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To me, the relationship is over. I don't miss him. I don't think of the few drama free times. In fact, I am so upset with myself for being blind to his antics and not seeking help sooner. This relationship has cost me time, health, money, and much more. I try to stay positive and tell myself that I needed to go through something like this to address my issues and go through therapy. But it feels like my hatred for him outweighs my love for myself--and I cannot find a way to feel better. I have insomnia and now take medication for that in addition to the anxiety pills. I sleep very little and when I do I often wake up feeling incredibly angry. How do I overcome this? I feel like the stress will end up killing me.

Hi, Getover it. I'm so sorry you're struggling so much right now. It's horrible to deal with insomnia, I know. Being sleep deprived makes you feel less able to deal with everything else, I'm sure.
What are you doing to take care of yourself during this time? You mentioned medication for anxiety and insomnia. Are you in therapy now? If so, how is it going? Are you able to exercise and/or do fun things just for you?
As far as the anger and hatred you feel toward your ex, I'm sure that's so hard to deal with. Have you tried journaling about it? There's a thread on here for writing a letter to your ex. Have you tried venting out your anger and feelings to him through there? If you haven't, that might be cathartic for you.
Several people on here have mentioned that they find meditation helpful. That might be a thought. I have tried short guided meditations through iHeart on my phone before bed a few times, and they are relaxing, at least, and they get your mind off the other stuff for a bit.

Hi. Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have tried journaling and doing other things that I enjoy. I am also in therapy. I have tried meditating but find it very difficult and haven't had much success. Thinking of the future and feeling whole and healthy again motivates me. I'm so sick of feeling depressed and angry. I wish I had never met him.

Getoverit, I know it doesnt feel like it, but how you are feeling now is excellent and from my own experience, essential phase towards recovery. It will pass in time.

What id say at this moment to help make it easier, concentrate on your future, dont beat yourself up for not having a crystal ball when you met him, its over now, its history - you couldnt have been expected to know any better. It is a complex disorder. You are entitled to be angry but in the long term, it is a pointless emotion that id advise you harness that energy into your advantage. I channeled it to my work, to exercise, with really good results. The worst thing is to allow the hurt already received to do more damage than it has. It is not nice to be left feeling a 'victim' but there is the opportunity to make a concious effort to not become consumed by such emotions. If meditation doesnt work, try something that does, we are all different.

How is your fitness or sporting activities like, its a great way to channel that energy out, helps with the sleep too.

Thank you Cromwell. Yes, it is excellent that I've made it this far. One year ago I was on the brink of committing myself because of all the negative emotions that I harbored day and night. I was convinced back then it was coming to and end but I somehow found myself back at square one repeating the same thought patterns and cycles of abuse. I felt like I was slowly becoming just like him and that was enough for me to want to end my life. I started medication and felt less--he hated this of course and kept accusing me of all sorts of things including "feeling good in his absence". What a crime! He summarized his feelings with the statement (verbatim): I rather you be miserable with me than happy without me. I was speechless.

I am getting back to exercising in order to wear myself out. I spend more time with good friends and that has made all the difference. I want to get to a point where I don't think about him on a daily basis.

I agree that the anger is no good. It hurts me and only me tremendously. And perhaps that is the point--I am punishing myself for feeling like this relationship was my fault. I don't mean his actions. I'm most upset at myself for not getting the point sooner and having wasted my life on someone who I knew for a long time had major problems.

Hi Getoverit

What you describe sounds like the emotion of resentment, a more complex emotion and therefore more energy consuming.

I felt the same and can say ive read so many similar posts along the same theme "I feel used" or "I feel I wasted time of my life" however, they serve a good purpose, it is the equivalent of getting to the point of slamming a fist on the table and saying "enough". It is the sign of a turning point. Whats important is not to get consumed by it and let it become protracted though.

Misery likes company, you said it yourself he told you that he wanted you to be unhappy with him. You defied that, so you just have to defy the legacy. We cant go back in time, whats done is done, but forgive yourself for mistakes, dont beat yourself up and conciously make an effort to be master of your own emotions, ultimately we are in charge and can choose to be happy or choose to ruminate. It might not have felt like it at some points, but it is actually our own brain to do what we want it to do.

My ex was jealous of the times I was happy when she wasnt there. The truth is, I was happy that she was in my life, and looked forward to seeing her soon again, the anticipation. She couldnt understand any of that, but was jealous, so she would make an arrangement to meet, and then cancel it. Well she cant do that anymore, I enjoy my days without her and we wont be "together for ever" (her prophecy).

 just trying to empasise that we can be in charge of our emotional state rather than let it take charge of us.

The more that I used to blame my ex for what happened, the more power I was attributing to her as being in control of my emotions. ie, "shes made me hurt, shes made me angry = anger. "I cant do anything about it" = depression. Changing those thoughts to "today im going to do what I want, choose to be happy, not have anyone make me feel miserable or push me around". Its about taking some power back. whenever I would start to feel bad about my ex, I straight away do something different, or productive. Its about breaking that association. The way I saw it, even if I am working more hours than usual, or studying or even just rearranging my sock drawer, it yielded better, tangible results and furthered my life more than dwelling on her.

Dont be a victim, be angry, but be a warrior of sorts, fight your way out and refuse to spend another moment like that, a better future awaits. I think that is highly likely far more than can be said for your ex, my anger got translated into sympathy in time maybe yours might too, just realise this is just a phase but an important and useful one. It would be worrying if you werent angry to some extent of how you have been treated, look at it that way.

dont beat yourself up :)

Thanks again Cromwell. I appreciate your insight and empathy. The last time we spoke he told me that he has been keeping log of my abusive ways and that he would be ending his life because of me. A few minutes later he told me that he may meet a nice person with whom he can spend his life. A few minutes before the last two aspirations he said how he would always love me and eve he with anyone else. He has confused me with these sorts of ruminations for years, but i finally can make sense of them by accepting that I cannot rely on him no matter what for anything. I don't care anymore to understand what he means or could have meant. He doesn't even know what he means as the meaning changes depending upon his mood and what he's using the reference for. So, that's that. I've had enough and just want to move on without having to look over my shoulder. Unfortunately, I believe he is on a mission to bother me for the rest of his life.

If he has someone else to keep him busy, it is a great opportunity to fade away with NC and not open yourself up for triangulation but to fade away. Sure he might - at a weak moment when he needs you - "call upon you" it could be weeks, months even years. Be strong and dont reply like I did and he will give up. Live your life as normal as possible, once the practical detachment is done it really is just about regaining a strong mind, not easy when going through an emotional mixer like this, but to answer the thread title and point out the blatantly obvious, the good news there is nothing wrong with you. :)

At least you have the inherent skills to bounce back and get your life on a new course. You have a bit of experience too - in time you might even eek out a few advantages to being in the r/s, I know I eventually did. Can you say the same for your ex? Where do you see yourself in 10 years time, where do you see him?

Every day sullied by negative thoughts and feeling sorry for oneself, is added to the total damage count adding to resentment. Yet this post-relationship is where we consign what happened to history. Detaching is as much psychic as it is physical cut off. Many people ruminate so much about their ex and what happened to an extent they cave in when they get a message and think "may as well talk to him/her, makes little difference, I couldnt get them out my mind anyway". Thats why its important to cut off all sources of being contacted, many people start to feel better after a few weeks and just as they are improving, the messages and calls come out of nowhere and they go into a tailspin. I see it the equivalent of a patient trying to recover in hospital and their treatment gets interrupted as they are resting/recovering - security would throw that person out the hospital and to use this analogy, i feel the same has to be done in these recycle attempt situations. Hopefully he wont pester you but be prepared and it wont come as a shock, then youll deal with it confidently.

Hi Cromwell,

It sounds like you have been through a lot and continue to live with the trauma of the relationship. Thank you for sharing your experience and the things you have learned NOT to do in addition to what needs to be done in order to heal. Along the way, I made excuses for his behavior as well as mine. I no longer want to live that way in any way. I meant it when I thanked him for being part of my life and that I was able to learn from our relationship. He got enraged and said these lessons were at his expense and that I owed it to him to "clean up my mess" and "make things right". I am still baffled by his inability to understand how it makes no sense to demand that someone continue in a relationship where he has not a single nice thing to say about me. I've asked him if he likes anything about me and he answers by asking me if there is anything I like about him. Honestly, now there is nothing. He then says I've lied to him about finding him lovable and that I'm a xxxxx and xxxxxxx and xxxxxxxx. At one point of course during the love bombing phase when he presented himself as a normal human being I perceived him as having positive traits, but that was all an act and didn't last long. I noticed early on that he was only kind when there was nothing serious to discuss. He wanted to know so much about my life constantly asking questions yet when it came down to hearing the reality of things (for example my troubled relationships with family members) he would say absolutely nothing and the next time I heard about it was when he used the things I had told him as ammunition to attack me. Never once had he said anything reassuring or supportive instead I had to deal with years of "you and your loser family", "you gave your mother cancer", "no wonder your family hates you", and more. I understood immediately that I could never trust him and time and time again he reinforced this with other horrible comments. Later, when he was calm and I told him how nonsensical it is to accuse me of giving my mother cancer he became angry again and said "I'm sure it didn't help that you're such a bitch." Seconds later he would be telling me how I could fix the relationship by just being with him.

Eerily, this probably sounds all too familiar to you, Cromwell and other readers. My biggest challenge at this point is overcoming my own anger towards myself and learning to accept that it is not fruitful to revisit the past. I was in a relationship with someone who used my past to hurt me and all it did was depress me. I mistakenly believed this was my own doing, but I now understand how this was a deliberate tactic on his part to isolate me (and it worked for some time as I stopped seeing my friends and engaging in hobbies in order to pacify him and his jealous fits). I'm no longer feeling so alone now despite the fact that most days I'm by myself.

Thank you all for reading my thoughts. Thank you Cromwell for your prompt, supportive replies.

Hi Getoverit,

Feel free any time to talk about anything that is gnawing away, it helps and its okay.

when you realise the type of person who does that is deeply insecure in themselves and are projecting, ill share with you a little tip that works for me. I look back at the times where she was verbally abusive and instead of her I imagine it coming out of a 5 year old child.

How old is this guy to be resorting to that level of immaturity and derogatory put downs?

You dont need to get angry, I wouldnt let my blood pressure go up, it isnt worth it. Just avoid like the plague, you seem like you have an unshakable attitude that your not going to entertain him again - that really is the hardest part over. He will carry the same behaviour where ever he goes, he has learned to put on a false exterior to charm initially, but cant hold on to the facade long term, its too stressful and too much energy, they all slip eventually, depending on what their motive is.

My advice is to avoid like the plague, in doing so you will heal faster. He is out your life, along with the negativity, once you find new direction and or a new relationship the anger and rumination will fade. He sounds like a fair weather friend just hanging on to use you for whatever he could get, thats how I read between the lines. You might be surprised just how far your mood will change for the better, I remember when all that negativity left me and I had my first "normal" day, except, I never had normalacy for so long it felt euphoric

I think Freud said something along the lines, before you look for a diagnosis of depression make sure first that there are no negative people in your life. The company we keep is critical to our moods.

Hi Cromwell,

Thank you.
I was told the same thing by several therapists--that he is like a five year old child. I work with children and I have yet to meet a child who is so unreasonable and mean. I get what you're saying though. I've reached a point where I don't want to understand him anymore. I care about my recovery and how I will live the rest of my life.
For several days I have been experiencing physical symptoms that sound much like those from drug withdrawal. I've never been addicted to drugs but have indirect experience with those who have been and I feel like I've been going through something similar. This feels like a critical moment and I am not going to do what I have been and put myself through pain over and over again. It's about time I learn my lesson and stay away completely.
I worry about him trying to contact me in the future. But, I've been telling myself I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I know for certain that I will never be involved with him again, ever.
The last time I saw him he said it was dangerous to be around me and that he couldn't be around me in fear of my lying to the police. It was a completely random comment and of course he says this to me while he's the one holding me and my belongings hostage. One of the realizations I had about him is that whenever he accuses me of something he has already done it himself or has the intention to in the near future. There are several things he would blurt out in an accusatory manner which later I found out was more of a confession.
I have reason to believe he is going to try to frame me or set me up in some way. This belief is helping me tremendously as now I am not only disgusted by him I am afraid to be around him. I wish he could feel the same way about me and leave me alone for good.

Drug use on his side, including 'just' cannabis brings out the paranoia part in certain personalities. I think you said he smokes. I can relate exactly to your difficulty with his indirect form of communication, that was what i spent 3 years with, "cryptic talk" and leaving clues, or talking around the subject, never ever to the point, or direct. Very cowardly. I think its the burning impulse that they have to release their repressed thoughts about us, it becomes like an itch that needs scratched. These are just my beliefs Getoverit, but they make sense to me. Enough about them, I hope that even if at least for one day you grant to yourself to try and do fun, happy and or chill out things and not talk or think about the past or him in the present. Just to see how it goes. Also dont worry (there is no point in it) but also dont get complacent. Do the best you can do to safeguard yourself and live each day as normal as you can, it sounds at the least you could do with some peace at the moment. Dont be too intimated by him either, I think he just uses his mouth to make himself sound more important and try to show off with it. Yes it can feel like a drug withdrawl, many people on here have said the exact same thing. its very common experience but it goes away.

i hope you feel a little bit more optimistic, talking to you has helped me also get some thoughts into perspective. Have a great day and dont worry you will get through this all the support is here whenever you need it.