BPDFamily.com

Hi family,

In the last mobth, went on three dates, with a swwet man, his wife passed away 2 years prior.
It felt good, fun, normal to be around him... .

Another date, same feelings.    Then he texted me, something from his past has to be dealt with, am going to be unavailable... .
The next man, again, nice, kind, the only flag i saw was he wanted to rush into a r/s.   After that date, i broke it off, didnt feel like i should be leading him on.

What these men gave me was confidence, attention, validation, fun for fun's sake.   I am not taking my self so seriously now.   Its great!

Yeah, and i put my boundaries in place, they were respected.   It felt very healing, very good.

Thank you family for being there for me.  j

What do you mean exactly,  can you expand upon that? To help the rest of us who may be struggling  :)

Overall I'm glad that you are stepping out. It sounds like you are on a path to healing. 

Not taking myself so seriously.   Each of the people i met, were dealing with incredible issues:
The first man i met, lost his best friend, his wife of twenty years.

The second man i met, was asked for a divorce by his wife of 23 years.   It was crushing to him.

My compassion for each man, was not lost on me.
Learning about them, meeting them, forced me to look at my situation in a different light.    Idk what happened, and meeting them, helped me, my recovery.    Here they are, with crushing things happening, willing to reach out.   Their hope, presence, willingness to keep going, one foot in front of the other, who they are, was not lost on me!

Meeting them changed me.   I am not fully aware yet of the impact.    All i can say, i am blessed and i love each one of you, my community.    Hang in there.     j

Hi, juju2!  There are a few of you here who've had good dating experiences recently.  Did you see this thread by Stjarna, Trying to navigate a new and promising relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326768.0)?  (Sharing it here because I thought you might relate to some of what she says about care taking.)

I can relate with that it's also a nice boost to the ego  :)

juju,

When you learned of these men's life struggles, what was your internal reaction to that?  Did you find yourself backing away in your mind?  Did you notice any urges to 'help them through this tough time'?  Or was it neutral?

Love and light x

Hi H
No urge to do anything.   Thats how come i think it is healing to meet people.  I wont see either one again, the first one dropped out, idk what hapoened, just said wont be available(?).  The second one, was too demanding, first date i noticed some things.   Also, he had a horrible r/s with his mom  (red flag).   red-flag

Am getting good at being detached, not insisting on an outcome.   I realized that its all up to my Higher Power, all and everything.  My job is to listen to the still, quiet voice, and do His will for my life.  In moments like right now, i can feel serene and peaceful.

Thank you for walking with me. j

Nicely done Juju2!

I'm not at all in the market, but it makes me smile when someone flirts with me in store. Nothing more than that. A short-term boost.

Well done on recognising the red flags and listening to the still quiet voice juju!  This is definitely a good experience to tuck under your belt.  I have been working on boundaries for a good while now and it's amazing the difference I feel in interactions where I might have previously had that pull to go the extra mile for someone who tugged on the heartstrings with their issues.  Now I no longer have that urge to fix things and I see it as a real turning point.  Good on you for exposing yourself to these situations and creating opportunities to do what is right for yourself.

Love and light x

Hi,

Harley, yesterday met anotherman for coffee, we had texted for a week or so, he is two yrs out of h.s. sweethearts marriage, 33 years.  He is a great guy, his wife shattered his world, left him for his friend, a man he befriended, under his luck, at work.  He brought him to his house, shared dinner, helped him w things, to get back on his feet, etc, and that man and his wife developed a thing, she left her marriage, dessimated him emotionally and monetarily.  Ex wife ran up their cc's to buy this guy stuff.  While she was still married, she bought a new truck for this guy!  Anyway, our coffee date was me listening, which is o.k., and i see he is in a different place than me, it looks like.   He is still in the very real impact of losing his only love.
He did day, last year he tried a long term r/s, and it didnt last... .
I enjoyed my time, listened, and shared a little about myself.   He seemed unreachable, really, he asked me almost nothing about myself and my life... .it was like he wasnt there.   Who was there was a hurting person, from the past of horrible experience.   There was no one there from now, today.    Its o.k.   i have compassion and he gave me compassion for who i have been for so long... .

Thank you family, j

I like the way you describe it as there being no one there from now, today.  Some of us could certainly fall into that category during our healing process.  I know I would have some months ago and currently I'd describe myself as here today and not looking for anything with another for tomorrow.  Out of interest juju, if you really hit it off with one of these men (where are you finding them?   ) do you feel ready to move forwards into a new r/s? 

Love and light x

Hi H,
I met them on dating websites.
After meeting these three men, am not sure am ready to have a r/s.   i could see what they each are dealing with, and i clearly see none of them are emotionally available.  I see myself in what each one is going thru.  Today i went to my dtr's house, and her husb said, like he says almost every time, i will help you take care of all that stuff at your house... .i dont mention it.

My dtr said to me today, mom you need therapy.

They were from a loving place.  I just do not know the way forward, feel like the best i can do is fall, and hope am falling forward... .!

The most i am able to do, is go yo my job, and do the best i can so i dont get fired.  Last nite i dreamt i didnt go to work and didnt call in, woke up thinking i would be fired... .am not doing very good.

thank you, j

If your daughter's husband is willing to help you with the belongings around your home, do you think he would act if you took him up on the offer?  What stops you?

I'm imagining your daughter has a clear full picture of what you're going through and any changes she has seen in you over the years.  Do you think she has a fair point in suggesting therapy?  How would you feel about following her advice?  It does come highly recommended around here.  A large proportion of us are benefiting from that support.

Love and light x

Hey juju, any update?

LOL, yes, I can relate!   

How are things going with you this week?  Work going OK?

Thank you Insom.

Yes am in a better place.

He actually asked via email if he could call.
He and i talked the day before yesterday and after 9 min, i got another call, i said have to go, maybe we can chat more another time,
He was the one who would always end the call, etc. He asked if he could call again in a couple of days.  He told me he misses talking to me.
Am creating a good space to be.

Sorry in advance if this was mentioned before, but you would like to continue a rs with your ex?

Hi Cry.

idk what the future holds.

Sure i would like a r/s, things would need to be different, we cant go back to the r/s we had.

Am not looking back, nor am i looking forward.
The skill i am learning is to focus on myself, focus on now.

Thank you for your support!

j