BPDFamily.com

Hi all

I have just had a lightbulb moment and wanted to share it.

I was talking with a friend and he said he had done several online autism tests and there was a high chance that he had aspergers. As we are very similar I did some tests as well and there is a good chance that I have high functioning autism otherwise known as aspergers. After a bit of reading things started to make sense. One of the things that stood out was a difficulty in reading social cues. Many times Ive been oblivious to women hitting on me and only later friends have told me that they were all over me. This got me thinking about my two uBPD exs. I think a key factor in getting together with them was that they were so overt when flirting with me that I noticed it.

I know that online tests aren't accurate and only getting diagnosed by a professional will be accurate but the poor motor function, lack of social cues, always feeling on the edge of groups, high IQ etc etc all points to it being highly likely. If this is the case then my getting with my exs, staying with them, believing their lies and obsessing after the split is probably down to it.

Hi, enlighten me!


I sounds like you're trying to better understand yourself and what happened.  How does it feel to have come up with asperger's (lightbulb moment!) as a possible explanation for what made these relationships appealing to you?

It makes a lot of sense to me. Ive thought for a while there was something up with me. Wasn't sure if I was just avoidant or co dependant and mild autism did cross my mind.

With over 1% of the population diagnosed and many more undiagnosed then its something worth considering. Considering my friend has also got a uBPD ex then its worth people considering if they are trying to understand why they got involved in a BPD relationship.

This is a great line of thought and a big part of why I'm here - trying to understand.


Do the different diagnoses mean different things to you?  How do you feel about avoidance or codependence vs. asperger's?

Avoidant and co dependant kind of fitted but didn't feel right. Aspergers though answers a lot of questions for me about my whole life. For instance my hand writing is terrible. At school I was eventually given a diagnosis of mild dyslexia. With Aspergers poor motor control means that hand writing can be poor. Also poor motor control would answer my inability to dance.

I hear you and can relate very much to how seeing your story reflected on a diagnostic list can feel like a big "aha!"


It sounds like knowing you were being flirted was an important part of getting into past relationships.  How do you feel about that now that you know more?

Hi Insom

Apart from a few questions being answered knowing I'm probably aspergers isn't going to affect me. The fact that I don't pick up on being flirted with isn't something that's going to change. So if I do pick up on being flirted with then I will be cautious but wont dismiss them because of it.

I made this post more to give others something to think about if theyre struggling to let go. The possibility that other members may have aspergers is very high as 1% of the 100000 members is 1000. Another thing is aspergers personalities as well suited to falling for a pwBPD.

Hi enlighten me,


Long time no see   How are you doing friend? It's not just aspergers I felt off for most of my adult life I couldn't put a finger on it and I kept to myself for a long time. I used to get panic attacks and a fear that I was going to pass out or die, there were periods where the anxiety was really bad not knowing what was wrong with me I would just hope that I felt normal the next day and most of the time I felt the same way. I didn't realize that what I was feeling was anxiety I think that a part of the gift of the borderline for some and not all people that are with a pwBPD don't have a mental illness, you can get help yourself.

I have major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders, panic disorders, ADHD and GAD traits and there could of been a possibility that I wouldn't have been told. I feel a lot better today because I can function better when these symptoms are under control anxiety is always there but with meds and daily exercise it's like turning the volume down. It doesn't take as much space in my life, instead of focusing on my internal battles and just getting through a day it helps with r/s because I'm centered on my own problems.

Hi Mutt

I'm doing good thanks. Yes I agree that there may be several things that members here may be suffering from.

Its hard for people to sift through everything in the DSM and work out if they have or haven't got something going on themselves.

Hi enlighten me,
I too had the Aspie revelation after I read "Aspergirls," a book that describes the different way Asperger's presents in women. It answered a ton of questions and I realized that Asperger's had given me some strengths that I didn't previously appreciate, such as the wonderful ability to get deeply focused upon something that intrigues me.

Yeah, some of my social skills in high school were way behind, but in following years, I've largely caught up for those deficits. And I'm becoming much more aware of body language and other social cues that I overlooked.

I think you're right that Aspies and pwBPD can get along well in that Aspies can easily overlook behaviors that would turn off other people. And when in the idealization phase, then we actually know that they like us! 

Cat

Hi Cat

Ive also done ok with my social skills since school. I have a lot of friends (although I always feel on the edge of the group). The ability to deeply focus is a double edged sword as its also why we can become obsessive over our exs.

I think our inability or stunted ability to read social cues means a BPD partner can get away with more. Also Aspies are supposed to lack imagination which means we are poor liars so therefore we tend to believe people more. This probably means we remained in a BPD relationship longer than others would.

Welcome back enlighten me, good to see you  :)

My son, now 8, was diagnosed with ASD1, what they used to call Asperger's, December of 2016. He exhibits the traits you list.  The upside is that he is two grade levels above in reading and the top at math. 

I like to think of him as neuro-typical, except when he isn't and it snaps me back into reality. I can trigger him as I did tonight.  I got mad at him when he tried to push his sister of the bed.  He cried and said I hurt him. Not because I grabbed his arm,  but due to my voice.  I hugged and held him to soothe him as I had scared him when he lashed out at his sister. Poor little guy. He went to sleep ok and we were ok. 

I worry about him ending up with a woman like his mother.  He's a kind kid, and a bit of a Rescuer.  I'm trying to teach him boundaries with his sister.  With his mom it's harder, and age wants to "toughen" him up.  He's big for his age,  looks 2 years older, yet sometimes gets pushed around. It's hard... .I don't want to kill his kind spirit, yet I also want to teach him boundaries. And yes,  he sometimes has trouble picking up on how other kids view him.

Hi enlighten me!

Great to hear that you are analysing your own behaviour and are trying to be the best person you can be.

I would say that like with BPD you should be careful with all those labels. You notice the traits that are somewhat off and than look for the label that might seem to fit.

But just like some BPD traits can be part of NPD or even autism, these Asperger traits can be the symptoms of something else entirely.

Think of depression, being highly intelligent etc. etc.

Just like with our pwBPD traits it is not so much the label that is interesting, but the behaviours themselves.

Hi Turkish

It seems that aspergers or aspergers traits are a lot more common than reported. Ive made it to my late forties without realising and have done pretty well (apart from my choice in women). Ive held down long term jobs in demanding careers, travelled a lot and done things that my friends only dream of. All in all aspergers hasn't really stopped me and if I had met the right woman I would probably still be non the wiser.

I was talking to a work mate yesterday who is going through a rough spot. His girlfriend has kicked him out for no reason and with no clue it was coming (sound familiar). As we talked more and more things came out. The arguments out of the blue where nothing makes sense, highly sexual woman, disregulates before and after holidays, isolation from friends and family. Need I go on? She also says she has a mental health issue but didn't disclose it to him. After discussing her we got onto him and he is almost a carbon copy of me. Funnily enough he felt that he might be on the autistic spectrum a while back.

My ex,  who views the world as antagonistic, makes more of a deal out of it than I would: our son often doesn't pick up on when kids are taking advantage of him.  He not street smart. I was different at that age and better related to adults.  He's also a people pleaser and a kind kid.  Being very mixed ethnicity,  he's good looking and I'm dreading puberty and the girls in our 'hood. Like he might fall for anyone.  He's also shown Rescuer traits. A possible magnet for a girl with BPD traits? Maybe.