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Now that I am giving up the fantasy of any kind of life or r/s with my married exuBPD lover, my fertile mind has turned to a different kind of fantasy altogether - revenge.

I fantasise about getting back into my ex's good books (we are way past that point) and making all of the loving and committed noises that I always used to make and then abruptly leaving and giving no explanation whatsoever and never contacting her again.

Then I thought - that is not a million miles away from what has happened right now anyway. We both rejected each other this time around and on the face of it, she doesn't much care.

I stress that I would never do that. The woman has suffered enough with her own disordered mind but it is tempting to use the knowledge I have gained here to redress the balance in my karmic fantasy world. Ultimately, it's like visiting bad on somebody who has a physical illness. They cannot help that their body is breaking down on them. Just as a disordered person can't help what their mind is doing - not without years of therapy anyway. Why would I want to hurt somebody who can't help their own behaviour?

Does anybody else fantasise about getting even? In terms of self-care I have upped my level of piano playing as it is something that makes me happy. I don't want to dwell too much on feeling broken-hearted because I don't want this woman to have that kind of power over me anymore. I am hurting but I feel sure that joy is just around the corner.

RF

Anger is part of the grieving process be it fantasizing about revenge or other methods.Obviously revenge would do nobody any good given there is zero benefits and only more pain and suffering.I as well went through the anger stage and honestly it was probably my longest stage.Nobody likes to feel remorse or sadness so often more than not we tend to pivot to anger and victim mode to compensate .

With that said it is a good idea to do things you enjoy like piano playing or other hobbies ,it keeps the mind busy from self destructive thoughts .If I may ask what lessons can you say you took away from this whole experience about yourself? With every negative there is a positive ,even in these extreme cases.

Hey RF,

I'd like to echo Shawnlam's really insightful comments here.

It is important to recognize these are just thoughts, dark clouds passing in the sky of your mind, and that in reality there is literally nothing to be gained from harming another person - not even a hair.

You may have a lot of these dark clouds, but one day it will fade to gray... .and one day to nothing... .if you put yourself on a path towards finding inner peace.

He asks a great question: what can you take away from this experience?

I know from your posts on Learning that you were very attached to your ideas about her, to a certain idealization of her... .What do you think of doing another kind of visualization about her? One that, as you say, takes the power out of the hold the fantasies have over you... .

I am not great at whipping up visualizations for someone off the top of my head on the fly, but I imagine creating one could help with some of your pain - if you could work with your thoughts in a way that gets you toward more peace.

Right now you are feeling anger and I don't want to rush you past that. But please don't let anger destroy you. It is no place to live. It's like catching and releasing a fish... .take a look at it but then let it go, over and over again. Just my two cents fella!

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thanks Shawnlam,


In truth, there hasn't been much positive. I have discovered on here that I have a similar pathology to my ex - notably I push people away when they hurt me rather than trying to resolve the issue. In my defence this issue was never resolvable. It was two people push/pulling each other for many years.

I suppose the main thing I really took away from it is that having a r/s with somebody who is unavailable is intensely painful. Having a r/s with somebody who is unavailable and disordered is off the charts painful. Having a r/s with somebody who is unavailable, disordered while being in a r/s myself is a recipe for disaster.

Had I had similar feelings for somebody who was available and I was available too and they weren't disordered, it would have been a good basis for a wonderful love relationship. Whether I am capable of existing in a r/s where I feel that level of passion and high octane emotion for somebody without messing it up is another question altogether.

I also think much about this point: The disordered mind is not without substance in its fears. Human beings are fallible and they do hurt you. The fears around abandonment that a pwBPD has are tangible and often rational. We all fear being dumped or treated badly or let down. What isn't rational is the lengths a pwBPD will go to protect themselves and thus they miss out on much of what a person has to give them. My biggest regret for my r/s is that she didn't know the real me, she saw a version of me that was on the receiving end of abuse and unrequited love. Thus fulfilling every fear she ever had about me. That is the sadness of the disorder.

I wouldn't hurt anybody. Thankfully I have too much empathy. Though I have doubted that at times on here. I don't have a burning desire to get even with my ex anymore. I understand too much about a disordered mind now. Not that I would ever have hurt her anyway. I may have said a few more angry things to her but ultimately I'd have rolled up in a ball somewhere and licked my wounds until the pain stopped.


I fear the grey more than anything. The emptiness of life without her.


The overriding thought I have in my mind is a mad passionate clinch with a woman most men would give their right arm to be with. I know that is not helpful but until I can get that particular image out of my head, I am going to suffer. I thought perhaps age would make a difference but it hasn't. I feel the same way about her now as I did 16 years ago. Worst of all is that I miss talking to her, despite my annoyance at never seeing her. She was as much a friend as an occasional lover. I know all of the times I cut her off FB this was probably what got to her too. I think she did it to me this time as it was the worst possible thing she could think to do. I think that means she wanted the r/s to end. So I have to let her go.


I feel the loss more than the anger. I was angry a couple of weeks ago but I'm at the stage now where I know it's final and she isn't coming back and I cannot bring myself to chase a ghost. It is over and with that comes the pain of longing and loss. Emptiness.

I used to be similar when things were not going my way ,I would push people out of my life or push the relationship to an end.It itself this is a problem , and I good self reflection.At first I believed it was normal and blamed my actions for doing so on my gf’s BPD .After therapy I realized BPD or not my actions were unhealthy and it was obvious I hated feeling vulnerable or out of control.This attitude I had just took an already fragile tuff relationship and amplified it to much worse.Today I realized my insecurities needed to be fixed for myself and any future friendship or relationship could happen.Im presently still working on these things , it’s helping me a great deal in my everyday life .Just food for thought!

I became a stronger person by eventually brushing off the evil (yes correct word) things my ex did.

I think it took a bit of maturity on my part to overcome it, realising that my life will go on for the better. My ex said and did things to try and put me down, make a mockery - all in response to the moments I was good to her.

I dont believe in cutting into my own flesh, and thats how I see revenge. there is a lot of things I could do to cause her trouble, shes in the past, taking revenge brings her into the present.

As for the future, if I want something to laugh about, it is vision of my ex in 5, or 10 years time, thats something I hope she can laugh about. Not got a crystal ball but notwithstanding she makes an abrupt u-turn from the way she has behaved or get psychiatric help and stick to it asap she reminds me of the saying "give a fool enough rope and eventually they will hang themselves with it" - she is just floundering her way through life, but she can do so without bringing me down in the process. I had enough backstabs of betrayal to rival anything a documentary on Roman political life seem utterly pale in comparison.

i had a few fantasies... .

wanted her to come back so i could reject her.

the pretty typical angry letters i wanted to send her.

most of my feelings of anger revolved around a sense of "justice". i realized the new guy had been in the wings. that there were probably others. that she had likely cheated multiple times.

what irked me is i just so badly wanted to tell her i knew this and other things and that she hadnt "gotten away" with it.

creative outlets are great. they help rebuild confidence. they have a way of purging. they have a way of revealing insights you didnt know you had, and they sink in when you do. generally speaking, they are harmless.

im a big believer in building something with ones pain.

"Living well is the best revenge."  I'm not sure who said that, but that's the path I decided to take. 

Believe me I have revenge fantasies all the time.
But they are against her ex husband.
The guy is a pr**.
He's told everyone he was dying of cancer when me and my ex got together , the **** is still alive and I am glad.
When he dies I hope it's me.
Nobody ruins my life and lives happily ever after, he is smug for what he did... .his time will come.
No doubt this will get deleted but we are all honest here.

I like this.

I think in some ways it is helpful to tell yourself you will get revenge at some point, but keep it open ended.

Chances are, youll find out down the line that they fall by their own swords, and you didnt need to make your hands dirty.

I see it already happening to my enemies, it makes sense and the keyword you use there is "smug".

Arrogance comes before a fall and the fact they think they have got away with behaviour before makes them destined to repeat again. Only eventually it goes wrong, sometimes very wrong when they do it to the wrong person.

ive seen it so many times, you dont need to get involved, the wheels of justice turn slowly but grind finely.

I agree that the best way to deal with injustice is a life well lived.

Regarding my ex, if she has got somebody else lined up then I wish him all the luck in the world because he is going to need it and nothing will change. She will stay in her marriage and play out the same drawn out game that she did with me for years. Only I won’t have to be in pain anymore or embroiled in a heartbreaking situation.

If I take the charitable view and give her credit for going back to being faithful to her husband after she decided that being embroiled in an affair was too painful and destabilising, then there are no losers really. I will get over the pain of losing her and I can hope that she has learnt from her pain and work done on herself and the work she does with the suicide prevention charity. On that basis I wish her well and think it is better that I am not in her life aggravating her.

Except, in my opinion, she has BPD and never showed any empathy or understanding towards me and I am fearful for her and her wellbeing that the former situation may be the case. If it is she will find very few people willing to accommodate her in the way that I did and she may learn a very painful lesson about respecting people who care for you and not discarding them the minute they challenge you on something. It will also be the case, as it was in the past, that she will have one or more unsatisfying and failed encounters with less committed suitors and then try to come back to the old reliable retainer. Except next time I won’t be so stupid... .and I’m afraid it will be her loss. I was prepared to try and evolve the r/s into something less damaging and compromising for us both. She will now have to do without me. If she isn’t thinking about me due to other distractions, so be it, if she comes back, I’m afraid she will experience the pain of loss.