BPDFamily.com

hello,
This is my first post on here, I have decided to reach out for help to others that have endured or are enduring what I am currently going through with my girlfriend for the past year and half. I find that when I try to explain my problems to my close friends or relatives they do not understand the depth of it or BPD itself, therefore here I am.

I have been in a serious relationship with my gf that has diagnosed BPD, she is fully aware of it and has been going to DBT and individual therapy for the past two months. She has a history of substance abuse, risky sexual behavior and self harm, she is fully aware of what she has done and how it is bad for her. She is clean now and went to rehab two years ago before I met her. As most of you may know its been a very bumpy road and extremely difficult for me to cope since this is the first time in my life that I have dealt with somebody with a diagnosed personality disorder. I have done a lot of reading and I understand the disorder and I am always supportive, I was the one that got her into therapy. Things have been going pretty bad recently in our relationship and my needs are completely ignored, I usually dont ask for much but she cant even provide the basic love and care any human needs. She always has her episodes and all but lately she has been devaluing me to the point that she did not do anything for my birthday, she barely talks to me and when we see each other its almost like I am bothering her. She does not say I love you to me anymore,no affection, no concern over me absolutely nothing, out of the blue. She claims that I have changed her life and put her into a better place which I think I have done, I have always supported her emotionally and in every way possible. In comparison to all of her previous relationships nobody has done for her what I have, Ive been patient and caring and rarely do I speak out when I am mad or when she does something very wrong I sit her down and validate her feelings and calmly express mine instead of lashing out like anybody would. I have followed everything to make this work, I have come to the conclusion that she is not capable of loving/being loyal and caring for me lately, things always go up after their down for awhile but I just cant take it anymore. She feels like she needs to be rewarded all the time even when she treats me like ___, it makes no sense at all. She even said that I dont love her because I dont condone her bad behavior and impulsivity, she said if I truly did ID be okay with it. I never get an apology, she never admits fault, she has drained me to the end. I feel extremely alone and scared and I cant even communicate that to her because shell say Im criticizing her.
Its almost like she doesnt care about her part of her relationship, she doesnt understand that she needs to participate as well. Everything is my fault all the time, she talks to her exes and stuff thats not ok and when I tell her she lashes out at me.
I love the girl I try to be understanding all the time, she is in thrapy and she wants to get better thats why I have not left. My question is will she ever get better? Will she be capable of loving ?

I dont know what to do , Im in a dark place and my heart is broken, yet she jolly and happy and doesnt give a ___.

Help

Welcome to the board robtop.

You described exactly so very accurately my BPD gf, from my long thread here "She attacked me with knives".

After the first year of relationship, which was good, things went downhill.

After how many months into your relationship you saw that she started to devalue you, insult you, make you feel bad?

Yes exactly the same she didn't care at all for my birthday (and the previous year I felt insulted pretty much when she bought me
0.40 $ bar of regular "Snickers" which I don't even like, for my birthday),
she was not supportive with anything, although I went to 15 doctors with them and cured everything that she needed to be cured.

I start to believe that BPD partners are not capable at all of empathy or any form of actually caring for their partner.

All they see is that the partner is to blame for everything in the world, and some dangerous unlimited hate towards him.

My fiancé of a year and a half has BPD. Its been a bumpy road, but it has gotten worse. We had a baby girl in April and ever since, things went wayyyy down hill. I first started noticing her behavior in October 2017. She was 1 month pregnant. She didn't love me like she used to. She didn't want to kiss, cuddle, have sex, or even hug! Its still that way, and its really getting to me. Im a very affectionate person, and when I get home from a long day at work, I expect at least a "how was work?" and a kiss, but normally I get bombarded with how terrible her day was and how bad her back hurts and how bad the baby was and how hungry she is. I am human, I need love and attention just like everyone else. I also need sex. Not that anyone cares () or like it matters, but we used to have sex everyday, now twice a month. Im always hurt, but she will say im hurting her. Some days I don't even want to leave work.

Yes, my BPDgf also cutted out the sex and intimacy sometimes during the 4th year of us being together.

Expect that she may focus all her efforts onto the baby.

The main problem is the lack of any sense in their BPD fury and BPD reactions, they are irrational
and have fears / revenges that do not make rational sense very often

Hi robtop
Sometimes when someone is diagnosed with BPD they embrace it.  They use it as an excuse to ramp up the behavior.
How long has your GF been diagnosed?  Did this happen after you convinced her to go to therapy?  Or did she tell you this at the beginning of the relationship?

I will say this.  2 months of therapy for BPD is a drop in the bucket.  My Therapist tells me that it takes years.  In addition to therapy, if the pwBPD is in a relationship, healthy relationship modeling on your part can speed up the process.

Have you considered individual therapy for yourself?  It might be worth looking into why you let this behavior be acceptable to you for so long.  Thoughts?

Hi raiano18

I have a 2 year old and my son was also born in April as well! 

I would ask you to consider this.  Taking care of a newborn is draining physically and mentally for even the most fit among us.  It is also a huge dynamics change for the relationship.  Have you tried to see what you can do to alleviate SOME of her issues.  Reasonable and realistic ones not originating from BPD traits?  I ask because in my case it took me about a month to convince my wife to get some real sleep and let me bottle feed and take care of our son and let my wife sleep through the night.

On top of her BPD issues, she was on the verge of sleep psychosis.  Her shame at potentially looking like a bad mother for not breast feeding all the time was hard to get at, but once I was able to get that out of her she got some rest and things got better.  Is there some way that you can help your SO?

Hey... .a side bonus might be more physical affection.

I help out as much as possible. She takes care of her from morning until 5pm and im with her from 5 until bedtime (normally 9-10). It also took her a long time to start pumping so I could feed her too. I think its more of a control thing though. I also do all the house chores... .cleaning, cooking, washing clothes, and much more . It does honestly hurt me that she doesn't give me physical attention, especially sex.

raiano18 i sent you a PM.  Let's not hijack this thread.

Sorry robtop
Back on course... .

Have you tried exploring how you might set boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) on what is acceptable to you and what isn't? 

Hey!

She basically doesnt follow or respect anything I say, I have taken a week off her to relax and gather my thoughts. I feel like myself again, it still bothers me that shes out doing who knows what during this time. But I finally realized there is no way around it, Im 21 just graduated university with a nice job secured, I dont need this in my life. She has abused me too much and Im finally coming to the conclusion of walking away, I will talk to her on friday and express all my concerns in the right manner and based on how she reacts, ill make my decision

Yes keep us updated, what is her reaction and how it goes