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My boyfriend was taken to the hospital last Thursday night because he said that he was going to kill himself and pulled out an old rifle, fortunately, my grown son was able to get it from him. He had been drinking & accusing me once again of having an affair. He threw me a big surprise birthday party the weekend before because I'm such a deserving & wonderful woman.
This is all so confusing to me. I've known for a long that he has mental health issues, but he's never been diagnosed. I can tell when something is going on with him because this otherwise lovely man becomes a mean, angry man.
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of months and I wanted to get him help, but since he doesn't have insurance, it's been very difficult, besides one minute he would say he wants help and the next he doesn't. Now he's actually acting like he wants help, but that might be because he doesn't have a choice in the matter. I told him that he couldn't come back to my house unless he got help. I know that they are going to start him on medications & monitor him while he's in the hospital.
I haven't seen him since all this all happened & for many reasons, work, keeping my granddaughter & I'm just not emotionally ready. We talk every day and he's very nice until starts accusing me again. I don't know if you'll ever stop that because he's acted like this with his past wives & girlfriends. I was just wondering if someone does get therapy, will that help him?

Thanks & this is my first post, therefore I'm kind of nervous.

Welcome!   I understand your feeling nervous. This is a great place with a lot of fantastic people with some very helpful advice.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I imagine it must be rough for you. Are you taking care of yourself during this time?

As for whether or not therapy will help him, I believe that depends. As with anyone going through therapy, I believe you get out of it what you put into it. So if he puts in the work and really does want help, then I believe he will do well.

*hugs*

Hello Monkeyhead and welcome to BPD family,

I am really feeling for you right now as well as your son.  What an incredibly traumatic experience for both of you.

Your bf sounds very similar to my H.  Although I knew that my H's mental health was always questionable, he too was a very nice, beautiful man and then on occasion his anger would take over and he changed into a mean person.  This was always accelerated with alcohol and my H would also accuse me of absurd things such as having an affair etc.

In 2010, he hit rock bottom.  After drinking heavily, he too picked up a weapon, (in his case a knife) and told me he was going to kill himself.  If it wasn't for me struggling with him and the knife, the doctors concluded he would have died.

During his subsequent hospitalisation, my H too admitted he wanted help. 

His treatment towards yourself is a BPD trait called 'splitting' or 'Black and White Thinking'.  I too found out that he had behaved this way to his ex's - H's T's noted it was a defense mechanism because he feared abandonment as a direct result of childhood events. 

Whenever H was splitting against me, it hurt me deeply and I would always deny it - telling him he was wrong.  This would escalate his BPD behaviour because he was being told he was wrong. 

What became really confusing to me was that once his BPD rage was over and he'd rest a while, he'd turn back into that really nice person and would admit to me that he didn't know why he said what he said and that he didn't mean it.  Then he would feel bad about it and it would usually lead to more drinking and another BPD rage including more splitting from him, more denial from me, leading to more Self Harm.  We were trapped in a never ending circle. 

I learnt to validate his emotions and not to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (plenty of info here on this bpdfamily website about justifying emotions and JADE).  When he got upset and accused me of things I didn't do, I learnt to validate NOT what he was saying but instead his emotions -   What he was saying may not have been real but his feelings were very real. 

Scenario 1 – The way it used to be.
H says: “I know your having an affair.  I hate you.  I'm leaving you”
I used to say: “What!  Where did that come from?  That's not true – I'm not.  I love you.  I wouldn't do that”
H would return with “I don't believe you,  I know your having an affair”
I'd continue to JADE - leading to more toing and froing and even more accusations against me.

Scenario 2 – Justifying and not JADEing
H says “I know your having an affair.  I hate you.  I'm leaving you”
I said: “I can see your upset, what can I do to help you.  Can I get you a cup of tea/valium” whilst  I promised to sit down with him and listen to him once he had calmed down.
H says: “Yes please.  I need a valium” and then he'd usually tell me he was upset over something that had happened that was unrelated to me and I'd respond with “That must have made you feel horrible... .”
H agrees:  “Yes it did”.
We were then no longer at logger heads with each other and instead H felt my compassion and not frustration.

Of course I had to learn not to get so upset with what he was saying, but knowing he was suffering from a disorder whereby Splitting was a trait/symptom, it helped me not get angry with him and instead sympathise with him.  In doing this alone, it meant that my facial expressions and my speech no longer portrayed disgust in him but instead  showed warmth and love.

Ofcourse these were not skills I mastered overnight and there were as many setbacks as there were breakthroughs along the way.

After many years of T and much hard work from us both, my H did officially (clinically) recover from BPD but the critical factor was that he acknowledged he had a problem and embraced T.  I agree with I_am_the_fire. 


Seeing as your case is eerily similar to mine, whereby a near death situation landed him in hospital and alcohol was an influence, the first thing the T's highly recommended was that H refrained from drinking alcohol before  he went to intensive T.  They explained that T was not going to be easy and he needed a clear mind to tackle it.  My H did 3 months in a 'live in' rehab.  I am not sure if that's possible for your bf as he doesn't have insurance but AA was also helped for my H at the time.

Monkeyhead, wow that's a tough story and I can imagine you're hurt, frustrated and confused.

My BPDh attempted suicide when addicted to crack cocaine 1 year into our marriage 9 years ago. I called the police, he was tased (long story), and then he was put into a 96 hour hold on suicide watch at a local hospital. He was super angry with me and initially blamed me for the hospital stay.

From the hospital, he directly entered a mental health/drug inpatient program for a week. Insurance didn't pay. We couldn't afford the cost once we got the bill, but they have put us on a payment plan we can afford. He stopped using hard drugs at that time. That was the first step. A couple years later he entered and competed 2 year-long DBT programs. The program was through the local university and the charges were on a sliding scale based on our finances. He is by no means cured but our life is a lot better. I still get raged at and split but less frequently.

Now, I'm taking steps to try to create boundaries and have my needs met.

I say all this to tell you that progress can be made, but it won't be easy and the relationship will still have its challenges. I'm lucky my husband accepts his diagnosis and sought therapy. I've only been on this board for a short time but it's been really helpful to start taking hold of my life. Keep seeking support here!