BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone.

I'm here writing to you because of the emotional rollercoaster that has become my life. I met this amazing man a little over a year ago and he turned my world upside down. He was/still is amazing to me and my son. I quickly began to realize something was off with him. Jealousy, anger, sadness, etc are all things that I have seen take over him. Just lately he has been diagnosed with BPD and his first appointment is next month. I feel like it  cant come fast enough and even then I know itll take lots of work and time for him to get better.

I am mostly the cause of all of his triggers and I dont even mean to be. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells and as I'm writing this I'm at the point of mental exhaustion. He has himself convinced that I do not love him, or that I am crazy about him. I am! I'm in love with him and always have been. Hes an amazing guy with such a huge heart, and hes so giving and kind. Hes the hardest worker I know, and he makes me laugh. Of course this is when hes doing okay.

We had been doing so good these past couple of months. I had learned how or when to walk away, especially when he verbally lashed out at me. He had learned how to nip his anger in the butt, and calm down much faster.

Until this past week. This weeks and current episode is intense. It's been since Saturday now. He says I dont have enough sex with him. And now he thinks I'm talking to other guys or want to be with other guys, which I dont. I try to convince him of this, but nothing works.

I recently tried doing the CLEAR technique with helping validate his feelings. I thought I had it down but he always throws me a curve ball and I end up not even knowing what the heck is going on or how I even got there. I end up feeling like I just got mind screwed and sometimes it's so infuriating because I feel like hes being so irrational but when I try to rationalize with him, it gets me no where.

I realize these episodes and him verbally abusing me and making me feel like I am always doing something wrong or making him feel unloved is part of his BPD. It makes me so sad to see him living in this turmoil. I want to help him. I want to show him I'll never leave but at the same time I dont want to sink with the ship that he is on.

So I found this website and I hope that I can make friends here that will help guide me through this and educate me on things I do not know yet. I plan to be with this man. I see the great side to him. I see the child within who only needs love. I just hope that one day he can reach the light and I hope that I can be by his side when he does.

Hey Stargaze88! 

Welcome to the boards! I am sorry that you find yourself in one of these intense situations.
Must be especially disappointing after the good progress you two have been having.

 


It's a good thing that you came here. As you engage with other members and learn more about people's stories and tools on this site, you'll find indeed good support.



First thing coming to mind, you sound exhausted. How has your sleep been?  It's certainly harder to find solutions to problems when we are worn out. It's easy for our emotions to go all over the place as well when we are tired. Can you two take a break when things are heating up? Do you have a plan for self-care?


Something else I wondered, do you know of any events you might think may have influenced the recent episode?  People wBPD have a knack to process their emotions through some type of projection they attribute to their loved ones. External events might be the trigger, and they will find something wrong with us instead of telling us what exactly bothers them. Does that sound a bit like what you are experiencing?

with compassion,

Brave