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My dad and I have never been very close, but I always knew that I could call him if I needed help. I knew that he’d help me, but then give me a hard time if my need fir help was the consequence of a bad decision. I moved out of the house at 21, I’m 40 now. I haven’t asked him for anything since moving out, but we’d text or call every 6ish weeks  to check up on eachother. we rarely saw eachother despite living 15 min away. But around 5 years ago... .
He started ignoring my texts for a few days and then he’d reply half ass. This happened several times. One day I decided to mark on my calendar the date of which was our last text, and then I stopped initiating contact with him in order to see how long before he’d reach out to me. It took 18 months for him to text me with a “Hope you are good. I know it’s been a while since I’ve called or text you, I need to get better at that.”  I responded nicely and he replied as if he was too busy. Over the next couple years, he continued to rarely reach out. I was never invited to his annusl 4th of July party or the family reunion or other events.

To make a long story short, I found out that around the time he began ignoring me was when befriended a guy, Jim,  that I went to HS with and he now considers him his best friend. They have a lot in common. This guy is something else... I was date raped at his house by his then best friend when I was a drunk 17 yo. I think he told my dad about it after all these years and my dad became uncomfortable with me, or, he became uncomfortable with me being around in case Jim was over. For example, he knew Jim would be at the 4th of July party so I wasn’t invited. I heard Jim also showed up at the family reunion, he is very close to 2 of my male cousins which is how my dad met him.

Dad and I no longer speak. We tried to reconcile in March  after 4 years of nothing, but it’s too late. He had pics of himself with Jim and Jim’s kids all over the house, but none of me, my sister or his only grandson . Also, my sister recently dropped her dog off at a doggycare and the girl at the desk saw her last name and asked if she was related to my dad. My sister told her that she was his daughter... .and the girl (our age) goes “Wait... .Steve has kids? Since when? I’ve know him for 5 years and never knew he had kids!”   My sister got to her car and cried. Thanks Dad. So yeah, he now has me blocked because I called him out on his hurt I am. My stepmom is telling ppl I have anger issues. Not true. And the worst stab to my heart is that I’ve learned my dad has completely cut me and sis from his Will. And that Jim is in it.

I keep telling myself that he will someday have regrets. Maybe he’ll be on his deathbed and Jim will be there with him, but my dad will feel a sense of emptiness because his daughters are not? Do you think he’ll have regrets for choosing Jim over us?  :)o you think he ever thinks about us? He wasn’t the best father, but I know he cared. Does that disappear easily? I’ve stalked Jim’s FB and my dad seems to be having a blast with Jim and his family. Jim’s kids are the same age as my nephew, my dads only grandson, whom he has cut off as well.

I remember you telling that story JL (and I thought it took a lot of courage to tell even here among us anonymously). The pain keeps coming, for you and also your sister.  I guess your dad is getting his needs met,  which would be ok of not at the expense of his children.  Shame on your dad.

I don't know if he'll have regrets and I can't help but think that this is like feeling a romantic partner cheating: betrayal? Do you feel like that?

My mom "adopted" adult "kids" After I left, even though I was still in contact and saw her once a month at least.  The last was a family where she bonded with the 28 yo daughter, her 50 yo "husband" and her four kids.  She was calling the girl her daughter,  the kids were calling her grandma and my mom told me that they were investigating if my mom cold adopt her as an adult.  I felt like saying "hello,  I'm in the room!" They might have been salivating after my mom's property.

Though that wasn't as emotionally painful as your situation, I couldn't help but feel,  "what about me?" And of course I had to rescue my mom from that family later when it all went to crap.

Like my mom,  I think your dad is focused upon meeting his needs.  To paraphrase my T, "he's limited." Maybe that's little comfort... .

As the dad of my precious D6, I'd beat the crap out of any guy who did that to my daughter,  or at the least refer it to the authorities  (which I did to my ex-BIL... .).

Hi Jennylove,

You've shared such a sad story, and my heart hurts right alongside of yours. I'm so sorry.   It would be one thing if he had befriended Jim yet still included you in his life. It's quite another when his lack of attachment to you and your sister goes the opposite direction with almost a codependent type of attraction to Jim. It illustrates his attachment style is there albeit unhealthy. I wonder if that isn't why he has chosen him over you and your sibling, unhealthy over healthy, because you guys ask for a more normal and healthy interaction?

I have a somewhat similar situation in which DH has befriended a man who exhibts N traits similar to his own. It has puzzled me greatly until I read about NPD and how it attracts others who are also N.  DH has spent tons of our money in investments with a man he 'trusts' who also has a long rap sheet, and I am overlooked and criticized for wanting what is healthy and not dysfunctional. It is a unique pain, such betrayals as this.

Do not have FOG for what you couldn't control re Jim's best friend. What he did was wrong and no dad should ever not want to hang around his daughter because of that. A healthy dad should embrace you and be there to help heal the wounds, not embrace the enemy. You are absolutely right to know that his treatment of you is not as a dad's should be.

 
Wools

Jennylove 

I’m so sorry for the way your father behaved and still behaves. Mentally healthy parents DO NOT behave that way.

Please remember you didn’t cause his mental illness, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Those of us who were born to these mentally ill and abusive people do not deserve the pain we receive. It isn’t our fault.

How are you doing today? I hope you will do something extra kind for yourself. You deserve love and compassion, most of all you need your own.   

We understand the pain. I hope you will keep posting. Sharing here helps all of us and the anonymous others who are hurting too and searching for answers.

L2T