BPDFamily.com

Obvious answer would be - no! Help!

Hi all. I used to post on here - when I first went NC with my uBPD older sister. We've now been NC for 3 years - and it's honestly been the best three years of my life. She is a completely horrible person, and I intend to never re-establish contact with her until she has undergone serious therapy (query whether that will ever happen... .)

I currently have a dilemma. I live in London, and all my family are in Australia (I have two brothers as well). We were planning a family holiday in Thailand in February of next year - picking it as a 'halfway' point between London and Sydney. My brother had a child (a gorgeous boy) a few months ago, and I was so looking forward to spending time with my family, my sister-in-law's family and most importantly, my adorable new nephew. Whilst everyone has come around to the fact that I went NC with my sister, no one is willing to stand up to her (and deal with the rage and outrageous behaviour that follows). So, rather than telling her she wasn't invited on the family holiday, we scheduled it in February when her son would be back at school, so she wouldn't be able to make it. By February of next year, I won't have seen my family in nearly a year, and as well as spending quality time with my nephew - I can't explain how much I was looking forward to this holiday.

Until this morning. My sister decided that she would pull her son out of school so she can come on the vacation. I just can't believe it, and I can't believe how angry I am that she continues to ruin absolutely everything. The thought of spending a week in the same hotel as her is enough to completely paralyse me (I've been seeing a therapist for 2.5 years, and have come so far - but am still not ready to re-establish contact). My family have always just put up with her behaviour, and, as the 'all bad' one, I'm the scapegoat of her cruel words and rage. I'm single, so wouldn't have anyone to back me up / stand up to her with me / have someone to escape to a different place with. So now I'm left with two options - don't go on the holiday, and miss out on seeing my family for a very long time, or option two - go on the holiday, and have a miserable time. No one in my family is willing to tell her she can't come on the holiday.

I'm just sick of being the one who has to constantly miss out because of her continued unacceptable behaviour. I know that's life, and sometimes life sucks - but I'm just really feeling it today.

You are experiencing a typical dilemma when you have a family member with BPD that is unbearable to be around: Other family members will not set limits with her/him regarding bad behaviors and you are the one being left out of family gatherings, instead of the family member with BPD. Being a typical dilemma does not make it any less painful or frustrating. There are many people on this Board who are dealing with/have dealt with situations similar to yours and opt for different tactics at different times like: 1) Go to the family gathering and ignore the family member with BPD as much as possible while having a plan to deal with unforeseen contact with this person. 2) Not go to the family gathering at all. We are all in different stages of dealing with the pain and trauma of having a family member with BPD, and we each make the decisions that work best for us at that time. There are many people on this Board who will share their experiences with these types of situations for you. We are here to listen and support you. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

  Champagne,

Welcome back! I’m so glad you popped in for some support.  |iiii This is, unfortunately, all too familiar and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I can feel your excitement and now the dread... .  I know others will be chiming in with more ideas, but I had a thought.


What if you went and stayed in a different hotel? That way, you could spend time with family and enjoy the visit and also have a safe escape in the event drama is started.

What do you think?

  L2T

I don't think you have to miss out on a vacation with your family just because your sister is going.  It *is* hard when the rest of the family does not get it.  One of the things that helped me when I saw my brother and father still supporting my mother and in turn doing their best to get me to stop changing me and the way I interacted with her was to remember that at one time I too was in denial about how bad my mother was.  I too would have either ignored or made excuses and done my best to fix everything so everyone was happy.  I had to accept that they had a right to define their own relationship and had very different experiences with my mother than i did... at least in their own heads.

I don't say that to defend you family but perhaps to give perspective on why no one is willing to say no to her going on the trip. 

As zachira said, many of us have been in the same situation and have tried different options.  Learning2Thrive has offered a wonderful idea to make sure you get a break from any tension or drama.  Another option would be to have a friend join you.  Having a back up would be great and you could also take some side trips with the friend to get a break.

What do you think?

  again Champagne,

Harri’s suggestion to have a friend come with you is excellent.

I had another thought. If you are sure you absolutely do not want to see her at all, what would happen if you stayed in a different hotel and asked you brother for some special time there with your nephew (and brother & sister in law without the whole family)?

If you decide to try the big group events, brushing up on your communication tools can really help:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

I hope you’ll keep us posted. We really do care.

  L2T

Hi all,

Many thanks for your quick replies and suggestions. You're all very kind. I know it may seem dramatic to suggest I don't go at all - but family holidays are particularly triggering for me, as growing up they meant a concentrated period of time where I couldn't escape from my sister. But I need to remember that I'm not that child anymore and can't be forced to spend time with her.

Staying in a different hotel is a good idea. I guess I'm just sick (aren't we all!) of being the one to constantly make concessions, and was looking forward to the idea of a concentrated period of time with the family, rather than a few visits here and there. Knowing my sister, she will make it almost impossible for me to see my nephew and will just make everything extremely difficult (I'm not exaggerating, she will create whatever drama, be incredibly manipulative, make something up just to spite me). Perhaps it's worth it for some quality time.

I had also thought of the possibility of taking a friend. But asking a friend to spend time and money to hang around my dysfunctional family for a week (and deal with the fallout) isn't particularly appealing to me. I have wonderful friends who are incredibly supportive, but I think it might be a bit much.

Things to think about, and to chat through at my next therapy session (thankfully in 2 days). It's comforting to know there are others who have to deal with this too. xxx

The way I gather it is, The rest of your family would love to meet up with you as much as you want to meet up with them and spend some quality time together! The thought of you having a great time together with the rest of your family is too much for your sister (yes I know how they think) so she just won´t let that happen! She intends on being there to make sure your meeting won´t be a successful one and probably to start some drama which she will blame you for... .How about not only staying at a different hotel with a good friend, but not letting her know you will be there? Of course the rest of your family will have to keep quiet about this but with a bit of luck she might cancel her plans if she thinks you won´t be there!
Good luck! I know this would not be an ideal situation, but at least you could meet up with the rest of the family without having to worry about her... .

Hi.  I am wondering how it went in therapy?  Were you able to talk with your counselor about options regarding the trip?