BPDFamily.com

Until recently, I didn’t know about BPD.  I only knew my wife’s (worsening in many respects) behavior and symptoms.  After some research, it was like “wow this is what she has.”  I was relieved actually to see that there was at least a classification for her behavior, albeit a serious personality disorder. 

I am fortunate that her family understands what I am going through and is supportive even though they do not witness her rages.  They know of her past (suicide attempt in high school, bipolar behavior, depression).  We are 21 years married w 4 great kids.  My wife’s seemingly worsening behavior has me very concerned for her safety.  She is acting out more and more — she yells at me in public, often almost chases me as I try to leave the home to get to the car to go to work, calls my cell phone 20+ times a day, texts me how much she hates me and then constantly asks me to come home. 

Seemingly everything I say or do is twisted around as me not caring about her or loving her.  And frankly, given all the abuse she dumps on me, I’m finding it hard to stay connected to her. 

I try not to take her abuse literally or personally but my work is suffering and I’ve found myself mixing a few too many cocktails to deaden the pain.

There are many other things — the criticism of my parents / siblings who she truly likes and loves, the inability to cope w daily family responsibilities, the lack of friends, the pressure on me to drop my friends, etc. 

She seems better when I’m not around and I know I’m better when I’m not around her.  Divorce is not something I’m seeking at all, I just wish there was a way she could cope with her pain in a healthy way.  Right now she says that I am 100% responsible for everything bad in her life because I’m so cruel to her.  It seems that she is far from seeing any fault or illness in herself that would allow her to seek therapy.

Warm welcomes  Kristoff ,
   So glad you found us & so sorry you're here!
    I think we're married to the same woman, WOW. I just got yelled at today as we were walking the dogs in the neighborhood- For never helping her around the house ( like walking the dogs) Soo many identical things . We all get it here. I think most of us have & continue to live it daily.                                                                                                      [quote 

I try not to take her abuse literally or personally but my work is suffering and I’ve found myself mixing a few too many cocktails to deaden the pain.                                                                                       
   This is exactly where I was when I got to this board 2yrs ago.  I'm sleeping the whole night waking rested now. Thanks to a lot of what I read, learned ,studied right here & in books recommended on these pages.
   Learning the way for YOU to react to her & her behavior  can make a huge change in home life & your relationship.
  You have a 12 yr jump on me as I've been married to my uBPDw for 34yrs & I'm just starting to get used to using the tools & techniques taught here. THEY WORK! but it's WORK none the less!

     Welcome to the family, NGY





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Thanks NGY!

I appreciate the reply and it’s good to know that’s there’s hope for things to improve.  I feel a little better already and I’m looking forward to the support and to learn more. 

Thanks for the welcome!

     Welcome to bpdfamily Kristoff!

You are at the right place. Many people on these boards have experienced the things you are describing with your wife. If you engage reading and commenting on other people's threads, you'll find this is a great place to find support and a sense of community.

First I want to say that I am sorry that you are having such a rough patch with your wife... The behavior you describe is intense. You say her family is supportive, this is huge! could you talk with them about what is going on?

I know this doesn't change the fact that she doesn't see herself as having a need for therapy. I know for my part that I could not convince my spouse to seek therapy. She was very much against it. But I took the initiative and went to see someone for myself. It did help me a great deal. At least I could vent for all the hurtful things I was going through.

Another thing that helped me greatly is to learn to take good care of myself. Like getting enough sleep, healthy meals, some exercise, meditation. This was not intuitive at first. I used to get on alert a lot, and to take my spouse's critique personally.

I too, like Notgoneyet, did find out that practicing the tools, including establishing good self care routines, has helped diminish the fires of my spouse's rage fits.

I get it.    
It's good that you have an awareness of this. |iiii  Do you have support from others for that? I do drink wine, and I saw myself reaching out for the bottle more and more. I am very careful with my limit, though, and did decide to attend a support group for people in recovery from addictions. Before it got out of control. :)

There are various groups with different approaches. It's good to be among people who are sharing my value of sobriety, and who are sharing their daily struggles. 

 
They do that, yes.  You know that it's not about you.    It's the way pwBPD feel about themselves. There seem to be a lot of shame they cannot process well, so they will project that onto the closest loved one to escape the pain. It's painful to hear.

Best thing I'd say is for you to seek some support for yourself. Like when you put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help others. You eventually starting to make positive changes in your life, at home, etc, will in turn affect the relationship in a more stable and hopefully positive way.

Do you have an idea of what could have triggered her increase in difficult behaviors?

Hang in there Kristoff, and keep on posting.

This is very much a work in progress...

Brave

Hi Kristoff, 

I want to join the others in welcoming you. I think it is so awesome that you've reached out and that you've taken that step to share with us. It takes courage to do so.  |iiii

I've been married for almost 34 years now and while my DH (Dear Husband) is not BPD, he exhibits many similar behaviors to my uBPDmom. I married someone who looked familiar to me as it turns out. Learning to live with our spouses in their dysfuction can be tough, but it is worth the work to strengthen who we are as individuals. There are key tools and lessons we share here to help you in the day to day living it out.

What have you read so far about BPD? Here is an article that you may find helpful to start with:

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Wools