BPDFamily.com

I have been told by my therapist that I am a 'doer' and that my personality has keep me sane with my BPD husband all these years because I keep myself busy.  Which means when I try to sleep, I cannot.  I am struggling with anxiety and sadness looking back over our married life and the behaviors that have affected myself and our children. I am working on distancing myself emotionally and self soothing techniques.
My BPD husband is coming to grips with mental illness.  Which is giving him great anxiety and the need to talk.  I am trying to listen to him but I am wondering if hearing him talk is affecting me?  While I want to try and be present and empathetic to what he is going through, I also have a need to try and keep my head above water.
Some of what he is saying does not make sense.
He seems pretty interested in getting help for what we also think is our daughter with probably BPD.  Is this normal for him to be so interested in 'fixing' her?
Also, my husband is very kind to me right now, which makes me leery of what is coming.  It seems I vascillate between being the good wife and then the bad wife which keeps me on edge.
Any tips for any of these things appreciated.

Wow, it seems like you and youre family are going through a lot.   

Is your husband currently seeing a therapist? You're juggling a lot, and I know you want to be listening and understanding to your partner as well as take on your own battles. Maybe him seeing a therapist will take some of the pressures off you. Do you agree?


Be careful of trying to "fix" anyone because it usually causes more problems, and can possibly make your daughter or anyone feel invalidated. I think having her evaluated by a professional first is a good step, if its something you and your husband decide on. Then proceed from there.

Yes, he is starting therapy.  Hopefully, that gives him some direction and offloads me in the meantime.
I agree on not fixing anyone.  And also the needed validation our daughter needs.  My husband keeps telling me I need to let her know she has BPD?

Hey, lonely in co   

I would like to join Crywolf. Sorry that you are having such a hard time with your sleep... So hard when we are exhausted to just carry on with everything...
        

Sounds like you are on your way with practicing self-soothing techniques. This is great! I would definitely keep up with that. Something I discovered when I started to do things in the night to self-soothe, is that some days one thing would help, other days something else helped me better. Now I have a bunch of small ways I use to help calming my anxiety.
It works eventually. You'll get better. 



That's a question he might have a strong feeling for right now, especially if he is starting with therapy for himself. Have you discussed the possibility to find a T for your daughter as well?

In the meantime, I would want to see that you are looking into your own self-care with a renewed interest. Obviously when we don't sleep well enough, it's difficult to be a good listener to our partners and to validate skillfully. I had to learn to say it when I don't sleep well, so my spouse kinda accepts to leave alone a little. I also actively tried to establish between us that no important talks can be held when either one of us is tired, hungry, thirsty (we live in a hot climate), in physical pain, or too angry to talk calmly. Just bringing this over and over and over for a while did us good.

You being the healthier one of you two, any thoughts on what would be some new routine ways you could introduce to help bring healthi(er) emotional atmosphere in your home? Looks like you will have to be the leader with this.

Brave

   Sorry you are having so much going on at one time. It's not easy we know. Lots of answers on these threads. 
   When my uBPDw  is disregulated &  sometimes even when not, she will try to fix anyone & everyone around her. Find fault everywhere almost like the main idea is just to take the focus of off how bad she's feeling. If she able to help out some problem someone else is having (fix it or them) she seems to be happier at least for a while. 
    I would find a T that specializes or is at least very familiar w BPD meet your daughter & see where it goes from there.

    Hope & Prayers , NGY

Hi lonely in co,

It's so nice to see so many others here (Notgoneyet, braveSun, and CryWolf) offering support to you and each other! That's just super!

I wanted to jump in too and ask what kinds of self-soothing techniques are you using?

In terms of listening to your SO I hear ya. A few weeks ago he seemed to be doing some self-soothing by getting pretty wrapped up in studying about scientific theories and then he'd want to tell me about them. I see this as his way of doing what you say actually. He wasn't talking about himself, but was doing this as a way to connect with me. Unfortunately, because he speaks in a disjointed, non linear way, I find it very challenging to listen to him sometimes! He takes up a lot of time and energy at times and I need down time from him and can't always get it.

I wonder if you gave him some short periods where you really focused on him you could give him what he wants, some attention, but also set boundaries for yourself and preserve yourself a bit by not letting it go on and on?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Wow, this message board means soo much to me already.  I have spent decades feeling alone.  It just seems so weird that I am just now understanding what has gone on in our marriage.  In some ways it is comforting and enlightening.  In other ways, it is a burden. 
What I am hoping to do is to to continue to find ways to take care of myself.  While I am working to be empathetic to my husband, sometimes he ends up crossing the line to more of the 'splitting' behavior and pointing the finger to me which he has done on a regular basis with me.  The good news is that I am recognizing when he makes the turn from thinking I am 'good' to when he now thinks I am 'bad'.
I am learning not to reply to his crazy remarks which normally would have put me on the defensive and turned into an argument. 
An example of this last week is when he asked 'what's wrong with you?' when I left a sweater at an event and went back to get it.  I calmly asked why he said that to me.  He ended up apologizing to me later.  I think he is also realizing what he is doing. 
My husband is officially starting therapy.  He is extremely anxious and on edge and at times near panic.  He is having a hard time sleeping and his mind is giving him all kinds of negative feedback.  I am trying to let this be his process but it is tough to watch. 
Honestly, between being a wife and a mom to people who more than likely are struggling with BPD has been exhausting.  I have had recurring dreams where I am in charge of something and trying to coordinate everyone's activity and I cannot get anything done.  I end up waking up exhausted which I think is my conscience telling me I am trying to do too much. 
THIS IS HARD!

One question from this chain of messages.  With my husband and I both thinking our daughter is struggling with BPD, (and she recognizes that she deals with some issues whether or not she is willing to give it a label), what is the proper way to say or suggest to her to get some therapy?
We have sent her to so much therapy already trying to get help for her.  At some point, I think we are realizing we cannot step in to rescue her all her life?  Is this right?  Or should we continue to try and help her?  She is a 30 year old single girl.  Most recently, she got fired from a very good company and has been out of work for 2 months which is giving us great concern for her financial future.

You might want to have a look at this. Get Someone into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy)

Is she sharing with you about her feelings?
Are you able to talk to her about how she feel regarding her job loss?