BPDFamily.com

Hi :)

My ex is exhibiting all the signs of BPD, from the research I've done.

I would like help and advice with co-parenting, with helping my kids cope with his behaviour, and proceeding smoothly through the divorce process with him.

Looking forward to your very useful advice

OohBee

Hi and welcome,

Just a quick note, Someone here recommended a book to me, called Don’t Alienate The Kids by Bill Eddy. Great place to start. The communication tools here are helpful as well. It’s a learning curve, but not too steep.

Dig

Welcome to bpdfamily, OohBee.

What stage of the divorce process are you in and how old are your children? Many people on this board find that co parenting can be a difficult task with a parent with BPD - decisions for them are often based on feelings which makes reaching agreements hard under the best of circumstances. Divorce is typically the worst of circumstances.

Result is many of us choose to parallel parent v. coparent, i.e. learn how to parent your kids on your time with minimal interaction with your ex. Keep communications with your ex. brief and firm, work to set up structure in the divorce agreement that contains protections for you and your kids should your ex choose to not follow the parent plan. Bill Eddy’s book Splitting is a good resource in preparing for your divorce.

Re. how to support your children through the process, rely heavily on the one thing you can give that a BPD parent cannot give, and that is validation. Listen to what they are feeling and don’t judge it. If your ex were capable of that, you likely wouldn’t be getting a divorce. But a person with BPD is often little better at seeing their kids’ feelings as they are at seeing their spouse’s. More than anything, especially in a confusing time for kids like divorce, they need some validation that what they are feeling is normal. Beyond that, they like to know the practical side of things, like they will have a home and clothes and toothbrush and so forth at their new home.

Hope others post here with their thoughts. This is a supportive environment to work out your thoughts and experiences. Feel free to raise specific questions when the need arises. Keep posting and let us know how you and your children are doing and again welcome to BPD Family

It would be helpful to know how he behaves and is behaving during the divorce.  Is he passive (waif or hermit) or aggressive (queen/king or witch)?  Do you have specific questions?  Sadly, asking vague questions leaves us with providing equally vague less-than-helpful responses.

One excellent, virtually required, handbook during a divorce is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  Everyone here will tell you it is worth every penny — a hundred times over!