BPDFamily.com

Hello, I am the spouse of a newly diagnosed BPD spouse. His therapist will give him his diagnosis on Tuesday and I pray he is willing to accept the BPD diagnosis. He is 61 and I am 57 and we have been married for 17 years together almost 20 years. He is not violent however writes condescending letters, accusatory remarks and blames me for everything.  I am so tired, but willing to stay if he seeks treatment.  If he does not, it will be so very difficult for me to remain in this relationship because I cannot see myself unhappy the rest of my life.  Any words of encouragement on successful treatment is welcome. I do not feel suicidal nor do I have low self esteem etc., because I know I do not have the insecurity etc. problem.  I am not trying to sound pompous it is just that what I am accused of is horrendous... .he accuses me of having affairs with various men, women and for the last two year, has suggested the relationship between me and my 32 year old son is incestuous (for a lack of a better word).  Any advise is welcome... .

Hi Michele C.,

*welcome*

I'm not sure how long you've been checking out the site before your first post, but there is a lot here to learn!

In time it also helps if you participate and give back by supporting others here by posting on each other's threads. It is a great way to learn and build support for yourself - this site can become an invaluable resource in facing the challenges of relationships with these tough/unique issues.

I'm like you. I have pretty good self-esteem, but at times this can all be too much. The piece that is lacking for me is having enough of a support system around me to do this relationship to the full possible potential.

When you say successful treatment do you mean for him? Doing DBT? Or do you mean for you? Having a therapist to help provide you support?

Are you working with any of the tools here? Stop Accusations and Blaming (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0)  and Don't JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0)

I am so sorry you are having to hear such nasty accusations against yourself. To be honest, I have found that by setting very firm boundaries and making it clear there are red lines on extreme things like you've described works best, but that may just be what works for me with my SO.

wishing you peace, pearl.

Hello Michele C. 

I would like to join pearlsw and welcome you to the BPD family community. It's a great place to share your experiences and learn.

I hear you about the horrendous accusations. Part of the illness can have this effect, where our loved ones will project their deep insecurities unto us, the closest one, and deflect the big pain they feel that way. It's part of the phenomenon of feelings = facts.


It's easier for us to understand if we think of their sensitivity to perceived disregards, or perceived abandonment, being much higher than for us. They tend to process their internal feelings by projecting their fears on us. In response, for us to try to prove them wrong we are adding fuel to the fire by validating the unvalidable. 

This has been difficult for me to wrap my brain around.

One big part of the conflicts I have with my spouse has to do with our communication not being tuned in to BPD sensitivities. And while I had to learn more about the approach that worked best so far for us, I must say as long as I tried to make her responsible for communicating as if she was a non, it made things worst. It was as if I was ignoring her feelings by arguing more, and she would try to deflect that on and on and on.

pearlsw pointed to some very good ressources. JADEing is something totally natural to do for a non like me. It's a part of the problem. I would try to explain on and on to prove my point of view. It didn't help much.

Another concept that helped me a lot is the concept of validation. I understood this first as a mean for me to stop putting more fuel in the fire when things get going.

There is more to it, but here is a good place to start. Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

Any thoughts?

Brave