BPDFamily.com

Hello,
I have posted before about my two SIL's one who has BPD tendencies, the other a diagnosis of BPD.  The one who is diagnosed is SIL 1, the older of the two girls.  My husband and I had gone NC with both sisters for a while, but recently reconciled with SIL 2.  The pattern has played out before where we let SIL 2 back in and she pushes for SIL 1 to come back in, so I was not surprised with SIL 1 reached out.  What's more is the reason she reached out... .actually to clarify she had her boyfriend reach out... .because she was getting a hysterectomy.  I posted about this before because I questioned this reasoning.  I feel like it makes me sound so bad, but we have been down this road with SIL 1 before.  In fact, she had told family members that she had a hysterectomy years ago.  In an effort to move forward, I am open to learning about what's going on with her.

The information we have gotten since we learned of her surgery date has been very confusing.  I equate it to her throwing all the darts at the board, hoping one will stick.  She told my husband very confusing things, like "I'm getting a partial hysterectomy where theyre removing my uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes"---which is not what a partial hysterectomy means, "There is blood in my bladder so they may have to remove part of that"---to my knowledge they cannot remove part of a bladder, and "I have four strains of cervical cancer"---not positive, but pretty sure that's not a real thing.

My H and I were able to talk about all this and in an effort to help him worry less, we talked about what didn't make sense and what he may not know about female anatomy.  She typically will speak to him like this where she gives him a TON of information almost to flood him then throws in big words like cancer to make him worried.

Her surgery was last week and it is my understanding that we will be seeing her this coming weekend with her sister and their mom.  It is giving me a lot of anxiety because I am unsure how to approach things with her.  I want to keep things at arms length with her, but also know that when she's face to face with my H he melts.  I get that it is his sister, but how she has treated me in the past is very strongly replaying in my mind.  To say she obliterated me verbally would be an understatement.  My fear with the surgery (real, fiction, or partial fiction) is that she will say "life is too short" and expect things to move forward.

My relationship with my H has been challenged by his sisters and it is one of the only things we get into arguments about.  I want him to protect himself and to protect our relationship, but also want to sensitive to the fact that he has lived with this for his whole life. 

This position is the worst.  I guess what I am looking for is some validation of my feelings and some strategies on how to handle this weekend.  My immediate thought is to not engage in talk of the surgery because I don't want to feed into her extreme need for attention.  As a side note, she has been on social media since she got into the recovery room.  I believe she had something done, but not what she is claiming.  Also, I have determined that even if she is lying, where does that leave me?  Exactly in the same spot as I am now, so i don't know how much it even matters.  I feel like I sound awful, I just have a hard time having sympathy for her after all shes done to me.

Hi Furbaby Mom 

I’m so sorry you are experiencing all this right now. I can understand how you would be very anxious and overwhelmed.


It does feel like a double bind doesn’t it? Like ... .maybe, no matter what you do, it will be used to create more drama and project blame towards you?

Here are some tools to review that will be very helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

How do you envision this weekend meeting going? Who all will be present in addition to her sister and their mom? Do you have to be there? What would happen if you can’t make it?

Let’s see if we can brainstorm some strategies with you?

  L2T

Hi Furbaby Mom, 

I wonder if her sister or mom will have a better handle on what the surgery actually was? You may be able to ask them what the discharge instructions from the doctor were so that you can be careful to not stay too long and tire her out unnecessarily (and you may learn some pertinent facts this way!  :).

Have you thought about quite literally setting a timer on your phone so that you limit your time there? Maybe you'd have a second engagement that you also 'need' to get to by a certain time and your phone alert can go off to remind you. I'd take time to talk about yourself and your DH while you are there if you can.

Are those ideas any help?

 
Wools

I wouldn't even mention the surgery.  If she does,  "glad it was successful." And leave it at that.  You could preempt it by greeting her, "how are you doing?" Give short validating responses of she drones on about it. 

Thank you everyone for your feedback.

I imagine this weekend being interesting.  It is a family bbq at my MIL's new husband's family estate.  She has wanted us to go for the last two years (it's an annual event they throw), but my H and I both felt awkward and unsure if we are even really invited.  We are not relatives and didn't think it was a big deal for us not to go.  My MIL (who has BPD tendencies) made a HUGE deal about us not going last year, even stopped talking to us for a while.  We were told about this event this past October and had to commit then to going.  So... .we kind of "have" to go. 

The dynamics between my MIL and her two daughters is very hot and cold.  They like to pose together in pictures, but stab each other in the back any chance they get.  My H is the person they will each be vying for during this event.  They fawn all over him and need his approval I believe because he is successful. Sadly money and access to events are what these women crave. 

I have been reaching out to my support system and they agree with a lot of the advice given. 

I think my one goal is to cling to my MIL.  She loves showing off my H so I will just be Mrs Charm along for the ride.  I have no idea how many people will be there, but based on pictures from the past I would guess upwards of 70 people.  We will not know 98% of the people there so chatting with others will be a must.  The problem is with situations like this, the sisters have no idea how to behave so they will also want to cling onto my H. 

I think taking my time in introducing ourselves to people, keeping physical space between us and the sisters will be my best bet.  I am curious to see how big of a deal the surgery is allowed to be because my MIL will not be okay with her daughter trying to take the spotlight. 

I think my other goal would be to let SIL 1 know that we are glad she's ok and that we have discussed the idea of meeting up with her and her boyfriend to discuss what all has happened.  I want to make sure she knows that we can be polite to her, but also hold her accountable to at least a conversation. 

I am on the fence about addressing the surgery at all because even if she is lying, she will make me look like the bad guy.  My H is in a place of wanting to reconcile with his family members and I think he understands where I am coming from, but I also have seen these women work their magic on him.  I want to maintain boundaries so badly, but can't do it without my H.

One other fear is that my MIL will have her grandkids there.  VERY long story, summed up here: SIL had 2 children in her late teens/early 20's.  She then got addicted to heroin and ultimately ended up in prison along with her then husband and father of the two kids.  My MIL got custody, weird/unclear events transpired, she put the kids up in the foster system.  They are now adopted (lots of drama with all of that), but the adoptive parents are close with my MIL.  She now uses the kids as a way to entice my H and I to see her more than we see my FIL, who the adoptive parents have blocked contact with.  So sad, so messed up. 
My H has chosen to not see the children when his mother has done these events.  He loves them a lot and has talked with me (a therapist) about the potential implications of them seeing him then the parents pulling them away again.  We have discussed reaching out to the adoptive parents outside of his mom, but he still is processing how he wants that to be.  The last three times we have seen/were supposed to see my MIL, the kids were supposed to be there/were there.  We would have been hijacked.  I am worried that the kids will be there this weekend.  My H and I are trying to come up with the best way of handling the situation if that's the case.
LOTS OF DRAMA ALL THE TIME.  I feel like I am constantly trying to preemptively guess their move so that we aren't totally thrown off.  It feels so sad and so sick to me that we have to live like this. 

  Furbaby Mom,


How did the weekend/BBQ event go? How are you doing?
 

  2T

Hello and thank you for following up,

The weekend was... .interesting.  My fear of opening the door was justified... .

We went to the BBQ.  Both my SIL's were there with their boyfriends.  SIL 1, the one who had a "surgical hysterectomy" was there, was drinking, walking around just fine.  She went on and on about how much in pain she was, but honestly did not look it at all.  She did not seem like someone who had multiple organs removed 10 days before.  I told her I was glad to see her walking around and asked her if it was safe for her to drink beer and she replied that due to her addiction in the past, she was not taking pain killers.  Again, I am glad about that, but really do not believe that she had a hysterectomy.  The bbq was all outdoors and we are in PA... .so the temp was close to 100 degrees.  Very hot, very humid, very icky for all of us... .particularly bad for someone who just had surgery.  My conclusion was that she did not have what she said she had.

We were asked by the sisters to come to get drinks after the event, but my H and I agreed that we would go back to my FIL's house instead.  When we went to say our goodbyes, SIL 1 tried to avoid me.  I stuck to my guns and stood there and waited for her.  Many people told her I was waiting so she was essentially forced to say goodbye. 

She gave me a limp hug and said it was good to see me and she wishes we could hang out soon.  I said that H and I had talked about that and we would like that.  I told her I think that before we move forward, any next get together needs to be us sitting down and talking about everything that has happened.  She said her classic go-to line of "Well... .life is too short for any of this... ."  I said, "I agree with you.  Life is too short for the drama and negativity so lets all sit down soon and hash out what has transpired."  She said something about how her life has been awful for the last year and then I left. 

I felt proud of myself.  I felt like I upheld my boundary well and I am holding her accountable all while I am not expecting an apology.  I expect respect... .that's not much to ask.  My H is on the same page as me with all of that.

More interesting than the bbq were the events that followed.  We stayed at my FIL's house (about an hour away from our house) because it was closer to the event.  We drove back home the next morning.  On the ride around noon or so, we got a text from SIL 1 saying she was having her kids over (for those who don't follow the story, she lost custody of her two kids years ago due to using drugs and going in and out of prison).  SIL 1 wanted us to come back up that way later to have dinner with the kids.  The text was worded very goofy with lots of emojis... .super odd.  We declined mostly because its an hour drive away and she never mentioned anything about it when we saw her less than 12 hours ago. 

We got home, settled in and went to our neighborhood street festival.  My H got a text from SIL 2 who lives in the city with us, but is about 20 min in the other direction saying she was going to be at the festival.  I really didnt want to see her, but we were with a big group so it was fine.  She, her boyfriend, and his two friends eventually found us.  We were all talking and having fun before they got there and she just added a weird vibe to the situation.  She gets goofy and odd doing things like, "Hey! Share my drink with me!" or "Can I braid your hair?"  Just very socially awkward with a big group.  My H had his arms around my shoulders and was being affectionate (major trigger for SIL 2) so she comes over to him and grabs his arm. 

She says something to the effect of SIL 1 was in the ER this morning due to excessive bleeding from the surgery.  I turned to her and said, "We just talked with SIL 1 this morning and she mentioned nothing about being in the ER.  In fact shes having people over and wanted us to come over."  SIL 2 was shocked I fired back and said something like, "yea i know shes having the kids there, but you guys should know she was in the hospital."  We said ok... .whatever.  It was so odd and honestly annoying.

About two days later, I got a text from a random number.  It was SIL 1 (she changes numbers frequently) saying thank you for the flowers we sent on the day of her surgery... .at that point 2 weeks before.  I texted back a thumbs up emoji so she wouldnt get mad that I didn't respond.  The last texts I have from her from a few months ago are so scathing that I don't even want to respond to her, but I did.  SO WEIRD.

All I can think is that the girls did not expect me to speak up because in the past I haven't.  I feel empowered from standing up for myself and my relationship and the boundaries we set.  I am sure they are not going to stay quiet for long, but for now I am loving the silence.

It sounds like the weekend was not without it's issues but overall you did so well! And I sense that you felt empowered by standing up. Good for you!   I'm so glad that you weathered the potential storm.

I agree that it does sound like some of the things that were said were not reflective of the truth, and you didn't fall for it. Do you think it was all about seeking attention and adding drama?

Wools

I do think everything that has been transpiring the last few weeks is for attention and drama.  It makes me really sad that SIL 1 thinks she has to go to these levels because she really doesn't.  Maybe a piece of her knows how damaging the words she said were and how scary some of her actions became around Christmas time?  Maybe she felt like she couldn't apologize and talk it through?  I can't help but to feel like this has all been orchestrated and that is so scary and so pathological. To fake a surgery, to make light of not having kids anymore when so many women can't, to fabricate such a heavy topic is really something I can't quite wrap my head around.

At times it becomes very hard to see the human side of her.  It is hard to relate to the desperate need for human connection I know PwBPD have.  We have always been here for her, but she destroyed all aspects of trust in any relationship we have with her.  It will never be the same moving forward because of her words and actions.  I wish she saw that.  I keep reading about BPD to find some slither of empathy, but right now, I don't have any for her which is hard.