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After my ex cut off contact with me late last year, one of my early reactions was to avidly check her FB page, looking for clues about what happened to us and wanting to know what she was up to. It didn’t do me any good and I stopped doing it about 6 months ago. Haven’t looked at her page since. I’ve found this has helped a lot in the process of detaching.

I don’t want to risk getting back into contact at this point, but for some reason the desire to check her FB page has resurfaced again lately. It’s dangerous but some part of me still wants to do it.  I’d be grateful to hear any ideas on how to think about this.

Hi Sirnut,

That can be tough!

One suggestion I have is that each time you feel that urge, you put another outcome in it's place. For instance, you think of going to FB, come here instead.

Once here, promise yourself to read a certain number of posts and perhaps reply to a certain number. Use this response over and over as a way to slow you down, redirect, and be productive!

Perhaps make a list of reasons not to look. You could write out the list here/now if you like!

wishing you peace, pearl.

Hi Sirnut

I can relate to this even after the same amount of time having passed where I never looked. I can only say that resisting the urge that seemingly came from no-where, worked. My own thoughts is that there was an element of curiosity the more the complete No Contact continued and whilst still dealing with my own pyschic-detachment and recovery, she was still in my mind and checking FB felt almost a way of "situation report" to see what she was up to - is she still even alive - it stemmed from not knowing anything yet her still affecting my life. I wouldnt worry about it, id suggest if up until now youve done this well, it is something that will pass if you have the strength to ignore the idea and will then get easier in time.

Could the thought of doing this just be standard, simple ol curiosity that many do anyway? Whilst under normal circumstances, theres not much problem to check on someone out of general interest - in this scenario of trying to detach from an intense relationship it felt foolish to do so and im glad I never, its worked out better in the long run and I dont get these thoughts to do so anymore.

Wow, I feel this one a lot. I am glad my BPD soon to be x is gone, and I still want to check her facebook... .

I can't let myself do it and I know that. But it can hurt.

Thanks for the encouraging replies. I’ve stayed away from it so far, for good reason, and I know it’s better this way. Best to let it all go.

Hey Sirnut,

Just keep coming back here to check in, if you like, when you feel that urge - or to do any other processing! We're here.

warmly, pearl.

Hi, Sirnut. It sounds like what you’ve been doing has been working for you. Don’t try to fix what isn’t broken.

Aside from my lame and overused analogy, I sense a tug at your heart strings. It’s plain as day, and I know the feeling. I suggest not looking unless you want to emotionally injure yourself.

Why did you decide to stop looking, and what have you been actively doing to better yourself since the breakup?

I understand how hard it is to truly let go. I have a child with mine and am forced to remain in contact with her for the next 14 and a half years. I’m 41 BTW.

You will do yourself a great service by not looking. I understand the urge. When you want to look, just come here and post about the urge. You already know that support will follow.

The only thing that will result in you looking her up is pain. You know, I’ve been listening to some YouTube videos recently while cooking and doing the dishes. One thing that resonated with me is that once someone has abused us, the relationship is over. Another thing that resonated with me is that us checking their social media is a no-no. We’re basically cyber stalking them at this point. Yes. Us. The victims.

Unless you wish to prolong your suffering, Sirnut, I’d suggest not looking. Being easy on yourself means not looking.

Thanks JNChell

Miraculously, I saw your post when I was just about to give in. I’ll take that as a sign.

Since the breakup I’ve been doing the right things - counseling, finding support, and having a productive focus on work and family. It’s working, slowly, and I found your comments very perceptive. Thanks

You’re very welcome. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Take your time and process.