BPDFamily.com

I don't know where to start.  I've been involved with my girlfriend for 5 years now and I sometimes feel that I am at wits end.  While she has not been diagnosed as having BPD, I have felt that could be the case for about 8 months and she just recently found information on BPD online and now also thinks she may have BPD.

I feel that I am constantly being criticized, that I can never do enough to keep her happy, that I am blamed for everything wrong in her life, that she expects me to be a magic man and solve everything wrong in her life.  When something goes wrong, it can very easily turn into a rant against me or even rage.  I don't know what to do when this happens.  I am trying to set limits and not allow for excessive verbal abuse and blame.

I just need help and someone to communicate with about things.

Read "walking on eggshells". That's a great place to start.
Is she open to possibly getting a diagnosis? Seeking therapy?
Mine sought both, did a month of inpatient and learned so much about herself, and why she is the way she is. She continues therapy to this day, ans she swears by it. Her oitbursts lessen, amd sje can figure things out or stop then fron haooening nore often. It's helped us figure so much of what often seems "crazy" out. It will never be easy, but it can get easier if you both are willing to work at it.

Hey Maximum44,

What sort of behaviours did you experience from her? Can you tell us more about those? I found it helpful to me to hear about others experiences as its strangely comforting to draw paralells.

The behaviours I mainly noticed were:-

A desperate unshakeable need to feel loved - she would always say things like "i just need someone to love me". She needed an inhuman level of comfort and support

Fear of abandonment - terrified of anything that shook her feeling that i wanted her and bad reactions to anything she perceived as not supporting her


Raging - one minute she would be perfectly happy and lovely but the tinyest thng would cause her to fly into a rage with me. The things that set her off could be very minor and almost inpercievable, such as she would say i was meant to walk on the left side of her down the road so so i did as a sort of joke but that was apparrently mocking her and off she went, or she got me a card and i put it up on display in my house and that is apparently me proving to her that i cannot be trusted to allow us to have anything special between us. Those rages could be either momentary snappyness or be a twenty minute screaming session down the phone. Results in the infamous feeling of constantly walking on egg shells


Emotions - all her emotions, good and bad, were more extreme.


Trust - seemed like a HUGE deal to her, once breached in even a tiny way or often totally illogical way and it was just gone entirely, like there is no grey areas there at all

Worthlessness - feeling like she doenst deserve good things, she woud tell me im better off without her or let people treat her badly because their needs are more important than hers

Constant emotional overload

Anxiety


During her rants and rages it was very much about her, if i tried to explain myself in any way that was me steamrollering over her feelings and making me more important than her, making me right and her wrong. Its impossible to argue with. Spent a lot of time rading about this on here, validation etc.  Wish id known this before i met her!


Are your experiences with your lover anything like these or anything else jump out to you about how she behaved?

Bud W--

"Walking on Eggshells"?  Is that the book by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger?  If so, I have it and I'm reading it for the second time.

I don't think she is open yet to going for a diagnosis or therapy.  She has a lot of trust issues and I don't know if she could find a therapist that she would be comfortable with.  Another problem is that she feels that she doesn't have time and doesn't feel that she could get off work for appointments although I expect she could find something outside her work hours but that may limit the possible therapists and making it harder to find one she would trust.  She also worries about the cost involved.  She is currently reading some books and information online and feels she is learning about the way she feels and reacts.

Samson1234 ---

First some background, I am 60yo and she is 50.  We have been together for 5 years now.  Both are divorced.  We have lived together off and on and are currently living apart.

All of the above are my opinions from observing and talking with her.

She doesn't have high self esteem.  She works in a job that she feels is menial and feels that everyone else has it better than her.  This causes her to rant about everyone else, "why can they do this or that and I can't".  This will then transfer to me being just like everyone else and I get blamed for issues in her life or not fixing the issues in her life.  From here the ranting will often turn to rage.

I mentioned trust above in regards to therapy but I don't feel she trusts anyone, including me.  This may also be a fear of abandonment issue.  But she always thinks that I may be up to something.  If I talk to my sisters, I must be talking about her, etc.  That's part of the reason I am here to have someone to talk to and to discuss things.

I definitely see splitting.  One minute I can be the most wonderful man in the world and the next I'm the cause of everything wrong or I'm not doing the things to make it right.

She wants indepedence but she wants someone taking care of everything for her (without her asking, just knowing what she wants).

Sometimes I will say something just kidding around and it will spark emotions in her that sets off ranting and raging.  Or I may say something about someone I know doing something, where they work, etc and I think it sparks the everyone is better than her emotions and set of the ranting and raging.  (She always is upset that everyone asks people they meet, "what do you do?"   She wonders why they need to know and sometimes doesn't grasp the idea of casual conversation.  I think this is related to the everyone is better than her feelings.)  This makes it hard sometimes to converse as I don't know what casual thought is going to set things off.  It can be hard to see her world view.

Raging - When she goes into a rage it can be scary.  Usually it is just verbal screaming but she has smashed things, thrown things, and pushed me a few times.  Sometimes I lose my own control and start screaming back.  (I read some last night about the don't JADE idea so I will be working on that.)  I usually try to leave but she will sometimes threaten me, once going to far as to say she would kill me.  The next day she is usually apologetic and sometimes doesn't even remember what she said.

Last night she was into a rant and I could feel the tension building towards a rage.  She was starting into the blame game, "why didn't you do this for me?  if something happens because you didn't, it is your fault" type of things, going from one to another.  I told her I was going for a walk and that I wasn't going to sit and have her talk to me that way.  And I left.  When I got back she had gone and neither of us communicated until I texted her this afternoon.  She is planning to come here tonight and spend the night.  Hopefully it will be better than last night.

More later... .

Hi Maximum44,

I'd like to join Samson1234@ and Bud w in welcoming you here! Glad to see new members jumping in lending support!  

It is a big, important step just that you are able to recognize what you are seeing. I can't emphasize enough how important that step is! It can help lay the foundation for you to depersonalize some of this stuff and begin to address it. There is a lot here to address and it can get overwhelming. There won't be perfect responses. You may even find that as you begin to do work on yourself she will become even more difficult, but there are strategies for all of this and it is all worth a try if you are up for it!

Have you read about:

SET (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0) and Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0)?

Please keep us posted on how not JADE-ing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0). works for you!

wishing you the best, pearl.

I am going to continue to post in this thread until I get a different login id.  This way anyone who learns this idea should see the change.

I have been reading about SET and Validation.  I will have some questions about these techniques/methods later after I do more reading.

Right now I have a problem.

We are trying living apart after living together off and on for 5 years.  She has moved to a mobile home that I bought for her about 20 minutes from my house and her job.  The mobile home is something that she looked for and picked out although afterwards she says that she had to make those decisions because of our relationship problems.  (I don't know how else to explain that.)

Anyway, we have 2 dogs.  Some evenings she stops to see me and the dogs on her way home after work.  This triggers a lot of emotions and she is now saying that it isn't working, although at the same time saything that right now we need to keep separate residences.  Her suggestion is for her to take the dogs to her trailer and that I drive to her trailer every day while she is at work to look after the dogs, then drive home after she gets home.

I don't like this plan.  I feel that it is not good for me as I will never be able to do anything at the house during the week (I will be getting home probably around 8pm everyday).  It probably isn't the best for the dogs but I don't want to use the dogs as an excuse for my feelings.

I am scared to tell her that I don't like the idea.  She says that I always negate her ideas.  How do I express my dislike of the idea without it starting a "you always say no to my ideas" rant?  Is this a SET situation?

S:  I want to find a way that you can see me and the dogs without the emotional distress.
E:  You feel detached when you have to leave me and the dogs to go home.
T:  ?

I don't know.  I'm so new to all this.  I see this also triggering a situation where she says I'm being selfish.  Well I am in a way.  But isn't she too?

I would like to try to find a compromise but isn't that negating her idea as well?

HELP!

Hi Maximum44,

Before we start working on wording, can I ask you to please think through together what the possible solutions/suggestions you could make are? What is best for you? What is best for her? What is best for the dogs? Try to take a step back and be objective, depersonalize, like a judge would at court.

Can you write out those ideas/suggestions please? That will help us take the emotion out of it and find a compromise I think.

sincerely, pearl.

Yep, that pretty much sums up my experience.  Maximum, I found the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad incredibly helpful.  It turned my thinking around and gave me clarity.  My husband is both BPD/NPD, but the book is valid for either. 

Hang in there.

Buzz

I will post again tonight.  Right now I'm getting ready to leave for her place to mow her grass.  She isn't there right now, she is doing something with her adult child.  But at this stage, I'm not even sure what compromises to suggest and fear even suggesting a compromise.  I think her reaction will be one of telling me that I am always saying no.  Of course other times she says I always say yes just to please her and that I shouldn't do that.

(I read other peoples' posts and think of my situation and it is all so overwhelming for all of us.  There is so much going on and it is hard to even focus on one issue at a time.)

I have undergone a name change to protect my identity.  I will be posting under this id from now on.

Well, I did not see my gf today.  She was off helping her adult child with some things and did not get home by the time I had finished mowing her grass and had headed home to mow some of mine.  This last I had heard from her, I had told her I had finished the grass and was heading home.  She said "Ok.  Thank u so much."  I texted her to see if she got home ok and I haven't heard back.

Anyway, some of the idea that I have would be:

• Status quo - the dogs and I stay here at my house and she stops after work.  This doesn't work well for her as she gets really emotional having to leave us to go home.
• Her idea - she would take the dogs and I would drive there each day to look after the dogs while she drives here for work.  Sometime after she gets home, I would drive back here for the night.
• Compromise 1 - she would take the dogs for part of the week and I would drive there each day to take care of them while the rest of the week the dogs would stay here and she could stop to visit after work.
• Compromise 2 - she would take the dogs for part of the week and I would stay at her place during this period (or part of the time during this period.  The rest of the week the dogs would stay here.
• Compromise 3 - the dogs would stay here and she would stay here too during all or part of the work week.

I don't know what is really best for her.  The dogs, while she loves them and having them there would help it feel more like home, also trigger her anxiety.

For me, having the dogs here is better.  It allows me time to do work both inside and outside the house.  I also have a business that requires time out of the house in the evenings and on those days I would be gone from the house from 8:30 am until about 10:00 or 11:00 pm.  Sometimes I travel out of town and would have to leave before she would get home.  Also, I would like to expand with some afternoon times.  I can leave the dogs here but would be afraid of leaving them alone at her place.  Add to that the wear and tear on 2 cars.

For the dogs, I would think that here is better.  One dog is small while the other is bigger and not the best behaved.  We keep them separate and there is more room here to do that.  Plus there is a small fenced yard here where they can go outside.  And they have pretty much just lived here since being pups.

With her idea of taking the dogs there and my driving there everyday would both wear on me and on my car.  She would say why does she have to do the driving and have the wear on her car (for which I paid 75% and would probably have to replace).  I would say why wear out both cars when one may have its life extened by not putting the extra miles.  Besides, she was the one who started looking for mobile homes in the town in which she is now living (it is between me and her parents and adult child).  But none of that logic will work.

Just an observation... .

But knowing the savage pain of what you are going through, being there myself at the minute, I cant help notice the degree of thought and effort you are going to to deal with the contact between the dogs you guys have.

Today I turned up to work and I was wearing trousers, I consider those as my success criteria for my life at the minute, but haven't eaten in a week and have two bottles of wine here they are unlikely to make it to see the morning... .

Is this something you are used to dealing with? You seem remarkably practical minded about the situation

Hi Maximum44,

I'm an outsider, and can only go on what I see, but all 3 compromises sound reasonably fair. Her idea seems like the least best idea I must admit. I know what it's like to worry about wear and tear on the car, and the inconvenience of all this is a factor too. Also, I think it's important that the pets not feel distressed, hopefully this can be fun for them.

Maybe your T above could just be you suggesting which idea you think is best. I know how hard it is, I feel like if you can't solve basic problems it's pretty hard to stay together as a couple.

Does she feel detached or abandoned or lonely when she leaves after seeing the dogs at your place and then going home (presumably) alone?

How is the living apart in separate locations going for you two overall may I ask?

take care, pearl.

Hey Maximum44.  
I'm sorry that you have this kind of problem to sort out with your partner. It sucks when they are being impractical and we don't want to trigger them yet make things simpler.

One thing that catches my attention is that your gf seems to have strong difficult emotions when she comes visit you and the dogs after work everyday, and that is making her uncomfortable. Am I getting this right?

Another thing is that she seems attached to the dogs and feels it might be unfair to her that you get to keep them with you, while she gets to go home alone without them everyday.
Is that correct?

Brave

I tend to be a practical person.  I am used to dealing with things like this in my relationship but the problem comes from her feeling that I always say no to her ideas.  (Except when she says I say yes to everything because she feels I am just trying to please her and not say how I really feel.)

Yes.  I think that detached is a very good description of how she feels when she leaves after seeing me and the dogs.  Her new place doesn't seem like home but it has only been a little over a month.

It seems to be working better than living together, at least from my point of view.  If she has a bad day at work and her emotions are running wild, she can go straight home and I don't trigger a rage.  But for her it might be a break even situation.  No rage but she does feel detached.

You hit the nail on the head about feeling she is being impractical but not wanting to trigger a reaction.

She doesn't have strong emotions, especially when she has to leave me an the dogs.  I think it is like pearlsw said, she feels detached.  I think she also thinks it is unfair.  I can agree with that but I think the dogs being here is more practical.

I am tempted to think that she would like to come home to the dogs too like you do, but that her idea is not exactly what's best for that. Like she would not have thought this out very well, but she would have thrown her own discomfort in the open.

In her reality, she did move to the mobile home because of your relationship problems. It seems that from just that perspective alone one could see the 'unfairness'. I'm not suggesting this is a mature judgement, but nevertheless, this is her feelings.

In BPD language, feelings = facts.

It's not the normal way. I agree.
It's BPD land.

I would rather try to suggest a solution that is more practical in terms of both of you, compared to taking the stance that she should think about how impractical this is for you.

I'm inclined to want to start an SET with something in the line of:

Support: I know that you feel it's unfair that I get to come home to the dogs and you're not. After all I know that you did this move because it was best for our situation right now.

Empathy: It's normal when two people separate that both want to be closer to the animals they both love. I'd prefer that too.

Truth: I would be OK with going along with you having the dogs going to your place x days/week for a trial time. You would need to make arrangements to take care of their needs for these days. I will take care of the days they are with me.

Than ask her how she sees the logistics on it and validate her feelings. See how you can accommodate in a different way than driving there everyday.

Any thoughts?

Brave

Update ... .the dog situation hasn't come up again.  I haven't broached the subject either.  Sometimes I feel it is best to let sleeping dogs lie.  (Pun intended.)

But man, the roller coaster ride that is this relationship.  I have been spended some time reading other posts and replies and it really helps to see that others have many of the same feelings that I do.

I have been trying hard not to lose my cool and to not JADE when she starts ranting.  I have a hard time validating when I feel attacked.  So I say very little to avoid adding fuel to the fire.

It really tears me up when she says that she feels I don't care because I don't meet her expectations 100% of the time.

Hi Maximum44,

Well, maybe you will get lucky and the status quo will be enough - you keeping the dogs at your place. We'll see!

Yes, I think one of the major benefits of this site and just the recognition that we are not alone. We can't solve all the problems we face, but knowing that others understand our particular obstacles in life means a whole lot!

Validation is tough for me too at times. My SO's emotions are so strong I just want to tune him out at times. I feel like the stereotypical man in the relationship at times!

Tonight an emotional topic came up and it was actually helpful that he told me to be careful in how I worded it to him. I said okay, I can do that. It was nice to see him express a need and be able to help with it. It is good that we could both recognize his emotional sensitivities and be mindful of them.

I think, one basic thing to do is just bring as much positivity back into the relationship as you can. To be positive and see the upside of not living under the same roof. (That sounds positively dreamy to me!) Praise goes a long a way too. When she does things you like, or make you feel good, let her know. Those are tools too!

What kinds of attacks are you hearing lately? What's going on?

take care, pearl.

Hey Maximum44 I'm glad to hear you have a reprieve with that issue.  I so agree with pearlsw!... .It's so important to have our feelings and reality being acknowledged and validated. If it was not for this site and the support I find here, I don't know what I would have done.

Keep on posting. Your experience matters.

Brave

Update:  We took the dogs to her place the other evening for a test run.  The Yorkie did well although it was obvious that he knew he was in a different place and that worried my GF as she was afraid he was going to mark his territory everywhere.  But the part Pit was a different story.  He wouldn't go up the steps to the front porch.  So GF is now saying that she doesn't think he will get over that fear.  So for now at least, the dogs stay here.

How to describe the attacks I feel?  Sometimes she will tell me that I'm self centered, that I don't care about her.  She will call me a liar.  She says that I have kept her from achieving her goals (I should start that in another thread concerning financial matters.)  It is so much of the black and white thinking.  If I don't do one thing that she wants done I've gone from being an angel to a horrible insensitive person.

Tonight we had an interesting talk over a couple books on loving someone with BPD (SWOE is one).  We talked about how she has trouble with jobs where she is in contact with people because the things they do that she doesn't like causes her emotions to run wild and then she either has to run (quit) or explode (quit or get fired).  We talked about how she feels internal crises with situations like her job (because she doesn't like it and feels trapped in it) and having the second living space (makes her feel trapped in the job she doesn't like).  She is staying here this week to cut down on the driving a bit and how not having something that she didn't bring, like a particular pair of shoes is an internal crisis to her.  She understands that some things that she sees as a crisis, I don't see that way and I understand that she feels trapped and demeaned by her job.  But I shouldn't have said that I don't see them as crises ... .that losing her job would be more of a crisis.  So I blew the validation there.  No rant though.

We talked about problem solving and looking into other work ideas that she has.  I said that she should list them and then research each ... .what each would take to accomplish, what impact this would have on her and on others in her life ... .basically look into everything involved.  She said that she has considered other people before and that she has been leaving jobs because of it.  (I feel this is blaming me.  She often says that she has changed jobs because of me, to be closer to where I/we live, etc.)

I had maxed out on the conversation and she was going to bed.  I was telling her goodnight, planning to stay up later and she said she wants to know how we are going to address these issues.  I said I didn't know and we could talk about them either Thursday evening or tomorrow (Wednesday) evening depending on how we both feel when I get home from the class that I teach.  She told me she didn't know where she would be tomorrow night.  *sigh*

Again, I'm so glad that I have this forum to talk to!

Thanks Brave.  I will definitely keep posting.  I don't know if I should start different threads for different issues or just post here.  Maybe I'll start a thread, Maximum44's r/s issues to better define the thread.  This title seems so generic.

Hey Max,

That title sounds a bit generic too! I can change it though. Just PM me!

It can be good to keep a thread running even if you switch gears a bit here and there. If you feel a need for a totally new one that is okay too. Best is to keep not more than 2 running at the same though and keep them distinct enough that folks aren't left ping ponging back from one to the other to keep up with you!

That's nice that you two did a test run. One tool you have is simply praise/positive reinforcement! When she does things that work, hugs, or kind words, whatever works for you to to keep some good energy between you can make a difference.

Years ago my SO stuck it to me pretty hard over the fact he makes more money than I do and how he contributes so much but does not get any appreciation. It was not so nice, but instead of throw insults back I decided to make an effort to thank him a lot more, extra than I normally would, for how hard he works for us and showing up with all that money! I try to thank him and joke about stuff when I can, I think this may have been one of the things that has kept me (nearly) sane all these years - both the joking and expressing gratitude to keep nice words in the air around me no matter what! And it was free and easy to do!

Oh yes, I've often missed chances to validate. I never had any idea how logical I was until I met him... .funnily thinking he must be so logical in that he is an engineer - wrong! But we laugh about it. I am so impressed you are having these open discussions with her though! Wow!

Maybe when you sit down to discuss the issues again you can depersonalize the issues even. Try to say, hey we are team, arm signals to show you together, what are the solutions to the problems that work for us, signals to problems out there in the abstract, let's brainstorm. Not sure if that would work, depends on the issue, but... .you had victories here. She went to bed and did not fight all night, a lot of folks describe that happening, and she seemed to be willing to wait to another day to talk - that is amazing! I don't always get that, that's for sure! Ugh!

These are successes, however small they may seem.

I think you can pick up now, and show up at the next talk with validation on these issues. It's not too late!  Just tell her I know how hard that must be to feel this way. A lot of people would feel this way. What can we do to make it better?

And again, it is a success that she is with you for a week I think! (Sorry if I am misreading this, but that sounds good from here!) And about the shoes, ask her if you can buy her an extra pair to always have in car or something perhaps, I know some shoes can be expensive though!

I've had some great jobs and some demeaning ones - let it to be the two of you against the downsides of capitalism, on the same side!

I know it is hard when we feel blame. If you do a lot of mirroring and repeating back what she is saying, cut through the icky packaging and get at the basic message. Think of your job as being a listener and a great summarizer... .oh go read Cat Familiar's posts on Conflicted. She is extremely talented at listening and summarizing - her posts serve as "living examples" of how to do this. I need to go study them myself! (She did this on some replies to a thread I did over there and really blew me away!)

take care, pearl.

So on to the newest crisis and this one I feel is truly a crisis situation, not life or death but extremely stressful.

Today I get a text that she is giving notice at her job and can I cover the trailer expenses while she looks for a new job.

Her job right now is housekeeping at a school for troubled youth.  The semester had ended and she was cleaning up and threw out some projects that were needed for a future conference.  This is something that she does, feeling she knows how things should be cleaned and organized, even for other people (including me).  She feels that the projects should have been labeled as not being trash.  The school feels she should check before throwing out anything.  I agree with the school.  You don't assume that something isn't needed or wanted unless it is put in the trash recepticle.  But I can't tell her that or all ____ will break loose.

So now we have two residences and possibly soon only my retirement income, which is about break even with my house expenses.  (Someday I will give more background info.)  I feel that I can cover a couple months out of savings but I don't feel comfortable going much past that.  I have already reduced my savings by paying off her school loans, paying off her car, buying the trailer for her, and putting some money into an account for her to have for setting up the trailer and to give her some feeling of financial security.  She hasn't mentioned using that money for covering expenses while she is looking for work and when I asked how much of that money was left, she never answered.  Sometimes it feels like she thinks I have an endless supply of money.  She now feels the trailer was a mistake and wants to sell it along with everything in it (some of which was furniture and household items that I inherited).

I told her to give me tomorrow to think about what options we have and we can talk tomorrow evening.  But tonight she started in on how everything is wrong in her life because she feels we have no definition with our relationship although I have told her that I want us to be together forever.  She feels that we have no purpose together as a couple, that she is working with no goal in mind, that something should be defined like "we are working to buy a house."  Or she feels we should be working to make money for a trip or vacation.  I, on the other hand, want to make enough to cover expenses first and to be confident that there will be money for major expenses like replacing cars and major home repairs and medical expenses.  The house is being paid for.    Once that confidence level is reached, then extra money can be used for a trip or vacation but surviving the rest of our lives is what I worked for and hope she would work for.

But I feel that her BPD is getting in the way of that.  She has lost so much money giving stuff away because she makes an impulsive decision on where she is going to live.  If she does get a small surplus of money, she has no sense of saving it.  She will buy something with the surplus, usually for someone else (tools for me, things for her adult son).  I can't convince her to save anything.  She said the other day she would like to try to accumulate some savings but now she is thinking of quitting her job so no savings there.

She feels that I keep financial information separate and that she doesn't understand when I say that I am reaching the point where I can only cover a couple months of her residence expenses before hitting a point that I am uncomfortable.  I have several times tried to show her the purposes for my savings, how much I feel is expendable, etc.  I don't even know what to say to her.  I want to look at things so logically but that is not something that she can grasp.  (More on finances later in background info.)

Anyway, maybe I just needed to get this out.  Thanks always for listening.  I guess tomorrow evening we will talk.  Do I sound like I am being unreasonable?

Hi Maximum44,

This all sounds very reasonable, thoughtful, and loving to me! I am sorry the message you want to send does not seem to reach her somehow.

I don't have experience with juggling such things in my own relationship, but I can imagine how difficult it would be have a partner who is impulsive, very emotional, etc.

I think this would be a good time to review these tools:
Don't JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0).

Validation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0)

I think it is helpful, until these become second nature, to go back, reread, and do a mental reset.

I had a heck of a time myself yesterday because I was trying to be logical and I just needed to take a pause with that. I got lucky in that he stepped in and did a repair and my night at the emergency room (for a delayed emergency thingy that had me stressed out and a bit sad an a bit grouchy) was actually filled with a lot of jokes and laughter. Always remember, one of the most basic "tools" is to do all you can to remain calm! It can make a world of difference!

If you want, take a read, and then come back and tell us how this might prepare you for the upcoming conversation.

wishing you the best, pearl.

p.s. And I am sorry that this misunderstanding at her work escalated to this point. Although you see it differently try to put yourself in her shoes. In the end it was an honest mistake she made from the sounds of it. She thought she was doing her job in a right way, it's unfortunate, but mistakes happen. I hope she finds something else soon!