BPDFamily.com

Hi to whomever reads this. I am introducing myself, and looking for help. I am so immersed in taking care of my partner, and navigating her emotions, that I have forgotten how to be a person of my own. Apart from the drama.

Every time I engage in any study of something thay deeply interests me, she becomes overtly needy. Contant interuptions, depressive episodes, excessive physical contact... .

I can not leave the house apart from going to work, without extreme guilt for abandoning her and stealing time and attention that rightfully belongs to her.

Except it doesn't. I am only just now realizing this. I am only just now trying to find myself again. I think I have drowned in guilt to the point I have broken through to the other side - where I don't actually care, anymore. I need TIME. I need SPACE. I need FREEDOM.

But I want to do it without severing the relationship. Because I do love her. And I have committed to her, which means a great deap to me. She does bring love and happiness and wisdom and understanding to the table... .

She is just so very desperate for my attention that I can hardly breathe. I am weary of trying to convince her I will not leave her. I have given up so much of myself, because of what she calls "bad timing"... .Where a thing I do will result in her having an episode of deep depression, anxiety, or paranoia. To the point I... .

I just can't.

I just... .Can't.

How do I exist again?
How do I draw appropriate bounderies?

Hi MisterMe,

*welcome*

Glad you are here, though you are clearly hurting a lot right now! I hope you will stick around with us and get to know the site and its resources. There is a strong, supportive community here with a lot of collective knowledge.

We can't solve all the problems you have listed here in a day, but we can get the conversation going.

May I ask, how long have you been together? Do you live together? Is she in therapy presently? Is she aware of her issues with abandonment?

Some members have had success with this, but I've come to see this as an ongoing process and not something which gets solved. Our partners often find new ways to express things that no longer work for them as we begin to change.

What else would you like to be doing with your time that you are not doing because of the stress/drama of trying to go out more?

with compassion, pearl.

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am sorry for the stress you are under but I see awareness there and that is the first big step!  You are right, you can't just live your life according to her needs and with the intention of avoiding her triggers or poor coping skills.  You can set limits and still be in the relationship. 

You have a right to have some time alone, to have your own thoughts and needs and even to get those needs met.  Doing this is what keeps you you and it is healthy to want and to do them.  Your guilt is a distortion of sorts.  You can't control her triggers or avoid her getting upset.  What you can do is learn to set limits with love and kindness without losing yourself in the process.

This is the place to do that.  We have people here who are on the same path as you, some ahead of you and some right beside you, so you have good company. 

The first thing I will recommend seems like a small inconsequential thing but is actually a way to help yourself make the changes that need to be made.   This is an article we have on our site called Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind).  Working on wise mind will help you manage your guilt and any triggers you may have that are keeping you in the same dysfunctional dynamic that you want to change.

Read through it and try to incorporate practicing this into you day.  Over time it can help with so many things.  We have plenty of other articles too but I think what might be ther most important thing to do is to read the other threads here and participate; read, post, ask questions, etc.  Learning about the disorder and how others cope with it will help as will building  community of like minded people.

I am glad you are here and hope you feel free to jump right in.