BPDFamily.com

I don't feel like talking.  I just want to stop hurting.

fair enough!

we can help, but can you tell us how youre hurting? we can take it slow.

She was diagnosed as PTSD due to childhood neglect last year.  For 20 years I've felt like I was the reason for the turmoil in our marriage. Her therapist suggested some BPD resources to help me "deal". I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel like I'm coming apart.

you could not have found a better support group, full of people who understand what its like, not to mention real tools that can help things get better. let the healing begin.

20 years is a long time. it sounds like youre committed, but hurting considerably, and at the same time i imagine theres a great deal of relief in learning there is a label for this stuff youve experienced, and even answers to questions (any you want to ask?).

how long has she been in therapy? what led up to her going?

You have us.  
You truly are in the right place to talk about partners who suffer from BPD and being in that dynamic. 20 years is a long time, and I can only imagine all the stress you took in and second guessed yourself. Its tough. What made you feel like you were the reason for this turmoil you mention?

Have you thought about seeing a Therapist yourself? Once I started seeing one, I came to better grips of who I am and how to better be as a person. It keeps me centered and aware of my actions towards myself and others.

Please share as much as you can. We are here to listen, friend.

We started seeing a therapist last year for a few months.  When it became evident she had childhood trauma most of the sessions went toward helping her resolve her issues.  She resumed therapy this summer on her own.  She told me she's working on things that don't involve me.
In our relationship, it seems the more I talk the more ballistic she becomes.  I've become the peacemaker that smooths things over... .including my own opinions.
Thanks for welcoming me, here.  I need... .something. Answers I guess.

I'm also trying to figure how this forum interface works.  I'm new to forums in general.  If my posting seems disjointed it's because of my learning curve.

She argues with an intensity that leads to violent reactions.  For the sake of my children I'd just apologize.  After apologizing so much, a person just starts to feel like it's their fault.

are things still violent? are you safe?

it sounds like shes committed to therapy. thats very promising. is it DBT therapy, do you know?


one of the first tools many of us learn, and one of the easiest (which is not to say its "easy" or wont take practice) is not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). do you want to learn more?

I'm not familiar with DBT therapy.  She doesn't say much about her sessions.  Yes, I'm interested in learning more about JADE.

When I say violent, I mean screaming, slamming doors, throwing things. Once in awhile I'll get slapped.  However, I'm bigger than her and could restrain her if absolutely necessary, but I was raised to turn the other cheek. Be patient, loving, kind.  Use finesse, not force.  I just don't have the tools when she's aggressive. 

Side note: I have a theory she creates "situations" so she can explode.  Receive an apology.  Feel comforted and in control.  Am I out to lunch? This is the only way I can explain her behavior.  This occurs about weekly on average and I can't take it.

great!

so as i mentioned, JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. and in general, it tends to fuel conflict when we want to learn to deescalate conflict. it can fuel circular arguments. it can get one or both parties really wound up.

sometimes we do it instinctively. surely theres a time and a place to explain your point of view, right? sure. my personal rule of thumb is to do so once or twice max, only if im asked, and only when myself and the other party are in a state of relative calm.

but sometimes, what we are really doing is trying to win an argument, or convince our significant other of our perspective. thats the attitude that fuels conflict. thats what we want to learn to let go of. its hard to do, it requires practice, but when you do, i think youll find things get a lot less stressful for you.

learning not to JADE builds on another tool here, where we learn not to be invalidating (more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating). JADEing is often invalidating. furthermore, it often validates the invalid, which we dont want to do.

for a silly example, lets say youre a brunette. lets say i tell you i hate your blonde hair. youre not really inclined to have an argument about that, are you? in a more common example, sometimes when we JADE, we are defending ourselves against wild or baseless accusations. when you defend yourself against baseless allegations, you look guilty. if anything, this confirms our partners suspicions.


obviously, it is good not to respond with force. youre going to want to nip any violence toward you in the bud, though, and you never want to signal that any of it is acceptable.

we have a whole host of lessons on Surviving confrontation and disrespect here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

it would be a good idea to dive in and begin to apply them.


you likely arent too far off here. the long and short of it is that people with BPD traits have a great deal of internal chaos, and generally a host of dysfunctional coping mechanisms that project it onto others. likely, this isnt going on in her head in a conscious or thought out way, its more like a reflex. the trick is that as you begin applying the lessons you learn here, you dont pick up that conflict, or unknowingly escalate it, and ideally, our partners learn to self soothe.

 :hi: Levi Idaho,


Oh, I doubt you are out to lunch. My mother did this to me on the regular. Created a huge drama, then claimed victim, then demanded that I console her. I just wanted to run. I was a little kid. For the sake of survival I not only had to console her, I had to tell her it (her behavior) was ok.

Have you checked out our tools?  Ending conflict is a good one:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

You are not alone. It can get better. Keep asking questions and let us know how we may help you.

  L2T

You got some good feedback and tools from Once Removed, Learning2Thrive.

How have things been going? please update us when you can