BPDFamily.com

I don't know how to cope. Everyday is so gloomy and depressing to me.
Help me. I feel like I am losing my mind.

Hi there, SerendipityChild. Welcome. I'm about six weeks out myself and in the very same state. You will find many others here that are in varying stages of grief. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this.

How long were you and your partner together? Have you been in contact? Does he or she have a diagnosis?

Thanks for your message BasementDweller... .I am so happy I found this site. And I am sorry for your loss as well.
I do believe he was diagnosed but would not admit it to me. Maybe he was in denial... or afraid I was going to abandon him if he told me about it.

I have nobody to talk to about my misery because I have lost most of my friends and family because of him. It is a very painful feeling in my chest and gut. It is an incomparable pain- the kind that leaves you wanting to not wake up in the mornings. No motivation to do anything.

We have been together on and off for five years. We separated once for a month but I ended up taking him back. Then the devaluation and splitting happened again and he left me on June 1st.
On August 1st I left the rest of his stuff and mail at his job hoping to get a glimpse of him. I was so scared and excited at the same time. If I waited for half an hour I would have seen him. But I did not wait- maybe because I was afraid of being rejected again and the pain will just get worse.
The last few days are unbearable. He is in my mind 24/7. I have two children and I should save my energy taking care of them instead, but it is so hard to get him off my mind.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.  It sucks, especially when children are involved.  I'm two weeks out on discard number 2.  Just writing it out helps a lot.  Reading what some other members have done to get through it has helped me as well.  You'll get through it.  I have faith.   

Thanks AlteredReality for your response. I agree, reading about how the others are coping is a great help. I hope you will get through it as well.

Hi and welcome SerendipityChild :hi:

We are all here to give support whatever stage your at, however you feel day to day we have all been through our own ups and downs - it can feel excruciating now.

can I ask you how has it felt over the last 2 months? I found from my experience id have some days better than others, it sounds good that you have some distraction I found that helped me a lot to get through the initial raw-emotions of what youve been through.

Hello Cromwell and thanks for your message.

The day he left we had a huge fight. All the harsh words he said almost killed me. What I felt was a little relief when he left. I kept telling myself I am so glad he is gone. That I could no longer stay in this toxic relationship. I am better off with a man who is more deserving of my love and attention. The first three weeks were okay and the last few were quite depressing. Too much that I feel like I could hardly do anything. Takes a lot to get up in the morning and do simple chores. I almost had a breakdown today at work.
I am just glad to have found this site and know I am not alone.

I think those first two and three months are really hard and what you are experiencing is pretty typical... .hard as anything, but part of the process.  I am in that same time frame and just now starting to glimpse some moments of relief from the depression and heaviness.  What has helped me was reading as much as possible about BPD, realizing I could not change my partner's way of thinking or behaving, and that I was truly not responsible for her choices.  Then I had to take a very hard look at my part in the codependent relationship and my own past abandonment and childhood losses that also came roaring back to life!  I think that as long as I continued to focus on my ex, I wasn't totally looking at myself.  I decided that no matter how painful and excruciating some of the memories and sensations were, I was going to sit with them and not run away from them.  I made a choice to start feeling more compassionate for myself and that also helped.  Everyone has told me it gets better with time and NC, and I didn't really believe this at first!  But is seems to be true.  I don't want to live in constant pain over someone who couldn't really love me or function in an adult , mutual relationship.  I hope these thoughts help you a bit, as we just have to go through this very rough part, knowing that as we heal, the world will look different.

Hi LostInTheDesert and thanks for the response... .I wish all these feelings go away but I know it takes time and it is a process. For how much longer is the big question. I hate myself for feeling so depressed all the time. My children although they may not say it, I know it affects them. I want nothing in this world but to make them happy- but if I am not happy how could I make them happy?
You are right about focus... .not on our exes but to ourselves. All I have done lately is blame myself for everything. So many regrets. I thought I ruined it but I know it is the BPD. Nothing can ever make them happy. I feel so used and abused. Now all I want is to focus on me and my children. It is not too late.

Hi SerendipityChild

I understand the relief you must have felt, also ive been there, it can feel like the energy has just gone, it does come back.

however and whatever you feel you need to talk about youve got support here, it has helped me at a time I felt there wasnt anyone who could relate to the feelings I was going through - what a relief it was to hear from people who had been through such similar experiences, no longer something I had to carry for myself.

This feeling of being exhausted and fatigued - be good to yourself and if you can, as much time for yourself to relax. its great to have stuff to be distracted with as well, work, children, chores - keeping as much of a normal life going forward at the same time try to see if giving yourself some rest-breaks, time to truly lie down and rest as much as you can. It was a bit difficult for me with everything in my mind, but it helped a lot.  

Hi Cromwell... .
Today will be one of the good days to come because I feel like I have just found new friends. It sucks not being able to tell anyone knowing they will not or ever relate.
I will try to take it easy tonight and maybe just watch a movie on Fandango with my daughter.
Tomorrow will be another day and will keep everyone posted.

Hello Cromwell.
I’ve finally got to relax tonight and watched a movie at home with my daughter. Suffice to say this site has been a huge help. It feels good to know that somewhere out there know how I feel and can completely relate. Doesn’t make me feel I’m crazy or there’s something wrong with me. I hope all these, too, shall pass.

I read threads here from time to time, even think about posting one or two myself.  To be honest, I read the title of your thread and I understood how you felt. Some of the users here, give out words of wisdom that you can’t get anywhere else because to experience something is a gift itself. Its a blessing in disguise. You must think i’m crazy for saying this but, sometimes the things that hurt us the most set us free. Theres countless threads on no contact, but no contact itself is different for everyone. I can give you a timeline of my no contact and you would be like, why did you allow yourself to stay attached still. For instance, I would block, then unblock, then id recieve a call and then she would block, and then I realized, sometimes you just have to let go. Its been 2 months last I spoke to her was on my birthday, I felt terrible because I didn’t even say thank you. You see people use the word co dependent, and I feel like thats the wrong term, co dependency is not a pathological trait/disorder.  The correct phrase would be, trying to see the best in everyone. As i’m sure you, yourself did, despite knowing that your significant other had a personality disorder, you tried your best to make things work. You tried your best to go see him. You tried to not think about him. And its you who was doing all the work. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship, and only one person to make you feel so weak. I’m not gonna tell you things like you’re better off without your significant other which although is certainly true. But, I am gonna tell you that once you separate the disorder from the person, you will understand it was never about you. We all make mistakes, for someone that looks at the best in others, we judge ourselves too harshly assuming it was our fault. But, how can you save a burning bridge when the person starting a fire would stop lighting the matches. The first couple of weeks are the worst, I still have times when I think about her, and maybe I’ll even spot her social media and see the same pictures of the new guy almost as if it refreshes like a slideshow, Its as if its suppose to plastered on a billboard. The only difference is, I stopped using it as a stimulus to make me sad or angry, It became my stimulus to never break the no contact rule. I can easily, unblock her and start the cycle again, but a wise person on this forum once told me that you cant fix people, and you certainly can’t blame yourself for things out of your control. But, you can stick to what you believe in and never give up. I wish you the best.

Morning SerendipityChild

Once you get to a more relaxed space, a stable platform - these jumble of feelings that appear to be overwhelming start the process of getting detangled and made sense of. It feels crazy when so much hits us at once, then there are the normal demands of modern day life to deal with, at a time when you feel energy drained.

Try to see this time you are at as stabilising yourself, prioritise rest, lead a normal life, if you get upsetting feelings - dont fear or let them overwhelm you, before I learned to pace myself a bit, actually embrace a newfound 'peace' back into my life and realise I didnt have to try and get an answer to everything right away - it made everything feel less demanding, less energy depriving. Sharing my thoughts here diluted them, took away their negative effects, its shared amongst us as a support network. it helps to not only have others who can relate but who have been through similar but have got through it as you will as well.

Im very glad to hear you feel reassured SerendipityChild, you are absolutely not going through this alone if there are any feelings that crop up, remember you set the pace with them. Yep -they sure might seem overwhelming when they come, delaying them is different from ignoring them - to get deal with in place when you are better prepared and ready to deal with them without them overpowering you. When I was at work and they would arrive, id remember them and share them here later - then got back on with work - and it didnt feel anymore I was dealing with everything at once. In short, its our choice, not the other way around.
 

Hi Struggler123... .and thanks.
Codependency is a complicated word. It has a stigma attached to it and I feel pathetic when I use it to define my relationship with my ex. I did try to see the best in him. In fact it’s all I did and never saw what’s best in me. I have never tried to care so much about any man. I’ve always thought that if I keep showing him showing him that I’d do anything for him he won’t leave. But i was wrong. No matter what I did  for him then were futile when he splits. How could someone be so loving one minute yet hateful the next? I’ve given pretty much everything I possibly could.

Morning Cromwell... .
Agreed... .my feelings get jumbled. And so conflicted. Most days i think of all  the good memories and less of the bad ones. But I’m starting to focus more on the bad, that even if we get back together he will end up leaving again in a heartbeat. The hateful and spiteful words spewing out of his mouth. I could only take so much. And God how much it hurts.

A part of the hurt was how I reacted to it.

Ok, context is important; they usually happened at the most inappropiate of places like driving 70mph on a motorway - can I really feel I did the wrong thing to seemingly ignore them, or risk a full blown rage erupting?

When you have to remember stuff like that, it hurts because it is repeating itself again, what hurt before is re-hurting again. As time has gone by for me ive forgotten these times, they have lost their emotional power.

In my case, the words were a retaliation for something that had triggered her at that moment, nothing more, a perceived sleight, a mistunderstood comment or joke - and it triggers the emotional intensity. I relate to "spewing out the mouth' - her eyes would narrow, her face would contort and the venom would spew - it is unbridled, unhinged... .10 seconds later of my not adding any fuel to the fire - that energy was discharged, the storm had passed - for her.

months onwards, I hadnt shrug it off for what it really was - i took it personally, tried to analyse it, to do so meant needing to replay it each time. It started as a dirt track the more I walked over it became a paved street.

I also dont care if I should have answered her back - would it have made any difference? Perhaps an overturned car.

The memory will be raw for you, but how strong it gets is correlated to how much value you give it today. It can either diminish or it can keep growing. A technique I used was to imagine her not as herself in that moment, but almost a cartoon character with a sqeaky voice using the same words. Is that distorting reality? Probably not as much as giving as much credit to take her umbrage as serious, heartfelt and as personal as I once did.

Hi, SC - I totally understand this feeling, and it's completely to be expected at this stage. It's easy to also feel isolated after such a traumatic event, because we tend to withdraw and avoid others when things are rough. (Or others might avoid us, due to our difficult situations.) The "good" news is that you will find many people here who have been though similar and can totally relate. My ex also hurled harsh words at me, and I learned eventually not to take it personally - because they aren't true. He's acting out because he's damaged, and wanting to make me feel as bad as he does. I feel for him, but I refuse to do that. You don't have to either.

It's good that you are focusing on spending time with your kids and doing fun things with them - that is a great distraction, and an important one! Are there any other fun things you have been doing to stay busy, occupied, and help get your mind off the stress?

Right? The splitting just comes out unexpectedly and out of nowhere. I couldn't even look at any man without him giving me ___ about it. He was jealous of everyone- cashier at a store, landlord, gardener, some of his friends. And what is worst is he accused me of sleeping with them. I just could not win.
I will try your technique and see how that goes. It actually sounds funny just thinking of it.

I was just telling someone in this site about how much financially relieved I am now that he is gone. He has a drug habit which I enabled for years- because I hated seeing him miserable. I thought that was good enough to keep him. He is a veteran in disability so at age 34 therefore he does not need a full time job to get by. Right now I have no idea how or where he lives. It sounds horrible, but I am wishing he's just as miserable or more miserable than I am. He left me with nothing, with so many shattered pieces to pick up. My only motivation to dust myself up and keep standing are my children. Without them I don't know where I could have ended up. Maybe the psych ward. It was that bad.

Hi SerendipityChild

I can relate, for all the strong feelings I had that kept the relationship going - it was only once that step was taken to finally leave that I began to notice things like my sleep suddenly getting better, my anxiety fading away. It was so good to get that energy back which I used to find new things in life, suddenly I felt revived and a feeling of having been kept down for such a long time - without even realising it was happening. I started to get quite angry about it even, I can relate to the injustice feelings you talk about - it doesnt seem fair, when you have tried to be good to someone only to be left in such an upsetting place for it.

I also realised how much it was effecting my step-son, how much he relied on me but the attention had been focused on her needs that were so demanding and energy consuming. I actually felt eventually that I was expending so much of myself and getting next to nothing in return for it. Even simple displays of gratitude became rare to the point of being surprised if they came at all. I couldnt feel I was able to be angry at the time - a lot to do with not being able to express it - these feelings came afterwards, as well as many others - if you find it happening as well just remember that they are part of the road that leads to getting over what has happened.

Im glad you got yourself to a better place now, already realising the benefits. Once your energy comes back it helps make everything else all that more better to deal with.

For the first time since June 1st I don't feel so alone. And I would like to thank you and all the others here who suffer just as much and have shared their current situations.
I feel a little lighter. And guess what? I actually laughed out loud today. Woke up this morning an hour early. The last two months I didn't feel like getting up or doing anything at all. I literally had to drag myself out of bed, to the shower, get dressed, look decent and drive to work.
Am I getting my power back?

I was the same with my kids... .sometimes I get angry about little things. Chores, not cleaning up after themselves, dirty sink... stuff I don't normally fret about. Then I start to feel guilty because I feel like I was taking my anger and frustration out on them. It was not fair at all. They don't know how to make me feel better. They become silent and try to leave me alone and give me space to grieve.
I am taking it one day at a time... .hoping it gets easier.

Hi SerendepityChild

What you say about taking one day at a time I fully agree with you, definately helped me at the start to make everything more manageable.

how have you been feeling today?

I feel okay, I suppose. For some reason he's been on my mind and I am starting to obsess. I guess these thoughts come and go, at very unpredictable moments. I am in the office trying to keep myself busy. Why do I get so obsessive? I am hating myself for it. If I could only have that switch in my brain where I can turn my thoughts off, maybe delete his image. It sucks.

No switch in the brain, but there are things that helped.

eventually they became less and less, then finally they were gone. Either gone, or I got fully in control of them, I get them from time to time but they have literally zero power to them, they are just ever more faded memories - encountered, dealt with - neutralised. Over time as I got on with a new life and kept her out of it - the brain learned that there is no purpose in replaying them, I think the biggest difference from the whole time I spent on this board was the day I made the genuine, non-going back, decisive step that she was out my life for good - consigned to history - and as a result, all these memories became useless. They are reminders of hurt, so as to protect us not to get hurt again - but shes out my life, they arent warnings anymore they are just history archives.

At the time, I can relate, it felt obsessive thinking - but they werent random obsessional thoughts, they were certain very emotional memories, the ones that stood out. They caused me to cycle between reliving great upset to reliving "love" all over again. They got me very angry.sad at one extreme, they got me very enchanted and missing her - doubting myself what id done, and opening the door at those days that I would have gone back to her far easier.

Can you relate - are the thoughts about him seemingly 'random' memories or do they have a big emotional response attached to them? Based on what youve been through theres processing going on, how much is based on how long you were together and what sort of things youve experienced and either not made sense of - yet - or are unresolved emotions that havent yet been fully embraced and expressed fully.

It feels horrible to want them to go away and they dont, it never worked for me, someone once said "what you resist, persists" - its what I said earlier about trying to delay them, distract as much as possible - I wouldnt have been able to work and process that stuff, I had to sideline them until I was in a more appropiate place. I started to share here when they became too much.

Have you tried the technique? Turn the memory into greyscale, drain all the colour out of it as soon as it upsets you, take control, it doesnt have to be that full HD, cinematic that it was, its up to you - it is just a thought - you can alter it to whatever you choose.

The thoughts are random and come out of nowhere. Maybe because we were together for five yeas and lots of memories were made- most were very exciting and fun. Isn't that why we fell in love with them in the first place?
I will try your technique and see how it goes. Thank you so much.

Hi SerendipityChild,

I am coming up on 3 months NC with my BPDex and having very similar feelings. During the first few months after the breakup, I was having extreme anxiety and nightmares every night but both have calmed down considerably. I find I am still having a very difficult time with the betrayal/ assault aspect of my break-up and still wonder how she could have done the things she did to me. Flashbacks and ruminating are still a regular occurrence in my daily life, though both seem to be improving little by little.

I have been doing a lot of reading regarding BPD and how it manifests, so I do realize there is really nothing I could have done to change the outcome of our relationship. However, the pain associated with being devalued and discarded by someone I trusted, is proving a very difficult thing for me to work through. Thank god for family, good friends and therapy!

While I'm not big on posting comments, I just wanted to let you know that that you are not alone. There are a lot of us who are going through the same process of healing after separating from a BPD partner. I know there are better days to come for all of us.

Thank you for your message Wakemeup... .seems we are all on the same boat here. I couldn’t feel any grateful for finding this site. I have nobody to tell my feelings to. I have been internalizing it all and it’s not good for me mentally. At times I don’t feel like moving at all. If not for my children I’d probably just ran away to oblivion. But each day is getting better. Today I was able to enjoy dinner with my two children.
One day at a time, right?

Good morning, SC. Are you currently in therapy? While forums like this are an invaluable resource, talking to someone in realtime who can validate and provide feedback on my situation has been a saving grace for me.

I know how very difficult it is at this time to have any motivation for things outside your comfort zone but when I was physically/mentally able, I forced myself to get out into nature or visit with loved ones. Truthfully, at first, all I wanted to do was run home crying and hide under my blankets but eventually my efforts paid off. While there were way too many weeks I couldn't even get in the car and drive 2 minutes to pick up necessities, now I could go just about anywhere. Often while I'm out these days, I find I am even capable of enjoying myself.

I think as long as we continue to focus on moving forward, through the pain and towards healing, we will find new hope with each passing day. There is a good life waiting for us at the end of all this.

I am about 2 months out from my xgfwBPD breaking up with me. She is undiagnosed, or never told me.

One day she just texted and said "I think we should go our separate ways. I have no time for a relationship right now with my new job and the kids". (She is a widow, hence the new job and kids). OK, I can give her some space and we can still talk.

5 weeks later she blocks me on FB. A friend found out she has a new BF and told me. This was what gutted me.

I have good days and bad days still. I remember the good times we had, and we did have good times with her boys too. But even thinking about that makes me sad so I am trying to even move on from that.

We don't talk anymore. It has been 2 weeks. Today though I did send her a text saying I am sorry for things that were said, that I forgive her for what she did, that I do love her and will be here for her. i am sure this relationship with this guy will not last as she said she knew him a week. She will need stable people in her life besides her mom (well... .her mom is not someone I would call stable either... .) and her dad died when she was 15. Of course she did not reply and probably will not; she probably has my phone blocked anyway.

"He was jealous of everyone- cashier at a store, landlord, gardener, some of his friends. And what is worst is he accused me of sleeping with them. I just could not win."
 Change that to a she and it was the same. She would ask me after interacting with someone like that "Do you want to have sex with her?" Those moments left me scratching my head as I thought it a bit odd. I had no idea of BPD at the time and thought it was a widow thing. (oh ya... .add widow to BPD... .) It is the fear of abandonment kicking in and is why she would say that.

So ya, I know what you are going through. It is hard even at the best of times. Focus on yourself. I went for a drive the other day. Stuff like that helps me. And so does this page, it is a great place. I am amazed at how many people have similar stories. i am learning so much which is great.

She didn't reject me but her BPD did.

Hi Wakemeup.
I haven’t seen anyone in person yet to speak to about what I’m going through. But I’m definitely interested and will check what my insurance can cover. I live in LA and I’m pretty sure there are hundreds of therapists around here.
I relate to your situation- the crying under the blankets and wanting
to just disappear were awful. Took a lot of effort just getting out of bed in the mornings.
But I’m slowly getting better and my children are my main motivation to keep going. I’m starting to make time for my family and do stuff with them. A good distraction I suppose.
So yes, I’ll make a list of goals and stick to it before the year ends. I want to be a new “me” in 2019. Baggage free and confident. It will take a lot of work but I know I’ll get there.

Hi, SC!

Yes, you will totally get there, even thought right now, it's a very tough struggle right now. But you have your kids and they are a great motivation to stay strong and emerge on the other side. Every day, you are getting closer and closer to that goal. Some days will be better than others (as you have already experienced) but I'm told with time, it does get easier. I hope so, because I'm kind of at the same stage you are right now. 

Like you, I have days where the depression is crushing. Other days, I feel almost ok... .maybe a little hopeful. Then I can feel horribly low again the next day. My emotions are all over the map, and I never really know what I am going to feel from one day to the next. I imagine that will level off eventually. I sure hope so!

This board is great in the sense that there are so many others here who know your struggle and can relate. Trying to explain to someone who has not had experience with BPD - they really can't fathom how devastating these relationships are. But everyone here gets it, and can lend support. :-)

Hopefully you will be able to work out the situation with finding a good therapist as well. We "nons" typically end up rather traumatized during these relationships and after the break-ups, far more than with "normal" relationships and break-ups which are usually way more civil. It helps a lot to have someone to talk to. :-)

Hello BasementDweller.
It’s like having a PTSD except there’s really no term for us nonBPDs. You’re right about the trauma. The fact that there’s no real closure makes it worse. I feel blessed for discovering this site and having someone to talk to. Many people would easily think we’re stupid for putting up with our exes and blame us and tell us we did this to ourselves. But are we really stupid or just genuinely loving and caring? Once I get through this pain I’ll come out stronger than I’ve ever been. I bet my life on it.

You are already stronger, by the very act of deciding to leave in the midst of having those strong complex emotions of reward and punishment playing a game of pull and push - this has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do - forget what others think, the important thing is start being selfish for a change, im talking 100% focus on getting yourself towards a place in life that is not only healthier but more fulfilled.

these old memories of past experience are merely reminders to keep us safe in future from the same thing happening. have a nice day SC

Hi, SC -

Yes, this is a huge reason why it hurts so bad. No "normal" resolution. No time to peacefully grow apart into something more platonic before ending it. No "good reason" for any of it. None of us here are stupid. We wanted the same thing as anyone else. To enter into a relationship with the intention of making it work and being a good, loving, and supportive partner. And having the same in return. We assumed that our partners, who were so "into us" at first wanted the same and that we would help each other out and "stay by each others' side in solidarity through the toughest of times" <-- My BPD ex's exact words in the beginning, ironically.

But they don't... .and they can't. They don't have the emotional maturity or coping skills to be at all accountable for their half of the relationship. To be equally supportive and proactive. Be we weren't stupid for not fully understanding this. You just don't know. I didn't understand BPD from an up close and personal perspective. I had to learn the hard way. I'd say I'm a bit smarter now, going forward. But I, nor you, nor any of us who tried our best were ever stupid. Just kind, compassionate people who love normally, but we fell in love with a not so normal person who can't love back the same way. They didn't ask for it, and neither did we. 

Morning Cromwell and thank you. And yes, one of the worst things in my life then was knowing I couldn’t be with him anymore. It’s time to be selfish, or to love thyself. They say you cannot truly love someone unless you love yourself first. But with a BPD partner, they are like children. You do anything for them and think of them first. This time I am thinking if my own children- they have been through a lot when I was with my ex. They’ve seen and heard all the devaluation,  pushes and pulls and my heartache. I’m glad to say now that he’s gone my focus is on them and we’ve become closer than ever before.
Still using your technique by the way, cartoonizing him in my thoughts. Kinda makes me laugh but it works. And the pain gets lesser.

I agree with you BasementDweller... .they are indeed immature emotionally. It’s like yet having another kid in the house. Very high maintenance and you walk on eggshells. But I have to admit those dramas somewhat made me feel alive inside. And that’s another story. I feel like each time I resolved an issue with him was a challenge to be won. Then rinse and repeat. A thousand times.
With him gone i do feel emotionally tough- like no one can ever screw with me. I’ve noticed it at work. I don’t let anyone belittle or crtiticize me without fighting back. I guess I’m starting to see the benefits, I could say that.

I think this is why many people end up feeling as if they have an addiction to the pwBPD. The highs and lows make you crave the highs so much more. I used to get frustrated because I actually really craved stability and I did not want to bicker with my partner or have any drama. Every single day, I'd wake up and say to myself, "Today will be a good day. No bickering. No BPD drama. Just be happy, do your thing, he can't possibly find anything to disrupt about." Aaaaaaaand... .oh yes he would. If everything was totally peachy, sun shining, beautiful weekend, BBQ fired up, love in the air, he'd make a hateful cutting remark about something I supposedly said to him two years prior that he found deeply insulting and start reacting as though the threat were real, immediate, and life-threatening and needed to be addressed RIGHT NOW. The less there was to fuss about, the harder he tried to sabotage it all by making something up. To him, I'm sure it was real in his head. He believed I called him stupid two years prior. I didn't, but he convinced himself that I did - whenever he wanted to stir the pot.

In the end, the last two months of my living there, he was totally dyregulated, hostile, psychotic, and aggressive. Everyday, still, until the day I had to walk out for my own safety and sanity, I would come home from work genuinely excited to see him, still loving him, hoping he had returned to some kind of baseline. He never did. I only ever wanted a normal, calm life. I had to leave to find it, and it may be calm now, but it's empty as hell without him. I never stopped loving him. I never hated him for what went wrong inside his head. I just felt (feel) sad that this often beautiful person with so many good qualities was so utterly warped by this horrible disorder that he drove away a person like me. A valuable, caring, kind, patient, stable person who was good to his children, and faithful to a fault to him. I was what he always wanted. But he didn't have the emotional stability to make any success of it.


Way to go! You deserve respect! Yup, same here. I have emerged from this with a thicker skin in a lot of ways. Another added bonus is if I meet a man and he appears interested in me and shows even the merest hint of emotional inappropriateness... .like he's way too love-bomby or way too aggressive early on... .I am 100% out of there. Showing excessive emotion in any direction when we have only just met... .nope. My BPD ex did this and I mistook it for a passionate European man in love. I thought it was cultural. No. It was BPD. There are plenty of men of his culture and ethnicity in this country that are not "over the top intense" right out of the starting gate. Most of them actually. I have a much lower tolerance for anybody who behaves over-reactively to me now - in any situation.

After you get better at it, the next stage is mute all the sound from the image, then maybe adjust his lips to look like exaggerated goldfish, let him spew those harmful words - but you choose how he presents himself. Be creative, its your image, turn it from colour to greyscale. Slow it down, speed it up so their abuse sounds like a chipmunk on fast forward.

At the end of the show I freeze the frame, fold it in half, then keep folding it in half until it is the size of a stamp. then mentally throw it in the bin.

It takes time, but eventually I do it almost automatically - its rare that they even come back eventually, the hurt has been neutralised.

Same here... .he became so paranoid I had to tell him straight that he needed to see a psychiatrist. But he'd fight me on it every time- saying therapy hasn't and won't cure him. He always questions why I continued to stick with him, that I deserve someone better, etc. The more he tells me those things the more loving and attentive towards his needs I became. But it only made him bored, I think. He loves having drama everyday. If the day went without any issues he would say tomorrow is going to be just the opposite. There was no silver lining nor happy ending. I have never experienced such negativity with anyone, everyday.

Thanks Cromwell... it does help. The mind is a very powerful thing. I just need to keep practicing until I get better at it. Before I would obsess about all the good memories with him and how I miss him terribly. Now I think of the devaluations and start cartoonizing him=)

This reminds me of a friend whose mother told her that if she met someone and sweeps her off her feet, she must run from him as fast she can. Isn't this exactly the case with our exBPDs? The highs we experienced during the first few months. As simple as doing the laundry with them was exciting. And the sex was truly fantastic. If I have only learned about the red flags then I would have saved myself from pain and heartache.