BPDFamily.com

This has been brewing for some time.

I am the sole earner in the family - have been juggling with various debts over the years. Mostly caused by unwise spending over a 5 year period. The debts are the fallout from those years. I only have 2 years left to clear them but have now run into a brick wall. I've kept this from her - negotiated with my creditors and reached an agreement with one. But I have defaulted on another debt - started negotiating - but she found out and is now insisting I pay off all the debt after my creditor already agreed with me I have 0 funds available for this.

Now she's in charge and starting to insist on the impossible. Her view is - I'm the man of the household so need to earn enough money to cover all liabilities.

What should I say to her?

NB - I am an online trader.

Ok... .finance stuff and BPD... .lovely.  Hang in there.  It appears to me you have tried to be proactive and had some positive results.

I can't imagine it makes sense to pay full when there is a settlement in place.  "proving" to the other creditor that you have settled one... .might help them figure out they would rather have something... rather than nothing.

OK... .on to BPD.  I was sole breadwinner in my house for years.  Wife went nuts a few years back and several instances of "financial infidelity" (taking joint money and making it her own) led to me putting in place strict boundaries.  My financial life is now "private" (vice hidden) from her and things are a lot calmer.

She also has a full time job now and controls her own financial life.  I provide majority support for family.

Anyway... .at first blush... .your efforts brought in the money... your efforts created the debts and your efforts created a settlement. 

I can understand that she would "want" to control you and might be disappointed (as I'm sure you are), yet I can't imagine any benefit to your relationship coming from letting her start controlling your actions, when she is not willing to contribute.

If she had said she would get a job and help you pay it off, I would likely give different advice. 

Note:  I've paid debts in full, I've done settlements and have a few more to go.  I still have a "side job" as a real estate investor and felt the full effects of banks changing the rules midstream... .turning financial pressure into catastrophe. 

Now... to your direct question.  What do I say to her?

Can you give us some "word for word" on what she is saying?  That will help me craft a response.

FF

Well - you borrowed what isnt yours - you must pay it back.

I said to her I intend to pay it all back - but need to reach settlements with my creditors as my income level is not high enough to pay back at current rates. We will have to starve effectively to pay.

But more seriously - our son is going into a field where he might work in sensitive technological industry and she believes that my financial history will somehow have a negative influence on this. I disagree.

Good... you understand each other.  And from a boundaries point of view, she will live out her beliefs and you will live out yours.

I'm hoping there is not a hope on her part or a fear on your part that you are trying to control each other and impose your own beliefs on the other?

Since you guys are at loggerheads, what compromise has she proposed?

FF

Well we took 1 step forward today as she accepted I would not be able to make a loan payment she had previously been setting a deadline for. I am going to pay it next week (I only have 2 payments left on this loan so might as well clear it). But next week I have a big payment due on Wednesday - not sure if I will have enough money or not. I have a back up bank account ready if I need it.