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I dreamed I saw him. I said, "You and I have some things to talk about."

He grudgingly agreed to hear me out, and suddenly I felt that this was it, the last time I would talk to him, and I wanted to take it back or put it off--save up that last time.

But it was too late to turn back. So I had to think quickly: what was the most important thing? I told him that I'd come apart when it ended, and that I'd had to put myself back together, but all the parts were broken. I'd had to make new parts. He'd slipped away again, though, before I finished speaking.

I wondered whether to post this in detaching or learning, and I decided learning. I think the dream shows I'm still attached, but it also acknowledges some things I've learned:

1. Getting out of that hole where I was three years ago was not a matter of getting back on my feet; I had to do so much work than that. I had to summon some resources I had never used before.

2. I understand on a deep enough level to dream it that there is no catharsis to had with him.

Steelwork,
I had very similar dreams about my dBPDxh this spring, as we were waiting for the clock to tick down before we could file for divorce.  I had similar thoughts about it showing that I was frustrated by my need to gain closure, knowing that he would not be the one to provide it. 

If you were able to dream that dream again and guide the dream, where would you guide it?  Would you want the assurance that it would not be the last communication, or do you think you could accept the finality if you could have your say?

BG

That's a great question, but I don't know how to answer it.

For the purposes of a dream--not what I would have preferred in the dream, but what I would prefer to have dreamed--I think I would want to have my say, and have him listen to it and acknowledge what I said.

I think.

That is: it would not be cathartic to dream that I had seen him and would be seeing him again later.

Hi, steelwork!

It sounds like this was a powerful dream.  What was the emotional content like?  (How did you feel?)

Well, there were a lot of other parts to the dream. The bulk of it was about the woman whom he had begun seeing when he dumped me--and who he's still with, as far as I know.

Have you seen Stanley Kubrick's film version of Lolita? When I woke from the dream, I immediately thought of a scene from that. (The woman he's with now is a lot younger than both of us.) The scene  I thought of is from the end of the movie, years after Lolita has run away. It's, like, an epilogue. Humbert Humbert gets a letter from Lolita and goes to see her, and of course she's no longer a girl, and he learns that she didn't stay with Clare Quilty, his rival. Lolita's now the young pregnant wife of a soldier. She's in curlers when she answers the door, and carrying a basket of laundry. She has no hard feelings, even seems happy to see Humbert, but he is disappointed to learn that she's only written to him because she wants money. All the charge of the movie/book evaporates--Humbert's sexual jealousy and paranoia, the frisson from his bizarre and disturbing attraction to his stepdaughter, everything. What's left is ordinariness.

I don't know. It felt like that: like, now that the whole sordid mess was behind me, I saw him and his new girlfriend as very ordinary people who were living a life that had nothing to do with me. And I guess that made me a little sad.

Of course, in the way of dreams, I don't know who's who. Is my ex's current girlfriend Lolita, or is it him? Has his gf, in the dream, transformed from Clare Quilty, the crafty rival, to an agreeable, uncomplicated young soldier struggling to support his family? Am I Humbert Humbert? Weird.

Anyhow, I guess none of that about Lolita is very interesting.

How did I feel in the dream? I felt a lot of curiosity about their lives. Surprised by how friendly she was. And I wanted to have a meaningful conversation with him, which left me frustrated and disappointed. There was a vague sense of longing. Maybe I wanted to be living that life instead of my own, but I knew that wasn't possible.

All you've written sounds relevant.  (FWIW, I've got a few Jungian friends/acquaintances who've told me interesting things about dreams . . . one has shared that some are rich enough to return to over and over and still find new insights.)  You've got a lot to go on here.  Keep asking and answering your own questions.  What is Lolita - the movie - to you? 


I can relate with this.  How do you feel about returning to the dream in a few days and see what you think/feel?  Sometimes, for me, dream content becomes clear after a few days go by.  Most dreams just pass on by, but when I have one with strong emotional content I write it down and read it later.  Sometimes there is a big "aha" and other times they remain opaque.