BPDFamily.com

Hello!  I'm new here.  My therapist has said that while she cannot diagnose my mother, she suggested that read the book 'The Essential Family Guide to BPD' because she exhibits many of the traits of someone with the disorder.  After today's latest explosive episode with my mother, which my children overheard my end of on the phone, I am seeking advice about how to explain fractured relationships with your parents to your children (their grandchildren).  My daughters are ages 8 and 9.  They're old enough to know that something is wrong so I want to be truthful without submerging them too far into the psychological issues here.  I'm grateful for your advice.

It is important to let your daughters know that their grandmother's bad behaviors have nothing to do with them and they are not at fault. Children often think that they have done something wrong when someone acts badly, especially an adult.

Hi LittleDipper :hi:

What would you say are the main BPD traits you have identified in your mother?

Dealing with a BPD mother can be quite challenging indeed, I am glad you have a therapist to help you with this.

What was this latest explosive episode with your mother about?

I like what zachira says about letting your children know that is has nothing to do with them. How would you describe the relationship your mother has with your children? How does your mother generally treat them?

Welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

Welcome LittleDipper,  :hi:

I want to join Kwamina and Zachira in saying how glad I am that you've joined us. 

It definitely IS unsettling and overwhelming when you first discover that your parent may be BPD. As my children were growing up, I tried my best to let my uBPDm be who she was without defending or explaining her to them, but for the most part she didn't split in front of them. When she did, they knew something was wrong. In the end they figured it out for themselves without me telling them, but they were much older than your children. I definitely agree with Zachira that the kids need to know it has nothing to do with them.

What do you think you'll say to them? My non confrontational side might chose to say that grandma was having a bad day and leave it at that. Have your children been asking about what happened? Might you start by asking them if they had any questions about what they overheard? How did they think grandma sound to them? Etc.

Looking forward to hearing more from you in the days to come!

 
Wools

Hello LittleDipper  :hi:


Welcome !

I am sorry to hear that the relationship with your mum is strained. I can relate, my mum is BPD / dad NPD. I also have a 9 year old daughter.

I am separated from the dad of my child. I don't know which 'label' to stick on him, and maybe labels don't always matter. But his behavior is sometimes odd. Needless to say, the behavior from my parents also is (or was, since we are NC now).

My initial approach was to make up excuses for odd behavior. Especially when it was about my child's dad - I didn't want  to talk badly about him. But now I so much agree with Zachira's viewpoint. Especially since I'm a child of BPD/NPD myself, I know that children tend to take the blame for the behavior of people close to them. So I told my child that yes, sometimes behavior of grandparents and dad is strange and no, it has nothing to do with you. I was at loss at how to explain it, because sometimes she felt hurt by things her dad did. So I told her, well, your dad loves you very much, but something in his brain makes that he sometimes reacts differently then most people. That may have sounded harsh, and it shocked her at first. But I think it also very quickly made her see that well, this is the situation, and we deal with it. No point beating around the bush for me. I also told her that we all have our things in live, and everyone has issues, not only dad. And that the most important thing is that he loved her. (Mind you I didn't tell her this last thing about her grandparents, since I am not sure they love her. No need to make up stories)

Since than I have the impression that she has been feeling better. She realizes that it's not her and secondly, that she cannot change the situation.

I also teach her boundaries, we sometimes roleplay on how she can react when dad says or does something that is a bit strange.  She needs to feel that she can protect herself when I am not around.

I don't know if this makes sense to you ?

*welcome* LittleDipper, I’m so glad you found us but sorry for what brought you here. It’s painful having a parent with BPD behaviors whether or not they’re diagnosed. And it’s even more difficult to talk about it with most normal people who have never experienced that kind of behavior. So, the good news is you’ve come to the right place for support! We really do understand.

How long has your mother been displaying these behaviors? How often have your children witnessed this sort of thing? Does your mother ever direct the behaviors toward your children?

In addition to echoing Fie, zachira, Kwamina, and Wools,  I think it’s important to first identify to your kids that your mother’s behavior (that they heard) is not ok. The basics that every person is worthy of common decency and respectful treatment even when (especially when) there are disagreements. It’s extremely important for them to see you model healthy boundaries because they are going to need them as they grow up. It might be good to let them know that everyone needs to feel safe, so you’re all taking a little break (time out) from grandma so you (the responsible adults) can work out some healthy solutions because you love your family very much. Something like that?

How are things going today?

   L2T