BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Disattachment is a great thing. I've been feeling stronger and more myself. Thanks for all the past support!

A few months ago UxBPDw requested custody schedule adjustments for a change in her work schedule, which I resolved by taking D15 at my house on days UxBPDw was unavailable. I recently took D16 for a few more days while UxBPDw had appendicitis and was recovering. Now I'm hearing from D16 that UxBPDw is organizing yoga retreats overseas (groan). We have 50/50 custody but without specific schedule language in our settlement. We created a 2/2/5/5 schedule that has been working so far. I am happy to have D16 with me whenever I can as UxBPDw lives in a state of chaos and in a dump, and I think it's more stable to be with me in her own room and the company of the family dogs. Question: should I reduce my child support payments to UxBPDw for each extra day that I have D16? Our settlement defined child support as a flat fee per month.

Input welcomed & thanks!
--
RP

Unless you two agree to modify your agreement then it is unlikely court will look favorably on you unilaterally paying less.  Don't let the court cast you as one of "those dads" why try to weasel out of paying as much.  Sorry, but the messed up dads have given fatherhood a black eye.

Perhaps, for now, you need to let your ex create the new 'normal' where you are regularly getting additional time.  (Messed up mothers too like to cast themselves as MOTY - Mother of the Year - while getting support.  And some, apparently your ex, also drift away from parenting.)  Document the additional time you get for several months.  Unless you have an ex who is disinterested in parenting she will oppose your claims of regularly getting additional time.  Probably consult a lawyer on the best ways to approach making a change.

How long have you been in the 50/50 schedule?  Courts usually want parents to wait at least a year before seeking significant changes.

In my county (or state) I had to file Change of Circumstances for major changes to legal custody.  When I got custody but equal time continued, I was paying child support.  Evidently when time is equal they look at income differences.  Then when I went back to court for majority time and got it, though just during the school year, child support ended.  The magistrate refused to order ex to pay me child support, claiming some income data was lacking and I'd have to file again if I wanted support.  (Hmm, income data was never such an obstacle when I was the one paying... .)

When it comes to child support, stick to the order as close as humanly possible.

Like ForeverDad said, I wouldn't make changes unless you apply legally to make them.

If you haven't already, it might be worth checking your state's child support calculator or asking an L if it's worth it. In my state, child support does not always modify according to number of days. Sometimes there are other factors, or there may be a percentage that the change must fall within in order for courts to consider the modification. Some of the rules seem designed to keep people out of courts making changes and backing up the system. You might have to prove the change in number of days is enduring, for example (e.g. likely to last longer than 6, 9, 12 months).

Also, if you like the extra day and it's better for D16 and you can swing it financially, choosing to let it slide might be priceless.

Pennsylvania now looks at child support every two years whether someone files or not for a modification. Every state is different and you need to find out how your state works.

Thanks for the feedback. Our judgment/settlement is short on specifics re: custody schedule, right of first refusal & vacation time. I wanted to verify that I wasn't getting rolled by paying child support while also picking up custody days. I'm content to leave it as is. I agree that it is priceless to get more time with D16. I would have her with me 24/7 if possible.

D16 has been trained by UxBPDw to affirm that she wants equal time with both her parents, even while UxBPDw is not making D16 a priority. D16 has already quickly agreed to stay with me when UxBPDw is otherwise occupied. Wonder what will happen if UxBPDw does indeed start leaving the country for these yoga retreats. Remains to be seen.