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Difficult time with saying No to sick parent
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Hi All,
I have never posted on this thread because I hav always used the Bettering Relationship thread for help with uBPDH.
My uBPDH is really trying hard to make progress and manage his high functioning BPD.
His parents & divorced sister who live in another country are wrapped in this BPD mess. We send them money every month to supplement their monthly expenses as they’re retired. They do get pension but they always have an expectation that we should send them money to support them during their old age. We’re from an eastern culture that kinda goes in line with this thought so whether we love it or not, we have been sending them money every month for the last few years. We also send the equal amount to my parents. My in-laws have always been entitled and never grateful. We work hard to earn the moneybsonthere have been times it has felt unfair but we do it in the name of duty. That money we send is played with in stocks and what not- they never give us a clear picture of what they have for us to gauge what their needs are. They’ve been the kind to always draw a grim picture to show they’re needy so the cash keeps coming.
Now FIL had an heart attack and they asked for a hige sum of money. We can  afford to send them the amount they asked but we also have to think of us and our young daughter so we decided to send half the amount they asked for. When they asked for that huge sum, they said they lost money last year in some stocks. This has always been their reason to ask money in addition to being old. They have never been there for us and never made us feel welcome if we ever visited them.  So it’s really difficult to rise above and be a better human but we do it everytime.
So this time, we sent half the amount they asked and spent for heart surgery. They never ask us how our monetary situation is when they ask for money. We don’t want them to think we’re going to supply hard earned money as & when they need. It’s like enabling them to blow money on stocks. My sil is divorced and 47. She quits her job and stays home. She was making her ends meet with the alimony she got and has blown it off in stocks to double & triple the money. So for me giving them money is like giving money to buy drugs and it drives me crazy.
But the situation was heart surgery so we agreed to send them half the amount as a token of our support.
They called hubby and were abusing him on the phone like they always do. They said from now on, whatever you send every monrh- please double it up and if you have the means to raise a dog then you should have the means to send us money.
It was so hurtful and I told uBPDH that he should not feel guilty because he has been a good son who has always been there for his parents. H said he had to forcibly hang up the phone as he couldn’t listen to he abuse anymore and said he wants No Contact with his parents anymore.
His has happened in the past and then they have been in contact coz they’re after Ll related by blood.
I want to be there for H as he is recognizing how his old ways don’t work for him and is changing it by taking medication and what not. At the same time, I’m really worried about a dysregulation that might happen in our house triggered by in-laws.
How to best handle this situation?

Hi waitingwife,

Sorry to hear this story! It must be so frustrating to send money to people and have them be more and more demanding. My SO sends money every month, on his own initiative, to his elderly mother, but we think she doesn't even spend it. We think she is saving it to give back to him someday, but we hope she is spending it because her pension is small. I have a lot of respect for my SO for doing this for her though because she is single and could use the support, if she wanted it. She is a very sweet woman.

Well, you don't have any control over whether your husband dysregulates or not, but you can offer him support. If he wants to go NC with his relatives that is his choice, although that is certainly painful. It's hard because it sounds painful either way for him, talking to them or not. It must also be hard because this is a cultural expectation, but one that has been stretched too far and had extra guilt thrown in.

I think simply being positive and understanding him regarding his decision is about all you can do. If he gets upset at you, related to this, just know that he is not really mad at you, he's mad at them. Do you think he will direct his upset at you since he may not want to do so with them?

wishing you peace, pearl.

He could direct his upset at me but at the same time we have both very hard in the last 2 years to change the old patterns that don’t serve us anymore.
However, sometimes my mind drifts away into the past where I have picked the other end of the drama rope and go engaged & hurt from such situations.
From all my therapy, I’m trying hard to see this as a situation rather than a problem so that I can gather all the courage to accept what I cannot change.
I feel really sad for H as it’s his parents who say all nasty things to him and he’s truly tried hard to change by taking his medication, meditating and some therapy last year which he quit. I have accepted now that talking(cbt) is not the kind of thing that benefits H so he was courageous enough to accept that and take Zoloft instead. His doctor is weaning him off the Zoloft slowly coz it’s been 1 yr.
We have a very indulgent vacation coming up on sunday for a week. I guess I am worrying about this getting carried over into our vacation all though we both talked about how we should focus on our vacation and not dwell on this. It’s not easy

Hi.  We haven't met before as I usually post on the Parent, Sibling and In-Law board.  Your post caught my eye as we have several posters who are dealing with demanding in-laws or working within the confines of cultural expectations and norms that govern a lot of the relationship.  On top of that, trying to break a lifetime of behaviors that developed in your husband is another very difficult layer to try to work through.

Generally what we recommend is setting boundaries.  In this case, your husband would be using them to help his relationship with his parents.  You have already done this by sending half the money, your husband ending the conversation, discussing your plans with each other before acting on them with your in-laws, so that is fantastic.  The part that has to happen along with all that is your husband learning that it is okay to say no, to set limits with them and to learn that he can have his own emotions separate from theirs.  those of us who were raised by BPD parents or have difficult parents are often still enmeshed as adults and feel crushing guilt when saying no to a parent.  It is hard to break this but it can be done.

One way to do this is through therapy.  I know you said your husband did not want therapy for himself but maybe if he went to help him set boundaries with his parents it might be more appealing?   It is great that you want to support him and I think you are doing a good job here, but these feelings and behaviors are so deep that often professional help is needed and it makes things easier to manage.   What do you think?

Thanks Harri and I fully agree about therapy. I’m the kind of person who had benefited TREMENDOUSLY from therapy. I realized only from therapy that I struggled to set boundaries. It took me a few years of therapy to understand & put setting boundaries into practice.
With H, we have butted heads about him seeking therapy. I strongly feel it’ll be good for him but he doesn’t. So it’s one of those things where my T has helped me recognize that I can offer support and guide him in that direction but a big part of my therapy has also been accepting him for what he wishes by setting my boundaries so that I don’t enmesh like I use to. There was a time I’d feel passive aggressive when he’d dysregulate and not seek therapy or meds. But last year he went to a therapist and in a few sessions, the therapist & he decided to start the zoloft. So with the help of my T, I learnt to side step and only do my part in this dynamic of being a support to help H in his journey.
I started therapy about 5 years ago when the need for therapy came from inside me. I feel if somebody would have asked me seek T before that, I wouldn’t benefit as much as I did when the need came from within me.
H just wants to weather this storm and says he’s done with his parents and they’re non-existent for him. I validated him and said he’s a good son to send them such a huge amount overnight and he did it because he cares for their health. I told him he should not let them dictate how he feels and that we’re adults in our 40s. It’s going to be a difficult few years with ageing BPD parents but we must practice tough love.
Thanks for talking thisnout with me.

Waitingwife,
I agree with Harri that it sounds like you have done a great job setting boundaries.  I would imagine that BPDh learned some of those skills from watching and listening to you as you've made your journey.

Do you think that BPDh might consider holding off on getting off the Zoloft while he deals with this unusually stressful situation with his parents?  I can see how tapering off might make things more difficult to deal with and increase the chance of dysregulation.

BG

H is taking half the Zoloft as of now for the next few weeks. I thought of the same that maybe he should hold off on tapering the zoloft. We’ll have to have that conversation but as of now if I initiate this conversation, I know he’ll think I’m pointing a finger at him inspite of him working so hard.
He has no dysregulated and I’m trying to keep our family busy & engaged with things to do. So I’ll have that conversation with H if/when the time is right.
I definitely think me struggling with boundaries did not help our relational dynamic and now that I hold onto my boundaries strongly, we’re in much better shape.
Boundaries seem like such a small thing but it truly is the predictor of healthy relationships. Earlier in such a situation, I use to be overcome with anxiety and instead of being a support, I feel like I use to add to the drama. Our boundaries keep us safe from any kind of emotional storm and I’m so grateful for my therapist to show me that path

Waitingwife,
I can definitely see how suggesting a pause on the Zoloft taper could come across as a judgement of him.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that this situation doesn't trigger a dysregulation.  That would be pretty huge sign of progress.   

Is he still talking about going NC with his family?  Have you been able to talk about what that would look like?
BG