BPDFamily.com

 :hi:

We broke our rule at the weekend and lent son27 some money to replace his unfixable car with a half decent one.  He tried to get it on finance but he got refused because of very old debts when he was 20.  With a full-time job he needs a vehicle - I considered lending him mine or yet again allowing him to buy a claptrap (that would be his third in a row and they just aren't safe).  See how I manipulate my thinking to justify my own actions to help him when he should really be suffering the consequences?

However, this time we both feel he is ready.  10 months of paying his bills and living independently, with the last 8 without financial problems.  We have little doubt he'll pay us back, realistically understanding that there may be some times when, shall we say, he's off-balance.

He was really excited on Saturday and we checked numerous times that he understood the repayment arrangement.  He knows confidently that he can afford to pay us back given his current wages.

I called him up yesterday as I had a feeling that he wasn't OK - perhaps he was worried about the car payments.  This is what he said:

"I'm not OK, I'm really down.  Since I've really reduced smoking weed I've noticed I get a really happy two weeks then they're followed by two weeks that just aren't OK.  It takes all my effort to just concentrate on what I have to do each day with work and eating."

I wanted to share this with you.  When son27 is not stable it takes him much longer than me to get himself back together.  I don't know if it was the car.  It could easily be a relationship problem that I don't know about.  He, of course, can see his pattern and this is amazing.  I suggested he writes down each day to see if he can identify a trigger.

My son27 (nearly 28) has really matured in the last 4 years, we have a better relationship, he is relatively stable and trying hard to take better care of himself. 

I know that at 15, 17, 20 or even 24 his BPD behaviours, also altered by so many drugs as he tried to make himself feel better, were so chaotic - he was NOT functioning despite on the outside looking like he could.  He was dx at 24.  I know that rollercoaster ride that so many of us talk about.

Of course, my REACTIONS to his behaviours only made things worse.  And yes, they were constant as I judged.

Please take a look at the tools, get back to basics to learn how to communicate which really means LISTEN.  Appreciate, when they are behaving strangely, they can't help it - judgment makes it worse.  Good interaction helps.

I get that I broke my money rule - let's see how it pans out.  We are in a place now that we feel he needs a lift up.  When he owns the car which won't take him that long, he'll feel the financial benefit and, you never know, may just decide to get himself his own flat.  If he doesn't keep to the agreement we have our boundary set and he understands it.

LP

Hi there Lollypop!

It is always interesting to read one of your posts and this latest one does not disappoint.

Looking back in your history and then mine shows that we came on board here within months of each other.  In reading those first posts of ours it isn't hard to see that we are much different people now in regards to how we are handling and living with our "challenging" children.

You write... .."My son27 (nearly 28) has really matured in the last 4 years."   I wager a guess that a lot of his maturing came about because of the work you put into changing... .YOU.  Isn't that one of the messages that we try to send to the Newbies who come on board?  The only person you can change is... .YOU... .pretty well forcing the others around you to re-adjust the roles they are playing in the relationship you share.

You also write... ."We broke our (money) rule... ."   Gotta say, I think that rule was written for the person your son was... .then.   He is working on bettering himself now... .and making good progress.  Your decision to get him into a reliable vehicle so that he can keep going forward on this more positive journey is, to me, a no-brainer.  At this point he doesn't need to feel the consequence of losing a job.  He does need to feel that you recognize the effort he is putting into having better tomorrows. 

How wonderful that he is putting his feelings into words for you to hear!   Brings tears to my eyes.

So, from one Mom to another, onward and upward!  We've proven to ourselves that, despite all, life goes on... .and it can be good.

((HUGS) to you, Lollypop.  Keep sharing!

Huat   ; )

Hi Lollypop

Hey, I always thought rules were made to be broken 

Anyway, I don’t see that you manipulated your thinking to justify your own actions to help your son when he should really be suffering the consequences. I see that you used wise mind to work out that your son needed a car in order to carry on working and he also needed a safe, reliable car. You knew that without your help neither of those things would be possible. In my book you made a wise decision, and you have made sure that your son understands the boundary that you have set should he not keep to the agreement. Do you think that your son is aware of the level of trust that you have put in him that he will stick to the agreement?

It’s really great that your son felt able to confide in you that he wasn’t ok and he was able to tell you why. Self awareness.

You must be really proud of him, with your hard work and help and support he has come a long way x 

Thanks for replying friends


Exactly and so beautifully put Huat.


Oh yes FB. Once his application for finance failed he stayed quiet while my H worked how we could get the money together. It took a while and it was made clear that we don’t have that kind of money floating around anymore. Remembering I haven’t worked for over 4 years now. H had set aside for his own car payment due next year. Son knows he HAS to pay us back.

I’m going away this weekend and have a busy couple of weeks ahead - doing nice things!

Learning to take better care of myself has required a lot of effort over the last 6 months.  I’ve lost weight and feeling more like my old self. but still work in progress as I’d like to incorporate some sort of keep fit class, maybe yoga but it’d have to be a class for rotund beginners that can’t balance on one leg!

Younger son is back soon from an amazing 3 week adventure. I expect him to be a bit more balanced himself. He doesn’t want to come home and has made “amazing new friends”.  I’m relieved he agreed to step out of his tiny bubble, it was a bit of a dark lonely place he was in.

Thank you both... .I always come away with something from you both.

Next time son27 refers to the past I’m going to politely remind him that he’s a different person now. 

Have a great day

LP

Good for you Lollypop, I hope you enjoy doing all those nice things you have planned.


Oh, the dreaded self care! Why is it so difficult to go against the grain and put ourselves first for once? This is something I struggle with too, it’s like waves, coming and going all the time. I just wish I could keep it constant for a while. You have done remarkably well Lollypop to maintain the effort that you have put in for six months. You have lost weight and feel more like your old self. What an achievement! H and I are trying to support each other to lose weight, we are terrible, when one of us caves in the other does too! Oh well, I have lost about 9lb which is something, even that is baby steps  .  I won’t tell you how much more needs to go.

If you are still looking for a keep fit class I can wholeheartedly recommend a Health Qigong class, it is in some ways similar to yoga, gentle stretching and breathing exercises. I love it x

Hi Lollypop

Thanks for sharing

Very encouraging to see your son observe himself and talk to you about it.

I agree with Feeling Better that your boundaries can be revised as you build trust and confidence; that's the aim 

In terms of how your son has been at different ages, I can totally relate, in particular the stressors and triggers in their life change as does their learning of the world around them.  For me, my daughter seems to have gotten worse over the past few years and at the moment there is no breaking through.

I take heart that your son is improving.  In reading "I hate you, don't leave me", I also read that BPD can improve with age, no doubt the more stability and nurturing the environment, the better the outcome.  It sounds like there have been healthy doses of this for your son over the past months.

Merlot