BPDFamily.com

Hi family

Have been dancing around issues.

Finally called my s.o., separated, asked, are you wanting me to put on hold, the decision of moving stuff in to storage?

Out pours all his truth, this new r/s he is in isnt working, he wants to let me know and also not sabotage this other person.

He trusts me enough to say he misses me, he has asked for two months.  For me, to wait, to allow him to sort it all out... .

It seems to me he trusts me.

All i have read, is trust, affinity, and fun are critical for a r/s.  Those are non negotiable.

He said we would need to have serious conversations about x.y.z.  i said ok.

He said he misses me.

More to follow!

with hope, j

What does "trusting you enough" have to do with it?  Why does he need to trust you to express feelings?  Is he trying to make sure that you don't to tell the OW... what he said?

What does "sabotaging" the other person mean?

FF

Good questions.

All i know, is i got clarification on, he wants me to hold off on the decision to put stuff in storage.
He is looking at coming back.  He said that would include serious conversations about our differences, which is fine w me.  Thats great!

Since he was being candid, I assume he shared the other things he was looking to do.

Can you share that?

How does this conversation affect your feelings about your relationship?

FF

Street wisdom: This sounds like monkey physics. 
A monkey can swing from branch to branch, but the safest way to do that is know the next branch will hold weight before letting go of the former one.  I suspect he's reaching back to you just for that reason, not a change of heart.
You can be the old branch for a long, long time.

appreciate the protectiveness, defense you all are providing me.

I would like support around creating a healthy r/s from nothing.  I cant redo my past, no one else can redo theirs.

Everything i read on relationships is that you cant hold on to resentments. And, my program teaches me to not judge others.
I understand everything that happened.  I havent shared everything, with all of you.

Am treading on new ground.  Am praying for our r/s, God's will.

Is there anything we can do to help you feel ready to more fully share?


FF

Please be careful with yourself.  I love my wife, who has BPD but denies it strenuously, but if I were to somehow find myself out of the relationship with her, I would probably consider it a relief even though I would grieve it. 

Isn't it a bit of a relief? 

Hi f,

Have shared so much, and its my personal info.
I have tried pm a few trusted members, and those arent receiving pm's right now.

Only my sponsor and my Higher Power have all the information.  as it should be, in my view.

I appreciate the tools here.

Some people want to provide opinion.  For me, i can only rely on experience, strength, and hope.

Everything else is opinion, and benefits me not.

Everyone can accept what they like from this email, and disregard the rest.

With thanks,

j

Thank you Prof

there is an element of relief, if i am honest.
I think grief and relief may be related.

There is so much we shared, i did an in depth review of each year, ten living together, in my journal, each year was full, all different things happening, alot of bonding experiences w life events i never had before.  Its like when i met him, excitement, interesting things, were around him, and i was included... .i was present to seeing lives changed, as he mentors men, who want to change their life.  He took on some difficult people in hard circumstances... .and all during that time, he would share a bit more of his background, and his transformation, through his program.

i never have known anyone so completely.  I got to see who he is.  Up close:  and there is where i experienced the BPD part of our r/s... .

Am so glad i found this site, tools, caring people. I feel like there is a real chance for us to create something new.

I feel hope.

Juju2 -
It comes across to me that you have an abiding love for him.  Although that's certainly not something I'm familiar with anymore, I understand that love is strong enough to motivate change, hope, and a happy future.
You are far ahead of me, and better for it.  I wish you the very best.
Sometimes our focus is our reality, and you are focusing on some really powerful beliefs and feelings.  That sounds very positive.

It sounds like you enjoyed getting to know who he really is.

Can you share more about who he is?

FF

I would enjoy that.
All of the BPD good qualities: attactive, personable, smart, intuitive, listening for intention,
economy of words and appropriate word choice
(for instance, the word "suggestion" , he knows one of the meanings is "subtle command"),
so many things. 
he has patience; energetic; finds the best way to get something done; friendly; shows peacefulness.
The program he is in, 19 yrs now, really is apparent in his life.  Also, loyal.

For his 19th anniversary, i made him a card w the St Francis of Assisi prayer on it.

The challenges i experience by being close to him are all the BPD negative qualities. 
Where our r/s broke down was my addiction and my non awareness of my attitudes that were running my show.  I had it like he was making problems for us.  It was all his fault, and he was to blame.  That all ran me... .

It’s easy to take blame when something doesn’t work out. I’ve been doing recently as well. But it takes two to make a relationship work and fail. So please don’t blame yourself fully or him.

I understand you miss him and 10 years is a long time to spend with someone. Of course, you will have this bond and memories that won’t be taken away from you.

But let’s look at the now, he is in a reltkonship with someone new. He asked you, to back off and not sabatoge this relationship. What do you think you can do in this situation?

He also has his things in your place for a while now. You don’t think he may Be leaving these at the your place for a reason to come back if the new rs doesn’t work? Just a thought. Not that it could be true but what do you think if this was true? From my reading in breakups and psychology, people like to leave belongings behind so it gives a reason to come back. My ex would do this. I also have done this.

It’s hard accepting someone you see the beauty in to also see BPD. Because we only love them and see the good. I’m sure you love him and see the lovely man you fell for. It’s hard to accept.

Have you read about breadcrumbimg? What do you think on this? Do you think this could be applied in this situation?

Sending you love and joy, Juju.

Cry.   You are right on.!

I get it all.


Just got done emailing him, this is a one time only, (am being a tree, not a statue).
Am going along w his request. This time only.

I have a commitment to myself, if i say something
(After pausing, meditation, consulting w my Higher Power, my sponsor), i will do exactly as i said.
Its about my integrity.

Its important that i follow my program, which basically is truth, necessity and kindness.  Everything has to be able to go thru those gates to become part of what i am.

I am fully accepting, aware of breadcrumbing.
That may be what is happening.

Its interesting and confirming to me Cry, you wrote this to me, while i was writing my truth to him.

I am clear.  And it looks like i am not clear.

I know who i am.  Be not worried, my friend.
With thanks, j

Can you expand on this?

Does this standard apply to others as well?

FF

Ff,

Its an ideal way i want to be, and i fall short.

It applies to myself, and everyone else.

thank you for your support, j

Gotcha... .always good to have a north star... .a standard to measure yourself and the world with.


Also wise of you to realize that you will sometimes fall short.

Taking the same thought a bit further, it would likely be wise to realize that others will sometimes fall short as well.

How do you handle things when you fall short?

How do you handle things when others fall short?

FF

Forgiveness.
and acceptance.

I get myself there.  Believe.

Whenever i am judgemental and angry,  am out of alignment with God's will.  Nothing happens by accident, i believe. 

Interesting... .

So... .how do you go about discerning God's will?

FF

Prayer, meditation, going to meetings, talking w my sponsor, listening, writing,being of service, pausing, until i hear that still quiet voice in my spirit.

As soon as i can become honest and clear away everything within me that is blocking me from the spirit of God, i can improve my conscious contact with my Higher Power!

Hi juju2,
Maybe you can help catch me up with your story. So you've decided to give him a couple of extra months regarding possessions in storage. It seems that you are interested in rekindling your relationship should he be unattached at that point in time.

What outcome are you hoping for at that point? Are you thinking of casual dating and seeing what comes of that? Or are you thinking about living together again?

Thanks in advance for filling in the gaps for me.

Cat

Hi Cat,

i really dont know.  I am interested in rekindling with him, and if he gets clear on what he wants, it sounds like he is serious, because he said we need to have a serious conversation about our issues... .
he has a lease for a while yet, so that would give us time to create something new... .

he says he respects me, and i am thankful for that.
I feel like we have been able to communicate so much better now, on extremely difficult things.
I have been able to keep emotionally in control, to my credit, as i have been working on myself,
Spiritually, mentally, physically.  I feel good.  I love me.  My life.  It doesnt make sense to me!
I dont know who i am.

[/b]

I'm curious if these two things are related.

Juju2

What do you think? 

Does it feel right to you?

FF

It's good to hear that you've been making so much progress with yourself, improving your emotional intelligence, becoming healthier physically and spiritually.    And you feel good and love yourself.  

And that has translated into better communication with him.  

You've got some time to sort things out because he has a lease--on his living space?

You say you don't know who you are. What do you mean by that? Are you unsure if you want to rekindle this relationship?

Sorry to fire questions at you juju.

He ‘says’ he respects you... .how does he ‘show’ you he respects you?

In my experience words are empty and consistent actions show me the true nature of my W heart. My W ‘says’ I am abusive and she NEEDS a divorce, but she doesn’t ‘show’ me this with actions.

F,

I meant it in a good way, feel that am detached, accepting, and living a full life.

Cat, yes, we would have time to sort things.
Enabler, will give that some thought and get back to you.

Thank you all for your support,  j

I'm glad it is a positive thing for you.     

Do you think they are related?

FF

No.

Its different for me, thinking things through, what is best for me.

It a new way of being, and i dont know that person!

Who is "that person"?

So... .in your opinion, you don't think you have ever done "this" before? 

I think I'm starting to understand the vibe of where you are in life... .

FF

Correct.

Having co deoendency disorder, full blown, i would filter things through what is best for my kids, my b/f, when i was married, my husband. Etc.
Never did i think the thought, what is best for me.?
Its strange to admit that.

I feel like i really am changing!

Yay for me.  It feels good.

Good... .I like this thinking.

What conclusions do you come to when you apply the "what's best for me" standard to your ex, the OW, his stuff at your place?

FF

Good question.  Let me ponder that, and get back to you.
For right now:
My sense is, he made a mistake.  I made mistakes.
A lot of this situation i dont know. I have moved through a lot of spaces, working the steps, and since he talked to me, two days ago, opened his heart, that things arent working out. 
Again, just listening, i heard remorse and sadness.
(One thing he could grow in is saying i am sorry.  I made a mistake.)
It is a rabbit hole when i try to think about what other people are doing. Its radical acceptance.
So, what is best for me in this situation is to get out of his way, (cease enabling) make plans to have his possessions moved.  As far as his r/s w other people, i have becomed detached, as i have no control over that.  I am staying the course that is best for me.

So if things don’t work out with his new partner, where does that put your relationship with him?

Also, what if it does work out? Are you prepared for that?

People make mistakes, it’s good to accept and let go but not forget. Especially if the same mistakes keep happening.

When you say make plans to have the possessions removed, is that soon or in 2 months?

It’s amazing once one puts themself first. Ask what juju wants and what’s the best thing for her to recover in this situation.

Where do you see yourself a year from now?

Good questions.
Right now, we dont have a r/s.
Am just taking it one day at a time.
Whatever happens, i am ok.

So the internal work i am doing, has me be in the now; the changes in my attitude have been life altering.

I do not have to have anything my way.

I am focusing on gratitude, thankfulness, and being positive. 

Read about breathing yesterday, how breathing through your nose could help have better everything, its more efficient.  Have been doing that.  Only one day.

 and its amazing when i am not focused on someone or something i cant change, and stay in now, how peaceful my life is.

Cry,

I dont know the answers to your questions.

Am doing my best, following my program in all areas of life.

Thank you for your support,
j

No pressure Juju,

I’m sure those answers will come in time 

What have you planned this week for yourself? Any new restaurants, hobbies, self care practices you’re excited about?

Hi Cry,

Am involved w my program, and work,
that keeps me very busy.

 guess this could also be a test, to see if i have become patient, without a lot of reassurance.
 Basically, i dont know what can or will happen in two months, it doesnt make sense... .i used to lose my temper easily, and wasnt patient.

Maybe he is seeing if i can keep sane, not lose my temper, and also not pressure him.
Its a tall order.

he has revealed some things.   am really not sure what is going on.  I have not known him to lie.
It may have to do with me reaching one Year in codependency recovery.  That is a huge milestone. That will be oct 1.  He also may want to see if i revert back to clinging or any co dep traits if given any encouragement... .

Like if i ask him any questions, etc.  I have to be strong.

You've been keeping busy with your program and work and are wondering if this two month request is some sort of test. In the past, you weren't patient and you lost your temper, but now you feel differently. You wonder if you stay centered and don't pressure him that he might reengage in a relationship.

But you don't know what's up with him and think he might be wary of you being codependent. You're concerned that if you ask questions, he might see that as a sign of weakness?

Yes.

It is a sign of weakness, from what i read about people who are separated.  Its putting pressure on the other person, and letting them know you are in a dependent position.

Said another way, if i am living a full life, excited about my life, nothing concerns me.  I am a butterfly.

You guys and my sponsor knows that i have anxiety, and am overly concerned w this one person.   And i have made a lot of progress!

Thanks in large part to all of you,

With thanks, j

Here's another perspective on questions that I picked up in a business seminar:

The person who asks the questions controls the conversation.

That may not be your style. I tend to be a rather introverted, shy type of person. I really enjoy one-on-one conversations with people I know, but put me in a party atmosphere where I have to make small talk with strangers--not my favorite scene.

I've discovered the power of questions, and it goes back to when I worked as a reporter for a couple of years. I just "interview" people I don't know and get them talking about themselves and I can sit back, relax, and gather information. And they enjoy that someone is taking a personal interest in them.

So my experience with questions is different than yours and I see being the questioner as a "power position" rather than a sign of weakness.

In r/s when you are the more invested, you want to ask questions... .

Its natural.

When i am secure, my future is exciting, my energy is alive, positive, not a care in the world.

From there i dont ask questions.

From there, the other person will gain anxiety that i am not asking questions... .isnt she worried? Isnt she concerned i may not come back?

My energy and behaviour speaks loud.

Its about emotional control.

Makes sense that you keep your cards close to the vest.

And... .what does it say?

FF

I couldn't help putting myself in this - and I said to myself to never determine who I am based on what someone else is. 
If that makes sense.

Triggers another tidbit of street wisdom I have found to apply:
"whoever cares less about the relationship, controls the relationship."
I'm trying to find counter examples, but I can't right now.  It's like human nature has to be divisible by the lowest common denominator, no chain is stronger than its weakest link, and so forth.  When you realize it means nothing, you get control over it's end.

Ff,

When i met him, i was carefree, had a social life, at my best weight, fit, interesting.

Towards the last year together, i was the opposite of all that.  Am getting back to who i am, for me.
I am remembering who i am.

I'm glad you are getting back to where you want to be... that's awesome!   

Listen... .there seems to be lots of talk about messages and actions "speaking loudly"... .etc etc.

Most of those messages seem to be directed at your ex, that he will "see" and "hear" certain things from you (about you).

Can you try to come up with a one sentence message you would like to send him... or that you believe you are sending him with your actions and other methods?

Clarity of intent and message on your part is critical... .as you know... pwBPD can sometimes "filter" things in an "odd way".

FF

Ff,

When i met him, i was carefree, had a social life, at my best weight, fit, interesting.

Towards the last year together, i was the opposite of all that.  Am getting back to who i am, for me.
I am remembering who i am.

One sentence message.

You are an important person to me, i heard what you said, your r/s isnt working out.  You and i had something special.

Something like that.

When we last talked, he was pretty disgusted w the way things are for him.

I have it like i just need to get out of the way, there is nothing i can do, except hold the line.  Final date for resolving entanglements oct xx.

That's a really awesome message.  

Listen Juju2... .that message is really poignant.   Direct from your heart... to his.

Wouldn't it be a shame if he didn't "hear" such an important message... ?

    Again... .wow, incredible message.

FF  

Beautifully said. 

Thanks to you guys, i went ahead and emailed him
that msg.

He was gracious.  I am going to let all of this simmer  am wanting space fm here to reflect.
Am not seeking any advice or what ifs.  I want nothing.   Thank you all for respecting my wishes.

 
How best can we support you?

FF

Thank you f, and everyone.

Am just looking to reflect.  Am in a space of silence.

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