BPDFamily.com

He's telling me I am turning into him.  The anger, shifting my old problems to like ones he has.  That him going to therapy is helping him realize that he's not to blame for everything, that he's starting to see a pattern.  He wakes up fine and as soon as he talks to us, he gets in a bad mood.  How anytime he asks us to do stuff, we screw it up somehow.  How I am different, I am not acting like the woman he married (which was only 6 months ago). How he's doing his part and staying calm, counting, not yelling.  How him going to therapy might be my down fall, him realizing I will never change blah blah.  How it will never change.

I am sitting here, thinking really hard about why.  He is getting better and working on things.  Why do I feel such distance from him?  Why do I still have those old feelings of not being able to talk to him?  Why do I still feel like I can't trust to tell him about "not good" stuff.  Part of me feels crushed.  He's becoming a better person and I am still struggling to feel the love I use to have.

I set up an appointment with my individual counselor.  I need to talk to someone about this that has a fresh set of ears.  I am worried I am getting to my point where I really have given up and all those years have finally caught up with me.  Almost feels like I have been pushed so far by him that even the slightest emotional deregulation now causes me to just snap.

To answer the question you pose in your title, we call it "picking up BPD fleas." Yes, being around them and their behaviors, we can start doing similar behaviors ourselves. The difference is that they generate those behaviors and we mirror them. So in another context, we wouldn't do those things, but around them, yes, we can behave like them.

I hear blaming in what he's telling you--that you are "turning into him". And he's looking to shift the blame off himself. Yes, of course it takes two to tango--one partner is not 100% responsible for all the issues in the relationship.

The next sentence about how he "wakes up fine and as soon as he talks to us, he gets in a bad mood." Blame, blame, blame. It's his mood to control, not yours and your sons'.

There's also a threat--that therapy will be your downfall because you won't change.

Certainly he's making an effort to control his anger and acting out. That's great, but at the same time, he's doing a lot of blaming you for his issues.

You're hesitant to talk about things that in the past would set him off. Of course you are.    You've got a lot of history there. It's great that he's making progress, but you don't have a track record of him being able to manage hearing things that make him uncomfortable, so it totally makes sense that you're reluctant to talk about that kind of stuff.

Great that you're seeking individual counseling.    You've been through so much in the last few years.    You're at the point where you're fed up with childish behavior from the man you married. It is possible that you will be able to get past this and renew the love you once felt for him. And at the same time, it's also possible that there's been too much water under the bridge. Much will depend upon him being the man he claims he wants to be: responsible, even tempered, kind to you and the boys, accountable for his own mistakes, and appreciative of all that you do to make his life better.

This really strikes me, in recently rereading “stop care taking the borderline/narcissist” it was mentioned that when a caretaker acts out they can feel that they’re like the BPD/NPD. However the caretakers outbursts are usually far and inbetween, and followed by feelings of guilt. I thought to myself this is funny because sometimes I feel that I feel like the BPD, am I crazy too. I think being in the emotional roller coaster and holding things in since we're always walking on eggshells can cause us to be erratic sometimes too.

It has been my own personal observation that when I (the Non) comes unglued, finally, after "putting up with", or being pushed too far... .I think that my "release", or behaviors... .losing it finally, .actually terrifies my u/BPDw.

She may NOT show it outwardly, as in she may seem indignant, or even more angry... but under that mask she wears, she is scared to death... .that I might leave, or say I'm leaving (unsaid threat of) due to putting up with her BPD'ism's too long... .hmmm ?

Does this make sense?

I think that the pw/BPD actually depends on the non in the r/s to "keep it together" at all times, provide home, protection & security, .even when they, pw/BPD are "in our grill", .and when the Non slips, and lets go, .it triggers the pw/BPD, as all aspects of order, and perceived normality is instantly gone.

In trigger, I mean... .like when a child at home, whom depends on their parent(s) to take care of everything, and then that parent maybe gets drunk, or gets injured, or appears to no longer be in control... .to the effect that then the protection/safty of the home is rendered ineffective, and then the child is in danger... .this supports my own thoughts, that BPD is trauma based, inner (injured) child stuff... .I've been reading a lot about this lately.

Just my own personal observation.

Thoughts?

Red5

Hey... .pretty much anything you insert after this is problematic... .if you put much weight on it.

I'm wondering what it might be like for you if you cut in half the amount of "stuff" you listen to from him.  Is that possible?

Listen and have conversations when he is pleasant and excuse yourself when he is having a fit.

Thoughts?

FF

So how are you doing today, Frankee?

I had typed out a response to the posts.  Unfortunately there was an outage and I lost everything I typed.  I will reply to the responses tomorrow what I wrote before.

I am doing better today.  I am a little stressed.  There are things scattered throughout the day that have been testing my patience.   I use to think I was such a patient person.

He sent me a text message couple days ago. 
Look, I ask a lot of you.  Sometimes I think it is too much. But I know it's not.  You're not weak, you're one of the strongest women I've ever known. You wouldn't be able to put up with me if you weren't.  And I am so thankful to have found someone as strong as you.  Because if you hadn't come into my life, I know I'd be doomed to be alone forever.  And I promise I'm going to keep doing what I need to do to make your life easier for you.  Because you do deserve a break.

Things like that text and the improvements I do see are what are saving this relationship.  I told him how much it means to me, that I love him, and I do see that he is trying. He isn't a stupid man.  He is aware of how he is handling things differently.  He even got upset the other day because he got confused over something.  I got it sorted out and he apologized for getting upset and knew I wasn't trying to do anything on purpose.  He even acknowledged that something I said that he construed as a lie was something I didn't do on purpose and he was trying to be more understanding.

As Cat had mentioned, once I see the kind of partner that I thought I was marrying, the emotional deregulation are a little tougher.  I know behaviors don't change over night and I am trying to be understanding and patient when he does go off rails a little.

I think my behavior change has had a factor.  I may come off as "cold" sometimes, but the therapist pointed out that maybe it is a defense mechanism.  Maybe, but I know I don't want to be like that.  It's not who I am.

well, ill put it this way: personality traits and behaviors arent contagious. for example, if you spend the night under a bridge with a homeless schizophrenic person, you arent likely to pick up or mirror any of their behaviors.

the issue, when this happens, is usually about protracted and long term conflict, resentment and distance in a relationship. its especially common in family units where, not unlike love languages where we tend to show people how we want to be loved by loving them that way, we also often show others the effect the behavior we dont like has on us by doing it back.

its probably not a bad thing that he realizes hes not entirely to blame for the conflict in your relationship (he also probably isnt telling you in the most constructive way, either). i know that for the longest time, my ex (and i) tended to put it all on her. later in the relationship, as she began to see it wasnt that simple, i couldnt adapt, tended to dismiss her point of view, and put it back on her, and our relationship, our trust, began to erode.

what stage would you say your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

There is a good follow up conversation that needs to happen here.

"Babe... thanks for praising my strength.  We've been through a lot together and we are both getting stronger.  Understand that my "strength" will mean that I "put up" with less of the behavior (might want to work on how you describe this) going forward.  I'm thankful you are working on your behavior, that shows strength.  We'll get through this together."


Something like that.

FF

I know the feeling.    PwBPD are really good at finding one's triggers, and then using them.    It's made me strive to be more trigger-less. The interesting thing is that my husband has discovered triggers I didn't even know I had. Now that I know he knows about them, I'm kinda forearmed and they don't set me off the way they used to. For example: "self-absorbed".  Now I just agree--"Yep, that's true" and smile inwardly.


That's great!    And it's great that you told him how much it means to you to hear him say that. 


My husband sometimes accuses me of being "cold" but almost always that's when I'm being really analytical. I'm a "thinker" and he's a "feeler". He's very intelligent and highly logical, but when he's upset--all that goes out the window and he's totally into his feelings.

For me, when I'm upset, I get totally into thinking and logic. "How do I figure this out? What can I do? What is the best strategy here?" So it's a mismatch when we're both upset because I'm thinking and he's feeling.

He does have a unique way of pushing buttons that nobody else can.  It's like going crazy from dealing with crazy every day.  I have learned in the last week or so that he really can't hear "bad" irrelevant news.  No matter how well he is currently doing, he doesn't want to hear about the bumps I encounter when dealing with certain things.  Maybe when his track record isn't so smeared with $hit, I may feel more open.


Yes.  In his case though I think he looks to me for what he wants to feel as having a woman that is strong enough to "put up" with him.  When I loose my cool and get angry, he throws the "go ahead and say it, you can't take it anymore, it's too hard, you're leaving, when things get to hard, you jump ship.  The whole "before" nonsense how I dealt with stuff was me letting him carry on with his craziness and staying quiet and "understanding".

Definitely not constructive.  More of the you're turning into me, your working on your old problems, but picking up mine, what is wrong with you, what is going on, I'm changing and doing this and that while you're doing nothing.  Blah blah phht.

I would say I am in limbo somewhere between stage two and three.  The good thing is I recognize it and I do want to correct it.  More so for my own emotional and mental well being.  I do feel programmed to respond still in the either take defense or cold shoulder when I see he is starting to have an episode.  I think it is just from dealing with it for so long, I am struggling to change it.  I do feel contempt and resentment at times.  Angry for all the things he had done and said.  I think that is why individual therapy would help me.

I am the same way.  When I get frustrated or upset, I go into thinking mode.  What can I do to fix this.  What xyz process can I do next to remedy it.  When he's all about, I don't care what the topic is, I feel upset and I want to be reassured that everything is okay.  What is something that has been chewing at me is that I am a very emotionally free person.  I just feel that around him, I have done the waking on eggshells, having to constantly analyze a situation, and everything else, that I don't feel comfortable right now to freely express emotions without a filter.  That is something I need to work on and tell myself that I have every right to express my emotions.

Patricia Evans, author of, "Verbal Abuse," accurately describes the actions of the narcissist and borderline, but without any clinical comments.

I recall she states that it's easy to become abusive oneself after living with a pwBPD, especially when we are fed up with the BPD's actions and we start to voice our unhappiness.

I agree with Cat on pwBPD finding triggers of their partners.

My mother was an expert at finding my triggers, even decades after I'd moved out of her house.    It must be like fishing for them--they keep using different bait and see what we'll bite on--and then they remember that... .forever.


IDK whether this is relevant to what you're saying here, Frankee, but there's something about my husband's ability to hear me describe the details of my experience that seems to be similar to this. This is a pattern that I just recently identified too:

Usually when I'm talking with someone about something--let's say a plumbing repair that I did where I had problems with something that went awry and then I had to do it differently--usually the person I'm talking with can track the details of the conversation. Otherwise, why should I even talk with them about it? Sometimes it's just that I want to share something funny or surprising or frustrating or interesting (at least, to me).

But when I talk with my husband, I often get the sense that he is just waiting for me to be done talking. Often he won't say a word about anything I said, but he will abruptly change the subject, leaving me to feel kinda stupid for trying to share whatever I was attempting to share with him.  (A complete invalidation of me and what I'm trying to communicate.)

So I think why did this just happen? Sometimes it's about things that he doesn't care about or understand. OK, that makes sense. Other times it's not. But he's just totally dropped the conversational ball and I'm left standing there like an idiot. He doesn't do that with people he wants to impress or like him. He will feign interest in all sorts of things that I know he doesn't care about.

So why me? Well, he's comfortable with me and doesn't need to impress me. But even more than that, I think the gears are spinning in his mind and he's thinking about something he wants, beating himself up about something he thinks he didn't do adequately, or who knows? But my sense is that whatever is going on in his head is so much more compelling than listening to me and he did the "polite" thing of listening for as long as he could bear, and now he's back to thinking about his own thing.

Of course, because he's so reluctant to talk about his own internal processes, I will never know.

But Frankee, my feeling is that your husband doesn't want to know details that you want to share because somehow, having to listen to you share your experience, overwhelms him for some reason.

Wow!... .mine too !

Took me decades... .yes, decades to figure this out, .geez !

Red5

... .what stage would you say your relationship is in?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down


This morning, u/BPDw and I went at it again, I had retreated to the shop/shed mancave in the backyard, she cornered me, and we shouted a bit, then talked some, .I told her I was beyond tired, and that I was done with trying, and that I was just going to “GOLE”... .which means, “go on living everyday”... .I told her straight out, that I was done putting up with her behavior... .and that I would like her to let me be... .she agreed with me that “this is not working” ,

I feel that I am firmly aboard stage III, as described above.

... .not good,

I feel for you Frankee, this is tough stuff for sure,

Red5

I am feeling the same way. But it is only with him I would act this way. Like someone stated I think it is just because I am fed up of not Being able to reason with him like an adult.

After he has twisted everything around and gaslighted and blamed me enough and I can not get through to him with reason, I too can have enormous outburst with telling and Being cruel. I am just too frustrated and feel nothing else works to get through to him.

But I always regret it and feel bad about it, and I never act like this with anyone else. Then I think of all The Times he did The same to me and I feel bad about having said sorry for my behavoir. He never did.

Vicious circle really.

Yes, it gets really exhausting when logic doesn't work and we feel that they are refusing to look at facts.   But adopting some of their behavioral patterns, while it can get their attention in the moment, feels awful later and we lose any moral high ground we might have had.

I've learned that at those times when the tools don't work to exit the conversation (and leave the room with some stated reason--"got to medicate the cat") and stay away for at least 15 to 20 minutes to allow his emotional response to get back to baseline. This has saved me from a lot of irritation.

I agree. And felt awful about the times. It just wasn't possible in a one bedroom apartment and as I tried to go to bed to get out of it, he started playing loud music and singing. When I asked him to put earphones he did, but all The time screaming "are you awake?", "I know you can hear me, i wont let you sleep!"

For example, then came one of my rages that probably woke my neighbours. It just gets too much, thats when i became like him.

Ashamed yes, and despairing

Yes, when you are trapped in a room with them and you have no options late at night, it's really uncomfortable.   

What he did was terribly cruel and you were out of options at the moment, so it's understandable that you snapped.     Do you have any thoughts about how you could do something different in the future?

That time I first went out of bed, put my clothes on and said "if you won't shut up or stop attacking me I Will spend The night outside". He said "so go, its a free country, enjoy"

I was on my way out and saw it was raining, 4 a.m. Where should I go? And it was my apartment, mind you, not his. So I went back to bed. He continued to provoke me, and finally I went up screamed shut up and took a magazine and hit him in The head to wake him out of it ( he was going on an on how awful I was)

Then he "woke up" , and shut up. But still he reminds me of how he remember it as The Day he Will tell to everyone how i abuse him physically. (he was not even Hurt, I slapped him in The head with a newspaper). Physically violence is never ok, I know that. So I apologized and went to bed. Finally he was also too drunk to pass out snoring beside me. Not remembering anything he did, but long after he goes on about how I hit him that time and he Will never forget.

And yes I said I am sorry, I also dont think violence is ok, even with slap with a newspaper.

But what can I do different in those situations, I really dont know. Talking or escaping was not an option. Not ignoring.

I dont know, but i am left with the blame. And I say I am sorry, but never heard something similar from him.

What would you guys have done?

I am/was a flee ridden mess. I won't deny it... .in fact I'd probably go so far as to say that my reactions to her behaviour was probably more extreme than her behaviour. Here's how I see it... .

Life with a borderline is like an emotional rollercoaster. Each low hurts a lot, it's emotionally painful. If you're conscious of the dynamic you learn to stay centred, see the behaviour for what it is, avoid adding fuel to the fire, close your ears to any personal attacks and find something different to think about until it passes... .but what if you haven't got the first clue about what is going on, what if you believe the personalised attacks? Well for me my solution was to get ahead of the conflict... .so, I would sense than conflict was brewing, this generated acute anxiety (physically and emotionally), as her dysregulation rose mine would rise faster to catch up and head her off... .kinda out-anger her... .proactive rage to frighten the beast back in her cage.

I summed it up pretty well in a letter I wrote her in 2007 when she left the second time (I believed her moods to be hormone related not childhood trauma and attachment related):

"I think I reached a point when I could no longer tollerate the years of boxing in , compromising, inconvienience, unfairness and lack of my own and your consideration from ME. I had realised that I was no longer myself and that by trying to be someone else I wasn't winning any prizes or reaping any rewards. I lost any respect I had for you. It dawned on me that someone who couldn't make their own decisions, who got stressed cooking and couldn't handel the pressure of a day in the office, someone who was never happy unless drunk and who couldn't hold an arguement without walking away and crying was not telling me how and what I should be doing, someone who always said I can't do it then had an opinion how I should have done it after the event... .You were going to live by my rules as yours were clearly rubbish and if this meant ramming it down your throat so be it... .and so started the agressive backlash about anything and everything I disagreed with, any objection you had with me... .why tollerate it, why pander to it, why agree with it, it didn't get me anywhere before. Shouting, screaming, lashing out... .that made you get the message and in my mind it made you think twice about kicking up a fuss, emotionally blackmailing me or trying to make me change again. See the rubbish thing about that was I was now part of the problem, in fact I was the problem. Rather than it just you being irrational demanding  and a bit physcho it was me who was the nutter, me losing control and most of all... .me who was now and @rsehole. None of your friends, my friends or family would put much weight on a hormonal girl being possessive, jealous or neurotic faced with a monster who terrorises his wife and makes her fear for her safety. Did I achieve anything? No, you didn't learn to cut me some slack, you didn't learn to respect me, my feelings understand that I want to go out have a laugh... .quite the opposite. You cut me slack because you stopped caring, stopped respecting me, stopped understanding how I was thinking, what I was thinking and couldn't understand what or why I was doing what I was doing. So then I had to drum into you that I wasn't an @rsehole... .disaster."

The problem was, she only saw one side of the equation because she was unable to self reflect on her own behaviour. She numbed out, sought love elsewhere and at the bottom of a bottle. Oh how things could have been different knowing about BPD!

I really appreciate everyone's input.  I use to really believe I was going bat$hit crazy.  I'm only like that with him, even though he use to try to make believe it was with everyone.

Counseling has been a blessing in disguise and a curse (temporarily).  He likes to point out about how well he's doing while I'm.not changing, how him getting help to realize he's not fully to blame will be my downfall, how his behavior is 100% excused by what he's been through.  Mind you, this is when he is going off on a tailspin and going for the throat.  I know he doesn't really mean it and I know he does it to hurt me.  Doesn't make it right, but I know him well enough to know where it is coming from.

I get so frustrated.  I had a real eye opener a couple days ago.  He started in.  Got angry about the toddler making noise in the bathroom and it just went off from there.  I started off by discussing what was going on. I could feel myself getting frustrated and upset.  I could clearly see he going down his dysregulation path.  Part of me wanted to grab something and smack him over the head.  I didn't.  I took the higher road and positioned myself in the right frame of mind.

He tried hard to get a reaction.  Even one point grab a folding chair and threatened to throw it.  I looked at him calmly and asked him what he was doing.  I asked if he was trying to scare me and when he said yes, I calmly replied that I am not scared.  He went mean verbally.  Sulked in said folding chair and took some really nasty jabs.  Nothing worked. 

I started losing my cool and getting loud and abrasive and even called him a jerk.  He made a key comment that snapped me out of it.  He said, There it is... the anger, the resentment, you're almost there where you scream at me, tell me you can't take it anymore and that you are leaving.  I stopped and looked at him.  I walked up to him, looked him dead in the eye.  I said, I know what you are doing, it's not going to work, I love you very much, and I'm not going anywhere.  I hugged him and he just kept saying, we'll see about that.

We went to a friend's BBQ, everything was fine, and when we came home, we were okay.

I remember when I use to sit on the bathroom floor, crying so hard about how much my heart was hurting.  It's not easy.  I finally had to tell myself that I do not accept being talked to that way, I do not deserve to be treated this way, and I will not stand for it.  I still have to pick and choose how to react, but I think I proved to myself that I am capable of handling his dysregulations a little better.

I think I have lost count of how many times I have been in this position.  One time we were parked outside our counselor's office (the irony here).  He pushed me so far that I started screaming at him and smacking him on the arm. Then he was like, look at you, physically abusing me when all I am doing is arguing with you.  What came to mind immediately was, that is nothing compared to what you've done.

I felt really upset with my behavior.  Upset he was able to push me to lashing out and pushing the blame onto me. 

One of the most important thing I have learned from being on here is, not to take it personal.  It is probably the hardest thing to do.

Are there certain things he says that provokes you?

I find when dealing with my bph, it takes some serious self discipline.  I do have my outburst and I still have my emotional reactions, like any human being would.  I just try to be more mindful of bringing myself back to center

There is really good articles on this website.  One I like is Wisemind.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

After years pass, it starts to wear you down... ."not taking it personal" is very difficult, especially when it gets physical, .when things get thrown, crashed, destroyed... .that's personal no matter how you look at it.

The old saying is true, "sticks and stones",

And then when the Non has finally had enough, and reacts... .then we always feel quilt, and that's personal.

I've tried everyway under the sun to try to "not take it personal", .and to not enable, ramp up, and or feed it... .but seems pw/(udx)BPD always "figures out a way"... .and then its back to the think tank for me.

I've read volumes, watched years of videos, .you'd think I could figure out a way... .but the more I come to understand, the more I learn, .the farther away from her I drift it seems.

Its sad... .right now I just feel abject despondency, .like the h3ll with it... .for now anyway.

Its like holding her head up in a flood, and she's fighting me the whole time, .if I let her go, she'll get swept away in the flood, she's drowning... .and the longer I wait to "rescue " her, because I'm so damn tired of this... .the farther away she drifts... .and the farther away she drifts, the harder I'll have to swim against the current to bring her back (rescue so to speak)... .I'm just floating here, watching her be swept farther and farther away... .ugh,

... .tough stuff,

Red5

Lucky you’re not a fella, not only would you be dealing with your own guilt and shame of the act but your whole community brandishing you a woman basher. It’s not the point and I know the frustration pwBPD generate with their behaviours... .but my oh my oh my it takes some willpower not to unleash hellfire

... .willpower = disciplined indifference

... .disciplined indifference -> despondency

... .despondency -> anger

... .anger -> guilt

... .guilt -> willpower

here we go again... .

Red5

The gender inequality on the man's side is truly unfair. Add to that, boys grow up often getting into fights when younger (and sometimes when older), so there's muscle memory for responding like this.

A couple of years ago, I slugged my husband in the arm, much to my shame. He'd never laid a hand on me, but I had been repeatedly physically assaulted by my first husband. I still feel embarrassed about it. After a circular argument had grown so nonsensical, I had finally gotten to my last "I don't give a  :cursing:" and next thing I knew, I'd hit him. So I truly have compassion for nons who finally lose it because I saw how easy it is to get to that point.

After having that experience and feeling "never again" I now am ultra sensitive to when things are starting to come unhinged and I exit the situation quickly, whether it's physically leaving the room or changing the subject. It's so much easier to do at the earliest signs of dysregulation rather than after it has become full blown. And from a physiological perspective, all the biochemistry linked to anger hasn't had a chance to fully circulate through the body, so it's much easier for him to calm down at that point.

I definitely want to clear it up about the not taking personally.  I understand that sometimes it's just not possible.  I still take things personally.  Especially when he levels attacks that seem to hit me so personally, I feel he's trying to rip my heart out.  The difference I try to do is gently remind myself that I am not those things he says I am, just because he says it doesn't make it true, these are his issues, and I'm being gaslighted.

I feel you on this cat.  I think I am getting bettet at identifying when he's starting to dysregulate.  I definitely understand when the nons reach the point where they snap.  I have been so unhinged with him before, I thought I should be stuffed in a padded room.  

Red5, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this.  I spent a long time feeling like no matter what I did, nothing worked.  I tried everything you did.  I felt like I was studying for a f#*&ing final exam with the amount of info I stuffed in my head about this.

I've had things of personally belongings smashed, I've seen holes punched in walls, a door destroyed, I've had him inches from my face, screaming at what a horrible person I am.  Spent countless hours crying behind closed doors so my kids wouldn't know.  Even felt so $hitty, once I contemplated hurting myself just to make the pain stop.  That's only scuffing the surface.

I've been in the same spot where I said f*@# it, I'm done.  Maybe things don't always work out, but they aren't hopeless.  There is always a chance to build up if both parties are willing to make a conscious effort to change.

Tonight is day eight on the leather couch in the “office/Man cave”... .I even went and bought a nice $50. pillow yesterday... .the last big blow up was last week; Wednesday , her daughter and her H left early Sunday AM, they had been visiting for a week... .so far this week there has been no attempt by either of us to “make up”... .there was a short shouting match on Monday morning,

I have to say I am really just like F_it right now, this last big blow out actually got me to get the notion to make an appt and go as a T yesterday... .yeah it’s that bad this time... .it’s been sixteen years since I was in a T’s office... .

All I have been doing is taking care of my son, and going to work and coming home and making supper for me and him each night, .“gray rock” all week.

I have to say, as far as this marriage, her udx/BPD, and the events of last week, .and all this pent up anger I have over it all... .it’s “do not resuscitate” as far as any idea of “fixing it up” this time... .

I’m just Burnt Out... .

We have been married for over seven years now, both our second marriage...

And I am just wore out with her, it’s been almost nonstop conflict the entire time.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading today about all of this, and I have to say that from what I have experienced from her, and what I am coming more to understand about BPD... .it sure don’t bode well, as far as any future for us... .this marraige.

It’s after two am here and I’m wide awake ; (

Hang tough Frankee!

Red5

Yes, we’d have to be a robot not to take things personally that are meant to be taken personally. It’s really good that you are making a habit of reminding yourself that it isn’t true. 

Just like creating all new habits, there will be times when you don’t remember, but cut yourself a lot of slack and look at the big picture. You are making great progress and who you are now compared to who you were many months ago is a very empowered woman!

The trials by fire you’ve endured are a testament to your strength. Good work!

Cat

I agree.  It's hard to know what to do when it seems like nothing but endless dark skies and emptiness.  It took me leaving my bph, having him arrested, getting the kids back, leaving for a month, coming back after never ending promises to do better, more fighting, telling him I was leaving again, left for two weeks, came back, and finally getting him to start therapy.

There were days where there was physical altercations, severe verbal fighting, and some pretty intense intimidation.  I know I contributed to part of the issues.  I just snapped.  I had reached a point where I was done, I even tried to get him to leave me so I could break up with piece of mind.  I slapped him on the face one day when he cornered me and start shaking and screaming in my face.  I don't condone physical abuse by a man or woman.

I can't tell this to just anyone.  I know telling this to just anybody would have them looking at me like, what the heck did you stay?  Why didn't you stay gone?  Why did you go back?  All the same spewed questions of people who don't understand.

His T sent him to a clinic today to get an assessment done to get medicine.  She says it will help him.  I asked him how it went and he said okay he guesses.  I looked at his medical papers when he was in the other room.  His assessment from ab actual doctor is Major depressive disorder, single episode, severe without psychotic features.  Chronic PTSD.. They prescribed him Seroquel and Sertraline.

He is doing a lot better from even a year ago.  I guess time will tell.

Yes it’s pretty tough Frankee, I understand exactly what your describing.

This website has certainly helped me to cope, lots of crazy behaviors here as well in our home over the past seven years.

I have to say however that it is hard to surprise me now.

I used to call it “cycling”... .up and down she would go, when she would go off no one could really know.

Tough stuff for sure, keep posting Frankee, and it’s a good thing imho that your H is seeing doc, thank goodness for that... .

Best regards, Red5 

It's good news that he's agreeable to taking medication.  I hear it's common for Major Depressive Disorder and other mental illnesses to coexist with BPD.

While the Sertraline and the Seroquel won't "treat" the BPD, the meds can help the underlying symptoms and "take the edge off". Seroquel especially can be very calming and sedating, to the point that a person with BPD won't "react" as quickly or strongly with dysregulation episodes.  Less dysregulation is always nice! Seroquel is also used as a sleep med.  Also, the Sertraline, if taken daily,  can help with any chemical imbalance causing depression.

We had a little set back.  What the doctor said was going to be inexpensive medicine, turned out to be a lot more than expected.  He has to talk to them tomorrow or Tuesday and tell them what the pharmacy said.  He wants to get the medicine, but we need it affordable.

I have been noticing a clear change.  Today he said getting frustrated and upset with how the kids were behaving. He got loud and started saying stuff about throwing out their games etc.  He didn't holler only but a few minutes.  Then he apologized to them about the mean things he did say.  Told them he didn't mean it.  I thought about it and his reaction was actually normal.  I got pretty upset with them yesterday too and snapped.

I think from dealing with so many outburts, dramatic emotional reactions that didn't match the situation, and just some serious rage, I think I am more sensitive and aware now when he starts getting upset.  That seems to me that I need to work on.  Not getting all tensed up, bracing myself, waiting for the explosion. 

I think having the emotional dysregulations gone would be such a blessing and a relief.  There are things I am seeing in myself that I don't like.  I feel it's because I have strung myself so thin that I'm snapping all over the place.  I'm about to carve out more time for myself to relax.  I have been holding myself together recently through some pretty stressful events and I can tell it's getting to me.

Many times doctors are able to hand out lots of samples.  Perhaps they can give you enough to see if they really work.  It would suck to pay a bunch of $$ for what doesn't work.

However... .if it actually works and produces improvement... .

Praying you will find a path to affordable medication.

FF

It's great that his outbursts have gone from extreme to more normal irritation that all parents experience and that he can apologize to the boys. 

You sound like you've got BPD fatigue.     Yes, it's tough to be the recipient of all that difficult behavior and it does take a toll on us. It's easy to run out of patience after a while.   

You've got your hands full with two young boys, but is there something you can do for yourself to recharge your batteries? Maybe some pleasure reading, taking the boys to a park, going to the beach? It's important to take care of you so that you can keep doing what you're doing.

I am definitely feeling fatigue.  As I write this, I am trying to figure something out.  He just got upset with me.  I feel his complaint was ridiculous.  But he didn't blow up or go completely crazy.

He went in the bedroom and laid down for awhile.  He came out when the kids woke up.  He asked me what I was doing out here that was so important.  I was confused and thought maybe he was upset the kids woke him up.  He got mad about how he was upset and I didn't come check on him and ask if he was okay.  I looked at him like what the heck are you talking about.

He complained how it's not normal for him to lay down in the dark in the middle of the afternoon.  I said I thought he was resting.  I started getting upset and was like, are you kidding me?  He said that I don't care how he feels blah blah.  Finished it off with I don't know how to be a good wife or woman.  I'm sitting here, shaking because I am so flipping mad.  He leaves after we snap at each other.

I am holding together a lot of stuff going on and he wants to get an attitude because I didn't check on him when he was laying down.  And I am left yet again with two small boys who are in my face about stuff while he's off eating a d@mn burger.

I don't feel this is a normal thing and I'm still upset.  I really don't have anything normal to compare this too.  Is this a typical normal jerk guy thing or his disorder flaring up?

It's like you have three young boys, Frankee. It's just more of the same stuff--excessive self-focus that people with personality disorders have. It's great that he's toning it down, but at this point, you're suffering from burnout, and who wouldn't, if they had to walk in your shoes over the last couple of years!

It's also referred to as a "narcissistic wound"--she doesn't love me because she didn't check in on me and I was upset and nobody cares about me.

Yep, I've gotten the "you don't care" card thrown at me when I didn't do something he thought a loving wife should do--not to mention that I had no clue he wanted attention--like you, in this situation, you probably thought he was taking a nap, like a normal person. Instead, he was stewing that you hadn't thought to check on him, kinda like an infant who might have turned onto his stomach and needed rescuing.

To you, and to me, we think--wow! But in his world, he felt like he needed your attention and you were purposefully withholding it and therefore you don't care. Another instance of feelings = facts.

Hey Frankee... .

   

Does it matter if it is the disorder or "just a jerk"?

Think about the "complaints" that he had today. 

What would your life be like if you cut out 90% of them?

If you were blissfully unaware... ?

If that's a life that interests you, we should probably dig into the details of how you can make that happen.

Thoughts?

FF

Wow Frankee!

That to me is a bit over the top there, Jesus Lord!

... .I pretty much have to request permission to even take a nap... .and then udx wife gets angry and fussy when I do.

Hang in there Frankee!

Red5

people with BPD traits are nothing if not very needy. unfortunately, they also have difficulty communicating their needs.

instead of "is this normal" (its certainly common, we all seek attention, expect others to read our minds and get pissy when they dont on some level), or getting defensive about it, first, take a deep breath. learn to read through it, look for whats driving it. respond to that, try to connect constructively.

I was going to write a post earlier, but he has been around and I can't let him know about any of this.

Today was just... wow.  Really all I can say.  It started out as him getting upset about hearing a question wrong, giving the wrong answer and then him calling me a liar.  Ugh.  I snapped, called him a jerk, @$$hole.  I realized that this was a fight that was going to turn ugly real quick if I didn't watch it.  I could see he was in a mood.

I collected myself and tried to use the tools.  Was hard when I just wanted to punch him in the head.  I was able to keep it together even when it started becoming a much larger rant about basically the world and everyone in it.  He called me a fun sucking spinister again.  It was a huge meltdown where nothing I could say would bring him back to reality.  He eventually ran out of steam, went in the kitchen and collapsed.  Just tipped right over and crashed.  When I got him up, he went out to the back porch and almost fell down the stairs.

This may sounds crazy, probably is.  Even crazier is that it's happened before more than once.  When he comes to, it's like he's checked back in.  Talking to me like a normal person.  This is why I am having issues.  Even the therapist says he's basically crazy.

My point is. Before this kind of meltdown would had left me shaken, cying, feeling like a horrible person before.  Now I see it for what it is.  He had a episode or whatever and I was the closet person he could take it out on.  Maybe what he said holds some truth to how he really feels, but I am not about to try to figure it out.

I know I have changed.  I have become less tolerant of his behavior.  I am not the laid back easy going person he met because I was different.  I was in a spot of IDGAF if you like me or not.  Being in this relationship with him and putting up with his crazyness is enough to turn any sane person into a ball of madness.

The thing is, now I see it clearly.  He wants to get pi$$ed because I am fun sucking spinister.  Truth is, I am trying to heal from the damage.  I will take responsibility for my mistakes and as much as he see no effort on my part, I see it.  I see the change from who I use to be.

He admitted that he will probably thank me in the future for doing all this, but apparently right now he feels I am trying to destroy who he is and fit him in some box. 

You've made some big changes in yourself in the last year.    And now that he's doing counseling, he's also making some improvements, but he's still dealing with a lot of issues. It's no fun for you to be the target of his dysregulations, but now you're realizing that, as you said, you were the closest person he could take it out on.

Some of the things he's said are triggering for you, such as being called a liar and a "fun sucker" and you know there's a tiny grain of truth in both of those accusations. You did keep things from him in the past out of a sense of self-protection and it makes complete sense, but that gave him the trigger that he can now use against you. Perhaps it's time to forgive yourself for not telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, because if you had done so a while back, you likely wouldn't have been safe. So now you are safer and maybe you can just let accusations like that go by without feeling hurt by them.

Likewise sucking the fun out of things--well, you're an adult, a mother. Of course you're looking at the big picture of how to take care of your family. Yes, you're not the wild fun loving young woman you once were, but you're a responsible parent, doing her best for her family. And sometimes as you can see, your husband would like to act like the adolescent he once was. And perhaps you'd like him to share more of the burdens of being a responsible adult and a good parent. So, maybe there's a way to hear this insult as him wanting to act out in a more childlike manner and feeling that you're being judgmental about that. And perhaps you are. I think a lot of people would feel the same. It's quite a sacrifice to set aside one's personal desires in order to be a good parent, but that's part of maturing and pwBPD struggle with that.

If you look at relationships as a dynamic between two people, if one individual changes, it has an impact on the other. You both are growing and it is changing how the two of you relate.

It's really a good sign that you were able to deal with the episode where he dissociated and maintain your composure and realize that it was something he was going through, rather than feeling bad about yourself.  

Undoubtedly he has noticed that lots of his former strategies for getting you to "toe the line" no longer work and so he is using triggers that he knows will still get a reaction--"lying" and "fun sucking spinster" and how on earth can you be a spinster when you're married to him?  

And yes, you're rather exhausted from years of dealing with his difficult behavior, so you're far less tolerant than you used to be. That's good in that you will now step away at an earlier point in his dysregulation cycle and you realize the futility of trying to "fix" things when he's breaking down.

Those triggers that you still have would be great to work on in your counseling sessions. I speak from personal experience when I say that no longer having a reaction to my own trigger has stopped my husband from trying to use it on me. (He said, "You're self-absorbed!" And I said, "Yes, you're right." My mother established the "selfish" trigger on me when I was very young. Self-absorbed is a variant of it and it used to work quite well. Now I realize that any emotionally healthy person needs to be self aware and at times, even self-absorbed. So now I hear that and it no longer triggers me. I just think--he's trying to get a reaction/manipulate me/make me feel guilty/whatever? And the cool thing is now that it no longer works, he doesn't try it anymore.)

.

He's not the only one that misses how it use to be sometimes.  Before there were two kids, it was easier to go out and have fun.  I remember who I was when we met.  There are days I wish I could be like that again.  But you're right.  I am a mother and maturing.

There is a grain of truth to both.  I can work on getting past those things, but he makes them sound so sinister.  The things I did in the past were for self preservation and for still being new to dealing with someone like him.  I did a lot of things because I was dealing with personal issues the n and I had just met him.  I wasn't going to tell basically a stranger all of my personal baggage.

 Last night I was trying to keep my spirits light when playing with the kids.  He came in and was in a mood.  Asked about stupid jello cups.  I didn't answer "properly" so he got $hitty and did the whole, you can never answer questions right, it's annoying as hell, I'm not the only one that thinks that.  I just sighed and didn't even argue.  Then he told me to get an attitude and do my eye roll things blah blah.

I don't feel bad about getting an attitude because anyone in my spot would of looked at him like he was being a baby.  Boohoo, where are my jello cups, you were supposed to put then in the fridge.  When I had no idea what he was talking about.

I thought a lot on my own triggers this morning.

I need to bring these up in counseling.  I need to figure a way to remove the trigger of the lying thing.  There is truth behind these lies.  I know why I do them and I am trying to make a conscious effort to stop.  Problem too is when I am not lying, but he is so convinced I am, it's a lose lose situation.  Which I also need to address.

Oh another one is his constant complaint on how I don't answer his questions right or I don't ask the right questions.  It's been an ongoing issue for a long time.  I read older posts and I was talking about it then.

I am going to get an appointment for Wed.  I really individual counseling to get help with dealing with these kinds of issues.

You're making good progress, Frankee.    And you are able to look past a lot of the little stuff and realize that he's acting the way he does because he's struggling with some of his own personal issues and you're not taking it as personally as you previously did. Of course it's still irritating.  :(

What helped me with my "selfish" trigger was to fully accept that it could be true, painful as that was. You might try that with the "liar" trigger. In your defense, it doesn't seem like you constructed elaborate lies--it's just that you weren't telling things as a self-protective mechanism. And if the shoe were on the other foot and you were pressing him for details in the same sort of aggressive manner, he'd likely be doing the same. Most people don't want to be grilled about every little thing by someone who is intent on looking for them to slip up.

This is a great topic to bring up in counseling. Once you can free yourself of this baggage, you'll find it will help you in a variety of contexts.

And he's got a lot of the bully act down--"not answering 'properly" and "get an attitude and do your eye roll"--that's classic bully behavior. It has set you up to be in a self-protective mode, so this is another thing to address in couples counseling.

This needs to be put in context, but for a while FF actually lied as well.

When BPDish stuff showed up... .it was so new... so strange and demanded answers so quickly that some of the lies were almost reflexive (certainly not thought through)

So... .let's assume there is a woman in church and my wife accuses me of doing the nasty with her  in the church parking lot... .you know... .helping her hit the high notes for the choir.

Well... .it would be so preposterous that I would blurt out something like "I don't know anything about her... .or some such thing like that."  Then... my wife might find out that I actually had talked to her or served with her in some way at church.  

Well... .the words I used "technically" created a lie, because I did actually know something about the lady and I was actually too scared to say what I wanted to say which was "I'm scared of telling you what I know because you are nuts... "

Yet... .my wife did "catch me" in a lie.  

Well... .as I matured and understood more, I've morphed to a "honest" answer... ."blah blah blah... .the college cheerleaders were neekkid with you in our 15 passenger van... .and you were happy about it"

So... .I now answer "I'm not comfortable discussing that right now... .(perhaps offer later)".  

I'm also speaking things that are actually "authentic" to my feelings... .

Anyway... .looking back it was a surprising hard "habit" to break (the lying... not the cheerleaders... .they just called... gotta go)

FF

I had a thought on the "not answering questions properly" issue. I know you're no pushover, Frankee, but it seems like in the past, that remark from him would get you into JADE territory. Now, it's good that you're ignoring it.

I've developed a strategy that I sometimes use when my husband has gotten annoyed with me for "answering a different question" than what he asked. I think you have to have the ability to have a really good poker face to pull this one off... .

So I'll say, "OK, let me understand this. You asked me XYZ and apparently I didn't answer the way you thought I should. What am I missing here?"

And he'll try and explain exactly what it is that he wanted me to say. And I continue to play dumb and ask, "So you're telling me that the answer I gave was incorrect? Can you tell me how I could have said it better?"

Basically my strategy is to act curious, kinda oblivious as to what he wanted, interested, and to keep asking questions and saying, "I'm not sure I get exactly what you're wanting. How can I say this so you get that I understand what you're after?" It will get kinda ridiculous and in the process, he generally sees that he's being kind of a jerk and impatient as well. And I just stay centered and keep my poker face on and just ask for more information so that I can do it better the next time.

Usually he gets so bored with the process, he gives up. And it makes it less likely that he will do that in the future, because he sees that I'll get down in the weeds with him on details, but at the same time, I'm apparently trying to be better. And by me being curious, wanting to be "helpful" and looking for a better way to respond to him, there's no room for him to get angry with me and the anger that he has, he realizes is his own impatience and critical attitude.

I am going to have to remember with this approach is it will piss him off.  He will say I know what I am doing, don't play dumb, I know what he asked, etc.

I am currently feeling miffed.  In the last 12 hours, I have gotten blamed for some pretty heavy stuff that I am not doing on purpose.  Yet of course, he thinks I am.  We almost got into this morning when our toddler woke up in the middle of the night.  He screamed at me for letting him sleep to long during the day.  Then I messed up saying he didn't need to be at our appt Thurs, when he did and it got everything pushed back.

I am tired today.  I know I should wake up the toddler so he goes to bed tonight, but I am enjoying the quiet.  Dealing with my bph and his blame placing today added with little sleep is wearing me down.  I know I am off balance today, so hopefully I will be able to apply the tools.  Wish me luck. 

Yeah, it certainly could backfire.

The issue here is that he puts you on the defensive and treats you like a district attorney cross-examining an uncooperative witness. That shows an imbalance of power.

Add to that, the blaming about things not being the way he wants. Even if your toddler slept less during the day, he could still wake up in the middle of the night with a tummy ache or after a bad dream.

And everyone makes mistakes now and then. Doesn't he mess up sometimes? Of course, telling him won't make anything better, but I want you not to internalize these unkind remarks.

It's hard when you hear this type of constant criticism not to accept some of it. I know because I lived with that from my BPD mother and my first husband and it totally gets under your skin. But the reality is that they: 1. Need someone to blame and 2. Feel bad about themselves so it goes back to #1 and that's you. 

So, getting back to triggers. The fewer you have, the less you're bothered by this crap. And I must mention that being sleep deprived certainly leaves us with less resources to draw from.

If you can, take a nap today and recharge your batteries, Frankee.   

Luckily I skated through yesterday without too much trouble.  My youngest woke up again at 3:30am.  It has now been 6 hours and he is going like a sugar crazed gremlin. 

I kind of lost my sanity last night.  He threw a fit because he wanted to watch TV.  I said no, my bph said just give it to him, we're not the only ones that are in the house, and he's going to wake his brother. 

Around 4am, I go to the bathroom and he asks from the room if I am all right.  I said, not really.  And I'll will be d@mned he said... .I told you about those long naps.  I think my eye started twitching.  I opened my mouth and was about to tear him a new one.  I stopped.  It wasn't worth it.  I did kind of do this hair pulling, screaming into a pillow thing.

I am going to make the changes that I need to in order to nip this TV watching habit in the butt.  Going to include fit throwing, which my bph can't stand.  I am going to try to keep everything in the back of my mind tonight.  I already know it's not going to be pretty.

Good work controlling your exasperation! You're sleep deprived and have been dealing with so much, but you're looking at the bigger picture and see that it was more important to keep your composure than react. 

I was just talking to a work colleague who understands my situation and describing when I first went to couples counselling after my W called for a separation... ."I was emotionally dysregulating as much as a pwBPD would. I was suicidal, could hardly sleep, lots 2 stone, hardly ate, was jumpy and in a terrible place"... .my point here is that we too dysregulate under sleep deprivation, stress, emotional trauma and constant anxiety of dealing with the madness of a pwBPD. It all takes it's toll.

I was a reactive-non... .  :hi:

Think it finally crashed.  My bph came home for lunch. 

I was laying down and he called me.  I was groggy and kind of out of it. He said something and was like, why are you getting an attitude.  (Really $hitty tone). I told him I am really tired and don't feel well.  He asked why.  I said I have been up with the youngest since 3:30am.  He pops off with the whole b$ about how I let him sleep like 6 to 7 hours a day.  I was dumbfounded but let it go.

I go down to the truck to bring a sandwich.  He gets this look of "what the heck is your problem".  Next thing I know he's telling me I never once said I wasn't feeling well.  My jaw dropped.  I said yes I did.  That just blows up, horribly. 

Next thing I know we are going at it bad.  He insists I never once said I wasn't feeling well on the phone because he would of asked me if I was okay.  I replied, that's why I got so upset because I told you and it was brushed off after you got a $hitty attitude with me. 

Anyways, sleep deprivation got the best and I went crazy lady.  There was no tool applying.  I behaved pretty terrible.  I know I could have subsided, but I kind of lost my mind.  I know I could have handled it better, but I got so fed up with him doing the "you think you told me when you didn't" cr@p on me.  It was a pretty stupid fight.  He wants me to be open and honest, but stuff like this makes it real hard.

I also wanted to mention it got physical.  No punches or anything.  I tried to walk past him and he did this push with a closed fist thing and I think my survival instincts took over.  I smacked at him.  Then he grabbed at me to calm me down and I started fighting him.  He threw me on the bed.  I know he was trying to stop me, but I was just in serious self protection mode that I started trying to kick him off me. 

Looking back at the situation.  I know I did that because of what he has done in the past.  I've reached a point where I no longer allow any indication that he is trying to get physical and I just automatically fight back.

I sit here crying about it.  I want to get better, but I think there is a deep seeded resentment.  I literally just went into fight mode without even thinking about it.  I know I am stronger for being able to do that, but it scares me at the same time.  Then he tries to make me feel crazy and saying that was not normal.

Good stuff to bring up in therapy, Frankee.      You are sleep deprived and have a heavy load of resentment toward him, and lots of that is well deserved. A big issue is that he's going District Attorney on you--questioning you and trying to prove things that you know aren't true.

Part of the problem is that you two have a history of physical violence. Once that door has been opened for the first time, it's much easier to open it again at the slightest escalation. As you know, that's dangerous. You don't want to do that, but you're not at your best when you're sleep deprived and as you said, you automatically fought back.

He's putting the blame on you for that, when wasn't it him that originally crossed that threshold some years ago? Of course you cannot say that to him, but remember that you didn't start the physical stuff at the beginning, so don't take on the shame when he accuses you of that. He did his share of physical stuff just now by grabbing you and throwing you on the bed instead of walking away from a fight. So it's not all you.   

Cat

I know that i changed as a person during the 2 years with uBPDexgf. For the first 6 months i was completely golden. She would shout and scream about anything and everything and i would be completely calm and just tell her i loved her. It took 6 months for me to react. I started by retreating emotionally when she had said something horrible often for weeks at a time then i would blow up over something insignificant and it would all come out. She would then say that my inability to communicate was our biggest problem and her behaviour was seen as insignificant in comparison. This continued for well over a year.
She was incredibly self centred and thoughtless and inconsiderate that i then started blowing up myself i think in an attempt to balance the narrative of our relationship. I felt that i had to fight and shout and scream to be considered and heard. Obviously it didn't work. During this time i was a complete dick at times. I said and did things that i am incredibly ashamed of. She would invite her family and friends around to our new house to see it but usually when i wasn't there. This made me feel that i wasn't being considered and i would shout and scream that it was our house and she should invite people around when i am there too. I became incredibly jealous of her past and especially her ex which is crazy as he lived in another continent and they hadn't seen each other for 7 years and had NC. It seems silly now but it really bothered me then.
I will freely admit that during this 6 months it would have been hard to spot which one of us had BPD. The two hardest things to deal with for me are being discarded but the worst by far is coming to terms with my own behaviour.
She wanted a picture of her and her dad when she was getting married to her ex at her dads funeral. She asked if that was ok and i reacted quite badly. Her dad had just died and thats how i act. I find that very difficult to deal with. She had in the past compared me unfavourably to her ex so he became a trigger but i don't think i will ever forgive myself for what i did.
So is it possible to become like you pwBPD. I think so. They are experts at finding your triggers or weaknesses and exploiting it and it can be relentless. In just over two years i felt completely broken at every level. I had nothing left to give and no longer recognised myself. My relationship raised so many issues within me that i am now in therapy to not only get over and understand the last two years but also to improve myself and value myself more as a person so thjs never happens again.
As much as i think i became like her and displayed BPD like traits the one area where there is an obvious difference is that i carry this shame and guilt with me. i recognise my own behaviour and am dealing with it. She believes the break up was all my fault. She takes no responsibility for it at all, she can't even see most of her own behaviour and actions and if she can she did it because i made her act like that. This is a big difference i think.

I was feeling better today.  Even felt better after my Counseling. 

My bph started grilling me when I told him there was no charge.  It's because of a federal grant for abuse vicitms.  He said I would of had to say I was an abuse vicitm to get it.  Which I am.  From him and my ex.  I told him it was because of my ex.  But I never told my bph about physical altercations I had with my ex.  He got upset because I could tell a strange but not him.  I wanted to blurt out it's because she's never treated or talked to me the way you have.  I kept it to myself though.

It went back to how I don't ever answer his questions right, how I was dodging the question which was what did I tell them about him.  Is because I got the grant because of him.  How he said something about being careful what I tell these people.  He was scared someone was going to show up an arrest him.  I told him about $hit with me ex which I never wanted to tell him.  He gets angry because I couldn't trust him and how it isn't a big deal.

He may not claim to remember the cruel things he said when first starting his meds, but I think he remembers some.  He said really horrible about me doing things with my ex.  Told me I helped him escape the law and said some pretty graphic stuff that it's probably to explicit even for here.

It may be a trigger.  But how do you not get triggered when a loved one tells you that you want to get back with your way who molested his daughter and family trip was I so I could go back and #*-¢ him.  Among other really just unbelievable cruel.  Then just now tells me that maybe I got to see some of his true feelings.

I am trying to take my part of blame, but this.  I am not going to accept this $hit he is trying put on me.

Grilling me.  Pressing me for details or an omission of something $hitty I said about him.  How he never talks bad about me in his aeasions which I bet is a load of ©rap.

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