BPDFamily.com

My now ex girlfriend/partner and I have been together for over 12 years. We've never been in a major fight , never broke up or separated, genuinely enjoy each other's company and like doing things together still after all these years. There's so much love and support for each other in all of our achievements - personally and professionally. During our time together, we've moved to multiple cities together and been through a lot of transitions along the way. During this time, I was the main caretaker and financial support.

I've supported her through job transitions and ultimately graduate school. I thought our relationship was the real deal and wanted to do all of this support for her because I loved her and wanted her to grow and thrive and be happy.

About 5 years ago, she asked me to marry her. I said yes but wanted to give her a proposal because she's the type of girl that wants that fairy tale romance. Then all of these life changes put it on the back burner for me as I navigated moves and jobs to try to adjust to new environments. I also don't need a "marriage" to be committed to someone and show that commitment and love. I thought I showed that with my day-to-day support (financial and emotional) and love. These life moves (job and cross country moves) took a lot out of me and I was trying to survive those (there were about 3 of them in a short time frame).

During our relationship, she would exhibit BPD behavior - never officially diagnosed by her therapist but my therapist mentioned it along with NPD to me several times but I was in denial. It mostly came in the form of anger, tantrums, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance. She would tell me she had suicidal ideation sometimes and that really affected me. Over the years, she mentioned not being engaged a bunch of times but I was trying to breathe and adjust to the new environments and I guess I didn't make it a priority because I didn't need it. I also would get close to getting engaged but then there would be some behavior that would happen that would make me postpone it.

Now that my life is somewhat calm, I started to work on myself and wanted to differentiate my emotions from hers because it was too entangled and I was confused what was my feelings vs hers. I didn't want her feelings to influence me or how I react to things anymore. I felt like I lost myself in the relationship and I wanted to regain that as well as learn tools to better understand how to deal with certain situations - tantrums and suicidal ideation. But I ultimately wanted to marry her and couldn't see my future without her. It's always been her at the end - which is why I did everything I did over the years to support her/us.

Early this year, she exploded on me a few times - deep anger/rage - about not being engaged. She got fixated on not having a ring. We started going to couples therapy to talk about it. I felt I needed a safe place to discuss this with an educated third party that can help navigate the conversation and diffuse anything that may come up because obviously this is a heated subject for her. I wanted a place where my feelings wouldn't be negated and that I felt heard. This couples therapist wasn't great and actually did more harm than good. I wasn't heard or validated and my partner did a good job of manipulating the therapist to think we weren't on the same page. I found a new one that is an LMFT and partner reluctantly agreed to go to her even though she thought she had all of the answers she needed.

The new therapist is great and started to help us both understand each other's point of view. During these weeks I apologized genuinely for not proposing during those years and how much the moves/transitions affected me. But I deeply meant what I said and that I wanted to marry her even though I personally don't need it. It came up in therapy that she needed marriage/engagement to feel safe and secure. That's something I can't relate to but I like to think I have always done a decent job of empathizing with her feelings - probably to a fault.

Progress was being made - we weren't leaving therapy mad at each other, we loved each other, discussed how commitment looks different to us but we're on the same page, talked about how everything I did for those 12 years showed commitment and how I was looking at the relationship as if I were already married, etc.

During the sessions though, she would still flip the script - deflecting thoughts around her addiction and/or behavior associated with addiction and putting the focus onto something that I did - even though it may have been something so small. Anything to get the attention off of her. It seems she saw me working on myself as an attack against her but that's not my intention. I was working on myself to be better for us and her in the long run. I wanted to be healthy going into a marriage and be my best self. She said I was calling out her shortcomings but I wasn't. I was trying to focus on me and a part of that was detaching my emotion from hers.

We had a good session one week - felt like we were in a good place. The next week she was going to visit her friend out of state on a solo trip. The first part of that trip was normal - we talked via text and occasional phone calls. Sent each other cute pictures and messages saying we missed each other and just notes to let each other know we were on each other's minds. Then as the trip came to an end, things started to feel weird and awkward - fewer text messages, no calls, more one word answers, fewer cute messages. I tried not to read into it. Then I drove to pick her up at the airport. She smiled and hugged me but I could tell something was off. The car ride was awkward. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing but I knew something was up. She told me not to read into it. Then we got home and I saw her texting with her friend she just visited - with a message that said "are you ok?". The night was tense, she wasn't really talking to me. Said she smoked some pot and drank while she was there and to not read into it she's just tired. The next day she had her therapist appointment. Before she left, I asked her if she still wanted to be with me and she said it's not that easy and that she's not ready to talk about it yet. She came back and said can we talk tonight and she went to work. That night she sat down and said I mean so much to her but she wanted to end the relationship. That we're not on the same page. One minute she's saying how much she wants to marry me, then she's saying the relationship ran its course. She was being so ambivalent. I was in shock and crying asking her to not give up on me and us and that I wanted the same thing as her - marriage but we were just taking different ways to get there.

We went to bed in separate rooms that night. The next day we went to therapy after work. I guess I thought we could fix it with the help of the therapist since this felt out of nowhere. She went into therapy with the same mindset and repeated what she said the night before. I was in shock. The therapist asked her if this is what she really wanted and she said well I'm not so sure when she's sitting right next to me. Then she would repeat that we weren't on the same page. I tried to explain that it wasn't true but the therapist said that my partner wasn't able to see or hear me right now. Her mind was made up. I asked if it was a break up or a trial separation. She scoffed at me and said what's the difference? I got my answer.

I lost it - I was crying, in shock, shaking, staring. I couldn't believe this was the end of our story and how easily it seemed she was giving up. I even asked her if I imagined the progress we were making in therapy and she said "we were making progress". She's such a black and white thinker - absolutely no gray.

That night, she went to our house and took some stuff and stayed somewhere else. I haven't seen her since.

I am completely blindsided and beyond hurt.

I am abandoned, betrayed and in complete disbelief.

A few days later she asked to stop by to get a few things including one of our dogs. I made sure I wasn't home for that. Then I came home and most of her clothes were gone, shoes gone, dog gone.

I sent her an email that day about logistics and financial stuff because I didn't want to completely leave her hanging financially since I'm the main financial support. I mentioned that I wanted her to move her stuff out in a few weeks. She said no problem that she'd like to do it next weekend (3 days total)

She moved out but left some toiletries in her bathroom, some random clothing, her toothbrush, dvds, etc. Little things to remind me.

We haven't seen each other or talked to each other other than about 2 logistics emails and 3 text messages where I responded with as limited words as possible.

She reached out to me yesterday to see if she could pick up some more things. I responded that I noticed she left some stuff behind and that I'll box it up and get it to her. If she'd like anything specific to let me know.

I am in total shock and trying hard to do behavior changes and say no to her sometimes.

This is beyond heartbreaking and I can't believe this is my life. I find myself blaming me because I don't have any answers or closure so the only thing that makes sense is something that I could've or should've done different. I keep spiraling and going round and round.

I can't believe she threw away our relationship - all those years of love and support. How can she do it and do it so easily when all I want is her to come back?

Is it a lost cause?

Am I handling this right?

Any advice is appreciated.

metootoo,
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  12 years of relationship is a lot, and having the end come suddenly when you thought you were making progress would be excruciating.

Unfortunately it only takes one person to break a relationship.  It doesn't have to be "the end" if both parties are willing to reconcile, but there is little you can do to rebuild the relationship until/unless your xGF decides she is willing to re-enter it. 

What you CAN do is work on is trying to understand the dynamics that were in play in your relationship and be ready to communicate more effectively with her if she decides to open those lines of communication back up. 

Have you had time to take a look at some of the tools on this site?  I think the link below might add to what you were probably learning in your T appointments. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Do you have any indication from her that she might be willing to explain what led to her decision to leave, even if she's not really open to returning?

BeagleGirl 

BeagleGirl,

Thanks for the quick reply.

It's all so sudden - it's only been a little over two weeks since all of this happened. She moved out so quickly so honestly I'm just trying to survive the process.

Not sure if it would be more harmful to reach out for questions. It seems like she was expecting me to run after her (like I've always done in the past in smaller scenarios to fix the situation) but I didn't so I think she's probably having an angry moment. I also said no to her coming back to the house to get smaller things because I couldn't do the back and forth little trips. I need to protect myself right now and I can't have that keep happening. This whole experience has been a total behavior change for me and it's so hard.

The therapist asked her if she would be open to coming back if I had questions but like I said I don't know if that's more harm than good. I was in shock when she answered but I believe she said yes.

Is zero contact the best way to go?

Thanks for that link, I'll be sure to take a peek at that and other things on the site.

Appreciate it!

metootoo

Metootoo,

We tend to refer to zero contact as "no contact" or NC.  It's a communication restriction that is sometimes employed and supported over on the "Detaching" board.  For those looking to better or regain a relationship with their pwBPD it's probably not a very constructive approach. 

That doesn't mean that your pwBPD should be able to communicate with you whenever and however she wishes.  I think you're setting a good boundary by saying that she can't come in and out of your home and life to retrieve items whenever she wishes.  It's been over a year since my dBPDxh moved into his own place and 3 months since our divorce was final and today he sent a friend over to get something from my place.  I've fully  "detached" but it was still disruptive to my day and my emotions.  If there were any question of reconciliation I think it would be pretty tortuous.  What I have been advised to do (I've been procrastinating because I've been dealing with a lot of other stuff) is to move all of his belongings or anything I wouldn't mind him having into a single location and give him a date/time when he can remove those items.  If your ex doesn't have that many things remaining at your place it might be feasible for you to box them and mail them.
I personally feel that this is a good idea whether you want to renew the relationship or not. 

There is the larger question of whether you want the relationship back.  That is NOT a question you have to answer at this moment.  A lot can change with a single conversation, in either direction.  It's very normal to be in "survival mode" after the hurt you've suffered.  I think now is a good time to practice good self care: healthy levels of sleep, eating, and exercise, and finding activities that bring you joy.  That self care will put you in a good position to make clearheaded decisions.

It's also a good time to learn.  There are lots of resources on this site, but I think the best one is the discussion that happens on these message boards.  Often reading the things others are posting and even responding to them can bring clarity to your own situation.  I know it did for me.

Are there any burning questions you are facing right now?

BG