BPDFamily.com

Woke up this am (after very little sleep) just feeling sad about all that is going on and has gone on.  Between my husband dealing with or starting to deal with BPD and also feeling that our 30 year old daughter has BPD this has been alot to digest.  Our daughter has been out of work for several months and refuses any suggestions from us.  I realize it her life but, boy, it is hard to watch her struggle and weighs on me.

My husband is experiencing severe anxiety and has some kind of rash all over his body, which I think is stress related.  He has been to dermatologist a couple of times and they have not been able to give him a definitive answer for what it is.

I have one bump on a finger that looks similar and he is very nervous about it this am, which now causes me to wonder what it is. 

My 'helper' mentality is overwhelming me as I want everyone in our family to do well.

Thank you for letting me getting my thoughts out this am.  Even though I have a therapist and a couple of friends, sometimes this site feels like the only resource I have that is really helpful.

Hi lonely in co,

I'm so sorry to hear you are having a hard day. It is a lot to take in! Some days I feel like various parts of my body are breaking down, and aging sure brings on a lot of... .let's say, funny new developments all over!

But, here you are! You don't have to help anyone right now! How about having some tea, and maybe listening to some calming music? Or doing something that makes you feel just a little lighter?  I find laughing and comedy always helps restore me.

May I recommend a few moments at least of deep breathing? Breathing in good, healing energy, and letting go, breathing out your problems. Nice and easy.

Any chance you could arrange some time with a friend this week?

Glad you are here with us and for the chance to be with you at this tough time!    You are not alone!

warmly, pearl.

p.s. and even if you are not codependent (I am not aware if you identify with this concept or not) this reading can just be a helpful reminder about some of the challenge we face with family members with BPD and finding a way to hold onto ourselves and not get too pulled into their problems:  Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0)

The human body does all manner of weird things when it gets out of balance - stress is really good at making it overreact.

Has either of you tried soaking in Epsom salts?  I've been reading a lot fo about various nutritional deficiencies and saw that Epsom can actually help leech some excess toxins from the skin if you soak - this is why people use it for rashes and aches.  For you both, it might serve three purposes - it really does suck a little bit of toxin out of you - good.  It will encourage you to relax for a bit in warm water - good for you, and even if all it is a nice quiet bath, it may have a placebo effect on your H, calming him a bit - good.  We all feel better when we can take action on something, and with things like your concern over your daughter's unemployment, it will give you a small measure of control over your own bodies/life.

You can't fix or help either of them.  You can be there, but you can't get a job for her, or manage either of their emotions.  It makes all of us crazy to try.  Are you supporting her?  How is she getting by with no job?  can you play tough love and tell her no more, she needs to take a part-time job as a waitress or cashier if that's the best she can do, regardless of past work history or education?

Thank you for the replies.  I started to read the info on codependency and immeshment.  I am sure I do more than I should do as far as helping, etc.

Our daughter, I think I am just going to have to let go at this point as far as her outcome with employment.  We are still trying to determine whether or not we should have the conversation with her about BPD, although I already have.  I realize she will not seek help until she wants it.  In some ways it is harder to watch a child stuggle with BPD than a spouse as you have cared for them since the day they were born and would literally walk in front of a mack truck for them.  Tough love is so very hard.

My husband is working hard to be kind toward me and I appreciate it.  Although I also recognize he can only last so long with me before something triggers me and we end up on opposite sides again. 

Just starting to recognize the symptoms and behavior of people struggling with BPD is extremely helpful to me as it helps me to disassociate from them enough to give them space to do their thing and give me space to do my thing.

I am wishing for a few days all by myself at this point!