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It's been a long time since I had a dream of ex wife but last night it was so real it woke me up and I was looking for her, i really thought she was there with me.
   We were holding each other, both so happy to be back in each other's arms, we were kissing and hugging and she looked at me and asked if we could be back together for good. I've been thinking of her a lot lately.
   Last week I broke it off with a woman I've been dating since April. She did some things that raised a red flag for me and I told her that as one of my reasons and I also told her I wasn't willing to let my self have feelings for anyone like I had for ex wife. That could be the root of my dream. I was very in love with ex wife and she treated me like a dog. I sometimes think I'll be alone always and not let my heart get broken ever again.
  Even when the woman I just broke it off with spent the night, I couldn't get far enough away from her in bed, I couldn't hold her. With ex wife everything fit, holding her fit, felt so right, I could smell her sent, I had a rush of love when we made love, our bodies fit together like we were made for each other. Never before or after was I able to smell a woman's sent.

Thanks for the update, bus boy.  I know you thought a lot about this relationship before breaking things off.  But still . . . these things are never easy.  Congrats on finding clarity which can feel like a big deal if you've struggled to separate from someone with BPD.


Would you like to say more about what you meant by not letting yourself have feelings for anyone?  Was it something you said to smooth over the breakup? ("It's not you, it's me.")  Or did you mean it sincerely? 

Do you feel that you are still in love with her?

Sometimes I feel like I am but not like before. I use to be a broken hearted mess but sometimes when I see her feelings stir inside of me. For the most part now I just remind my self of what a sneaky devious lier she is and I loose the love feeling but sometimes it does linger.