BPDFamily.com

Hi! My name is Kobiee and I am new to the BPD family. My wife has been diagnosed with BPD as of January. I have rally just started diving into learning about this disorder as well as learning what I can do to keep myself 'sane'. It has proven harder than I thought. I am looking for support from people who understand what I am going through and have been going through. I try to talk with a couple close friends and have reached out to my mother in specific. I even had her read the first book I read, Stop Walking on Eggshells, in hopes this would help her also understand my wife as well as what I have been going through better. Although this did help for both of us (my mother is very close with my wife as her mother is nearly absent from our lives), I still am looking for someone who is directly "in this" like myself. Just wondering where I should start with really getting into the nitty gritty of managing this disorder and my marriage. Thank you so much!

Hi Kobiee and welcome! You have come to exactly the right place. Here you find a community of people who have been through the same situation as you and can understand and advise you on a deeper level.

I'd say you are ahead of the game on two levels: your wife has a diagnosis, and you've already reached out to family. For some members (like myself), its years of enduring the pain alone before we ever tell someone.

My first suggestion for here would be to start posting on other members' threads to get some context on your own situation and well as checking out the tools on the right  |--->

May I ask what events led to your wife getting a BPD diagnosis? What are your currently doing to care for yourself?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Hi Rolandofeld!

I would not say it has all been recent. In the beginning of our relationship things were "normal". I would say for the first year. Then we moved into an apartment together and she started drinking more and all kinds of other things started happening. I thought it was simply because of her stressful job (which after much convincing and ultimatums) she finally left. Her family drinks a lot so she has always been around it. As the years went on and our life kept moving forward (buying a house, getting a dog together, getting engaged) our life went up and down. Like any other couple we had good times and bad; but unlike other couples the bad times were not the generic illness or financial ruts etc. We ended up getting married and here we are a year and a few months later. I spent the first 4 months of our marriage wondering if I had made a huge mistake because things were so difficult.

In January my wife overdosed on her medications and drank heavily during the day. We were arguing the evening before and the morning after we tried to resolve the argument and she said she needed some space and time to think. She was going to the park to read. I did not hear from her for hours, then she finally came home almost incoherent and smelling of alcohol.  I tried to keep things light so I could keep her home, safe and get her to sleep. I went to the bathroom and she flew out of the house into her car. She nearly ran me over as I tried to stop her. She left and I called everyone I could think of that she would talk to other than me to find her when finally my boss texted saying she was at her house and acting strange and wanting to spend some time with the children I nanny. We combined forces and got her home safely as to which I called an ambulance because by this time she was threatening suicide and my previous family had called to say she also was asking to stop over and see the kids. She went to CPEP for the night and had a BAC of 4.0. Upon finding her medications she had taken close to 30 pills on top of the alcohol. The entire experience was a nightmare to say the least. The next day I frantically called places to get her a same day appointment with a behavioral therapist. We went together and by the end of the time spent there she was easily diagnosed.

She has been going monthly to her therapist and we have had some "relapses" if you will but nothing as bad as January. We came close in May, but luckily survived it. Her biggest downfall is drinking. It is a quick coping mechanism for her but does not mix with her medications. I need to find a local specialist because although she is seeing a behavioral therapist they are not a specialist in BPD. So therefore upon reading books I don't think she is on the right medications. Also upon reading the books I have read I have made sense of everything about our relationship after the first year. It literally has all come full circle and I cannot believe we got this far without a diagnosis!

As for myself, I spend my days trying to keep her alive and safe. Healthy and happy. Which has been tearing my apart because I nanny children all day so it is like I am never truly off the clock. I recently started running. I am aiming to complete a half marathon. It is on my bucket list to do and with everything going on since January, it is the only time I have for ME. I also have started a little journaling.  I'm sure there should be something else I can or should be doing but I haven't figured that out yet as so much of my time is spent caring for my wife.

Please. Help.

Hi Kobiee,

I'd like to also welcome you! And echo what Roland of Eid has said in that you actually have quite a lot going for you!

Many of us have partners who are undiagnosed and just respond to the behaviors not quite sure if we are even on track.

I am also seriously impressed by how quickly you got medical care set up! In the part of the world I am in things move so slowly, and people are always on vacation, you just wait and wait to the point of desperation for help.

It's also great that you got your mom to read that book! Very thoughtful and compassionate of you!

Is she seeking any treatment for the drinking?

Is anyone able to help you with the kids a bit? Your mom perhaps?

Please stick around. In time you will see stories with experiences similar to yours and it can really help ground you. I'm in that same boat, it gets hard to hold onto reality with so much turmoil going on!

wishing you the best, pearl.

Kobiee my heart really goes out to you. Drinking has always been a big part of my wife's disorder but never to the degree you described. And the fact that it came over to your work, that's just horrible.

My guess is that this was your "watershed event". I think we all have one, that episode that's just reality bending in how awful it is and makes us face the full gravity of the situation. Some good usually comes from these events but the emotional toll is very heavy.

Since your wife's problem has interfered with your work (your livelihood) my first suggestion would be to cordon off as much of your life as possible from your wife's disordered behavior. I don't know how much your boss gleaned from this episode but you might do best to explain about her condition and how you will do your best to not let it effect your work again. I did this recently when my company wanted to send me to the UK on a biz trip but I was too anxious about what might happen. I opened up to my director and it felt much better to be honest instead of making up excuses like I did at my last job. I am also honest about when I need to make doctors appointments and things like that. Better they know the truth than think I'm weird.


Kobiee, you are clearly a truly caring and compassionate person. But I must say the only possible way you can do the above is if you are the above yourself, namely alive, safe, happy, and healthy. If you are not, then taking care of her will be the equivalent of trying to carry her with broken legs. In the end both of you will collapse.

At some point your wife will have to take some degree of responsibility for her condition. I help my wife by staying educated, supportive, and accommodating her unique way of communicating where I can. But everything else, namely taking her medication, seeing the therapist, and working on her behavior, is all on her.

Seconding pearls' suggestion that you will absolutely need some kind of a support system, your mother being an excellent start. Besides emotional support, in what ways do you think she can help?

~ROE