BPDFamily.com

 My fiancee, we were engaged originally in Dec 2017, has repeatedly broken the engagement, for little things like this last time I did not answere her txt mssg in a reasonable time. I was driving and refuse to txt until safe. Now she had loaded my phone with abusive txts, and cursing and name calling, then changed her number, so I could no longer talk or txt her about 1 wk ago.
She aways is very crictlcal, and treats me with comtempt, and projects. In this last example, she did not answere my first txt in more than 8 minutes and blames me for not answering in a timely manor. Breaking an engagement over a txt mssg? I'm very hurt and

Hi Bittlecat,

*welcome*

I am sorry to hear what you have been going through. I can relate. I've had my SO try to end our "marriage" via email and text. It's a pretty lousy feeling, I agree!

Do you expect to her to try to reach out to you at some point? Is that her typical pattern? Or do you typically chase her? (We don't recommend that you chase by the way, though I get the urge to do so.)

Does she have a lot of the BPD symptoms?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Have been there as well, was engaged in December 2017 and she broke it off this month so I can relate.  In my case she ended it because of a multitude of different reasons but, like yours, pretty insignificant.  

In my experience, no matter how petty it seems to you, for them the reason is valid and huge.  Personally I would not have any contact with this person until there has been sufficient calming down time.

She has changed the number?  Is there anyway for you to contact her in the future?  Is this a relationship you actually want to try and repair?  I only say this because without treatment you will need to have a huge amount of patience and be prepared for some tough times.   Has your partner been diagnosed?  Are you here because what you read about their behaviour resonated with you?

As Pearl says, do you normally chase?  Most of us have and most of us are probably co-dependent or a people pleaser.  For some reason we attract this type of behaviour although I do not want to speak for the members here.

Best wishes... .

She had in the past reached out to me within a week or less, but never changed her number.
I have been advised by her parents to let her contact me, and that she always does. She told me she was diagnosed with bipolar, but my counselor, we were seeing him as a premarital , showed me this website and so far it fits our relationship almost perfectly. So, I just sit and wait? I know it will be a rough road ahead, but with support and help, I think we can make it.

Thanks Pearlsw and coastered for your replies.

Hi Bittlecat,
We understand how agonizing and incomprehensible this sort of behavior is.   And with BPD partners, we have to come to expect that their behavior won’t make sense at times. Have you taken a look at the sidebar? There are a lot of tools that will help you defuse some of these issues in the future.

Please tell us more about your fiancée, how you got together, and what sorts of issues you’re dealing with.

Cat

That is pretty lousy, tring to end your marriage by email and text? Wow!
After reviewing the information here and in BPDcentral.com, the things I had experienced with my SO, matched almost perfectly!

I met her when I hired a home care agency, for my elderly mother, so she could be cared for 24/7. When I first met her, we can call her J, she was just another caregiver, but she followed through with a health issue my mom was having, calling her health care provider, and finally calling me to get an ok to send her to ER. I sat with J and mom in the ER, and we talked, and well, something clicked, I really liked her!

We texted daily about mom and everything else, and world was great!
We started dating in October, having met in July, and J seemed like the brightest star in sky! I proposed to her in December, at a family Chritmas dinner. Things really went wierd after that, with push/ pull, pull me in for 4 or 5 days, then suddenly would not have anything to do with me for 2 days, then that pattern would repeat each week.

She started turning things black, what I did or said, becoming critical and even full of contempt, and sometimes very abusive verbally. J wanted her way, and if I didn't see things like her, she would threaten me, like she wanted to set a wedding date, to coinside with the purchase of a 450,000 dollar property, with 5 acres and house, out in another city. When that deal fell through we were both relieved, but realized we needed to see a pre marriatal counselor. But even in sessions, she would change things around to make me look like the worst person on earth.

She broke the engagement claiming I was a liar, and she couldn't marry me. She did that in the car as we were parked in front her house, I was stunned and confused, as she got out of the car I prepared to leave, she invited me in her house, and we ate together, but then started putting me down, calling me names, so I got up to leave, and she got all bent out of shape, and couldn't figure out why I was leaving?

One evening after I loaned J my truck, so she could haul some of her stuff to storage, and I asked her to drive it back to my place, and I would drive her back home, she threw her food, and said she would walk home after she left off the truck, stormed out and did just that! J parked the truck, tossed the key in my car, and then ran home, in a heavy rain storm, no coat or shoes! It was about 2.5 miles back to her place. I tried to give her a ride 3 times, and all I got was FU and the finger! J did tear up her bare feet, right down to bones!

 She didn't talk to me for a week, then finally called me and apologized. I had talked to her parents and they remarked that once at their house she wanted to go home and was going to walk the 75 miles to another big city and get a plane home, and started out to do just that!

A couple other times J would get upset that we were not moving fast enough towards marriage, and would break the engagement and tell me we could only be friends after at least 1 or 2 days of not talking to me.

This last time, she accused me of not returning texts in a timely manor, and that I wanted to go back and be with  my ex, instead of her! I have not heard from her for almost 1.5 weeks, this is the longest time away yet.

I had talked to her parents and our counselor, who both told me not to chase her, although I really wanted to talk to her. She called me a AH, and worse for other family members, and told me she was changing her phone number. I haven't tried to contact her.

My mother did pass away on the 7th of July, and we are both grieving a lot over that, I thought maybe that was an issue in our relationship.
We have been through an awful lot together, moms care, moms death and funeral, not to mention all the little things, and some huge ones too! They were going to fire her from her job, because she was dating me, as I was the POA for mom and signed the contracts with the homecare service. I helped get her boss to release her from her and my contract obligations, so she could be hired directly by me as a contractor to care for my mom, at a good deal more money than she was getting.

Its like she forgot all the stuff we went through to get here!
I tried to be there for her,  I've seen her manic side and the depressed side, I never gave up on her, and tried to be there for her at every event. I'm totally baffled, confused and quite depressed, not knowing what to do next, but I still have not given up on her, and want to get back with J, and learn what is the best way to deal with her mental illness, and have been reading and talking to my counselor, researching, and trying to find help. I just can't get her out of my head, she has done so many great things for me, and I'm talking here about the bad stuff, she has been the brightest star in my sky many times!

I had some of the best times of my life with her, and can't forget them.
She is 51 yrs old, and had worked in a state lab, processing blood samples and was forced to retire after 25 yrs on the job. Her pay rate was over 6 ,700 bucks a month, is now retired recieving 3k amonth.

Where do I go from here? I know that the future will be much what I see now, but I don't know if she remains on the lithium and lamictal that was prescribed for her, and also know she will still have episodes while on her meds.
I want to get back with her and learn about her mi, as my ex had a child with an mi, and I learned how to handle that, and used to chapperone "special needs" kids with Special Olympics. It was very satisfying, and felt really good to help kids enjoy life, and I know I can do this too!

The other thing that may help here is that J has been smoking a lot of pot, sometimes every couple of hours all day long. She recently complained she could no longer get high, or high very long and switched to using high THC level pot, and now has started using shatter in her smoke. She does have a history of drug abuse, and alcohol abuse in the past.

So its been 2 weeks and she has mot contacted me as usual. Were do I go from here? I want to restart the relationship, as I have learned a lot, and she may be open to counseling.

Hi Bittlecat,

Sorry for all of the pain and confusion you are experiencing. Many of us have experienced these situations when someone drops out of our lives very suddenly. There is no real formula about what the right thing to do is. There may be some good ideas about what not to do though. 

What did she say when she left? She broke it all off completely? Did she say never to contact her? Has she contacted you at all? How did you know she might be interested in counseling?

It is painful and amazing how our loved ones can dump us so fast out of nowhere! I know this can make us feel like the relationship meant nothing to our partners.

This kind of thing can happen because of the emotional pain they are in. We get tossed overboard to make their load lighter. We are entitled to our own feelings about it though. It is good to depersonalize when you can, but also okay to protect yourself from more of such treatment. These are not easy situations. People with BPD/BPD traits may or may not be able to change, well, any person might or might not be able to change! Change depends on self-awareness and a willingness to seek help.

If you do contact her, be sure to be as low pressure as possible. I wouldn't try to get a big relationship conversation going, just a simple "Hi, hope you are well", something that shows you care kind of thing. Very basic, and low pressure. Then take it step by step after that, but still low pressure. I know it is a bit hard to fathom, and is extremely painful, but in effect your relationship has been taken back down to "0". It might get going again, and that number could rise fast, but keep reading here about push/pull and be prepared for "recycling".

wishing you the best, pearl.

Hey Bittlecat,

When I first met my W she was a bit ganga smoker, that was many years ago now. I think for her it stopped the thinking, stopped the pain and generally left her in a numb state. She mainly drinks to get the same effect now.

My recommendation to you is spend the time wisely. It maybe a week, it maybe a month, it maybe never... .but this is an invaluable opportunity to arm yourself. You have 3 main things to load up on irrespective of whether or not this relationship is salvageable... .

- Your shield - Knowledge and understanding of BPD... .understand the illness, understand how it impacts your fiance, understand how it may impact your life going forwards with her. This will enable you to spot BPDish behaviors and reduce them hurting your relationship.
- Your sword - These are the BPD tools, specifically designed to cut through the behaviours and reduce their impact. Sword might sound aggressive, but in fact many of the tools are defensive designed to help soothe the pwBPD.
- Your helmet - KNOWING YOU is your defense from her BPD behaviours. Many BPD traits manifest themselves in ways that feel like personal attacks, they can be crazymaking and require DEEEEEEEP personal understanding of ourselves to ensure they don't get into our heads. Many people come to the boards totally confused about what is going on, after years of being told they are the broken person they believe it, after years of being told they are failing at the relationship they believe they are the cause. Introspective personal understanding, knowledge of your values and clarity over what happened (including keeping a record) are key to protecting your head.

You will likely have to wait for her to come to you here, but that gives you some time to tool-up so you can make great choices and be the pillar of strength for her if that is what you choose to do... .gavage knowledge

Enabler

She said goodbye AH.

Sent three emojis of the finger and said she was changing her number. Before this she loaded my phone with messages about how I wasn't returning her text messages in a timely manner, and that I had been ignoring her messages, and was "stonewalling".
Said she was breaking off the engagement, because she did not think I really wanted to marry her, only keep her for myself! She said she wanted to move on. Also sent:" if you gave a flip about me, you would text me and return a message right away, or wait for my reply."
She did not say to never contact her, but did say she would change her number, and our counselor let it slip that" she said something about a new phone number".
There has been no contact from her for two weeks.
Because the same counselor "let it slip" that he sent her the same link to BPDcentral.com that he gave me. He also said she had been seeing him and discussing her problems with him in private sessions and was trying to improve, but was upset because I would only discuss our problems in front the counselor.
In my defense, when she gets like that, its a no win. No point in talking to her or explaning,(defending) oneself. She only paints your answeres black any way possible.
My only defense is that, and I told her where I was and what I was doing, is that I went to the gun club to check out a new pistol match, to see if we could participate, if we had the right equipment, and how to coach her for this venue. I can NOT be distracted while in a live fire area, and was not going to respond to her put downs and mean comments.
I do want to thank you, Pearlsw and Enabler, for your responses, as you both have been helpful. I'm going through all the information on this site and reading other posts, finding common ground with many others. THANKS. And the hugs were appreciated!  

Great that you are doing plenty of reading. That's awesome.

How do you think she is feeling having been told that she might have BPD or traits of a personality disorder?

How might that influence her current behaviour and her interactions with you?

FWIW, that isn't a test.

Enabler

Brilliant advice

Wanted to thank Cat Familiar!
While not able to sleep last nite, I got to reading other posts and informative articles and realized that J has told me many times I was to tell our counselor that I had a bad side, and that she wasn't the main cause of all our trouble.
Projecting?
Also having trouble with family and friends, as once they get to know her, they refuse to invite us together, its ok if I come, but not for SO.
J did get upset that I spent more time with my sibling, who we drove 6 hours to visit, then her.
Me, me , me ?

[quote author=Enabler link=topic=328570.msg12996731#msg12996731 date=1535535453

How do you think she is feeling having been told that she might have BPD or traits of a personality disorder?


[/quote]
She has in the past asked to be told when she was doing something I didn't like, and sometimes responds well, and thanks me for it, and other times she "kicks back" and acts upset, but later tries to change.







[/quote]Right now she is going through a depressive episode from her bipolar, she is diagnosed as a rapid cycler, and likely upset and depressed over my moms death, as she did act as caregiver to mom for about a year, so I think that it would only worsen her depression and make her less likely to be able to continue a relationship with me. Emotional overload!Hey Enabler, what did you mean by this comment, as I'm not understanding it!
Thank you for your comments and help!

I was firing questions at you which were quite open ended. I was trying to make sure you knew they were questions designed to get you to think about what is going on with her right now. There was no right or wrong answer but I was encouraging you to get into the BPD mindset.

My thoughts on her being sent this link by the therapist is that it would be pretty tough for her, she knows that she has issues already (maybe with a diagnosis of bipolar that didn't quite fit that well with her), now she's being told that she has this thing called BPD, "I mean how much more broken can I get?". Pushing you away may seem like an obvious solution to reject the problem, deny the problem and be angry. I don't know, I'm not in her head.

Also interesting that you mentioned that you Mother died recently, I'm very sorry to hear that, I lost my father in 2015 and it caused a lot of heartache for me and was one of the catalysts for the demise of my marriage. Deaths are very challenging for people with emotional disorders. They struggle to process every day emotions let alone something as heartbreaking as a death, especially a death of someone they were so close to. Their heightened emotional state, coupled with maladapted ways of coping with those emotions often results in a perfect storm of depression, shame and guilt. I found in my own grief experience the very challenge of my father being sick and dying flew exactly in the face of what was good for my relationship... .I would see my father who was undergoing extensive cancer treatment, this meant W felt abandoned physically. I was sad and depressed and spent a good amount of time reflecting and ruminating about my father, this made my wife feel emotionally abandoned. I was more irritable and tired, meaning my reactivity to my wife and children was greater. Rather than being her emotional caretaker, I wanted to be cared for. I became narcissistic in my pursuit of the emotional care and attention I thought I was due (and in a normal relationship it would be reasonable to expect) but wasn't getting. My protests stimulated her shame and guilt sensitivities... .I hope you can see how it's like a domino effect, rather than binding together a relationship in times of grief, it tends to explode the relationship as normal forces work against each other... .the more support I needed, the further away she wanted to be.

To an extent, to understand is to wipe the slate clean and start with a new understanding of how this relationship works, because it will be like no other.

Enabler

Hey Enabler
Thank you for your reply and good insights. Looks like I have alot of work ahead me!
This morning I'm in tears, and unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel!
I did take 3 different tests online for depression, 2 were from this website, I said moderate to severe, 1 said moderate and 1 put me in the severe category.
Today I'm going to a nuero surgeon to get information on spinal surgery from an injury caused by or made worse by being struck by a car as a pedestrian, and pinned betwen two vehicles about 20 yrs ago, and things have deteriorated badly, to the point where walking a km is extremely painful.
I ran my own business doing construction., remodels and coatings and that, at which I was hands on, and did a lot of work, tossing around ladders and equipment, 5 gal buckets of paint like nothing, now its hard to pick up a gallon of milk. J was supposed to be here to help at this appointment, and now I feel abandoned, and alone.
Yeah, I'm whining here, but I lost, and not in order of importance, in the last three years, my dad, mom, 2 close friends, a 30+ yr relationship, 3 pets, my performance car that I hunted for 2 years and finally found, was pummeled by 2 inch diameter hail, and while fully insured, its never going to be the same. And now my fiancee is not speaking to me! My siblings know about J and her problems and mostly are unsupportive. My counselor has said I dodged a bullet and need to get out of the relationship. I have one tiny bright spot, my kitty, comes to me everytime I'm down or crying. I am confused, depressed, overwhelmed, scared and feeling like hurt, both physical pain great emotional distress, maybe I'm broken too. Maybe I'm BPD as well.

Bittlecat,

You are emotional and have very good reason to be emotional. I am in no position to judge whether or not you have BPD or not, one thing I would say is that a personality disorder tends to be a life long disorder impacting multiple elements of your life over many many years. Having a heightened emotional state results in certain behaviours which are relatively predictable, we all do these things. They are hardwired into a brains as the fight or flight responses. What I'm saying is that most people act in a BPDish way when they are at the emotional limits. The thing about pwBPD is that they spend a lot of their time at these emotional limits despite there being no real reason for them to be emotional. That's a long list of bad stuff there and even the strongest of characters may find themselves in the negative spiral of depression.

Great you're seeing the surgeon, tackling and coming up with solutions to problems helps chip away at what might seem like a mountain in front of you. Small victories can be a great moral boost and before you know it, you'll have climbed out of the hole you're in. With depression, there's often a tendancy to look at the mountain as a whole and say, there is no possible way I can get over that. Stop looking at the mountain, look 10m up and that can be your first target. You aim is to see the surgeon... .THE END. Once you see the surgeon, then decide what the next near milestone is. Little by little. If something seems rubbish and depressing, re-frame it such that it looks a little bit better or is an opportunity rather than a set-back.

You'll get there stud.

Enabler

I understand the term "push/pull", but what is" recycling"?
Before much of this happened, she spent 3 weeks with me at my house, only leaving for an occasional night to take care of her place and her critters, bringing stuff over from her house to make herself comfortable here. Then suddenly turned irritable, agruementive, and downright mean. Then came the push away.
Thank you all for your help 

Hi Bittlecat,

Enabler is offering you some great ideas and support here! I just wanted to echo the concern for your physical ailments. I know it is not easy to face such things alone when you had expected to have someone by your side. But you are precious and taking care of your body is vital to having the best life you can so please keep giving it your all!   Let us know how things develop!

You have lost a lot it sounds like. I know how painful that can be.   But you deserve happiness.   It takes time, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and will you find your way back to a better place.

I think "recycling" refers to a relationship going over and over the same ground. It starts, it ends, it is brought back, but the same dysfunctional issues are embedded in it.

Are you seeking any treatment for your depression? Is that something you can put front and center?

wishing you good health, pearl.

Hey Pearlsw
Yes, I am seeing a counselor with State Hospice concerning grief and depression, as well as seeing the counselor from CCS, that J and I were going to before we were to get married, about BPD issues and depression.

I did go to talk to the surgeon about my health issues and a plan was presented to do spinal injections and physical therapy first, if that doesn't help, then he does have surgery as an option, micro surgery, with only 1 or 2 days of down time, but of course more physical therapy.

Thank you so much for your time and comments, it feels so good to know someone cares!
And thanks for the hugs!  
One of the reasons my ex and I broke up, was the complete lack of intimacy, no sex, no holdind hands, not even sitting close or a touch. Nothing! I never heard an "I love you" or "I care" from her in the last 10 years! She slept in a seperate bed in a seperate room. I had made a commitment to her and tried to keep it, but after crying myself to sleep at night, I was at the end of my rope. I literaly begged her to go to counseling, but she refused. I don't know why I wasted 10 years of my life with my ex!
When J came along, we enjoyed each others company and intimacy was super!
Its going on 3 weeks and I have not heard from J, but had considered your advice, and thought sending her favorite flowers, red roses and white calli lillies, along with a note asking how she was, but have not done it yet, fearing that might just make things worse, but I really miss the company, and yes, the intimacy.
Thanks again
Bittlecat

Hey Enabler,
Wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss of your father! And thanks for sharing that! I'm also sorry to hear... .Er read that precipitated the problems with your W.

Thank you for the words of encouragement, I did see the surgeon, as I wrote to Pearlsw.
 I'm trying to keep my head up and go forward, one tiny step at a time, and to read others are having similar problems and to know that there is support, makes this whole thing a little easier. Thanks
Bittlecat

Hi Bittlecat,

Just for clarification, can you explain why the counselor sent both you and J to this site?

Also, if I may, I'd like to circle back to some of your earlier description of things and talk about care taking in this and in your last relationship.

I'd also like to share a few readings for you, if you'd like:

Supporting Your BPD Partner (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0)

Being An Emotional Caregiver (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=173897.0)

Would you say you have issues with "codependency" perhaps?

While it is good to want to support our partners, it is important that we not go too far in this regard, to the point we become so self-sacrificing that our needs disappear.

Are you working with your therapist on how to establish more healthy relationships? On grief? Or?

wishing you the best, pearl.

As I think about it, he did not send me to this site, he sent a PDF of the article from Going Bonkers, "I hate you---don't leave me" and from that I found the other sites. He did say that he sent the same article to J, but I'm unaware if she went into either BPDcentral.com or bpdfamily.com.My ex and I seperated after she took out a loan on her house to get the money to gamble with and lost the house. After that she had a cardiac issue, and the hospital would not let her go home to live alone, so she showed up at my doorstep and I let her in. So, I did act as her caregiver, monitoring her condition and medications. I also cared for my ailing mother, after my dads death, until her demise. She had physical health issues as well as Alzheimers.
Caring for J emotional issues will be a challange and require a lot of study and help along the way.I have asked my counselor that, and did not recieve an answere, but I think he wishes to talk about that later.
I did not think I gave up things I needed or wanted to do, except willingly. No one forced me, and many times I would go and do what I wanted instead of giving up those things in order to care for my ex or my mom. The same goes for J, as she was upset more than once as I would go and do a planned activity instead of spending time with her. Again, I think I always made the choice, to be with them, or give up what I wanted to do.We have discussed grief issues, a short lesson on bipolar traits/symptoms, and started talking about BPD traits/symptoms, emotional caregiving and why I should not pursue a relationship with J.
I will ask him about establishing healthy relationships, however.

Thanks for the 2 readings, I will read them and implement them.
Thanks
Bittlecat

Hey Pearlsw
While I have not read all the information you sent me yet, I did have a question on the silent treatment.
Bc that is what I gave her, on a number of ocassions, simply bc she would only become angrier and would paint any answere I gave black, and we would agrue for hours, bouncing from one subject to another, while she was bashing me, verbally abusive. I needed a time out.
It was after me not answering her that she broke off all, saying she was changing her number.
Is she just punishing me?
Although I was disposed at the time, not answering, ignoring her triggered this response? It actually worked in the past to let her and I cool off.
Confused. This is a boundry, that at times I can not engage her in text, while doing certain other activities, such as driving or in this case in a live fire area at the gun club, learning a new venue.
Was I wrong?

Hi Bittlecat,

While it is okay to take time and space, the silent treatment is not a good idea. Hard for me to say exactly if you were giving silent treatment. Were you? I guess the "crime" can be determined by intent. A better idea, I think, would be to let her know you need a break, and when you will be back (so she will not feel abandoned), but to not just angrily withhold. Do you see what I mean? When we withhold we can do a lot of damage to a relationship and it will head swiftly into decline. Best to avoid this if we can!

It is really important that we get away from ever "giving someone a taste of their own medicine" in response to their bad behavior. When we do that we just get stuck in a cycle of conflict. It does often require us to be the bigger person, but it is not all bad being "the bigger person" so perhaps one can become more comfortable in that role if you see the larger purpose of it and avoid any notion, ever, of needing to "win" an argument.

In reference to what we were discussing here is something on Relationship Recycling (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0)

This is something you may also find helpful: 3 Minute Lesson On Ending Conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

Let's keep talking. There is a lot to read about how to avoid those endless hours of arguing!

To help you memorize some of these things, after you read them come back and talk them over a bit with us! It also helps all of us learn and internalize these preferable approaches!

take care, pearl.  

It certainly looks like I screwed up big time!
I did tell J where I was going, but not that I could not return her mssgs, or when I would be back. I can see now how that might trigger her abandonment issues, especially with the remarks she made earlier, about going back to my ex, and how she hates not recieving an answere back right away. But she must know that there are times when its not possible or safe or I need a break. But my error was to NOT send her a mssg saying exactly what my intentions were. Nor did I comunicate with her later that day, but by then she already said "goodbye AH" and "I'm changing my number this time."
Besides learning to hold my frustrations and anger, over her mean words, reading and learning how to deal with J and myself, what is your suggestion to restart this relationship?
I have experienced break ups before my 30 yr + relationship, and was able to get past them in a short time, but somehow I can't get past her. She is still in my heart and in my head.
If you get a minute or 3, youtube "I see you" by Luke Bryan lyrics. Thats how I feel.
Thanks for all the help!
Bittlecat

Some other things I just saw, while looking back a few days before our break up, in my conversations with J, she had said that she did not think I would ever marry her because I had said I was only 90% sure, and we had already been together for more than a year, and engaged for 7 months( regardless of the fact she broke it off a number of times for 1 or 2 days, then more than a week in April), and was not into long term relationships that were going nowhere! She said she was not my ex, and would not wait for me! She also mused about why she had to wear a ring to show everyone she was spoken for, but I did not? But then after this exchange she told me not to contact her. Shortly after she told me she adopted a new kitty, and we talked and she sent videos of her cat.!
I really give up! I'm reading the articles you sent and buying the walking on eggshells books. Any other publications that might be helpful?
I so desire to make this relationship work, as so much has gone into it already... .

So if I'm trying to eliminate the habit of my SO, of texting me and expecting an immediate response, which is not possible at some times, and then raging and sending me angry txts, I should not respond quickly, unless its a real emergency, all the time? Or make it clear that at certain times I can not respond, and hold to my boundries?
I guess I'm confused as to how to be consistant, and avoid triggering abandonment issues, when I can not respond?

Walk me through your current approach.

I think it's important to increase uncertainty over time. If for example you always respond immediately and then you all of a sudden don't, he may become distraught and start angry texting and freaking out. This is something you kinda know in advance. One approach you could consider is stating to him in an assertive way that you will not tolerate angry texts in response to you not replying to his messages in a timely manner, that communicating with him is important to you but cannot be all consuming and that you are not at his beck and call. Then, purposefully delay responding, increase the uncertainty around your response time and then allow him to deal with that.

You could take this a step further and inform him that you will not respond to any messages for a 24hr period if he sends you abusive messages... .and then stick to it.

I believe it's important to clearly spell out the boundary (the line... .abusive messages), the consequences, and then stick to them.

You are training him.

Enabler 

My fiancee txted me and asked if she could come over and get her stuff, after 4 weeks away that she left in my house. One thing lead to another and she came over with dinner and we talked at length, and I thought things would get better.
She stayed the next night, and put on a ring of hers, because she said she could not find her engagement ring, and said all was good.
We went to the counselor in seperate meetings that week, and then went together the week after.
She kept telling him that I would not take responsibility for my actions and was a liar, along with a few other things. After the meeting she found the engagement ring and started wearing it.
Now today she invited me to eat with her at a resturaunt, but didn't have the money to pay for it, so I did. At the dinner, I started to tell her that I had been doing the exercises the doctor gave me to help my medical condition, but that the pain was real bad today so I took some Rx pain meds and all broke loose. All we did was agrue about everything under the sun, while I tried hard to keep my cool, I failed a couple of times and everything escalated to the point where we left without finishing our food. Later she asked if I wanted to come in her place and I did only to get beat up more verbaly, and threatened hitting me by punching the wall. After that we went into the sitting room and talked some, where she finaly asked me to leave.
She told me she never wanted me as her husband, and because of my disability, she would be embarraced to be with me, and her parents surely would be upset because I can't help with some tasks .
I found out that she had dated another guy, during the time we  broke up.
All of the verbal abuse, I tried to take without triggering her anger, but now I just exceeded my limit.
I'm thinking of seeking eternal silence, even wrote a note: her name,
I'm a fat, lazy, jerk, with a disability,
who is godless and does not carry the spirit of God within me, who cares nothing about other people, a liar, good for nothing, who can't take responsibility for his own mistakes, who does nothing but create problems, worthless bloke, that doesn't even deserve the oxygen I breathe.
The best thing I can do is to opt for eternal silence, and leave this life.
Bye
My name
I have planned my leaving, but likely won't have the guts to do it! I can't take more of this! Just last nite she thanked me for learning about her bipolar and uBPD, and staying with her and helping. Tonite she abuses me to the point I'm going to explode! The words on the note are what she said I was.
Bittlecat

Hey Blittlecat,

Sorry to hear you have had such a rollercoaster of a few days... .push pull push pull... .it's maddening.

Given what you know about BPD, what do you think she was 'saying' and what do you think was 'said' but needed to be filtered out?

How do you think she see's the disability? This isn't a new disability I assume, one that she didn't object to before.

Enabler

I think she was projecting her faults on me, as the things she said did not fit me.
My disability was present when we first met, but has gotten worse, and health care is slow to treat. I also did not treat agressively during the last few months of taking care of a family member before she died, as she became a priority.
Bittlecat

Okay, so if you filter out all the projection noise and hot air, all the accusations, what are you left with?

Thats a good question!
It seems she has a desire to dominate, break every boundry I set, and make me feel worthless, while she is demeaning me!
More conflict has arisen, I think from our counselor who seemed to purposely evoke her anger over past real issues between us. Not understanding his approach.
Once again I'm confused.

Making you worthless isn’t how she feels, that’s how she wants you to feel or more precisely how you feel as a result of her very honed skill in mentally wounding you... .but wash that away and how does she feel. There will be clues in amongst all the other blame and shame that she’s puking on you.

Maybe this is what the counsellor is trying to see and read, he’s revving her up to get more clues. The counsellor is trained to be awesome at this... .listening... .hearing... .watching. He’s drawing out the feeling. Sometimes the ‘thing’ is buried pretty darn deep.

SO did it again! She gave me back my ring and broke the engagement saying she did not want to marry me bc we don't do anything together and I obviously do not care for her as I bought dinner and gave her the smaller and not as good as the other portion of food and got the grilled instead of the fried sandwhich. Of course yesterday she gave me a lecture on eating better, which the grilled had less fat and calories, but I get it and she demands the other and refuses to eat saying I don't care about her etc.
SO finally said she can't see herself married to somebody who can't go on fast walks with her and her dog. Even though I have pushed my healthcare provider to help me overcime my physical issue, and have been working hard on Pys Ther and even steriod injections and maybe look at surgery, but done of can happen fast enough for her.
I recently gave up a good deal of funds that I would have used for my own wants to help her with bills from her sick pets. Then I took her to dinner at a pricey place, though she still maintains we don't do anything together.
Then she started in on

I have been in your position.  I was given the ring back countless times.  Given this excuse, that excuse, the other excuse.  The common denominator is that it was an EXCUSE.  I have learnt to deal that the woman I loved was never real.

They say some really stupid things but if you are prepared to put up with it she will come back.  They always do.

They hurt because they are hurting.



There you go, read it and read it again.  They are childish and pathetic reasons to break up with you.  They are not the real reasons.

I am not going to tell you what do to, only what I thought in my case and that was I DESERVED BETTER... .


I have been there my friend, what they say its absolutely disgusting and is abuse.

There are tools here to help you but you have to start valuing yourself.

Thank you coastered for your reply.
I did see a different counselor last week, and did get some different insights into this situation, and have been spending some time, as I could reading and digesting all the information presented here on this site.
I must not take her insults and verbal abuse to heart, as that is what she is doing, trying to bring me down.
I have also watched some videos from " polar warriors" on youtube, that have given me much help with dealing with the bipolar part of her person.
Now she wants me back, but only as friends.
She did start a new job, and job training, and has been stressed out from that, so I think she dreamed up a reason to kick me overboard again to lighten her load.
Also, I did get a medical procedure done, that required a driver, and some emotional and physical assisitance, of which SO was not available for, of course. I had to hire a driver, and went through the procedure without anyone helping, which was ok, but I would never even think of letting her or any family or friends face that alone. In her defense, she said she was sick and could not go to work, or leave the house bc she was dizzy and did not sleep all night. And that is not the first time she abandoned me when I needed or would have liked her presence during a stressful time for me.
So I'm thinking that the sick pets, new job and my procedure and we started going to a new church, meeting new people and all, had totally overloaded her emotions, so she kicked me out with crazy excuses. She did text me during the transportation and waiting room, for that medical procedure,  and then again to see how things were on the way home, and at home she texted again to see that I arrived safely.
I just woke up from a 3 hour nap, and tried to contact her, but no response, I could only hope that she is ok, and maybe sleeping, as last I heard she was getting a migrane headache.
-bittlecat

Today at the counsolers office, she blew a gasket saying that she was insecure in our relationship, and was asking that I tell her what our future holds and what I was going to do to help with her financial troubles. When it was my turn to speak, I told her that I had to stay around in the relatives house in order to finish the estate distribution, and had no idea how long that would take, up to and maybe more than a year, but as we had talked about eariler, I wanted to move out of town to a house with wooded property. I then told her that I was willing and able to help with her financal woes, and had already paid the bills for medical care of her cats and dog, and had paid her mortgage once before, all of which I did without asking her to repay me. She insisted that she was going to get a new job and pay me back, but is unhappy about her job and wants to quit.
Then she went and started pulling up all kinds of crap, some untrue, some not, about our past, including telling me I cheated on her, as I did go to online dating and texted 2 ladies, during one of the breakups that she started, but was not even able to talk to them without crying over SO. They never had my name or phone number, as I used the sites text. The Dr. Reminded her that she went to an online dating site and talked to 8 guys, giving them her name and phone number, and went out with one for a meal, so how did she get off calling me a cheater?
Thats when she blew up and stormed out of the room.
Later she texted me to tell that she talked to her father and he was going to pay her mortgage and bills and then buy her a place near him, so she could sell her current house.
Then she stated that she was moving on, and after the sale of her house she would pay me back for everything and move to her dads state and leave me behind.
I don't know if this is real or not, but once again I do not know where to go from here. I did tell her she was important to me, that I loved her, and that once I've settled the estate, our plans were to get married and move in her place and then I would buy a house and property outside of town, and provide for her.
SO replied she was going to sleep, and she could not deal with the insecurity of our relationship.
I'm very upset, and wondering what I missed, what feelings she has behind all this, or is this another throwing me overboard again, bc she can't handle the stress of the new job?
I am depressed and have lost my balance once again and do not know what to do next. I thought I could handle this, and she is still in contact with me but... .what do I do next? I made it clear to her I don't want her to leave.
I did remember that when I first met her, she had planned to go to her fathers, and was packing stuff. When I talked to her about that, she stated that she would have been gone 14 months ago, but I kept her from leaving and was wasting her time.
So, once again I'm confused, and without direction, and need some help.
-bittlecat

Dear BC-

I know I am a bit late to your thread, but I have read through everything, and I am so very sorry for your pain, confusion and on top of all that, the personal grief you’re suffering.  I am deeply sorry for the losses you have suffered.  My best friend died suddenly earlier this year and my BPDbf blew up at me a few days later.  It felt to me as if he desecrated her memory.  I had forgiven unforgivable behavior over the years, but this one... .?

I am wondering if with all that has happened, all that IS happening, if a “pause” may be appropriate for you.  You just recently lost your beloved mom.  And following a loss like that, in your heightened state of grief, perhaps the thing to do is NOTHING.  And by nothing, I mean, focus solely on self-care and healing for a while.   We are often advised not to make important decisions for a full year following the loss of a loved one.

It is so very clear that you are a deeply loving and compassionate man.  And you deserve a woman who shares your fine qualities, and who appreciates who you are.  There is literature on our site dealing with FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I don’t believe anyone has pointed you in the direction of that reading yet.   Please have a good, introspective look at that information.  And after you do, please take some time to consider how that may apply to your situation.

Please know... .I am NOT giving you a “run” message, however it appears from what you’re saying, this relationship is quite out of balance right now; perhaps too off kilter to consider moving forward with marriage plans for the time being.  Or am I missing something? 

With verbal abuse at such a high and frequent level, and J triggered and escalating moment by moment, her expectations just seem out of whack.  And your expectations of yourself... .well, why after knowing someone for just over a year, do you absorb the need to be completely responsible for her?  Why have you set the bar for yourself so high?  Yet it seems there are zero expectations for her.  PwBPD will rise or fall to the level of our expectations.  My opinion... .

You have known your fiancé for just over a year, is that correct?  Is there a rush to marry?

Has she been married previously?

From things you have said, her words and behavior have at times brought you so low that you’ve longed for “eternal silence”.   My friend, I DO understand that feeling... .have been there myself on several occasions.  And then I looked into the eyes of my dog.  And I felt compelled to begin my own journey of healing... .finally.  And I’ve just turned 61.

Please consider bringing your support people - friends, family - closer to you.  Allow them to embrace you, they KNOW who you are, how truly GOOD and worthy you are... .and then allow yourself to observe your relationship as if someone you care for (your sister, your best friend, your brother) is living YOUR experience, YOUR relationship.

What steps would you advise him to take to improve his chances for peaceful happiness?  Please stay with us, BC and continue posting.  None of this is easy, and we understand that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Gemsforeyes, wonderful wonderful advice.

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thank you very much for responding, for your insights and concern.
Thank you for expressing your condolances for the loss of my mother, and I wish to convey mine to you for the loss of your friend and the resulting chaos caused by your BPD bf.

I'm not sure a pause would help, but the last time we seperated for a month, all I could see was J, she was everywhere I looked, in everything I did, and when conversing with others, her name would always come up. I have had the best times of my life with her, and while I don't know how to put it in words, she helped me with moms care and medical decisions, and even was here with me at moms bedside when mom was drawing her last breath!

I will study and look at the information on FOG, and see how that may apply to me, thanks.

She has recently again given me the ring back, so marriage is on hold once again! The new job she just started, she could not deal with emotionally, and was a strain on her body, so she quit after 4 days, and called her dad, and now planning to move near him, while he resides in another part of the country, he promised to buy her a house to help her financial problems, which is why she tried to go back to work.

I have known her for about 15 months, and there was no rush on my part. But she seems to want to marry quickly, and has been pushing me to do so. She has never been married before, having a string of bf's that supplied her with booze or drugs. As one of the boundries I set eariler, she did stop using pot and shatter, and has been clean for over 2 months now.

Yes, she has on occasion brought me down, or should I say I allowed her to bring me down to where I wished for eternal silence, as I felt totally worthless. I do see a therapist on a regular basis to help me keep my balance and try to depersonalize her remarks, but sometimes its just very hard to do.

What advice would I give siblings or friends in my place?
Make sure you have a counsoler, or therapist who is familar with bipolar and BPD, and learn all you can about them both, and stay on this site, as writing these threads is very therapeutic, and a source of good advice, and knowing you're not alone, helps a lot.
With tears in my eyes, a heart felt THANK YOU!
-Bittlecat