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Title: Getting divorced need help with how to communicate with the kids Post by: bodhi101 on August 24, 2018, 11:51:05 AM After years of unsuccessful efforts to get my spouse to find a way to hear me in efforts to improve our marriage, I have finally informed my undiagnosed borderline wife that I want a divorce. For too long, I have not established the right boundaries and now that our finances are a mess, I am cutting my losses. I was trying to find a way to let her stay in the home and those efforts have failed. Now I must force her to sell our home, and that is sure to bring a nuclear reaction. Because I don't want to hurt her, I lep avoiding the inevitable. This only enables her bad habit of not accepting our reality and our finances continue to spiral.
Title: Re: Getting divorced need help with how to communicate with the kids Post by: worriedStepmom on August 24, 2018, 03:11:27 PM I'm sorry that it's gotten so bad for you, and that the family home is going to need to be sold. I hope that this step eventually brings a lot more peace to you and your kids.
How old are the children? Do they know yet that you are going to divorce? Are you and your STBX still living in the family home together? Title: Re: Getting divorced need help with how to communicate with the kids Post by: ForeverDad on August 24, 2018, 06:47:18 PM So many of us were in your shoes, trying to pull the finances and family together while simultaneously being sabotaged. However, Accepting the inevitable (acceptance is the final stage of grieving a relationship loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0;all)) is a step forward.
Losing a house is not as great a loss as you may think. Kids don't need a particular house, annually millions of families with kids around the globe move. A house is a location, a Home is far more important. Yes, ending a marriage is difficult but neither parent should cling unrealistically onto the past, such as a house, as a symbol for stability. It isn't. Stability is in your Home, your Life. Speak with the children in age appropriate ways. The younger they are, the simpler it can be. Excerpt Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. (They'll probably get married some day, wouldn't you like them to make healthy choices and not picking what they've known so far?) Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc. Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos. And some of the flying monkeys too. Title: Re: Getting divorced need help with how to communicate with the kids Post by: livednlearned on August 25, 2018, 11:19:21 AM How old are the kids?
What efforts to save the marriage didn't work? How did she respond when you told her you wanted a divorce? Have you retained a lawyer? |