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So tonight I'm going out with my sister and friends for my birthday. I was really getting excited about it throughout the week. This morning I woke up with all these feelings of wanting to get in touch with my ex. I haven't and I'm hoping to maintain that. I can't help but think about this time last year when her and I were going out and she was a whirlwind of the things that she wanted to get me and so on. She always thought I wanted gifts but I'm just not into material things like that. I just wanted her and us to be happy together. I think a lot of it was she was wanting certain things from me and was doing a lot of big talking to get them. It makes me miss the effort she put in. Makes me wonder what made that stop. Why I couldn't be good enough to follow through with the promises of our lives together working things out and being happy together.

If I could stop the emotions from being so overwhelming the logic would tell me this is for the best. What I am learning and will continue to learn from this will make me better.

I just keep hearing that song "One more day- Diamond Rio".

I made a list yesterday during one of my weaker moments to remind myself of all the reasons why it didn't and won't work out. It must have done a little to help because I slept for about 12 hours. I just am sitting here wishing that the end was actually the end and not the beginning of this whole new hell to walk thru. I hate thinking that all those good memories were just fake and to suck me into doing things that were against my beliefs and intuition.

This too shall pass. Patience is key I suppose. And although I wanted to be the special person to add to her life and her to mine, its just not truth. And I can't be blind to that anymore. Ignorance isn't as blissful as they say.

"Mercy-Brett Young"

Bless all you souls out there going through similar crap. My heart goes out to you and I wish a speedy and full recovery from the pain.

Hi OrionLeonardo,

Happy Birthday!   Birthdays and anniversaries can be an emotional time. Try to enjoy yourself with family and friends tonight.

OrionLeonardo, I want to point out how important it is to have your family and friends around. Happy Fu****g Birthday btw.

The big dates and holidays are hard. We put a lot in.

Enjoy your Bday. It belongs to you. That is your sacred day.

Wise words and actions for sure ! Especially writing down the reasons behind the moves you did.Its kinda crazy how much we learn about ourselves during these times of crisis .We become our own worst enemy, our own judge and jury , and in many cases when in the fog of war our own executioner.

By reading your words it seems you have chosen a path of self reflection, I bid you a safe journey on this adventure it’s a real eye opener,please keep us posted !

Good idea may be to journal about this stuff. I have a word doc that i have been writing stuff in. I find it helps. Sometimes it's every day for a few days, other times not for a few weeks.

I started it actually before my xgfwBPD and i were officially dating. We were effectively but keep it quiet. Even then she would stonewall me from time to time and I would wonder what on earth was going on and if we even were still "together". She is also a widow so I thought it was widow stuff. Now that is is all said and done, I totally see it was BPD all along with some widow stuff thrown in.

I wrote all that stuff down. Not that anyone will read it, as it is not for that, but for you to get your thoughts down and you can read it later. Or never read it again but at least you get your thoughts out. Mine is all in a word document.

Maybe write down what you would say... .but don't send it.

   It has indeed been very interesting to learn the things about myself that played a major role in the whole relationship. I know it takes two to tango and that I can only control my actions.


   I agree journaling can be beneficial. One of my struggles is not getting sucked into the negativity. Words have tremendous power and I have been working on not engaging in giving the negative more attention than the positives.


   Thank you. I actually had a pretty good time. I went out with my sister and a couple of friends. Almost got the nerve up to talk to someone new. My counselor said that right now I may be hyper-sensitive and need to give myself time to get back to the healthy middle ground. Seemed about right when I was wondering what was holding me back so much. I also got to go out to dinner with my mom which is always a treat. She has perspective which has been extremely valuable plus the emotional support, reminding me that I'm not as crazy as I feel and of course lots of hugs. Feeling blessed to have those people and all of you here for support.


   Thank you for the support.