BPDFamily.com

Hi fam

I want support around the situation, he asked me to wait two months before deciding about the storage, etc.  He said he likes the changes he has seen in me.

Our situation was i was sick.  Mentally ill, from not taking good care of myself, trying to give, satisfy all of his needs (BPD chaos), i was clueless.
I got to the point of being a frail shell.

The thing is, i did this to myself.  I'm not a victim.

Esp since he told me during our first meet, he has BPD, it gets worse under stress, he is under m.d. care... .

I had no clue what he meant by BPD.

I lived the roller coaster, totally, every aspect, its here in most aspects.

So, i made a promise to wait two months.


Does anyone know what i am doing.?  I want support around, its o.k.

thank you for your support, j

OK, so now you understand what BPD is, you realize that you weren't taking good care of yourself, but now you are. You got to experience what it's like to be stuck in a reactive appeasement of him and how that wasn't a healthy approach for you.

Your two month time limit is coming to a close within weeks. What do you want regarding this relationship? To reboot or not?

Hi Cat

I guess what i want is, does anyone here understand what i am doing.

I feel unsupported, there is no one in my life who understands.  I reach out to this community

juju, that is the problem.  BPDs (the higher functioning ones) almost always dysregulate in the presence of close family or even just significant other.  That way, no one really sees a problem. 

Your problem is not unique.

If you have not already done so, please read the "Eggshells" book.  It is written for family member of BPDs.  Often family will lose sight of who they are trying to twist themselves into pretzels to meet the needs of the pwBPD.

Hi,
read the eggshell book a while ago.

Guess its hard now waiting... .
I do want us to try again, am healthy, have a life, healthy friends.  There are people here that know how to do this r/s.  They are strong people and have intention, and have support.

I am concerned that he may not come back.
These two months are hard for me... .
This is the only time during the last year he has made a request and gave me information... .

I may have already made a mistake, emailing him.

I do trust in God and am turning this over to Him.

What day is the two month deadline?

I'm assuming that you don't talk to your friends about getting back together with him?

And no one in your life understands how difficult it is to care for someone with BPD?

Ah’ yes... .last evening at foo mums birthday dinner out, both her foo sisters, and even foo mum (my MIL) seemed to think that this type behavior is #normal... .for my u/BPDw.

... .u/BPDw went after two matrons/waiters and the manager due to the fact she did not approve of the seating for eleven people ugh ; (

Then after the dinner, as we payed our tabs and departed, every single one of them went up to the matron/waiters and the manager and “apologized” profusely on behalf of u/BPDw who thought... .“I was not that loud was I”?... .she asked me when we got home as I was smart enough to drive separately... .I said, “no you weren’t too loud, no; you were RUDE”... .

Make wise choices juju2, and believe this line that has been shared here many times... .“when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

Best wishes, and hope it is a beautiful day where you are : )

Red5

Cat,

correct.  No one understands, my grown kids dont like him, they think he is controlling.
guess i will be waiting, and living my life for the next  months.
I dont think he would make a request for no reason, and he shared his new r/s is pretty rocky.
He hasnt been able to do the hobbies he likes, he told me, and the most important one especially.
guess these months are what he needs.  He doesnt make many requests. 
I dont like this waiting, and i will honor my word.

One thing new about me, is am not questioning him, not giving my power away, i respect myself!.

I thought i could be stronger.  Dont know what i would do without this community... .guess it is really getting to me... .

Blessings to you all.
j

Juju2,
Your story reminds me of a Tom Petty song, The waiting is the hardest thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMyCa35_mOg

He's confided that his new relationship is not working out and he can't do things he enjoys. He hasn't made requests other than waiting two months about storing his things and you're going to honor your agreement.

Time must feel like it's moving at a glacial pace considering there are a lot of things you'd like to know, but in the meantime you aren't asking him.

Cat

Hi Juju!   :hi:

I must have missed an earlier post of yours.  What are you storing?  His belongings?  Where are you storing them?  Are they large items?

Do you want to continue your relationship with him?  If not, how would you feel about taking back the control, and telling him that unless he picks up his things within 72 hours, you are going to drop them off wherever he is living or staying?

Would that put you in a dangerous position?

Just thinking, if the items are in a storage unit, if it were me; I'd tell him to go to the proprietor, and have the unit put into his own name, and take me (juju2 ) off the contract, then it would be his responsibility.

If the things are in your home, I would enlist some help, and move it all to a storage unit, and pay it up for the two months... .and then do the above,

Put the responsibility on him !

Any storage unit of a medium size is not too expensive, maybe an idea... .

Just my thoughts, ; )

Red5

Yes, that is what i am going to do Red.
I need support in this area, being my word.
He does text me more.  I am sure he just wants to find out if i am that crazy person i was.
Our last year, i was mentally ill.  Codependence relapse.  I had all the signs.

Now I have a life, things that matter, he isnt my world, i can get on without him.
I just need support, because there is a possibility we will get back together, from what he is saying... .
I dont want judgement.

Thank you,  j

After my divorce from wife #1, I was a single Dad for a period of about five years.

During this time, I became fiercely independent.

I used to revel in the most simplest things, .everyday life things.
*having my own place, just me and the kids (teenagers then).
*being responsible, and paying my own bills.
*grocery shopping ; )
*washing my 2006 Tahoe.
*doing my own laundry.
*being able to find the scissors.
*maintaining my own lawn, and lawnmower.
*safety, knowing no one was going to take advantage of me anymore, independence.
*financial independence, and security.
*watching what I wanted to on the television.
*cooking my own meals, making a pot of coffee.
*growing a little garden out back.
*going to Church on Sunday with my kids.

Basically just living my life, free form any kind of toxic emotional BS coupled to a dysfunctional relationship... .freedom !

Then I re-married, I do miss those five years I had alone now, with my children.

Best Regards Red5

Do you want to prove youre not that "crazy" person anymore to him? Why should this matter if the rs is over? Unless, youre hoping for him to return and waiting.

you stated he isnt your world, but it seems like you have to "prove" something to him. I think you have grown so much Juju, and his opinion shouldnt dictate your progress.

His new rs being rocky, and him not being able to do hobbies he enjoys, shouldnt be a reason to give you hope. His unhappiness in this rs is giving you a sense of hope.

I think youve honored your word plenty before to him, but you should honor it for Juju. 

Hi cry,

Thank you.


I lost it tonite, he texted me about commitments to this o.w.

I didnt know they are living together.


I lost it.  Texted him, am not going to be in communication, he can pick up his stuff, i am not paying for storage ... .melt down.
Blocked him on my phone and told him my email will disappear in one week.   I have been such a fool.

Bye,  j

I am ill.  This whole upset tonite makes me physically sick.

I think i will change my mind, i didnt know he was living w someone.  I am very mixed up.

Took two days off of work.  I wouldnt be able to go in tomorrow anyway... .

I just couldnt see how two months would change anything.   I havent known what is going on for a long time and i feel like a stupid idiot.
I was holding on to what.   Can someone tell me.

I hate myself.

I have figured it out.

I will take all his things to storage.
Everytime we talk about the stuff not going to storage, because he needs more time, etc,etc... the reasoning he gives doesnt make any sense.
It becomes more convoluted.  I dont know why he is doing this. Its like he wants me to agree that him living w this other woman should be fine w me and giving him time he needs to figure out if he wants to continue living w her, because he has to, because he made commitments to her!  All of this i have to buy and be great with.

All there is for me to do is remove everything, go ahead and i guess pay two months storage,
turn in the vehicle i drive.

It will be about getting out of the drama, completely out.  Getting out of the way.  I want to rent out my house and move somewhere else... .
I want to be in a different place.   

You were holding on to hope.

Hope is like a funny mirror in the hall of mirrors at the fairground. It distorts and contorts the reality that we see in front of us. We're all prone to cognitive bias, we all see the world in a slightly skewed way in as much as we interpret information subject to our moods and desires. In other words you were painting a rainbow to a pot of gold. This doesn't make you a bad person, it just illustrates the difference between what you want (which is your ex back), and the reality. You believed that your actions or the path you laid out for someone else could lead them into a place where you might get what you wanted (again, doesn't make you a bad person).

Where you underachieved was that you didn't see the information for what it was and leave ALL assumptions on the table as possible truths with possible outcomes. I'm a probabilities guy, I look at likely outcomes and unlikely outcomes. No outcome is ever a 0% probability, keeping all outcomes on the table forces ourselves to be comfortable with at least the faintest chance they might occur.

Rather than focus your efforts on the most attractive outcome, have you thought about focusing you energy on the least favorable outcome? What is your least favored outcome?  

Here's an example for me:
My untenable outcome is one where, I get divorced, my wife deploys significant parental alienation and my relationship with my 3 kids is irreparably damaged, I move into a protracted high conflict divorce involving lawyers and court appearances, I am financially ruined and am left with an onerous ongoing financial burden for an extended period of time.

Enabler.

Thank you.

I can try the least favored outcome.  What will that accomplish...

Is it like, least favored, those two get married, he sues me for his belongings, i have to hire a lawyer, pay a bunch of money, i get angry and hit someone, end up in jail, lose my job.

Its kinda funny.   It could happen.

How does it help again.

Appreciate your insight.

Okay, so what are you doing to focus ALL of your energy in avoiding that outcome?

those two get married (not much you can do about that, but is that what you perceive as the catalyst for the next bit?), he sues me for his belongings (Maybe you need legal advice but if you can prove that you clearly stated you intention and can document this, what has he got to sue you over?), i have to hire a lawyer, pay a bunch of money (Do you think you need to spend a small amount of money now to stave off spending more later), i get angry and hit someone (Now this is something you have real control over... .or maybe you don't think you do now but maybe this is where you need to focus your energy... .'How do I control my temper?'), end up in jail, lose my job (these are a function of things you have control over i.e. you).

Can I hack that down a little:

My worst outcome is that as a reaction to things out of my control, I lose personal control, act violently, go to prison and lose all the things I have worked hard to build up post my personal reform.

Is that a fair assessment of your worst case outcome?

Yes.you got it.

How does it help exactly. And
Why am i putting energy in to avoid that.some of that is outside of my control... .

Good Morning juju2,

I had a few thoughts after reading the posts between yourself and Enabler... .

"Stuff"... .is just stuff, bought at nice store today, then seen on the shelf at a thrift store tomorrow.

"Stuff"... .all stuff is on its way to the city dump at some point... .in my humble opinion.

So your ex's stuff... .I would like to see you figure out a good way to rid yourself of your ex's "stuff"... .its dragging you down, not only his physical "stuff"... but the emotional and mental "stuff" he is keeping in your mind as well... .and rent free I may add!

Its time to have yourself a yardsale - garage sale - rummage sale my Dear ; )

First off, I do not know where globally that you are, so I don't know about the laws... .in the USA we have small claims courts, so citizens can resolve small differences, or else negotiate through mediation to avoid the big court, and lawyers, and other nasty such stuff... .my advice is to contact your version (if you aren't in the US), of the clerk of the court, and ask them what you can legally do with your ex's stuff, as in GET RID OF IT  ... .so that you can JETTISON it forthwith... and not be held liable by him later... .ie' tell him, hey "dude", .your stuff went to the local thrift store, after you were given written and delivered warning to REMOVE your "stuff" from my home, as you "abandoned" it there.

Then you will have "peace of mind", and be protected from any further legal entanglements regarding his "stuff".

I have a new saying... ."GOLE"... .it means "go on living everyday" 

Hope this helps juju2 !

Kind Regards, Red5

   

Hey Juju2.

Wouldn't it be better to ask him to remove the stuff, vice you doing the lifting and carrying.  Granted... if he won't do it, then you should certainly rid your space of the reminders.

How can we best support you?

FF

Red,Enabler,

I went back and read my text rant fm yesterday.  We had talked on the phone for like 12 minutes,
and i guess because he said he had commitments to the o.w., that later i went off the deap end in a rant.  He actually texted please stop.
He texted earlier that he is ready to call the r/s... .w o.w.
I dont think i even saw that part... .
Wow i went off on a crazy tyrade, then w 3 emails.by the 4th email, i apologized.  An hour later, i told him(email) i was on strong meds(i am)and that my behaviour can get bad, emotional, and too many thoughts being expressed... and please forgive me... i mean, he is just asking for what we agreed to.   Yes i dont like that he is living w someone and never told me and nvr got his things.  Still.  I do have to be my word. I really felt crazy last nite, that he nvr said he was living w her... .yikes.  
This may sound crazy too. And i think he may be reaching out to me in the only way he knows how.
Idk why he even said he was living w someone... .guess he thinks its important for me to know... idk.

Maybe after the rant he will come and get his stuff.
He wont pick it up.  Already tried that. Nothing.
I know he has BPD and i am the crazy one.

He said o.w. has no family here, he has committments to her... .and when we were texting,
before i got nuts, he texts, i am about to call the r/s w her... .
And then all the crazy rants from me.?
Considering all that has gone on, i wish i could have kept my cool. 

Help me understand what this means?

FF

Maybe after the rant he will come and get his stuff.
He wont pick it up.  Already tried that. Nothing.
I know he has BPD and i am the crazy one.

He said o.w. has no family here, he has committments to her... .and when we were texting,
before i got nuts, he texts, i am about to call the r/s w her... .
And then all the crazy rants from me.?
Considering all that has gone on, i wish i could have kept my cool.  

It means, call it over.

He texted that.  Earlier when we were talking, he kept saying he has commitments to her... .
Then the text.

Oh well.  We agreed to get in touch in a week.
I wish i hadnt over reacted.

Oh,  juju2!  Hugs.    I hear how hard this feels and get that you're feeling a lot right now. 


What needs to happen for you to implement this solution?  What are the steps you need to take?  How much stuff is there?  Will you need a moving truck or can it fit in a car?

So, gathering my senses, i will wait the two months, the storage place lets you use their truck.
Its about as much stuff as a one BR. Apt.   The storage place says i need a 10x10. The vehicles will need parking spaces.  Cheaper than putting them in a storage unit.   It will be two days work, about 300-400 minimum.  The towing on the vehicles is expensive... .and one time when we talked, he said he doesnt have the money for storage nor does he have the room.  Its probably 5000 worth of stuff, easily more than that, all the valued things he has kept.   Anyway.
I gues when i talk to him next, i need to say something like, could i have the whole story so i can make a good choice... .he didnt lie about anything... .he just omitted telling me he is living w o.w. and now its not working out... .how would i know... .if someone just gives bits and pieces, how do you know what is going on... .?

Oftentimes, when interacting with disordered people, bits and pieces are all you get.  I get that you want clarity from him (an entirely normal, human thing to want, by the way).  What if he's unable to give it?  Do you have enough info to move forward?

Juju2,

What is the date that the two months is up?  What support would you like from us as that date approaches?


What was your understanding of the nature of the relationship between your ex and the OW.  It seems that you were shocked by what you were told.

FF

Ff.

have given out a lot of personal details. This site reaches a lot of places... .some things i wont say.
Its 60 days give or take.
I didnt know the nature.  He would text me, nice texts, and then when i told him had plans to move his things, thats when he asked to call and opened up about his r/s being on the rocks, that me and him needed to talk anout our issues... .and last nite, he said was ready to call it.( o.w.)   I can only guess he wants me to wait for a reason that applies to us; because i asked am i being asked to  wait on the decision to put things in storage.? He said yes.
It seems like when i went no contact after visiting him in the hospital, then no mention of his birthday, that he started to move towards me... .

He opened up that he cant do the things he enjoys now, and other issues they have... .which was huge for him to share w me.   I supported all of his interests... .  maybe he is seeing all that we really had together.  In one of my email rants, i told him how sad i was to see him dehydrated, looking like shti, in the hosp for five days for overworking. I said what is causing him to wear himself out like that.
I finally accepted he had moved on, and he is showing up for me... .and am not getting my expectations up.  Already said will only postpone one time.  Am showing strength.

Guess i need support around being ok w whatever happens.   You all have been huge for me.   Every one of you.

Juju2,

I hear how important it is to you to keep your word to him about holding onto his stuff for 2 months.  That is a good indicator of who you are as a person.

One concern I have is that the holding of his stuff may be linked to whether you have a future together for one or both of you.  As an outsider, I look at it and think "Handing over his stuff does not prevent him from re-engaging in relationship with Juju2, and holding onto his stuff doesn't guarantee he will.  The stuff is just a complication/focal point."  Do you think that perspective may be accurate?  If so, do you think there is a way to detach the stuff from the relationship prospects?

I'm not suggesting that you go back on your commitment to giving him 2 months to reclaim his stuff, but I see some opportunities for you to shift how that looks to one or both of you.

I also see some opportunity around the vehicle that "links" the two of you. 

How would it feel if you were to remove every "link" that you or he might interpret as making it more convenient to re-establish your relationship and then have him still pursue relationship with you? 

My situation is far different, but I retrieved a pot holder and tupperware from a guy I have a "complicated" relationship with this weekend.  I no longer have that excuse to see him.  It feels a little sad and scary to not have the option to say "Hey.  I need that potholder, can I come get it?", but in a way it's also liberating.  If he reaches out to me, I know it's because he wants to, not because I've left some sort of obligation to do so. 

   2 months can seem like an eternity.  I know that some days are harder than others.  Have a bit of grace with yourself on those hard days.  And maybe figure out how to program in a delay on your texts/emails so you can retrieve them if need be. 

BG

Bg, others on here have encouraged me to get all our entanglements disentangled, for the reason you stated.
Pls share the things you see. I need all the help i can get.thank you!
It seems to me he wants this link.  I saw that w him reaching out, and also when he said on the phone, we have to have hard conversations around our issues.   That was huge!
We are going to talk in a week.  (In one of my text rants i said i need more to go on than breadcrumbs... .) part of me thinks he is waiting for the one yr mark for my recovery... .its a big milestone... .oct something this year.

So... I think there is a time to be frank.

There is no deadline.  No consequences.  (No judgment bad or good)

It seems obvious to me, and I guess it seems obvious to others, that you are interested in getting him back.

That's OK.   

If I've overstated and you are ok with whatever.  That's fine as well.

Assuming what you have posted here is accurate, there is little chance that your ex understands those to be your feelings or intentions

So... to wrap up these comments.  Find a consistent message and consistently send that message.  We can support you with whatever you want to send.

Should you choose to want to continue sending him mixed signals, we can still support you in that as long as we are all clear about intentions and what we see.


As to your knowledge of the "nature" of his other relationship.  I simply don't understand how that can matter.

That he has another committed relationship with another woman, that seems to be what matters. 

Is my memory correct that you were aware her car was "always" there?  Even in the middle of the night sometimes?

Doesn't that give some hints about "the nature" of their relationship?

I circle around to my original point... .if I (we) are having a hard time understanding what you are communicating, a pwBPD has no chance of getting it right.

FF

Someone I remember called this an "entanglement".  Many "entanglements" have lots of briars on them.  Every time you move... they poke you... and the other person you are entangled with.

Wouldn't it be better if Juju2 and her guy talked to each other because they choose to enjoy each other's company.  No entanglements.  No complications.

FF

Ff,

I get it.

Maybe all of you will help me.
I have it that he does know my intention.  He asked for two months, he said he likes the changes in me, he has seen the changes.  He has consistantly up until last week, told me not to wait for him.
Then the call, about holding off on the decision, w the explanation, his r/s is likely on the rocks.  (Basically, wait for him.)
I lost it last nite because he nvr shared they are living together.  I didnt ask.

I agree ff, the entanglements are an issue.   How do you live w someone 10 yrs and not have entanglements!  We have animals we share.  Ours.
I guess am back to baby steps... .

The message i could share would be, "you are an important person to me, i have gone thru a lot of changes, and ... .i would like ne and you to try again.  "(He basically said that to me, in our prev call, that "we have to have a serious conversation about our issues  (w,x,y,z."he named them)  i think he is telling me there is a chance, and first he has to get out of his current r/s... .which he said last nite, he was ready to call it...   i really believe he is seeing if i can be my word, (one of my biggest defects) if i can not go off the handle (defect), and
how do i act in the coming two months.?

That is what i believe in my gut.

I think he is testing me before becoming willing to see if we could try again... .

This is "possible", but given the history and everything I know about him (and pwBPD like him)... .I don't think this is a "probable" thing he is doing.

Most likely... he is kicking "life" down the road two months.  Then... he'll see what he can get done then to kick it further down the road.

That is the pattern I've seen... .I haven't seen anything that suggests it is changing.

I wish I could share a better "view" with you. 

Again... .perhaps it is true that he never uttered the words to you that she was "living" there.  Yet... you did understand she was "always" there.

What is the nuance there that I'm missing or that matters?

FF

You lost me ff.  That i could easily make an assumption that they were living together.?  This is the first time he told me they are living together.
He is being open, giving information, saying for me to wait.
One thing he knows about me, is he could ask for two months, and leave it at that.
He doesnt lie, or tell stories.  I saw a change in our dynamic.
Plus, i emailed this will be a one time delay.  I have help, and thats it. One time delay.  There is no consequences, as me and family are moving the stuff.  No one knows him better than i do here.
I do not see why he would just do this.  Just to kick the can down the road.   And i am the first to admit, i could be wrong. 
The previous conversation we had, its in another string, candid conversation.  Nothing he says is for no reason. Economy of words.  And i do appreciate everyone, ff, all of you.   Each one of you has given freely to me.  Thank you.

I'd like to echo this, Juju.

Sometimes, people tell us things we subconciously want to hear to benefit themselves. to keep us around for their own gain. its hard to hear/accept this that someone you love could do this to you. im not saying he is doing this, but from my point of view this is what it looks like. he tells you what you want to hear right when your about to leave, or keeps things afloat with no clarity for you to build scenarios in your head. ive had this done to me before. it isnt right.

What is the nuance that matters to YOU?  What is the difference in "hearing from him" that they are living together versus seeing with your own eyes that her car is "always" over there?

I get it... there is a "technical" difference there. 

There seems to be a massive difference to you from "hearing"... .versus "seeing".  (and that's ok... .I would just like to understand that better)

Perhaps knowing this part of you better helps us give you better advice and support in the future.

FF

Well friends,

From knowing him, 10 years, i hope he wouldnt just do this like this.  That would be cruel.  Truly.
So, lets say the tables are turned, im living w a guy, and i make up a story xyz yada yada.   When all i needed was could i have two more months please.
He is the one that wanted me to know what is going on... .i am not here to defend.  Sometimes i need a break fm here.  None of us are psychologists, that i have interacted with here.  Sometimes opinion is just that.  And specific experience, i know of 4 different couples now, that have gone thru separations and gotten back together, specific experience is more meaningful than opinion.  Its the difference between a picture of a mountain and climbing that mountain... .i appreciate you all most dont want me to get any hopes up.   I get that.  I am ok for now.  Thank you!

Great!  Specific experience is very helpful.  What... specifically... .did those couples do to repair their relationship?

How does what they did relate to what you are doing at the moment?

FF

Am taking a break frm here fir a couple of days

Basically i know of them.  One couple i knew the wife well.  Basically it was working on herself and not being self centered, learning to listen, and admit when she was wrong.

Juju2,

We think the world of you here at bpdfamily.  Me and everyone I know here are rooting for you!  I hope you find rest during your break.

FF

Thank you ff.

All i have left is being positive.   Help make someone's day a little better.  Am tired of being focused on a situation that is mostly beyond my control.

I want to live in a bigger picture.

The best to all of you.  You guys are everyday heroes.

Hi dear friends,

Am just popping in.  Am doing well.

Thank you for all of your generosity, kindness, and most of all, caring.   You all carried me.

Will be back on here soon.

With thanks,  j

Check in with your latest details when you feel ready, juju2.