BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone!

I'm still not doing well at all and have gone to my doctor, who recommended me schema therapy and EMDR as therapies to work on my self esteem and to process all that has happened in the relationship with my ex. I am very stuck at the moment. I need to keep myself busy because otherwise I get into this extremely dark and sad mood I can't break out, but keeping myself busy all the time is draining all of my energy so I'm exhausted all the time.

Has anyone of you experience with schema therapy or EMDR and has it helped you? I just want to move on so badly. I want to feel happy again.

Yesterday I saw my ex again for the first time since (to the day exact, funny enough) 2 months. We hadn't talked online either in that time. He went up to me and we had an, I think about, 15 minute conversation which was very awkward. He made some snide comments which I felt really bad about afterwards. I was wearing a blouse with a bandeau top underneath (so you couldn't see my bra or anything) but he was all like "I don't understand why you could walk around like that", although he never used to say something like that while we were still together. Then he always liked it when I had a small bit of cleavage. He also made a snide remark about my father, which wasn't nice.

We talked a bit about how we we're doing and he kind of pushed me to talk about how I was really doing. First I didn't want to talk to him about it, but I had a bit too much to drink and was really flabbergasted that I came across him, so I ended up telling him everything about the therapy I will start etc. He said that he hoped I would start feeling better soon and he said something like "it isn't normal right, that you're this affected by everything" and I said something like that he shouldn't blame himself that it was mostly because of my low self esteem etc etc. Which I regret afterwards, because I went right into that submissive mode as soon as we started talking again. I hoped I would have been stronger.

Rest of the conversation was really awkward, the conversation didn't flow at all. It was just statement after statement from both sides about what was happening in our lives basically. He didn't seem interested in my life at all (except for the fact that I wasn't doing well). He said that he was doing really well again, which was kind of hard to hear because I know that means he has a replacement. Luckily I don't know who yet.

I think I need to give up the idea of being friends because he clearly doesn't care about me anymore. I think he's glad to be rid of me.

Anyway. Does anyone have experience with these two therapies I mentioned? Did they help? I really hope to hear some positive stories, because I really need them.

Hi, Blooming. You’ve been here for quite some time now. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so stuck in your emotions with your ex boyfriend. I can relate to that. I am now roughly 10 months out from the final break with S3’s mother. I am just now beginning to fully detach myself from her. I understand what you’re feeling, and I’m sorry for that. I know that it’s repeated over and over, but it does get better.

I’m in therapy with a trauma specialist, and it has made a world of difference in my life. I’m processing my childhood. I’m realizing and accepting that my upbringing had everything to do with who I was attracted to, and who I attracted.

I’m curious about your story and time here on Detaching. Detaching is where I started out here. I showed up in really bad shape. After I started intense therapy, I found my way to the PSI (parent, sibling, in law) board.

I know that you’re still processing the loss of your relationship, but I’d like to give a friendly nudge and ask you about your childhood. Only if you’re comfortable in sharing. There is a chance that in talking about that, you can open up new avenues and have questions answered about the relationship that you’re grieving. Just a thought, blooming. 

I’m sorry it’s feeling so hard, Blooming. It took me years and years to feel better—but that seems to be because I kept looking to somehow fix my relationship with my ex as part of healing. Didn’t work ... .and kept me really stuck.

I too would have been hurt by your ex’s statements that he was doing well and his insinuation that there is something wrong with you because you are hurting. In truth, though, his “doing well” is likely due to severely dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Ultimately those do a lot of damage to a person’s life and there are times of deep regret and sadness which they then hurry to avoid with more dysfunctional coping mechanisms ... .as my trauma recovery therapist commented, my ex, who follows that pattern, is a “system” that reliably follows that destructive loop. Their satisfaction and happiness is procured in ways that are quite costly to them and others.

Which leads me to your question about EMDR. Schema therapy is used for BPD sometimes and thus is sometimes discussed on this site; there may be good links if you search. EMDR is one of several trauma treatments I eventually tried. I found it less of a match to my relational trauma than two other approaches — EMDR seems particularly suited to recovering from traumatic reactions to a specific incident, like a train wreck or a stranger rape. More complex relational damage that is inflicted by people we trusted may match better with other somatic (body based) techniques like lifespan integration and sensorimotor psychotherapy, both of which I used extensively at the insistence of worried friends who are also therapists and who had been to trainings in these respective techniques. They were profoundly effective, moving around my emotional building blocks so I got much stronger and more solid. Not only do I feel better (my ex just moved back to town and took a job smack in the middle of my work world and it’s not bothering me all that much) but also, I know for certain I would never respond now the way I did to him at first. My fundamental abilities to keep myself safe are switched on—not sure how to explain that. But these therapies are profoundly effective in the hands of skilled practitioners. If you google them you’ll find national or international websites with practitioner lists and explanations of the techniques.

Hi there blooming,

Its good to hear from you. I'm sorry things are tough on you,


Have you brought this up to your T? i am rather concerned about this. How long have you been in this state already? Have you managed to talk about this with your friends and family?

Do take goodcare.

Yours,
Spero

.

Hi spero,

I don't have a T at the moment. I am waiting for a place at a psychotherapist, but currently I don't have any help.

I have been in this state for about 2 to 3 months I think.

I have talked about it a lot with friends and family, which is nice, but it's not like they can really give good pointers or help me get out of it. And I'm scared to lose them if I tell them too much about how dark I'm really feeling.

I have not tried those therapies, but I have heard that they bring a lot of trauma and pain from within and from the past to light, and it's good to take time alone and time not doing anything after each session to allow yourself to process your emotions.

It's certainly understandable to be in a lot of pain and especially after encountering your ex. I certainly can relate to having painful thoughts, emotions, memories coming up when I'm alone (on a car ride or trying to sleep at night). But I'm trying to allow them to arise, and be acknowledged and then release them. Suppressing them is not helpful. Being too busy or too much social interaction drains me- when my confidence is low and I don't feel happy or well rested it's hard and tiring to try to pretend to be pleasant, patient, and enjoying myself. I hope that I am able to exercise, stretch, and rest more to begin to feel better. I hope that I find a balance between trying to stay busy, rebuilt a social support network and social life, and my self care. Good luck on your journey and I hope that you are able to find a therapist!

Hi blooming,

I'm sorry to hear you had this unfortunate encounter with your ex. I am sure it felt pretty bad to have him make such comments. It is important, whenever possible, to try to depersonalize. What I hear is that he is angry, but doesn't know how to come right out and say it. It may have no real justification behind it, just something he is feeling, so he is saying things to be hurtful. Sometimes people make hurtful comments but what they are really saying, if you look underneath, is "I am hurt".

But none of this requires you to have to listen to such things. As I read this, and being female, that part of me that is socialized to "be nice", especially to someone I know, and also being caught off guard, helps me imagine what it might have been like for you when this incident occurred.

Was this at a bar? Was this a place you knew he might be at or you were completely shocked to see him? Why do you think he was trying to get you into conversation about what happened between you? Why do you think he does not care about you? (He did seem to want to talk) Is this your own hurt speaking? Is this really accurate? Why are you sure he is not someone who wants to stay friends at all?

I've never done EMDR, but I know two people who have and they recommended it. They seemed pleasantly surprised at the results, and even how rapid they experienced positive change, but that's just what they reported. I have no knowledge if this works very quickly typically.

We have some information here on the site about it you might want to check out:

EMDR Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=37825.0)

This website also has a lot of very helpful information: https://emdria.site-ym.com/page/emdr_therapy

If you get a chance, take a look and let us know what you think!

To relate to your concerns about remaining friends from my personal experience I can add this: In the past I have typically stayed friends with ex's. I had one ex, one who looking back I realize now had some BPD traits, and he was the only one I didn't stay friends with. This was very painful for me at the time. He was breaking my streak! But upon reflection, understanding BPD traits better now, I can understand that that was not something he was capable of. It is not my way, but I accept that this is what happened and I don't miss him and I really don't mind him not being in my life anymore. Life has moved on.

I wish him well, but there is no real need to have him in my life. I let him go ages ago because I had to - he basically disappeared and completely changed. All this to say, that these things can be processed, as extreme as they are. It will not always be this bad, it just takes time to process. My relationship with him was only 13 months, but it took years to be mentally free of it, but it did happen. It didn't take years to move and be ready to date again though. I knew I was okay and would be fine. Hold on and have faith. 

wishing you peace, pearl.

Hi Blooming,
 I'm sorry you're stuck. I totally get it. I'm not stuck in quite the same way, but stuck in the sense that I'm in Limbo with the divorce and unable to move forward until the divorce starts moving forward.
 Regarding EMDR: I have tried it, and I've found it helpful. I was/am healing sustained childhood trauma, and my T would bring me back to the time I first experienced that feeling.
 I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this. Let me try again.
 I started with my T about 8 years ago because I was getting back with my STBX. Being with him caused a recurrence of PTSD. His behavior would trigger my feeling trapped with no way out, no way to make things right.
  So although I was technically healing from current PTSD, the EMDR addressed the underlying PTSD. And it helped.
  I will say, however, that PTSD can be an ongoing problem. The divorce has triggered it once again, and I'm taking medical marijuana as needed and Xanax as needed, and I still see my T once a week.
  I think, given the extraordinarily difficult circumstances I am in, I'm doing pretty well. No dark thoughts per se but definitely anxiety, which then results in my feeling scattered and not as able to focus as I'd like, and I also end up feeling tired from battling the anxiety.
  So I'm trying to give a realistic glimpse into what EMDR can do. Definitely, it has helped me. Still, I have issues with anxiety and weariness, both of which I hope will abate once the divorce starts moving forward.
  You can PM me if you need any more info on EMDR.  
TMD

Hi Blooming,

I echo everyone above; I am so sorry to hear about the state that you are in.

I echo P&C's comment about EMDR - I had EMDR done for PTSD associated with my time in Iraq.  I did find that it worked, but the services at our base were so exhausted that wait times for reoccurring sessions ended up getting very long.  SO keeping with it routinely is key.  For me, it was more helpful with specific trauma-related events.  It may work for you and some of the specific BPD-related events or situations from your relationship.  It certainly is worth a try eh?

I want to just address some things form your post - reading it really made me sad for you.  I do not know you, but I would say that even if you are someone with low self-esteem, do please try and remember that it is not your fault that he treated you this way.  You were taken advantage of (my x pwBPD saw my weaknesses and used them to her advantage).  So even if this unfortunate chance encounter has left you feeling like you were just reverting back to a submissive past position - this guy has no control over you now.  He most likely did and said the things he did specifically to try and  belittle you more, to tear you down more, to make him feel better about himself.  I would seriously try to remember that whatever he thinks, feels or says now does not have to mean anything to you, unless you let it.

Its hard, I know - I was there too.  But once I recognized that it was over and I did not need to let her words and insults actually effect me, I just saw them for what they were - vain and pitiful attempts by a sick person to try and make themselves feel better about their horrible life.  They are sad people.  You don't have to be.

I'm sure you looked fabulous that night - besides, if you want to show a bit of cleavage that's your right (woman's prerogative  ) Who is he anyhow, the fashion police?

Stay strong -