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I don't want to get ahead of myself as I know things can change very quickly but my DD15 has agreed to try another therapist  . 
Unfortunately the one we want her to see is on holidays (how dare she!) and the first appointment we can get is 4 weeks away but I'm just feeling so hopeful and wanted to tell someone!

On the outside my daughter looks to be very in control, she's popular at school and an A grade student who wants to study medical science.  I know she cut again last week and she has such a poor sense of self.  I don't want this terrible disorder to hinder her dreams and achievements in life and I think the earlier she gets help, the better her life will be.

  ForeverDevoted   :hi:

This is wonderful news, what a relief for you, she's taking a brave step forward. I'm so very pleased for you, you've worked hard with your daughter, knowing she has you walking with her will mean everything! Small gentle steps 

What kind of treatment is the therapy?

WDx 

Hi WD,
Thanks for your reply!
We have decided to try a private psychologist who specialises in personality disorders, she utilises various treatment approaches including DBT.
I feel this will be our last hope as we've tried two other avenues that were very focused on involving the whole family and my DD did not like it at all.
She knows that we are all there for her but wants to work things out on her own.
I have told her that if she doesn't feel comfortable or doesn't make a connection with this psychologist we can look for someone else until we find someone that's compatible but I'm not sure her patience will last that long.

Hi ForeverDevoted


Perhaps she'll feel more comfortable working directly, as you say she wants to work things out on her own. My DD is an adult so yes she did work independently and had  support of family and friends. Your daughter sounds independent, a strength she can call on. We have the UK NHS here, resources for DBT are pitifully scarce with long waiting lists (we waited a year), so it kind of told my DD to get on with it and she did, the team were fortunately excellent and we are deeply grateful.

How did you find the psychologist, was there a recommendation?

Hope. 

WDx

"We have the UK NHS here, resources for DBT are pitifully scarce with long waiting lists (we waited a year)"

Oh wow, that must have been very frustrating for you!
I'm from Australia and we started with Headspace which had a 4 week wait and I thought that was bad!  They decided that my DD needed more than they could provide so referred us to CYHMS (Child & Youth Mental Health Services - pronounced KIMS) who saw us straight away.  Both these services are government run so it didn't cost me a cent.  We were at CYHMS for more than 7 months with weekly visits for my husband and myself, my DD attended separate sessions with a different case worker but she refused to talk so they stopped the sessions after about 10 visits (continuing with us until they felt we were capable of dealing with this on our own).

Since leaving CYHMS I have been working with our family GP who recommended this psychologist, she spoke to the psychologist to make sure that she would see my DD as many will not take on BPD patients.

In Melbourne we also have a company called Spectrum which specialises in BPD who I have called a couple of times for advice and we have the Melbourne DBT Centre which does DBT for teens and adults.  I'm hoping to get my DD there one day but it's 2 sessions a week (one private and one group), it requires a one year commitment and I think that would be too much for her right now.

I don't know what I would have done if I had to wait a year! The thought just sickens me and I'm so sorry you had to go through that 

Hi ForeverDevoted

I join wendydarling in welcoming you here from one Aussie to another  :hi:

That's very exciting news for you , especially as she is self harming, it's very frightening.  my DD27 was cutting herself at 14/15, however even though we sought therapy, she was never diagnosed with BPD until three years ago, she is now 27. It sounds like your daughter has had a formal diagnosis?

I'm glad you have been able to find a psychologist that will work with your daughter. I hope this yields some positive results with some sustainability and longevity.  It's especially positive that she is willing to engage at such an early age.

There is a wealth of information on the board to the right  |--->.  I have also been reading many books, a good starting point is "Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger and of course, it's great that you're hear talking to us.

WD is right, baby steps and make sure you take care of yourself.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Merlot

Thanks Merlot for the warm Aussie welcome  :hi:

Within 2 weeks of finding out my DD was self harming and purging we were told that a Mentalization Based Therapy (MBT) would be beneficial to her and of course all the Google searches lead to BPD (which I hadn't heard of) so then the questions began!
They were reluctant to diagnose because of her age but they did tell her she has 'traits' of BPD and when I asked my case worker if she was formally diagnosed she reluctantly said yes.

She's agreed to go as she needs a Medical Clearance for an activity she wants to do but 'willing to engage'... .only time will tell.  I'm just glad she has agreed at this stage, as WD said - baby steps!

How is your daughter now? It's just terrible when they self harm and you can't do anything about it.  Has she been in therapy all that time?

Nice to hear from you 

Hello there Forever Devoted , just a quick hello from me  I too have a DD who was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago . She’s 18 now and has come on leaps and bounds but it’s not been an easy path and we’ve been to hell and back with her .

My daughter had many therapists in the first couple of years including a psychologist who was the most qualified of them all with DBT certification and she specialized in “ difficult to treat “ mental health and personality disorders . My DD unfortunately couldn’t stand her! So it was pointless pursuing that particular therapist . In the end , it was a dual diagnosis substance abuse counsellor who my DD clicked with the most and who seemed to finally help my DD turn a corner . She wasn’t DBT certified but used many of the concepts.

As you are already aware , the skills of the therapist are key to success but also the relationship and trust that develops to get the best out of the therapy  

As an aside , my DD was a daily cutter and has severe scars on her body, some will never fade , others onbher legs are definitely fading now . I’m glad to say she has not cut herself in 15 months !

Never give up hope and belief that things can improve .we almost did give up on our DD . But at some point around the age of 17 , she somehow determined she didn’t want to lead the life she was leading and continue down that dark path . Something just seemed to “click “ in her mind that she had to put in the work to change .

Hello there Yepanotherone,
Thank you for your comments, they give me a lot of hope.
I totally agree that the best therapist is useless if our daughters don’t like them; I have said to my DD that it’s really important for her to like and feel comfortable with the psychologist and if she doesn’t we can find another one (she doesn’t like what I have to say most of the time but I know she listens and takes it all in - she seemed ok with this).

Wow, 15 months cutting free - that’s great! You must be so relieved.  My DD also has severe scars, I’m not sure if she cuts daily but I’ve seen the damage - she decided to drink straight vodka one night and I had to pick her up from the party, take her home and change her for bed... .the scars on the top of her legs and left arm were very bad indeed.  Last week I noticed that she has started on her right arm :-(

Thanks again for reaching out, it’s really great to hear that your daughter is doing okay and it definitely gives me hope x

Yes, the waiting time for DBT was a huge challenge, I learnt a lot as did my DD, patience for one  :( I made sure we were not forgotten by calling the head of mental health regularly    and the crisis team were great. They helped her learn different ways to self-sooth and were always there to listen. DD called on them a number of times, I recall one week they invited her to come visit them three times as she was really struggling.

It is a commitment 12 months DBT, I'm glad you have local services.  Half way through, my DD became psychotic, her therapist had been suggesting for a few months she take a break at the Women’s Crisis Home (a step to avoid hospitalisation) and she finally succumbed and stayed for a month, when she came home she made the decision to give up work (freelance) and focus on the remaining 6 months of DBT. It was a very smart decision.  

Good to hear your lovely DD continues to do well Yep, we are now 2 years + no cutting. ForeverDevoted, Yep and I joined bpdfamily at the same time, both totally distressed by how unwell our girls were, that feeling that it’ll never end, well we made it through, they turned the corner.

While my DD was not dx till 26 and she immediately wanted to engage in treatment, that is sadly not always the case.  I’ve started reading https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61716.0
I’m not sick, I don’t need help! Useful comments in the feedback, a must read for anyone trying to help someone with BPD traits.  Have you read this one ForeverDevoted?

Hey thanks for joining Feeling Better’s thread,  it’s a great way of getting to know everyone here and supporting each other and learning together.  

WDx

Forever devoted , I remember that sickening feeling when I’d spot yet more fresh cuts on my daughter’s body . Some days she would go on full display wearing the tiniest of shorts and tops, and she literally looked like she had been mauled by a tiger . I think part of her enjoyed the shock value she created and the astounded stares from everyone around her . Other days she would cover up .
Nowadays she tends to cover them up , she’s definitely self conscious of them now .
My DD started with small cuts on her upper  thighs , in the areas we couldn’t see , then she progressed to tummy , hips , legs ( including her ankles ), breasts ... you name it , she cut it .  I’d check on her every single morning as it was often the best time for me to give her body the once over as she slept . She would often be asleep on top of her covers naked so I’d get my chance to check out whatever damage she’d inflicted upon herself the night before . Some days when she was out of the house , I’d check her bedsheets , pillows and her laundry basket for fresh blood ... if there was a lot , I’d know she had had a particularly bad night .One day I pulled her pyjama  bottoms out of her laundry basket while doing my regular “ inspections “ and my hand got literally drenched in her fresh red blood . I was totally beside myself that day after finding that and almost threw up with sheer sadness and fear for my DD .
I also used to try and find her razors and dispose of them but she’d only go out and buy more ... and she’d be mad because she would then know I’d been snooping in her room .

My DD would also punch herself in the hips until they were black and blue. This was her particular mode of self harm choice during her many hospitalizations when she couldn’t get her hands on razors . I saw a picture of her hips once on her iPad ... she had been sending these pics to her friends . Yet again , shock and devastation to see what she was doing to herself doesn’t come close to describing how you feel as a Mum . Only another BPD Mum can understand that total sense of grief and loss .

We are all here for you love . As WD said , we joined this forum around the same time and it has become our sanctuary.

WD ... .can you believe it ? How time has flown for us and for our girls .

Thanks WD and Yepanotherone for sharing parts of your stories, it's strange but it kind of gives me a sense of calm - I suppose knowing that other people have been through this and come out of it okay is really refreshing.

WD, it sounds like your daughter has made some really good choices by seeking and accepting help, I'm sure it had everything to do with the parenting on your part 
I have read so many books but not 'I'm not sick, I don't need help' which sounds like the perfect book for me to read at this time so thanks for the recommendation - I'll get my Kindle out again.

Yep (hope you don't mind the abbreviation - I'm following WD's lead ), I have also found blood soaked clothing and yes it is very frightening.  My DD always wears long sleeves and wears long pajamas so I'm not sure the extent of damage except for what I saw in April when she was ridiculously drunk (first and hopefully last but I'm not counting on it) and I had to change her for bed :-(

I'm so glad to be part of this BPD Family, I think this is the start of my BPD journey as my DD is only 15 and I think we will have many challenges in the future but it's nice to know that I have people who really understand to hash things out with.

Til next time x

I don’t mind the abbreviation at all  

Believe me , you can post everything on here and you will not be judged , only supported . My DD truely did stoop to the extreme darkest recesses of depravity when she was at her worst. By that I mean drugs , sex and promiscuity and behaviors that I can only aliken to the exorcist ! I completely lost my girl over that darkest time and I almost caved and gave up on her . Our life became unrecognizable. But I had here to come and vent and to cry as I typed and to receive empathy, support and advice .

I’m so very happy to say our life has now resumed normality . Those years seem like a one horrendous nightmare and looking back , I’m not sure how we made it through quite frankly . But we did . And we are here , and I have my family back and a pretty good relationship with my daughter again . My eldest daughter has her sister back .

WD I read my DD’s journal a few weeks ago . She doesn’t write much now , only little bits and pieces . And in any case , As you know , I stopped all my snooping and investigation over a year ago , but I was getting a bit worried about my DD’s weight and I needed to find out if I have cause to be worried . So I admit I went snooping and read a wee bit. As it turns out , she’s definitely counting calories but over the last few weeks she’s been eating so well , primarily healthy stuff in addition to the odd “ naughty “ thing so I’m still just keeping a close eye on that . What I also read though kind of warmed my heart . In amongst her blogs , she wrote “ I’m feeling pretty okay now mentally . I do have so many regrets about the things I have done . I feel particularly sorry about what I put my parents through when I was ill. Particularly my mum and I’m sorry that I called my mum horrible names and told her I hated her “

My girl was always in there somewhere. And she came back to us . Your girl may disappear for a wee while Forever Devoted  but stick with her and she’ll come back x

 
That must have put a big smile on your face 

It sounds like you really have been to Hell and back! I'm sorry that you had to experience that but it gives me hope that I will get my beautiful girl back one day - so thank you, I think you're amazing
 

Hi ForeverDevoted

I've been wondering how you are, and if there's been any progress with the therapist.

Yep, I well up reading your daughter's words of regret how she treated you.  I'm glad you were able to read them, you've been through hell and back and everything that helps us heal is a bonus.

WDx

Hi WD,
Thanks for following up with me, we are doing ok.
My daughter seems happy with the new psychologist but it brings out all her emotions which she finds difficult to deal with and her cutting is getting worse.
The psychologist has requested she see a psychiatrist for possible medication and/or inpatient hospital admission so I have an appointed to see our GP to get a referral and then we'll have to wait 2-6 weeks to see the psychiatrist.  Meanwhile my DD has at least 3 razor blades in her drawer and although she won't show or talk to me about it I know it's bad by the pools of blood on the towel.

We have had to increase our health insurance to cover a possible private hospital admission as apparently private hospitals will take voluntary admissions whereas public fairly much wait for a crisis to happen.  Although I'd say the amount of self harm would warrant a crisis.

The hardest thing for me at the moment is knowing where her head is at and the level of self harm by reading her diaries and searching her room but not being able to do anything about it.  She does not want me to know anything ( I still don't understand why as we've always been close) and it scares me to think what she would do if she found out.  So we have put all our trust and hopes into a women who I have spoken to for about 5 minutes (although I did spend hours researching and stalking her beforehand  ).

Thanks again for checking in on me.

Oh ForeverDevoted, it's so painful and isolating for us when they're unable to share with us. I can only say from experience my DD had to go through this in therapy, only recently she said 'there are somethings I can't share with you, nor my closest friends'. When I look at that, I see my DD is being responsible. These are feelings about how she views herself, or darkest thoughts, her fears... .It's hard, its heart breaking until we see them gradually turning it around. So while you miss how close you were, is exactly what I went through with DD till she got past the worst.  Your psychologist sounds she's on it, referring to psychiatrist, you planning insurance for possible inpatient treatment, that may not be required if your DD responds. It's best to be prepared.  

I know my DD did not want me to worry, she wanted everything to be as normal as possible and I did my best to keep the status quo of our family life. I believe she felt relief of those times the focus was not on her illness, her pain. She also needed to feel my confidence, my hope we'll get through this.

I'm guessing you've spoken to the psychologist about your concern your DD's cutting is getting worse. During treatment some of my DD's symptoms got worse before getting better, they did get better in time, either through DBT or meds.

Is your daughter a quiet person with BPD?  

Like you I stalked (researched) medics, I still do, to give me peace of mind, no one is messing with my adult baby, it's healthy! And now we are past the worst we discuss them, further treatment together.

It is overwhelmingly distressful to read their diaries,   like you and many parents, I did. Once I got over how frightful, it was helpful for me understand my DD's emotional state and thinking and use the information in an emotionally intelligent way for me.

Hope and small steps. Remember you make all the difference for her, even if it does not feel like that she's still with you, you are leading the way out.

WDx

Thanks WD,
I agree that my daughter also doesn't want me to worry and I'm fairly certain she reacts strongly when she sees me upset which is possibly why she doesn't want me involved.  It's been a year now since diagnoses and I have a better understanding of the illness and am getting stronger each day so I'm hoping moving forward that we can work together - I am having some small break through's of late so fingers crossed!

My daughter most definitely is a quiet BPD.  I'm not sure whether it's better to hold it all in or let the anger/pain out.  It's probably better for the people around her to keep it in but not necessarily for her.

Also could you tell me what I'm doing wrong inserting a Quotebox - I copy and paste the desired text into my new post, highlight the text in my post and click the button in the other post but it adds a Quotebox with ALL of the post not just the highlighted text.

Thanks