BPDFamily.com

Hi there! My name is Grace4u! We have one grown son who has been married for several years! We fell in love with his wife when we first met her! She’s beautiful, smart, super friendly, fun and everyone seems to love her! Notice I’m speaking in the present tense! This is what is soo baffling! I don’t know that she has been officially diagnosed but everything I’m reading about BPD & what my counselor has said seems to explain our confusion! I don’t think many people at all know the real her as we do!

We have one son and have always had a very close, loving relationship with him! My husband and I are very close and have enjoyed and been blessed with nearly 40 yrs of marriage! We are extremely close with our extended family on both sides too! This is the very first extremely  challenging family relationship we’ve had! It started off quite well but not the case now! They don’t have any children yet and are having infirtility issues now! I think one of the main reasons she wants to not be involved with us now is she thinks the stress of our relationship is causing her infirtility issues!  Our son seems to want to side with her... .We believe so he can have peace in his marriage! We understand that!

Our faith has really kept us from drowning in our hurts and disappointments! God has given us a rich, fulfilling life outside of this complicated/broken relationship! However our hearts long to have our relationship completely restored! We want very much to have a loving relationship with both of them! It’s been almost 2 years since our DIL has “backed away” from us and all the family! Our son joined her to support her for almost a year! We got an occasional text from him! He told us he had to do this to save his marriage! In love... .we “let him go” It was truly heart wrenching since we’ve always had a beautiful relationship w/ him!

We recently met w/ both of them w/ their counselor to try to reengage in a relationship! It makes no sense the things she has accused me of when I’ve been a very loving MIL to her! However, I sincerely apologized for the things she was upset w/ me about... .several times... .verbally and in writing! She often said she didn’t think my apology was sincere? So after a sharing 3 meals out, taking care of their dog for a week, transporting them to and from airport 4 times and them staying over one night they decided to not meet w/ us again until Nov w/ the counselor! Apparently, it was moving along a bit too fast for their comfort (really for her comfort level)! Soo back to square one or maybe 2 since we can at least communicate w/ our son... .We are so grateful for that!

We wish we could share all this information with our son so he could get support! But, then we’re worried that he more got take offense to us suggesting his wife might have BPD? What to do... .to help him if he doesn’t even realize she may have a mental illness! Would appreciate any tips or suggestions! Thx so much!

It sounds like you are a close family, and to deal with this must be frustrating and hurtful.

I'd take your son at his word, that he is trying to save his marriage, leaving aside the judgement of what is dysfunctional and what is not.

BPD is a significant disorder (it may also help to think of it as an emotional disorder rather than a mental illness). I definitely wouldn't suggest it to your son.

pwBPD (people with BPD) deal with significant internal shame, and lashing out at others or engaging in emotional cutoff are coping mechanisms. Shame would be, "my feelings are inherently worthless and irrelevant; therefore, I am inherently worthless and irrelevant."

Struggling with infertility issues would be hard for anybody, especially a prospective mother. It might shame her into feeling less of a woman or person. It's counter-intuitive, but reaching out with love might drive away a person who feels unworthy of love. What kinds of things has she accused you of?

Hi Grace4u,

I'd like to join Turkish and welcome you to the bpdfamily  :hi:


This is very common when you have a relationship with someone with BPD, they are able to minimize or hide the troubling behaviors for a time from many people in their lives.  But no one can keep a mask on all the time and the mask comes down with those closest to them.

I'm not sure how far you are in your research on BPD, but I did want to suggest a couple of books that I think are particularly good on the topic... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

and

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS & Randi Kreger


This is very likely (thus the "Stop Walking on Eggshells book title), he is likely Walking on Eggshells with his wife and I'm glad you are able to recognize it and aren't taking his actions personally.


I agree, it sounds like Therapy was getting uncomfortable for her... .it goes back to "Shame"... .she may have felt like she was being blamed for things (probably not) but for folks with BPD Feelings = Facts.  So therefore if she feels it is true then in her mind it is. Or she may have quit because she might have felt she was going to be blamed for something, things were coming to a head and quit before it could happen.

I'm very glad that you have re-established contact with your son, that's one of the best things you can do... .keep that door to you open.  Even when he's not able to communicate always let him know you love him and the door is open.

 

I hear how much you want to help your son, I think you're right about not labeling his wife with BPD. No one likes to be labeled, particularly with a mental illness, that will lead to hurt feelings and defensiveness.

You're in a tricky place, it is their marriage and their relationship you don't want to end up Triangulating... .inserting yourself into their relationship but as a mom, I sure do understand you wanting to help.

If this were me (and other members may have other approaches because this does get a bit on the Triangle) I would learn what I could about BPD, and tools that are helpful.  Rather than go to your son and tell him she is mentally ill, I would wait for him to ask for advice or help.  Let him come to you.  When he does you will have tools and advice that can help.  You don't have to tell him you think she has BPD, just address the behaviors sharing the tools and information you have learned. No need to name anything/label anything just share the appropriate tool for the appropriate situation. Besides being able to help your son, learning the tools and information here can also help you improve your relationship with your DIL and how you approach her. 

Once you get a good understanding of BPD, you start to see patterns of behavior in what was once chaos and confusion before.  Once you start recognizing the behaviors you can start using tools that are more effective as you work on your relationship with her.

I mentioned Triangulation above and want to share more on that topic, particularly because you are in a situation where this could likely happen... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I also want to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information you might want to checkout the "Lessons" section when you have the chance.

I'm also going suggest that you check out the Bettering a Romantic Relationship Board so you can get a glimpse of what your son may be having to negotiate... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

I'm here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  I found it helpful to read the relationship boards to get insight into what my SO's marriage may have been like, and I come here to get insight into what his daughter's maybe negotiating when it comes to their mother and how I might best support them.

Grace, I also want to say you have some good things going for you already, intelligence, empathy, patience and good instincts.  All will help you with your relationship with your DIL 

Panda39

Hi Grace4u,  :hi:

I'm joining the others to send out a warm greeting to you. This is a great online family sharing the struggles of having a pwBPD in our lives. You've gotten some great thoughts already.

There are times that we can struggle to make sense of how God could allow these types of things to take place in our lives, especially when there has been so much blessing and little conflict.


Sometimes we question why God has allowed this challenge in our lives. Other times I've found that the greater struggle is in figuring out how to navigate the world of being a Christian in the world of someone who has BPD or NPD or any other mental or emotional struggle. That is tough. How much do we lay down our lives? Can we set boundaries if we are Christians? If so, what does that mean and how can we show the love of Christ?

Are these any of the struggles you and your husband might be having?

 
Wools