BPDFamily.com

This is what daughter texted me after 8 days of not contacting me
I apologize for all the inappropriate words:

BPD/ I need my car back you dirty whore go wash it and return it to me immediately

Me:You know it by now my love I won’t respond to you till  you know how to choose your words.

BPD:Don’t respond that’s fine you dumb bitch
Just give me my car whore

Me:Nothing will be done untill you calm down I’m sorry
I completely refuse  to talk to you untill you talk the way you do. Love is there but boundaries too.
then she sent me 20 more text saying all those words with no respect and claiming that i need to act like a real mom unless i will be the same.

I feel so sad and heart broken.
is there a hope for this girl?

I’m so heart broken

 Hi AleMTN

I am so sorry to hear that you received such an abusive text message and I would like to say that IMO I think you responded extremely well, you stayed calm and asserted your boundary. It must have taken all you’ve got, despite feeling so heartbroken, to respond to her in that way. I hope that even in your sadness you manage to feel proud of yourself for standing firm x   

Thats scary. You should gave zero contact with this person for your safety. I'm sorry yr sad but clearly in the end when you are away from this person you will feel lucky to have gotten away and find kind true love in your life

Those words are extremely abusive... .

What's the deal with her car? My mom got on my face (literally) and threatened me with a lawyer to return her truck  (which I had originally given to her,  but I had a friend keep it because I knew the DMV had pulled her license).

Hi AleMTN  

I am so sorry to hear you received this abusive text (and the 20 that followed) is hurtful and heart breaking for you, I agree with Feeling Better you responded extremely well, you stayed calm and asserted your boundary; in a kind, gentle, respectful and firm way.

You are continuing your message to her since your post about the wedding, verbal abuse, disrespect towards you is unacceptable. As Turkish asks what's the issue about the car that she's presently focused, reached out to you about?

I'm also wondering what she means by 'claiming that i need to act like a real mom unless i will be the same.' What does 'act like a real mom' mean in her world, our kids can often expect, demand we rescue them even though they are adults. Unpacking this may be helpful for you, what are her underlying expectations driving her behaviour?

How long has she been verbally abusing you AleMTN?

Hugs to you, and yes I believe there hope, to get to a better place, by making changes ourselves as you are.

WDx  

thank you for the replys and questions.

since she likes my car better she asked me to switch cars for a while and i agreed. now just because she wants to have connection with me ( i am assuming ) with anger and abuse words she is asking that she wants her car back. i told her not until she talks to me with respect.
one of the reply maintain how can i get close to this person but this person is my daughter how can i not?
about me not being a good mother. she always told me she hates me since she was 12 she always blame everything on me as i said i probably did mistake unwontedly when i gave birth to my son when she was only 16 mouths but through all therapies in her life i apologized many times but this doesn't do it. two years ago my husband and i had a big issue in life and i left home now i live in a tiny apartment close to their home even though me and my husband are ok and we want to get back but she was traumatized by this and now she has all the right to talk to me the way she wants. she never came to my place accept once and she physically hurt me then she apologized and left after that she never came back. since then she says you are not a good mother other wise you would not leave. she always used un appropriate word to me and as i said her father never stood up to say don't talk to your mother like that and if i did she would make a sin then my husband would make a fight with me that why do you do this to her don't you see she has got problem! on that time we didnt know about BPD we knew she has depression and anxiety and mild bipolar. i hope i was able to answer your question. thank you again all for reading my posts and supporting me.

Hi AleMTN


I understand all the apologies, I couldn’t tell you how many times I apologised to my uBPD son and like you, not one single apology made any difference. I used to blame myself and think that I was a failure as a mother too, but I am sure that you were the best mother that you could’ve been, so please try not to think otherwise   


AleMTN, this does NOT give your daughter the right to talk to you the way she wants, not at all. It sounds as though you and your husband are working through the problems in your marriage which is really good, but the fact that you moved out does not give her the right to treat you in a bad way and make you feel guilt for what you did. Have you read about Fear, Obligation and Guilt? I will give you the link here just in case you’ve not seen it before:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

I hope that reading this link helps you in some way x 

hi everyones, thank you so much for all the replys. i was so down that didnt open my computer to come to the chat! she really got me there this time. her new way is she text me with the most abusive, hurtfull words then she blocks me! that way she can say and dosent hear. i dont mind hearing but not all this nasty words! she tells me names that really puls me down with her. she even talks bad behind my parents that they are no longer alive can you belive this? i am so angry with her that can not stand her. her dad on the other hand tells me not to be harsh with her if she tells you or text you these thing dont listen and ignore and that even makes me more upset because he is not willing to educate himself and he doesnt listen to me and doesnt want to belive me that she has got issue there and we must know what to do. he thinks we have to let her do what ever she wants  :help:
thats why after all i did with reading and searching and looking in to this matter when i saw me by myself cant do much specially when her dad gave everything to her all her life and she is daddy"s girl who am i here? there is absolutely nothing i can do all by myself. so i was down for a few weeks. we are supposed to see our therapist this week with my husband i hoping he can understand the seriousness of her problem.two days ago she texted my sister to say what did i do to my mom that she does this to me? i need her in my life. she blocked me of course.( i blocked her because she was sending me negative and abusive text then she would block me so i blocked her too) right after i heard that from my sister i unblocked her and said you are unblocked text me when ever you can talk to me with limits and respect. then i saw that she still has not unblocked me. how ever my sister texted her hi my love i really dont know what is going on between you and your mom, its better to talk to her. then she starts attacking my sister she goes shame on you as a aunt i am so ashamed to have a aunt like you! then my sister doesnt answer her back.its a every day struggle.

Hi AleMTN, I'm new here too and I'm glad you're here. Your story sounds a lot like mine. My 25-year-old daughter has said/texted some very hurtful ugly things to me over the years. Like my favorite musical artist, Jason Mraz, sings in his song, "Wordplay," "I'm all about them words" and so I seek out helpful sayings. One that helped me and may help you is something from Al-Anon called the three C's. They're talking about a loved one's alcoholism, but it works for me when I start feeling guilty about my daughter's BPD:

I didn't Cause it
I can't Control it
I can't Cure it

I hope you are taking care of yourself. I know how hard that is - I posted earlier in my own thread and signed off saying I have to work tomorrow and I'm going to bed. Here I am, not going to bed, haha. I can totally relate to your pain and, in my short time here (just over 24 hours!) I've been helped by other people sharing and reminding me I'm not alone so I decided a little less sleep is ok right now. 

Hi AleMTN

How difficult and frustrating this must all feel for you. I am sorry to hear that your husband is not being supportive and that he doesn’t take on board your concerns and worries, he is just not listening to you. How does that make you feel AleMTN? It sounds very invalidating to me 

It’s a very hard situation to be in when you are the only one who is aware that there is a problem, and as you wisely know, there is nothing you can do if your husband is in denial.

You said that you are supposed to see your therapist this week, I hope that you feel able to share with us the outcome of that meeting x 

Hi there. 

I'm so sorry that you are at the receiving end of such abuse.  I have been there too.  I have also had problems making my husband understand and support me as my BPDD36 would  be so different with him and change tack the moment he was around.  It nearly broke us up too. 

We have come through it now and my h now absolutely understands and the minute he did my d turned on him.  Now I'm her go to person after years in the wilderness!  Not sure that is good for me at times though.

I don't know if this would help you but I used to forward any abusive messages/emails straight to my husband too.  It might not have been a wise move but it sure made me feel a little better.  I'm only human after all.

   

Hi, my daughter for some reason since she got to know herself around her birthday had has the most miserable time of her time. she get anxious, moody, she doesn't know what she wants, no matter what we do for her doesn't satisfy her, she had the best of best birthday parties all her life we went all out to make her happy but in all her parties every one had blast except herself and me and her would always ended up  coming come with a sad episode or sad face. my husband and I a month before her day are anxious and worried. still today that she is going to be 25 soon we are helpless because she expect people around her to make her happy even though she doesn't have friend. how every it has been 4 weeks that she had sent me extremely abusive text and blocks me she send it then right away blocks me!  she doesn't wast to hear back. how ever she was block in my end too until last week then i decided to unblock her and send her a message that you can send me a message any time you like as long as you don't go over your limit. my text didn't go through because i was blocked. her birthday is coming up next week what do you think i should do

Hi, my daughter for some reason since she got to know herself around her birthday had has the most miserable time of her time. she get anxious, moody, she doesn't know what she wants, no matter what we do for her doesn't satisfy her, she had the best of best birthday parties all her life we went all out to make her happy but in all her parties every one had blast except herself and me and her would always ended up  coming come with a sad episode or sad face. my husband and I a month before her day are anxious and worried. still today that she is going to be 25 soon we are helpless because she expect people around her to make her happy even though she doesn't have friend. how every it has been 4 weeks that she had sent me extremely abusive text and blocks me she send it then right away blocks me!  she doesn't wast to hear back. how ever she was block in my end too until last week then i decided to unblock her and send her a message that you can send me a message any time you like as long as you don't go over your limit. my text didn't go through because i was blocked. her birthday is coming up next week what do you think i should do

oh i wish that would work for me as well, done that! he said please do not involve me in to your kayos! but the good news is today we had a couple therapy and what it came out of was he learned he needs to stop pleasing her so much he needs to stop spoiling her enough is enough. hopefully he learned next time when my daughter text him and calls me a B... .he tells her stop calling your mother names.
we'll see.

hi AleMTN,

it sounds like therapy went well.

what did you learn?

Hi AleMTN


This is what I would do and I am not saying that you should do this, but it seems to me that what you have been doing in the past has not been working. At her previous birthdays your daughter has always been miserable and sad, you have also felt sad and now you are already feeling anxious about her upcoming birthday. If it was me, I would ask her (assuming you can make contact with her somehow), what she would like to do for her birthday, and just go with it. If she says she doesn’t want to do anything (if she herself finds birthdays stressful), I would ask her if that is really what she wants and let her know that you respect and accept her wishes. Actually, I think that respecting and accepting her wishes should apply whatever her answer is. You might find that she just doesn’t enjoy the social aspect of a birthday party and would prefer to spend her time with just you and your husband.

AleMTN, I am so pleased for you that your therapy session with your husband was a success. It’s definitely a step in the right direction, no wonder you are jumping for joy, hope you don’t mind if I join you 

Hi AleMTN

Birthdays, celebrations like for many of our children have always been difficult for my DD, overwhelming. Moody and anxious as you describe.

I've always followed the advice Feeling Better gives, asked DD how she'd like to celebrate and validated her choice. If to do nothing, I'd respect that. A card, present, flowers, a hug (if allowed). I kept it as chilled as possible and took direction on the day of any changes in mood. I'd remind myself this is about her, what she needs, not me. It is sad, heart breaking no 18th, 21st. I felt like the worst mother. Things can however change AleMTN, DD managed to organise and celebrate her 30th last month in style with a party at home. She organised the whole event, we and friends helped.

Right now you are in a difficult position, she's blocking you. Perhaps you can drop off a card, letting her know you are thinking of her and if she feels able to meet with you on her birthday you'd love to see her? Place the ball in her court?

WDx

i read your advises and i thank you for that. on Friday night we were invited to a family gathering my daughter and my husband picked me up she was in the back of her car not paying attention and playing with her phone. as i enter the car i said hi that was it. as we got there i told her that i have missed her can i get a hug she was welcoming she said i have missed you too that night went well. she asked me if i can go shopping with her the day after and obviously my answer was yes. we went out the day after she was ok until in a bout a minute she started saying i don't want to shop anymore let s go home i could see the rage in her face mu response was are you sure? do you want to go eat first or do you want to go home? she said ok lets eat on the way going to eat. her brother and her sister throw her a birthday party at a club and she new it and she was happy about it but that moment she decided to cancel it she said i don't want this i want to cancel because i don't have any friends it is embarrassing for me. it is all your fault if you never left home we could be a family and all i wanted  was a family dinner. ( she never know what she wants and expect others do something out of this world  to make her happy and that never had and will appends even a family dinner would be a disaster ). i told her i understand how she feels and she has a right to be anxious as i validate her feeling her range goes up! she goes oh ya? no you don't when you left home all my friends left me its all your fault ok no lunch lets go home.
i dropped her off home and left. 4 hours later i texted her how are you feeling then she bombarded me with nasty abusive text pages and pages. first i said OK then i said NP at the end i said listen i love you and i tried to be in touched with you on your birthday week but i guess you are going over your limit again happy birthday. i have to block you! now i am regretting blocking her i don't want to abundant her but i did. then she started texting my husband saying the ugliest thing about me and manipulating him why doesn't he divorce me.
please advise me what do we do with her. my husband was crying of helplessness

AleMTN, I’m so sorry to hear that it all blew up again 

How are things today, has it calmed down a bit?

You are doing amazingly well with sticking to your boundaries, and also validating your daughter, but please try not to be too hard on yourself though for blocking your daughter, she needs to understand that there will be consequences if she doesn’t respect your boundaries.

How is your husband, is he coping better today? x 

no i have not heard from her and my husband also is not doing great. he texted her today about he is not happy the way she acted on Saturday night, she needs to stop this ( he still doesn't know what to do or say) she replied i am not even reading your texts and said to him don't forget my birthday has not started yet its on Wednesday and she wants cash!
i texted and called her therapist but unfortunately he does not answer any of mine or my husband messages i am not sure if this is normal or not? i am frustrated and numb. i will leave her blocked and just go day by day. to me she is a spoiled girl that till this age she has not heard no and she cant take one. with my husband around her nothing will change.

sometimes consequences have unintended consequences of their own, that escalate the conflict, where giving space may give everyone the room to cool off.

ending/resolving conflict is important in building love and trust. it usually has to start with us.

i was wondering if youve seen this article and had the chance to read it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

where do you see each person as it pertains to the triangle?

Hi AleMTN

I’m wondering how you are, how did your daughters birthday go? I hope that you all managed to get together and do something as a family for her birthday x 

I have also experienced that type of abuse from our daughter. As time has gone on, I am now to the point of blocking her calls until I am able to emotionally cope with the pain, stress and  to not respond in an angry manner.I warned her in advance  that I would be starting to do this. It is a boundary that seems to work a little. I expect her alcohol abuse contributes to this and her BPD is worse then. I do not know if you feel safe to do this. It was initially hard since I always worry for her 4,5 year olds.Our daughter has never attempted suicide or self-harmed but was (  is?) bulemic.

You did well staying calm and rational!