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My ex girlfriend and I were together for about 9 months. I broke up with her about 8 months ago due to the usual BPD cheating, lying, and abuse.  She spent two months chasing me around town to get me back. She even went and got my name tattooed on herself  to get me back. I saw past all her BS, and sure enough I was right. Two weeks after she stopped hitting me up, she started dating some fat, ugly "friend" of hers. I had doubts about him our entire relationship.

I'm completely no contact with her. All the new girls I've hooked up with since her have been BPD as well, but since I was aware of all the red flags I never committed to them. I seem to only attract/be attracted to BPD women or women with strong BPD traits. I've been on dates with "normal" girls but they were usually less attractive and had no personality compared to the BPD girls I've been with.

Now, I'm just miserable. It feels like I've just thrown in the towel with dating. The highs of the relationship with my BPD ex, the instant connection, and the almost primal attraction makes dating anyone new and healthy feel like sitting through an Amy Schumer comedy special.

I've been to therapy and I definitely have NPD with ASPD traits. I stopped going two weeks ago because I felt the therapy sessions weren't doing anything for me anymore. Am I doomed to repeat the same relationship cycle with the same BPD women? How the hell do I break out of this?

Hi mikenike,

It is okay to take breaks from dating to stop and reassess your role in what kinds of partners you are finding and try to set yourself on a new path. That can be a fine approach to things!

I know it might seem pretty plain to go with a non BPD gal, but if you want that you might want to slow down and build up your appreciation for that kind of partner. Focus on the plus side of that, and there are some plus sides I'd wager.

What would you ideally want in a partner may I ask?

Also, do you really think you've met that many women with BPD or BPD traits? I've dated a fair bit over the last 30 years and I can't imagine meeting so many partners with these issues in that time! But anything is possible I guess!

take care, pearl.

Ugh, Amy Schumer--I really want to like her, too. "I Feel Pretty" had some funny moments.

Anyhow, I hear you. My exBPDgf were on /off almost 3 years, and the last woman I fell hard for before her seemed NPD. It's not hard to figure out why I attract them--I was a neglected child, then a neglected spouse. This makes me a sitting duck for lovebombers, and I don't always recognize emotional unavailability.       

Like you, I'm struggling with the fact that all other connections seem less vibrant than the emotional, sexual Napalm that was my relationship with exBPDgf. My closest platonic friendships don't feel fulfilling, though I'm glad I have them for companionship and support. Family gatherings don't interest me much, and even a sex romp with a much-younger hottie doesn't scratch the itch. I crave human interaction, and then when I get it, I often find it disappointing. Too filled with small talk and little bumps and bruises. Not physical enough, not close enough.   

Like you, I tried therapy and felt it didn't help much after the initial breakup crises. I also think I have some NPD or BPD traits, which certainly isn't helpful when it comes to creating healthy, fulfilling relationships. You ask how do you get unstuck? I don't know, how do you think you get unstuck?

I'm trying to get unstuck by writing and read here a lot, and reading other self-help, "how to be happy" type books. I try to do things I enjoy. I make myself socialize, but give myself down time too. Lots of introspection. That's all I've come up with so far.

Hi Mikenike,

Welcome to the BPD family!  Sorry for what brings you here, but you will find a lot of support and opportunities to discuss what’s on your mind.

To answer your question about being doomed to repeat the same types of relationships- maybe since you have become aware of BPD traits through therapy, etc.  these traits may be more on your radar.  The traits we consider “BPD” are also found in varying amounts in the general population.  Give yourself some time to gain your balance.  I don’t think statistically you are doomed!  . Unless you continue seeknout people with these traits.

Long ago, when my uBPDh and I were dating, I dated some nice, polite guys who were crazy about me.  But, being the Codependent I am/was, I chose to chase after someone more exciting and rejecting.  This was my problem.  Maybe we should be the source of our own excitement instead of hooking ourselves to someone else’s energy.  What do you think?

Looking forward to hearing how you are doing and your thoughts.

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