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SD11 has been in therapy for the past few months.  The therapist actually began treating my S9 last year, so my H and I already knew and trusted him.  Therapist is very well qualified, works extensively with kids, and is certified in DBT.

As part of the custody modification we got this summer, H now has sole mental health decision-making for SD11, although uBPDmom is entitled to information about therapy appointments.

uBPDmom detests the therapist.  She believes that the therapist is trying to "remother" her child, and that he is pulling the strings to force H into changing custody and having me adopt SD11.   Before SD11's first appointment, uBPDmom tried to change it to family therapy with herself and SD; therapist deferred to H (who had made the appointment) and H said no, the appointment is to help SD11, not her mom.  uBPDmom has made it very clear that she wants the "family therapy" because the only problem here is that SD11 doesn't understand everything her mom is going through, and this would be a way for uBPDmom to convince everyone that she is a great mom doing nothing wrong.

After a few sessions, H, SD11, and therapist discussed mom's request, and told SD11 it is up to her if she wants her mom to join her for one session so that the therapist can see how they interact.  SD11 was literally shaking when they talked about it, so H again told uBPDmom no.

uBPDmom has tried to get the therapist fired from one practice he contracts with.  She's filed a professional complaint.  She's left horrid voice mails and emails for him.  She constantly denigrates him to H, recently escalating to using very racist language.  She frequently tells SD that this therapist is evil and trying to steal her away and SD should not talk to him.  We fairly frequently remind SD that the therapist had no input whatsoever into the custody change - that we never even asked him his opinion, because he's her safe space.  We also use humor - the therapist can't be evil because my goal in life is to be the evil stepmom, and everyone knows there's only ONE evil villain per story.

H told her point-blank this weekend that he is not going to consider changing therapists because she will just hate the next one and the one after that too.  There's a specific therapist that uBPDmom wants to use - a former colleague (they both worked at CPS) who listened to uBPDmom and agreed that "family therapy" is all SD11 needs.  H said hell no.

We are not sure what else to do to stop this nonsense.  Any ideas?

Hi worriedStepmom,

Hold your boundary and keep your SD's Therapist.  Your DH has decision-making, you have a qualified therapist, your SD seems comfortable with the Therapist stick with it.

My SO's uBPDxw was given Therapy decision-making (put the fox in charge of the hen house ).  I think the judge figured any Therapist worth their salt would recognize the problem.  She put her daughters in therapy with a Therapist who I'm sure had good intentions, but who had poor boundaries.  Mom actually crashed one of her daughters sessions.  This Therapist was ineffective.

It took D17 (13 at the time) to make a suicide threat, go inpt, and get diagnosed with PTSD before a truly good Therapist came on the scene.

Honestly at this point, you've told her there will be no change.  Going forward, I would send a brief message something like... .please refer to my email dated __-__-__ I do not intend to change SD Therapist (repeat as many times as needed).  Don't get sucked into an argument (Don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  As Nancy Regan would say... ."Just say No" you will not be changing Therapists.

Panda39

That would be a HUGE conflict of interest and a breach of ethics. The fact that the therapist would even say something like this--if she actually did--- is way out of line.

Since the origins of her anguish are internal, there is little that can be done externally to make this right.

If you cave, then it confirms for her that the source of her suffering is external, when the opposite is true.

What a relief that your H has decision-making over this.

For your SD11, ditto to what Panda39 said.

Maybe reaffirm to SD11 that mom has a hard time regulating her feelings, and that you hope she finds someone who can help her with that, and she needs to work on those skills on her own first.

Meanwhile, letting her know that the therapist stays the same, and you and H are there to make sure that stays a safe place for SD11. She can tell you how she feels and what she wants, and you and H are the deciders.

I found my son felt a weight off his shoulders when he was told that it wasn't his decision to make. The BPD parent puts them in a parentified role inappropriately and that makes our kids even more sensitive to having decisions that could upset either parent. "Your job is to be a kid" is what I said to then S11.

About concerns you might have with the T. My ex did the same thing with our son's first therapist, and with the parenting coordinator (child psychologist). Ex filed professional complaints and threatened to destroy their careers. My therapist has been sued twice by borderline patients and walked me through what happens in our state. Many have insurance in case they are sued, and it sounded to me like there are safeguards in place to protect people professionally for exactly this kind of scenario.

SD11 saw her therapist again today.  (Because H has a new job, he's authorized me to take her and speak with the T.) At the start of the session, I brought up uBPDmom's concerns.  SD reiterated that she does not want her mom to attend a session with her.

After, T assured me that SD is very firm that H and I are not "trying to take her away from her mom" and that T is not part of a conspiracy theory.  He told me that he's kept all the nasty voicemails uBPDmom left for him as "evidence".  I didn't ask whether he meant evidence in whatever case she eventually brings against him or if he meant for the next time we have to go back to court to further limit uBPDmom's time. 

uBPDmom, meanwhile, has been in a snit since Friday.  She didn't read the court order correctly and thought it was her weekend with SD, and then was angry that H wouldn't give her half the weekend anyway.  Every single week she asks for a waiver from the order - either more time for her or that H does the pickups/drop-offs - and doesn't understand why H is being so mean and won't work with her.

That culminated today with an announcement that she's made an appointment to take SD to family therapy with uBPDmom's former therapist.  She spilled enough that her therapist asked to see a copy of the court order authorizing her to consent to medical care.  She either thinks that family therapy falls under medical care or didn't read the next page of the document which states that H has sole right to consent to psychological treatment.   

We are trying to decide whether to wait and let him read it and tell her that she doesn't have that power... .or send it to him ourselves in case she didn't include the full order ... .or tell her point-blank she doesn't have that right (cue major storm of poo).

Can you email it to him and cc her at the same time?

This seems promising that he won't move forward without seeing the CO.

Luckily, uBPDmom's therapist is conscientious.  uBPDmom just called all mad that her therapist cancelled the appointments unless H agrees.  She was apparently so angry that she picked SD up from school early today, just to get back at H.  (When he asked her why she went early, she repeated 8 times "What are you going to do about it?")  So tomorrow H is going to school with a copy of the court order stating that uBPDmom's time of possession begins when school is released, so that uBPDmom can't pull SD out of school again.

uBPDmom is now insisting that SD has agreed to family therapy with her as long as it is with SD's current therapist.  I had told SD this morning that if she doesn't want to do family therapy with mom, it's okay to let her dad be the bad guy who says no.  So we will wait until we get SD back on Wednesday to see what she really wants.

I faced that situation a decade ago with my son.


Years later, after I had become Legal Guardian, I took him to see a counselor on the other side of town, nearly an hour away, that was recommended.  She had a nice talk with him but I don't think we had more than a few visits due to the distance.  Near the start I asked whether his mother should bring him too.  She was aghast, "Oh, no!"  As I look back, I realize I hadn't yet shed my "too fair" personality.  Too often us Nice Guys and Nice Gals don't know when to stand up for ourselves and our kids.  Sorry, but fairness in high conflict circumstances just would sabotage us.

Don't feel guilted that the ex can't have a blamefest.  The kids come first.

Do you think these recent storms are because of the change in custody from the summer?

Or does this seem to precede the change, maybe have something to do with the effects of T on SD11?

It's a little of all of it -

• going to the T/speaking about the T at all (because uBPDmom conflates the T with the custody change)
• the slow realization that H actually intends to stick to the new custody order
• and the minor boundaries that SD has tried to set in the last few weeks.

SD has only recently felt strong enough to set boundaries, and there has been a lot of backlash.  Last week SD told her mom that she didn't want to be the messenger between her parents, and uBPDmom had a major meltdown, accusing him and T of brainwashing SD and threatening not to pick SD up.

I think uBPDmom feels a complete loss of control at this point - she has no say in when she sees her daughter and SD is starting to be more independent.

Did she even think though that last threat, assuming the order states the receiving parent does the pick-up?

It doesn't make any sense, does it?  We haven't figured out an effective way to handle these threats yet - validate uBPDmom, ignore uBPDmom and expect her to show up, or ignore uBPDmom and if she doesn't show, just keep SD?

It is, unfortunately, a sad pattern.  Before we changed custody, every time uBPDmom got mad at H she would call and tell him "just keep her for a few days then".  H always dropped SD off on schedule so he couldn't be accused of violating their agreement/uBPDmom couldn't say he was stealing her daughter.  I think she just wanted SD to call and beg to be with her again.

I am positive that this last threat was to make SD "prove" she loves uBPDmom - the exact words were "I think you should stay with your dad for a few days.  If you want to come home, convince Daddy to drive you."  H called uBPDmom and reamed her out ("This is YOUR time on the calendar, your daughter is expecting you, you promised that you would be here, so show the f up.").  She finally came, then accused H of wanting her to give up all parental rights so I could adopt SD and saying H made me have an abortion (um... .what the heck?. He walked away at that point.).  So it's possible she just wanted to fight with H and used SD as an excuse to escalate since he wouldn't engage about the therapist choice.  Or it's possible she's that scared.

I kept SD away from their discussion, and she just hugged me and said "I don't understand why mom wants me to stay here."  I validated SD's confusion and frustration and then told her we're all trying our best and the entire situation still sucks.

SD's therapist thinks uBPDmom was trying to punish SD for pushing back, with the best punishment she can think of - loss of access to her mom.

uBPDmom is also really unhappy she has to do all the driving now. She's tried a different excuse every week to get H to drive, so that might have also played into the threat.

[Sorry for the word vomit... .I'm frustrated today.]

As long as H has documentation that SD's mother declined or failed to pick up her daughter, then H can just go on with his life and you all can enjoy extra time with SD.  He didn't do anything — and not doing anything was okay according to the order since it was ex's obligation to provide transportation — it was mother who failed to do her part.

Yes, there is the factor that ex was upset with SD for whatever reason.  That should be handled so SD doesn't feel stuck in the middle.  However, once SD stays extra time with her dad a few times, it may become less and less of an issue, well, eventually.  You'd be surprised how quickly a new (and improved) normal can be established.

At some point H should view this as bonus time with his daughter.  Strange as it may sound, many ex-spouses who fought hard for parenting authority and time, let go of some of that time they fought for.  Is it so they have a nice public face (Mother of the Year)?  Is it that it's so hard for them to keep up with the every day obligations?  Is it that the children are older now, needing gradually increasing independence, and not the babies/toddlers/preschoolers they once were?  It might be a combination.

When H is more comfortable with the concept, probably SD too, let some extra hours and days slip in.  Gradually, and without fussing.  Let such incidents (in your favor) slide.  (Of course, when she is ramped up she's likely to make guilting demands.  Be aware, be prepared how to address them.)  Find out the amount of time that is closer to ex's comfort level for parenting, as long as it is more for H of course.  If that goes on for months and months, document it (journal, log or calendar) so that if ever H is back in court again, he can petition or motion the court to update the parenting schedule to reflect the current and better reality.

My marriage failed when my son was still a preschooler, less than 4 years old when we separated.  uBPD mother fought for every scrap of time and I started with alternate weekends.  Her conflict and entitlement didn't reduce when I moved up to equal time, nor when I moved up to being Legal Guardian (custody).  However, son was nearly 12 when I got majority time during the school year.  That, possibly also that son was by then a preteen, lessened her sense of entitlement conflict.  Now my son spends nearly every day with me when it is her time because she drops him off when she works.  It's not unusual to get extra overnights too.  Yes, she still periodically tells me she hates me, but I do get him more than I'm scheduled to and neither son or I complain about that.  If that's her comfort level and it doesn't disadvantage me, I won't complain.

 SD is at the appropriate age to start making being more independent. Good for her. My ex didn't like that stage of development with our boys.
I feel bad for SD. When it was suggested mom be included she started shaking. That says more than anything else.

I think that at some point in their teens (even before mom did her really bad stuff) the girls just emotionally past their mom by.

I've always thought mom is stuck at 14 or 15 emotionally.

Panda39

Thanks, y'all.  It is so nice to have others who have gone through this.

I like that phrasing - that the child emotionally passes up the mom.  I think that has already happened with SD.

We realized yesterday that we truly are the touchstone for SD.   She stayed the night before with uBPDmom, and mom was running late in the morning.  SD absolutely insisted that uBPDmom drop her off at our house rather than directly at school. (SD told mom from day 1 to pick her up and drop her off at our house and not school.)  They got here about 90 seconds before the bus - just enough time for SD to get a hug from me.

I will talk to H about letting it go when uBPDmom threatens to not pick SD up and celebrating our extra time with her.  We will need a plan on what to do when uBPDmom decides last minute later than night or the next day that she wants SD for the rest of the possession time.  Should we tell her that X is the start time, and if you miss it you give up the whole weekend/school night, or do we accommodate?  I want to minimize the stress and disruption of tons of last-minute changes, because she is unable to comprehend that other people don't sit around waiting to be available for her.

There probably is no right-or-wrong answer so use your best judgment.

I did face a similar dilemma.  It was post-divorce, I now was Residential Parent for School Purposes and son (about 6 or 7) was attending my area's school.  After school he would stay at the nearby daycare where he would be picked up by me or his mother, depending on whose time it was.  Well, she decided to feel "unsafe" picking him up from my daycare.  (Maybe that was valid, I had first used a daycare she had used before but she tried to pick him up early and when they refused, following the order because of prior conflict, she must have had another incident because they "withdrew services".)  So she refused to pick son up from daycare when her parenting time started at 6 pm and insisted I bring him to the sheriff's office instead which we had used when we had first separated and during the divorce.  So I took him home.

An hour or two later she arrived with a police officer.  I stated she had refused to pick him up and so he was with me.  He pleaded with us to make the exchange.  (I've concluded an officer's primary goal is to defuse the immediate incident.)  I declined and told him she always postured and manipulated.  He advised "fix this in court" and they departed.  I kept him that night and she picked him up the next day after school.  I had no problem with that, after all, it was her parenting time.

Yes, the officer did put me under pressure but by then I was fed up with her whipsawing me like a yo-yo.  Yeah, I was peeved but behaved perfectly normal during their visit.  I didn't get in trouble for it.  The officer was stymied which is why he told us to fix it in court.  They are not inclined to 'enforce' the order, typically they refer us back to court to have the issue addressed.

Your SD is of course older than my son was.  Dad demanded mother pick her up.  What would SD have preferred to have happened?  While we don't want the kids to be in the middle, I'm guessing she would have been okay with staying?

She would have been okay with staying but she would have been (even more) upset that mom didn't want to see her.  H's big fear is that mom will abandon SD because utter dysregulation, and he wants to mitigate that... .but at some point he will need to stop trying to manage the relationship between mom and SD.

If ex says to keep SD I would. Just write down the incident as best as you can remember. Include the time and date. Over time you will a list of times ex did similar things. Having it in writing as the events occur can be used in court if ex goes in that direction. Ex would have to explain it to the court and she can't.
 
Maybe the T can help SD with her feelings that her mom doesn't want to see her. That could be fog on SD's part. Having an outsider that she trusts work this out is probably the best for SD. Learning those coping skills at such a young age is tough but it is the reality of the situation.

 

Luckily for us, ex is terrified of court - she honestly thinks the judge will take one look at her and rule immediately that she can never see SD again.  I do not believe she will ever take us to court, or that she is likely to show up at a hearing if H goes back to court.

I completely expect that we will be back in court within the next few years asking that SD spend even less time with her mom.  I'll start documenting all of these "you keep her" moments, even if she eventually comes to get SD. 

uBPDmom convinced SD11 to do family therapy.  According to uBPDmom, all she had to do was explain what family therapy is, and SD agreed, provided that they use SD's current therapist.  Mom said she told SD that H and the T wouldn't allow it, and SD responded "of course they will, if I say I want it," which is basically what I told her last week. 

H waited until SD returned to our house to ask her what she really wanted.  SD said she wants to talk to her mom, but NOT alone, and not with H in the room.  Apparently after her therapy session last Monday and a week to think about it, she's ready to confront her mom but she's still a little scared.  T has said in the past that SD is consistent about not wanting to have any conversations in front of both of her parents - he thinks that SD is trying to protect H from mom's dysregulation.  I think SD is worried about her mom trying to force a loyalty test.  H agrees his presence would trigger uBPDmom.

T agreed to hold a single joint session with SD and uBPDmom, provided both parents show up first to discuss their goal for the session as it relates to SD.  T suggested next week, after SD's regularly scheduled appointment, so that he has a chance to talk to SD and see what her goals are.  H is going to make sure that he brings SD to the joint session and then brings her back home with him after - she will not go directly from the session to her mom's time of possession.

Have any of your kids directly confronted their uBPDparents on the behaviors that bother them? I do not have a good feeling about this.

I think if your SD feels ready, the Therapist will be there for support, and mom and dad have agreed to the goals (guidelines) of the session I don't see a problem.

This is about your SD asserting herself and her feelings, is mom going to like it probably not but your SD does need to learn that her feelings are just as important as her mother's, and that confrontation though uncomfortable does need to happen sometimes.  Then there will be some processing and working through mom's reaction. (The reaction could be immediate in the session or come later)

I think these are all things your SD will need to learn to negotiate her mom and her mom's problems.

My SO's youngest daughter has really struggled with her mom and mom's behaviors... .she is extremely conflict avoidant, people pleasing, has low self esteem etc.  Her mother has lied and steam rolled her for years. 

She recently had another financial issue with her mother (her mother promises things and then doesn't pay for them) Her Therapist suggested she confront her mother and she did... .big breakthrough for the conflict avoider.  Your SD and my SD both need to learn these tools or they will be walked over and taken advantage of through life.  They need to learn to stand up to their mothers so they can stand up to anyone in their lives going forward.

The above is colored by my own experience.  You know your situation best, why do you have a bad feeling about this? 

Panda39

Thank you, Panda, your words really resonated this morning.  My husband told me essentially the same thing before work.  He thinks this is the second giant turning point for SD. Six months ago she was brave enough to tell him how her mom's behaviors were affecting her.  He took action to protect her.  That redefined her relationship with us in some ways.  Now she feels safe enough to speak out to her mom... .and that this conversation will be the start of her redefining her relationship with her mom.

I am worried that mom is going to say something incredibly hurtful to SD, and potentially walk away from SD for an extended period.  I'm a little concerned that mom might become upset enough to actually move to a different state (where her boyfriend lives), and abandon SD.  (There is past precedent - years ago she was engaged, and during premarital counseling the priest made it clear that he didn't think the couple were right for each other.  She got in her car and drove until she got tired. A thousand miles later, she settled in our current state.)  I'm also worried that her verbal attacks on the therapist will increase - she has said incredibly racist things about him, and I suspect she will say them TO him in front of SD, and that makes me sad.

I think I'm trying too hard to protect SD from mom's reaction, and I can't/shouldn't.

Is your SD concerned that her mom will abandon her?  Have you discussed this possibility with the Therapist?  There are possible consequences to speaking out and how you might deal with those consequences.

Panda39

No, I doubt that has occurred to SD.  She also hasn't quite connected the dots between her mom's "stay with daddy for a few extra days" moments and anything that SD does.

I don't know if the T knows about uBPDmom's past history and earlier threats to move to her bf's state.  SD has another appointment Monday, before the "family therapy" session, and I'll make sure to speak with him privately about this before her appointment.

My H thinks that uBPDmom won't run away; he thinks she is more likely to get really mad at the therapist and at us for brainwashing SD.

I will state up front, I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counselor, not even a lawyer.  But I'm trying to come to grips why it is such a huge concern that a disordered parent follows though on a 'threat' to go away.  Yes, I know it can make a youth feel abandoned (or guilted by being blamed for that move) by one of her parents, the problem parent, but despite the downside there's also an upside, isn't there?

Maybe she will move, maybe she won't, but the point is that SD is finding that she has to establish some healthy boundaries.  That's a good thing long term even if it is difficult to get there.  For all we know, SD may feel relief to get this addressed, if not immediately then in time.

FOG

FEAR

Panda39

You guys are right.

I am still deep in the FOG.

I have trouble being objective in any way about how SD would feel if mom moves away, because I feel guilty to even think that it might be better for her not to have her mom so involved in her life.   I've spent years bending over backward to "prove" that I am not trying to steal uBPDmom's kid, and apparently that still filters my thinking.

However, I am confident I would feel absolute relief for H and I if uBPDmom moved far, far away.  That also makes me feel guilty - for being selfish and thinking more of how we the grownups are affected.

I need to go read the FOG info again.  This stuff is hard.

Is it guilt or is it love?

With love comes a natural inclination to be protective.

(splitting hairs here a bit... .)

To me, FOG is when you behave in ways that are counter to what is healthy for you. What you're doing sounds healthy. You have complicated feelings because the situation is complex, and because you feel love for someone you can't fully protect -- learning to protect herself (or become emotionally resilient) is something SD will learn with help from her therapist, and with support and love from you and her dad.

There is no one way that will bring relief because the situation is sad and tragic, for BPD mom and for SD (and you and H).

The complicated part for me, as someone with codependent traits, is to let go of what I cannot control. And to not try and protect someone from feeling painful feelings.

It's normal to not want loved ones to suffer. Where it gets weird is when we treat them as though they cannot cope. I think that's more about our own aversion to suffering. When I get out of my son's way, he always ends up being more resilient than I expected. I can generate an amazing storm of anxiety without noticing that he is actually ok.

S17's dad is no longer in his life and it's easier in many ways, and there will always be suffering because of his dad's absence. At the same time, S17 knows that it was also hard when his dad was in his life.

Both are painful.

The T had asked for both parents to specify their goals for the "family therapy" session.  uBPDmom sent a 2-page word document that was the typical "my daughter is my whole world" / justifications / long story about nothing / H is all screwed up because long untrue story about his parents / justifications.  She admitted that her goal was to defend herself because if SD would only understand, SD won't need therapy anymore because SD and uBPDmom will be soo close and happy.  

It was a highly amusing and very eloquent and detailed look at her disordered thinking.   I suspect this insight will be valuable for the T in structuring future private sessions with SD.

uBPDmom also admitted that she feels much calmer around SD now, and that SD talks to her a lot more now than before the custody change.  That was one of H's goals for the new schedule (that the more structured and limited time would help relieve some of uBPDmom's anxiety and allow her to be a better parent) so it is good that uBPDmom perceives that this is the case.

H and I talked in detail about my concerns and the collective wisdom of the crowd here, and he pretty much agrees with all of you.  He thinks the best possible outcome would be for uBPDmom to change states, but he also thinks it is unlikely she'd do it.

He thinks that I am underestimating SD - that I'm thinking of how D12 (whose other parent is mostly normal) would react and feel and projecting that onto SD11. SD has lived with her mom for a long time and knows how to handle some of these behaviors and get a word in edgewise and has much, much lower expectations of her mom.

He is actually hoping that uBPDmom throws an absolute tantrum in the session.  As awful as it would be, it would be like ripping off the band-aid for SD11.  She'd finally see the extent of her mom's dysregulation and be able to start processing it.

uBPDmom has requested that H not be present at all that day - that uBPDmom picks SD up from school, takes her to the appointment, and then brings her back to school (for the last 20 minutes of the day).  H was going to agree, but after listening to my concerns I think he will allow uBPDmom to pick SD up, then he will arrive just after the session starts and sit in the waiting room in case SD needs him, and then he will bring her home to our house.

She was wanting total control of the visit.  A concern is that a child could morph into timid or appeasement mode knowing that the parent had control before, during and after.

I recall when CPS interviewed my son, he had just started kindergarten the month before.  At the time his mother had temp custody and temp majority time.  CPS didn't have her bring him in to their offices nor interview in her house.  They chose to arrive unannounced at his school and spoke with him there.  (The case was eventually closed.)  I felt school wasn't a totally totally neutral place, she drove him there and picked him up there.  But it did work.

Just make sure SD knows H is nearby and can support.

And if H is not there then he can be portrayed as the evil monster my ex portrayed me as in our boys first therapy meeting. Ex picked the T and I only found out later. I contacted the T to say I wanted to be involved.
The T said after the first time I was there that the boys were very different. Ex was not there and they were behaving like "regular" kids. From what I gathered they were acting out the other three times. I took them there a few times and the T said she didn't think the boys and I needed to come anymore. She thought it was best if ex came herself. I never found out what went on in the beginning.

SD saw the T by herself yesterday, as prep for the "family therapy".  She told him that she "is not scared about Wednesday yet, but [she] might be by then." He told me she is much stronger than most kids her age.  T promised he will stop the session immediately if uBPDmom loses her temper or dysregulates and starts verbally attacking him.  I will be surprised if they make it past 30 minutes.

I asked SD whether she wanted mom or dad to take her to the appointment.  She didn't even let me finish the question.  She mistakenly thought Wed was her mom's night, and she wanted H to pick her up from school, wait outside, then after the session take her to her band lesson, then mom could pick her up from there.  She was relieved when I reminded her that she is out our house that night.

uBPDmom flipped out when H let her know about the change of plan.  She called SD (who was waiting for the school bus) and demanded to know why SD wouldn't let mom pick her up.  SD cried and wouldn't say anything.  So mom texted the T to cancel the appointment "because SD is anxious about it, and I don't want her to be anxious".  I seriously don't understand why she thought SD wouldn't be anxious or worried in some way about it.  If SD was perfectly fine and calm all the time, she wouldn't need therapy... .but then, I guess, mom doesn't think she actually needs therapy.

H was very firm with mom that this is her one chance for a family session with SD.  SD is going regardless of whether mom shows up.  Mom agreed to go... .and now she's acting as if H is forcing her to participate.  Mom says she feels "cornered" and that this will be a "stone-throwing party".

If SD wasn't in tears, it would be funny.

Mom is projecting her own anxiety on to SD  I'm sorry SD had to go through that... .par for the course unfortunately   Wouldn't be surprised if mom has more dysregulated episodes between now and Wednesday.

It will be interesting if mom shows up... .Fear/Anxiety vs relationship with daughter/keeping up appearances (super mom!)

Your SD is doing great!  Strong kid   

Keep us posted,
Panda39

uBPDmom worked herself into a state, made worse because neither the T nor my H would answer one of her dozens of phone calls.  She has zero ability to understand that you can't answer the phone if you are with a client.

She just called the school, had them pull SD out of class, and told SD that she is to stay at our house until she stops feeling anxiety about either the idea of family therapy or about talking to her mom - I'm not sure which.  uBPDmom says that SD is fine with that.

She will not be getting SD for her regular visitation tonight - even if uBPDmom changes her mind and shows up, she will have to deal with me before she will be able to see SD, and today is one of those rare days she has actual reason to be afraid of what I will say.

H was right.  This week was a turning point in SD's relationship with her mom.

SD is FED UP. 

She told us "Mom has had anxiety for at least 5 years.  If she won't come get me until my nonexistent anxiety is gone, that means she either expects me to magically get over anxiety in a week - which she can't do herself and she's a grownup and I'm a kid -  or she doesn't want to see me for 5 years."

SD refused to talk to uBPDmom on Tuesday night, other than "You said I could talk to you when I'm ready.  I'm not ready right now."  uBPDmom showed up at our house at 9 pm and demanded that H wake SD up because mom needed to talk to her (um, NO).   Mom spent half an hour talking at H on the front porch.  She "can't be a mom if [she] only sees SD 2 days a week", and H should give her more time, mixed with "SD is doing so much better at my house lately".  She can't see the connection between those 2 statements. She asked H if she could take SD to a different therapist for 'family therapy'.

So we have now confirmed the pattern.  She's going to continue to schedule family sessions to prove she's a good mom. She will use H's refusal to send SD to a new therapist to prove she's a victim, and if he agrees to family therapy she will invent a crisis to get out of going.  She feels like she is fighting for her child without actually doing anything.

mom did not show up at the T appointment, so SD worked on language she will use when mom pressures SD to prove she wants to go with mom. ('I love you and I am looking forward to seeing you the next time you come to pick me up.')  H will start using similar language.  On the way home, SD told me what she'd learned about boundaries, and we talked about how boundaries are a way of proving to yourself that what you need is just as important as what the other person needs or wants.

uBPDmom continued to nag SD to talk to her, and scolded her for not immediately answering uBPDmom's texts.  SD responded a few minutes later, "I'm busy doing other things", and uBPDmom texted "but I am your MOTHER".

SD was angry.  She showed me the phone and said, "that's not fair.  Just because she's my mom it doesn't mean I have to drop everything." 

mom segued into her usual punishment of "well, maybe you should stay with daddy this weekend."  Rather than use her new script, SD said "ok, I do think I want to stay with daddy this weekend and not go to your house."  It is the first time she has EVER expressed a desire to not go to either parent's house on a scheduled time.  I asked SD if she could articulate why she doesn't want to go.  She started to say something and then stopped.  "I don't want to talk about that right now, stepmom.  I'll just say I have things I need to think about."  She had a calculating look, so I'm pretty sure she was testing me.  I gave her a hug, told her Daddy and I will support her wishes but that she can't stay here until she's 107 so eventually we'll have to talk about it, and then turned the TV on.   We just cuddled and watched until H got home, then she climbed in his lap and cried a little.

uBPDmom called H and told him she was packing all SD's stuff and he should come pick up everything including the cats (that H and I are allergic to).  He told her SD deserved a time out after the crap mom pulled this week, and that in 10 days uBPDmom should show up at our house on time to pick her up and be a mom. 

uBPDmom claims she made an appointment to see a T for herself.

I am so freaking proud of SD. 

Amen to that.

It took me into my 40s to learn that. How awesome that SD12 is learning it now! And right before her teen years, too  

Telling you she didn't want to talk about things right away is interesting.

When S17 learned about boundaries from his T, it kinda rocked my world a bit because we were so close. Then he started to pull away, compounded by teen years and a need for more privacy in general. All good. But I think the "boundaries" can also isolate them a bit if they use that language to not process how they feel.

I think it's good you said that she would need to talk about it eventually. Sometimes I think my son uses "boundaries" as a way to not sort through how he's feeling. He wants to donate the ukulele his dad gave him to the music program at school, and I feel like that needs to get discussed. "I'm not ready to talk about it" seems more like "I don't know how I feel and you're a complicated person to discuss this with," so I just say, "This is something T can help you work through -- at the very least, please give it a few weeks before you feel confident that it's exactly what you want to do."

I suspect she was testing me to see if I would push her to talk immediately or actually back off.

SD is normally very hesitant to talk to us about her mom or how she feels about her mom.  SD saves most of that for the therapist.  I'm thrilled with the amount she's opened up to us voluntarily this week already.  When she started to tell me about boundaries and what the T said to her I was so shocked I pulled into a parking lot and stopped the car so I could focus.  Usually she doesn't share more than "I feel better after talking to the T."

Our plan is to wait until Saturday or Sunday and revisit.  That gives her a few days to think AND a few days to see how mom reacts (which I suspect is part of whatever plan SD has).  We need to make sure that SD has a good understanding of why she is making her choices and that she's setting boundaries and consequences appropriately.  Punishing mom is not good.  Giving yourself a break to deal with or recover from harsh emotions is good.  Hiding because you're worried about mom's reactions may be good (if you're working on skills to de-escalate or manage your own emotions) or bad (if you're just postponing the inevitable). 

worriedStepmom,

You have every reason to be proud of your SD   She is doing a fantastic job managing all of this!

So not surprised mom didn't show   Your SD has emotionally passed her mother by.


She recognized the FOG and defended her Boundaries! Yay! She's rocking it! It isn't always easy for sure but she is managing a lot of tough stuff really well.

I'm with you,  I'm really proud of her too 

Panda39

uBPDmom has filed an ethics complaint against SD11's T with the state board, because "it is unethical to alienate a child from a parent if you haven't met that parent."  (She has told H that all forms of boundaries from SD and any validation that SD thinks uBPDmom has issues are forms of parental alienation.) I feel bad that he's going to have to fill out extra paperwork over this.

Yesterday evening I arranged for SD11 to spend a few hours with one of her best friends.  I think she really needed that.  SD told the friend's mom that she didn't sleep well Wednesday night, and that she spent half of her lunch period yesterday hiding in the bathroom.  She glossed over it when H asked about it and said she was only in the bathroom for a minute.

H has a program that copies all of SD's texts to a gmail account, but when he checked it there were no red flags.  Just a long text convo with uBPDmom yesterday evening that was really normal - no pressure, just funny stories.  (I am really happy that uBPDmom was able to do that.)

On the way to school I gave instructions to SD on where I will pick her up this afternoon.  SD looked at me really puzzled and asked, "Isn't it mama's weekend?"  I said "Yes, but I thought you didn't want to go there this weekend.  If you changed your mind, that's perfectly fine.  mom can still pick you up." 

SD said, "Oh, I forgot I said that. I do want to stay here with you and Daddy." 

I didn't want to make a big deal about it because we aren't sharing all the drama with the other kids and D12 was in the car, and we were almost at the school, but I'm not sure what to think about that exchange.

It sounds like SD is dealing with a lot of stuff and she probably just forgot. Our youngest was 4.5 when we separated. Ex out him in kindergarten when he was 5. He just met the legal requirement for age. He repeated kindergarten and I remember the teacher telling me he would go to the bathroom and be in there for an unusual amount of time. I think he was overwhelmed with everything going on in his life. Those first few years were the toughest for him and there was no way I could discuss any of it with ex. I learned very quickly that the best course of action from me was to parallel parent. Anything I shared with ex would be used to try to alienate him from me. His head must have been spinning. Separating that way created a dilemma for ex and her solution was to create her own reality. Eventually both our boys figured out their mom was not making sense. I believe they challenged her perceptions a few times only to feel her wrath.
Our boys are 19 and 15 now. This last mothers day ex told them that I am the number two supplier of marijuana in the city of Phila. She claims my mother told her all about. My mother passed away about two years ago. She further claimed that I am growing it in the city limits in a park within the city limits. They did laugh at her because it was so farfetched and she got angry. She then dug her heels in and tried to convince them even more. When they came home they talked to me about it. I just listened. 

Maybe for her: the crisis passed and she felt safe, let down her guard and wasn't tracking things closely because there are healthy loving adults who are doing that for her   

I think you are both right.

When school got out Friday, SD called her mom and said mom could pick her up at 3 pm on Saturday for the remainder of the weekend.  Mom works on Sundays during the day, so they really just had the two evenings together; SD spent Sunday with her grandmother.

H told SD she either needed to talk us through her thought process in making these decisions, or else she'd have to talk it through with her T at her next session.  She smiled and said she knew that; she was planning to talk to the T.

She came home this morning all smiles.  Told me that mom took her out for an ice cream date on Saturday and they talked for a long time.  We have SD until next Monday evening, so hopefully it will be calm here for at least a few days.