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These are my feelings now.

I am sad that I did not see the marriage for what it is, and here I am twenty years down the road married to a uBPD/uNPD H who puts me behind his children as a priority.  I am only an income source.  When the children were young, I was their unpaid nanny, cook and maid, doing everything in my power to keep every one happy.

I am hurt at the things H has done:  broken things (dishes, furniture), punched holes in the wall, raged at me and frightened the pets (they scatter and hide around the house), countless and frequent threats of divorce, insults and character assassination.

I am angry because I don't deserve this.  It's clear I have been used as a punching bag for H's dysfunctional childhood (and living in poverty) and his uNPD X W (his childhood sweetheart) who cheated on him, divorced him, married her lover and took their children.  His own self hate is also being projected.  I am angry my own FOO caused me not to see the dysfunction for what it was.

I am disgusted at H's behaviour but also my own ignorance for staying this long, not seeing his actions for what they were and for not knowing his pathology.  

I am ashamed at myself.  I feel so stupid for being mislead by H. The love bombing, the sweet words, the promises, only to wake up late in the game to see I was just being used to pad his income  (I had a successful job), be a house maid/nanny to his children when they were young (his children), then shown and told that I wasn't worth anything to anyone, and how no one in the world would take me if I divorced him.

I am older but much wiser.  Now when H dysregulates with violence and rages, I know he's doing it because he hates himself so much and hates his parents for his sordid upbringing.  It's all about him and not about me.

It makes the episodes a little easier to tolerate.  I have come such a long way in two years when H could reduce me to tears and begging with just one threat of divorce.  My self esteem is so much higher now.
  

   

What things have helped your self esteem get higher?

How long have you been able to sit with these feelings?  I pray you are able to be extra kind to yourself while you work through all this.

Best to you!

FF

Though painful, accepting all these feelings gives you power. You are strong enough that you can set aside illusion and see the truth.

These disorders are so fraught and we enter into these relationships without a clue of the person behind the mask.

You’ve done your best, so forgive yourself for not seeing the unknown and give yourself credit for being hopeful and optimistic that things would get better.

Now you know what you’re dealing with and you have choices to make. How do you want to spend the next 20 years?

   

Cat

Anger is normal. It's a sign that you are seeing that things cannot stay the way they are. I like FF's idea of sitting with those feelings for a moment. Experience them. Then, begin to look deeper. Anger is a sign that things need to change, but it's also a secondary emotion. It's an emotion caused by another emotion. What is the core emotion?

Grieve deeply for your marriage, for the hopes you had for your marriage, for the torture your H is in. Grief is a part of the healing process and for those of us in these relationships, we have to grieve frequently.

Hey AskingWhy,

Don't beat yourself up!  Most of us probably stayed way longer than what was healthy for us.  I suggest practicing self-compassion and self-love, which sounds easy but is actually pretty hard to do for most of us Nons.  The goal, in my view, is to get to a place where you care too much about yourself to allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse.  Presumably most of us Nons have FOO issues, which is one reason why we get into BPD relationships in the first place.  You're human, like the rest of us.  How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  Slowly, slowly.  It's all step-by-step from where you are today.

LJ

LJ said it all right there - Totally.   

AskingWhy,
It's been a long and painful journey to come front and center with all that you're feeling and contemplating. You're stronger now through learning everything you have understood in the last couple of years and can withstand it better, but now you're wondering what's next? Any ideas that you're pondering?

Cat