BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

My ex and I have started seeing each other again, trying to sort our previous issues out by being more open with each other. It has been going pretty well, but the one thing I don't understand is the "switch" like behavior, example:

We went out for the night, had a great time, came home, fell asleep together, everything was perfect. Woke up in the morning, we said good bye, she went to work, then the switch happened. She was saying she was not going to gym that night in case "something happens at gym and I don't enjoy it". Then she went off. Barely talking to me, one word answers. I tried to get her to come to gym but she was so off, then she wouldn't even text me. So later that evening I said "Feeling better?" , and she replies "I was never down". So I tried to call her, like 20 times (excessive I know, but I was determined to find out what happened), no answer, no reply, nothing. This morning I call her, and she was SO off with me, she said "You tried to call me like 20 times last night like a crazy person! I am not apologizing for something I didn't do, I am fine!". Then she says "You tried to get me to gym, and to do this and to do that, I just don't care!".

Right now she is reading my texts trying to explain that I just care for her and want her happy and she is not replying. I am SO confused right now.

I am aware of "splitting", but this is excessive. Can anyone help me understand?

Hi evs09,

What you've described is essentially the core of being with someone with BPD or BPD traits.

For us nons (people w/out BPD), we encounter hundreds to thousands of emotional ups and downs all day, but we can rebalance ourselves quickly once rational thought is applied.

Someone with BPD lacks this system and can be sent off by the slightest emotional stimuli.

To be with someone with BPD, you have to stay vigilantly aware that whats happening one moment might not be happening the next and the trigger might come from anywhere (this week with my wife it was a bowl of granola). 

In these heightened emotional states, trying to explain your position will only make it worse (didn't stop me last night, sigh). Suggest you take a look at this workshop about No JADEing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0).

How long have you and your ex known each other in total?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

Hi RolandOfEld,

Thank you for your response. We have known each other for 10 months + -

She now tells me that she wasn't in a bad mood yesterday, that I put her in one because I over react, and that I am annoying and that I am over reacting. She doesn't see that she is hurting me, and she says she won't apologize for something she didn't do.

At the end of the day, do I really deserve this? When it suits her, she will come down from her "mood" and everything will be ok for her, but I am left dealing with the aftershock, wondering when it's all going to happen again.

Hi evs09, you raise a vital question.

Do you deserve this? NO, of course not, and no human being in a relationship does. This took me many years to realize.

But if you have already acknowledged the reality of your partner's illness, you need to rephrase the question to, "Can you tolerate this?" Because it will happen, again and again. Unless your partner is taking major steps to get well, it will go on. You can hope for improvement on their part, but you cannot expect it.

The point is that it is up to you to decide whether the good in this relationship outweighs the bad. Make sense?

~ROE

RolandOfEld, that is the million $ question.

I have told her to talk to me again when she can treat me properly. That I won't stand for how she treats me and that I don't deserve it. She is more than likely going to see this as abandonment and shut me out even more, but I can't put up with this. By me entertaining this, I am reinforcing her ways. 

You should not reward bad behaviour, you should not apologise when you do not mean it.  Yes that reinforces the negative ways however, and it took me time to learn this, they process things differently to you or I.

If you try and justify yourself, explain why you are right and why they are wrong it will not end well.  You will engage in a circular conversation where ultimately everything IS your fault.

You cannot take anything personally, you cannot win an argument.  I find its best to distract away from negativity because it can and will escalate.

Sorry you're feeling so confused. I've learned that asking why and trying to understand why they respond the way they do is sometimes futile. In this scenario though it sounds like she was trying to regulate herself. She said she was in a bad mood and didn't want to go to the gym. Perhaps she just needed a little down time. Maybe she knew that if you went to the gym together her mood would lead to a fight. Maybe she just didn't want to go to the gym. Just like we shouldn't JADE when we have done nothing wrong, we shouldn't expect our pwBPD to JADE either. Do you think it is wrong for her to want an evening to herself?

You mentioned that you called her 20 times, knowing that was obsessive. What compelled you to do so? Could one or 2 calls have sufficed?

It's important to remember that with BPD the more you chase, the more they run. So when you call over and over, they begin to feel smothered. It's called  Push/Pull Behavior  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.0;all)

A better way to have handled the situation would have been to just say "Bummer. I'll miss your company at the gym. Hope your day gets better. Text me if you need anything or want to talk." Then go on about your day. Maybe check in later in the evening after dinner or before bed.

As far as what is going on right now, owning up to what we do wrong can go along way. "Sorry I called so many times last night. I can tell that bothered you and I'll try to be more understanding of you needing space." This allows her to see that you acknowledge the obsessive behavior, but also lets her know that she has a choice in the relationship and how much contact she chooses to have.

I like the reasoning behind this.  Brilliant advice.  I could do with doing this more myself

That's very unclear and it makes sense that you wanted to understand what she meant.


It sounds like you were trying to persuade her and this may have felt to her like you were badgering her and being pushy.


She told you she was OK, but then you persisted. I can see how this could make anyone angry--it's like you were stalking her on the phone and not accepting that she had already said that she was "never down".


Dude, if you want this relationship to continue, you need to give her space. That pushiness feels like bullying to women. Not good.

At the same time, what you describe, eves09, could be taken in the context of a typical reconciliation. One partner is anxious, the other picks up on it and experiences old feelings of entrapment, which heightens the other's anxiety and triggers protest behaviours, which makes the other one feel responsible for soothing or validating the anxious one, which ends up in an adversarial stand - off. Especially if anxiety was a factor in the break - up, then any early sign of a push pull dynamic could accelerate early emotional outcomes. Hence the switch. Your partner could be complaining to someone right now you have switched again and she won't talk to you again until you can treat her properly.

"I am aware of "splitting", but this is excessive." ?... ."So I tried to call her, like 20 times (excessive I know, but... .)" ... .If instead "excessive I know [full stop]', then you could just play along, however much she raged, and give her whatever space she needs. If she is playing you, or she returns with a commitment to being 'more open', then you are in a stronger position to express your needs, impose boundaries for unreasonable behaviour, or pull back, yourself.

I got a powerful experience of the avoidant person's suffering recently during an extended stay with my mother while going no contact with my SO. My mother's attentions were so intense and reproachful (how could she possibly be in the wrong when I was the silent one and she was treating me better than a baby?) that I felt on eggshells the whole time, unable to think, move, breathe, get away or do anything. I found myself suppressing a silent rage for three weeks, when all I wanted was space in my own head to deal with something that wasn't about her. And normally they say the anxious partner is the one walking on eggshells, don't they? Maybe it's both?