BPDFamily.com

Hi

as per my title i have a simple question which may have complex and varied answers. my question is:

"is the way someone with BPD deals with things in a relationship reflective of how they were treated as a child?"

i ask this mainly in reference to

- other peoples emotions (responding to making someone else angry/disappointed/upset with anger)
- use of silent treatment

but generally reaction to the negative emotions of others.


its been a bad few weeks with my Girlfriend, and some of the emotions that i have been feeling as consequence feel very like what i imagine she could have felt in childhood and i am trying to understand, on a deeper level, they way she sees emotions and relationships and how her childhood emotional neglect informs what she expects from people in the present... .as a consequence i hope to  be able to reassure her and make her feel more safe and secure.


Thank you as always for your help and insight.

We all are reflections of our parents and upbringing. PwBPD often lack self reflection and governance so this is true for them even more so.

Invalidation breeds invalidation and that is a stable cycle that pwBPD grow often up with (there are pwBPD who had stable parents but we are not looking at those here). That cycle feels familiar and is well practiced and is of course unhealthy. Breaking through and switching to another stable mode were validation breeds validation is the challenge.

Switching mode requires consistency for a while. A healthy relationship has 5 validating interactions for one invalidating one. For things to change quite some persistence is required from our side. But not all can be done by us - the other side has to learn as well. Some are able to learn by picking things up and emulating us, some may need a therapist, some may be patient enough to work through communication exercises like the ones in „The high conflict couple“ (see book section).

For boundaries similar considerations of family dynamics apply but I find boundary struggles more volatile and complex so I leave them as exercises for you  

Hi Beren2016,

Was your partner neglected as a child in some way? What do you know about her childhood?

Why do you think she's been having a hard time in these last weeks?

How are you doing?

warmly, pearl.

thank you both for commenting...

as far as her childhood goes, form what see has told me... .definitely forms of emotional neglect. her parents separated and her father made very little effort to see her, called visits off to go fishing, made her feel like a burden and a problem for needing things/asking ( she struggles to ask for things now and is fearful of anger)

during arguments with her mother, i know that her mother used to pack her bags and leave the house or threaten to, leaving her alone... .she doesn't/cant go into things in great detail... i also belive that emotional validation was minimal (she feels like her emotions are a problem).

obviously things go deeper both then and now and i imagine that things were worse than what i have heard... .

she also got out of an abusive relationship prior to meeting me, which still causes her trauma and has understandably created certain fears... .i belive that no matter how i have been with her ( i have not, nor would ever, hurt her) she sees the possibility of me turning on her at any moment.

it has all created core beliefs of; severe self image problems, worthlessness, being a burden, fear of abandonment, in ability to trust anybody, fear of how people will react to her "doing wrong".

and we have no idea what has been hard recently, she does also have BI polar disorder so we
suspect she has been having an episode, and her anxiety has been increased and she has struggled to leave the house, also struggles with getting older and feeling like a failure, also minor physical health problems, i think a lot of thing have come together at once

i see the patterns and effects of her past, she is doing very well but obviously these core beliefs of worthlessness,and abandonment don't just go away... i don't expect to be able to fix it all but i would love to at least try to help her with this on a deeper level than just fighting the fires as they happen.


(we have been together 6 years and she has had therapy but this stopped a year ago due to a feeling of going as far as possible at the time)


thank you all again

We learn what we see, and if that's what we saw, it takes a lot of work to disengage from the "way things are".


You are coming at this from a  great place of empathy, and I think that overall will make a difference in the very long run.  Please be cognizant of the fact this is a long commitment to working on things.  Some newer people hope for a quick fix, a therapy, and for some issues, like chronic chemically based anxiety, you CAN treat it with drugs, supplements, and various chemical interventions.  Destructive modes of thinking, behavioral issues and poor coping skills, these take longer to sort out.

If she is bipolar, is there any chance she is getting treated for it?  BPD is a handful as it is, if you can treat the bipolar, and take each thing in stride, she will slowly, hopefully, get to a healthier palce. 

Your approach is very understanding and empathetic.  Perhaps her deep rooted fear and anxiety are being masked as anger, bi polar or manic episodes very often surface as anger.  Is she seeking active treatment for her bi polar?  Your approach will prove very valid as you continue to navigate the complexities and challenges.  How are you doing?