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Sorry but they don't change.  I've been in ST/NC with my friend longer than we have been in contact.  Each time we fall out and go NC, he has reached out after a period of time.  It doesn't matter how many times we tell each other to be more tolerant and not annoy one another, inevitably it happens and the ST/NC is imposed again and it gets longer and longer each time.  I haven't spoken with my friend since early February, so 7 months.  Last year it was 9 months NC until he reached out in December.  We barely made it to two months before arguing again.  So out of 18 months we spoke for 2.  They do not change; they are incapable of doing so.

Hi there insideoutside,

How are you doing and feeling right now? From these series of loops of NC... .

Is there anything you've decided to do to make things better for yourself?
Where do you feel right now in your own journey of rediscovery and healing?
Just looking back in this short period, do you think you're in a better place today?

Yours,
Spero

Hi spero

Didn’t realise my post had been split into a separate subject.

Yeah I’m good.  I’m so used to the NC/ST now that I’m no longer phased by it.  I do think if he reaches out again I’m not sure how I would react.  On one hand I’ve already got an email in my drafts waiting to tell him exactly how I feel and what a horrible person he is; however on the other hand I know him having BPD/NPD isn’t his fault so I have empathy and compassion, which he knows and which is why I get sucked back in.   But what I do know is that if he reached back out and we resumed contact it wouldn’t last.  We are both incapable of making it work.

Hi there insideoutside,

It is good to know that you're doing alright. I'm sorry that he must have done rather awful things to have made you drafted those letters.
When did you draft these letters? It's good to be expressing your feelings down, more like writing a diary. However, as you would already know, the rhetorical question would be, would be benefit either of you to have sent out, or would it improve your situation.

I see that you are able to empathise with im and have compassion on how he is suffering, but well, we do need to see compassion for others and personal safety (boundaries) as separate. That being said, compassion and boundaries can exist together at the same time. I suppose it is difficult to make it work, he probably needs to be in active treatment for things to even have progress or it might get into that whole repetitive cycle again.

I've had to make the painful decision not to contact my uBPDexGF, though i really do care for her. But for me to re engage and leave her suddenly, would be too much for her to take. It would just be repeating the abandonment for her again. So while i do, i can't and that is probably what's best for her until she has tools to help herself. Its a difficult predicament. But well... .

Well, hope you are keeping steady.

Yours,
Spero

When he reached out in December, did you identify any reason for him doing so?

i was never long apart from my ex, at most 4 weeks, but I remember she didnt bother me when I said to leave me alone, and it was quiet until I got a call and voicemails of the please help me variety. Ive also experience in the past of PD contacting when they cant cope anymore and need something of us. at that moment become changed in their minds to "useful" which is higher up the ranks than their self pride of sustaining a ST campaign against the "bad" person.

Hi Cromwell

I'm not sure what it was; it was early December and the first email said 'Hi IO, how are you?  If you're in XXX over Christmas it would be good to meet up.  My number is XXX.  I forgive you'.  I ignored that email as my husband had literally had a stroke the day before.  His next email was 'Text or call me over the next couple of days if you can'.  Again ignored because I had other things on my mind.  The third email I did respond to was 'XXX please contact me, its important'.  Weirdly never did find out what was so important.  But I'm guessing he was depressed, or as Christmas was around the corner he knew I might be visiting my hometown and could meet up with him or... .I just don't know.  I did flatter him a lot; did tell him he was special to me on numerous occasions and that I valued his friendship because I felt so much compassion and sadness for him and didn't think he got told that he was good enough by other people.  With that gone I'm not sure if he had anybody else to 'big him up' the way I did.  He is very good at keeping to ST/NC.   I'm not sure whether he will ever reach out again because our friendship ended badly (basically I feel he used me).  We ALWAYS end bad.  Our friendship  ended really bad last year with him threatening to contact the police and my husband if I ever contacted him again and then he reached out 9 months later.  However, I'm not so sure he will again this time though.  I miss him but I am done with the drama.