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This week I heard from my ex for the first time in several months.

She didn’t contact me directly - she asked a trusted mutual friend to tell me that she (the ex) didn’t ever want me to contact her again *under any circumstances*. No reason given, but the message was emphatic and I will respect it. Most likely it was a delayed response to my last attempt to reopen contact about six months ago, which was when I gave up trying.

I think if this had happened when she first went silent on me it would have been very hard to take. It was a breakup that seemed to come out of left field, I wanted to talk and I wanted answers.

Unexpectedly now I find I can accept this as a kind of closure. Obviously it’s not what I wanted - who would want a message like that from someone you still love? But at least now we’ve got a piece of communication, limited as it is, which acknowledges the end of the relationship. It helps, though I doubt that was her intention. And I know there won’t be anything more.

There’s a lot of talk on these boards about aiming for indifference as the end goal of detachment, but that’s not what I’m aiming for. I don’t think I could ever be indifferent to her because she’s too special and I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring about her. What I’m aiming for is to respect the memories I have of her in a way that’s balanced and realistic. I think I’m learning to do that. She’s a part of my life story that I’ll always value. But now that chapter is closed.

I don’t expect the journey will get magically easier from here on, but I do see this as a significant marker. Thanks to all who’ve encouraged me this far.

Hi Sirnut,

I’m sure this was a difficult message to accept.  But, it sounds as if you are far enough down the healing path to accept it. 

I guess one positive thing is that you have a definitive answer, and as you say closure.  So many pwBPD recycle time and time again with the same hurtful ending.

You have your memories and that is a nice way to think
of it - one chapter.

As you have pointed out , the journey may not get magically easier.  What will you do to continue your healing? 

The future is yours, my friend.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

Hi thanks Mbabw

It’s been a journey. I was in what I can best describe as a black hole for the first few weeks, something many here will have experienced. What has helped on the journey back are: counselling, good support from friends and family, and building up some patterns of purposeful activity.

Thanks for reading and responding.

Hey Sirnut, Sorry to learn about that message you received, which must have been rough to hear.  ON the other hand, I agree w/Mustbe: a clean break is hard, yet it provides certainty and clarity that is often hard to get from a pwBPD.  I don't know your backstory, but if your Ex has BPD, then I think you might consider practicing gratitude for getting out of an unhealthy dynamic.  It's onwards and upwards from here, my friend.

LuckyJim