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Things got worse than I knew they could this evening.  At 8:30pm, when my wife was due to drop my daughter off at my house, I was met in my driveway by a process server.  She gave me a restraining order, which was not a complete surprise, my lawyer warned me that my wife's new negative advocate lawyer might use this tactic.  What totally blindsided me was that my youngest daughter is included as a protected party on the restraining order, which trumps my restraining order against her because it is newer.  So, with an ex parte restraining order based on a request full of fiction she has totally turned the tide against me.  I cannot contact youngest daughter in any way, not even to say "good night" by text.  The court date is weeks off, so I may not talk to my daughter for all that time.  I continue to be surprised by how not-special my situation is.  It's textbook.

I've been getting healthier lately, and one of the things I'm determined to do is to maintain my ability to focus on my own life priorities.  I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring.  I need to talk to my lawyer in the morning and make a battle plan.  Any homework she gives me will be at the top of the list.  I will try to sleep and exercise like a warrior. I may need to tidy the house and pack; not sure if I'm vulnerable to sudden eviction if she escalates, that would be a lot of work, I'll find out from my lawyer tomorrow.

Ouch.  Thorndike I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I know we all wanted better for you. 

You got this.  Surely no one has ever been better prepared or put more thought and care into how he manoeuvres through this entire process. Stick with your plan, look after yourself, train hard and know we're all right behind you.

Heaps of love and light my friend 

PS Thorndike has always handled himself with dignity and compassion.  Of that you can be proud 

  kids can really lose their compass in a divorce. I know the feelings of betrayal are difficult to take, especially considering all you have one and continue to do for her. Play the long game, you can lose a battle and still win the war.


It is textbook for high conflict divorce.  Thank OJ Simpson. He had a huge influence of making these ex parte' easier to get than lottery tickets

This is a very common play in most states in custody battles, but especially California. The lawyer probably encouraged her on this - imagine how this appealed to her sense of shame for being under a restraining order.

It may also be a negotiating ploy.

Don't be provoked - stay cool. She wants you to trip up - in the divorce or with the kids.

While she mucked up the next three weeks with your daughter, she advances the PAS, and they hope like hell to provoke you - you have a lot of cards to play and judge knows this game.

Talk to your therapist about your concerns over PAS and how to counter them (or at least not make matters worse).

We're with you.

   As textbook as this may be, I am still always shocked and upset when I hear it happen. 

I am sorry she chose the route that will cause the most damage. 

Praying for you.

Hey Thorndike,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Robert said to stay cool I just wanted to add play the long game you can stay stable use your strengths to your advantage.

Work with your lawyer. You can fight this -- or use it to win the larger war. We're with you.

BB, WW, Thorndike, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Doc, Tito! ;)

You have a lot of aliases! You’re making my head spin! ;)

Ay, ay, ay! Dios mio! Mein Gott!

It’s horrible going through legal drama, I’ve been dragged along in the sidecar on a few such trips in my lifetime and I (unfortunately) know how much this SUCKS! If you get the chance, fill in the gaps here, it’s been awhile, but glad you found the time to post if it helps you get this out a bit - with peers rather than just the therapists.

Pace yourself. And resist the urge to panic. Breathe. Do your visualizations. Be very mindful of managing your stress. Por favor! Set it all down when you can, from time to time.

Take care of you! Bitte. You matter!

Man, sounds like she has a shark of a lawyer, yikes, but once the judge sees your evidence, and I know it is ample, s/he won’t like finding out they’ve been lied to. They don’t always see it, but sometimes they do. Das ist so unfair, aber your DV story holds water, hers is Swiss cheese.

How long has it been since you were at church, amigo? Since when your mom died? Maybe you could use a little fellowship, hand shaking, hugs? If so, you know where to go this weekend fella!

But until then…holding hands with us here…gently closing your eyes to pray, no peeking! ;), and feel the love of the universe around you… May your burden be lightened, and your path to a better place be swift! Amen!

Whatever country I’m  traveling in this weekend, I’ll light a candle and be praying for you!

Alles wird gut!

~siempre, t.

p.s. When it gets dark there is always the Church of Classic Country music to lift your spirits! ;) Clap and sing along!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyiGHFGCf2U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE1W07I8-w4

What the  :cursing: is wrong with her? 
I hope your youngest daughter is ok too. 

The fact that these orders seem to be so easily issued is scary.  Like when my stbBPDexwife got a TRO against her husband's twin brother (unsuccessfully served since he got wind of it andwent into hiding). Apparently it takes little more than someone going into court and opening their mouth?

Sometimes I think that we deserve The Planet of the Apes. 

It's really rather stunning.  As soon as I can piece a bit of my brain back together, one of my homework items is reading her request for a restraining order and destroying it with facts.  One of the "incidents" she uses was actually when she came to the house with youngest daughter unannounced, in violation of the restraining order and startled me.  Twice in one hour (came back a second time).  Me stepping two steps from my front door to the edge of my front step and holding my cell phone up to video her car for less than 10 seconds was distorted into me storming out of the house and looking so scary she had to lock the car and my daughter was terrified of me.

The one that really hurts is she's using the time in the therapist's office when I had the PTSD meltdown against me.  In the session where we were discussing parenting and then negotiating a settlement, she threatened to have my daughters testify against me at the restraining order trial.  This was all three of my worse fears in one -- not being believed, being accused of a crime I did not commit, and having my daughters taken away from me.  I screamed at her, but while hiding behind a couch.  As the therapist escorted her out of the office she claims in the restraining order request that she was frightened I'd come after her, but I was lying in a ball on the floor behind the couch.  It hurts a lot to have that vulnerable moment used against me.

My documentation is outlier-good, but this case is not in the bag by a long shot.  She is very dangerous.  Yes, as you guessed, filing a counter restraining order is a favorite tactic of this lawyer.  My lawyer's associate lawyer and paralegal on my case both used to work in this guy's office and he is a snake.

Thank you all for your support.

Nothing is set in stone.    Try with all your might to stay in the present with yourself.  If you can meditate, meditate.  If not, just focus entirely on whatever you're doing at any given moment.  Your mind must be racing as mine was during the custody case and I can testify that it doesn't achieve anything but high blood pressure    Sending good vibes your way.  May truth prevail. 

Sounds like you're headed for supervised custody exchanges. You and you're wife will be probably be separated for the duration of the divorce with all communication going through the lawyers. 

hoo, boy.

i hope that things get easier; the sooner, the better.

keep us posted, as youre able, im interested to hear how it went with your lawyer.

So sorry to hear this, Thorndike.    How incredibly stressful. You’ve gotten great advice. Know we are here and pulling for you.  

Oh Thorndike, I'm so sorry. 

Sometimes it is possible to feel so alone even when we are surrounded by friends (your bpdfamily friends) and those who care for us, listen to us and believe in us because we have lost the hope of believing in ourselves.

The attacks that go the deepest are those that try to tear down the part of us that we have worked so hard to define and strengthen as we walk this journey to wholeness. When you are too tired to think, remember that we are holding you up here in so many ways, like the story in the Bible of Aaron and Joshua holding up the arms of Moses so that the war could be won. He needed their help because he was too tired and could not do it alone.

Thorndike I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is hard to take, no one expect our children to be used as trumps, the deepest cut.  It's good to hear your lawyers team have a handle on the snake.

We are here with you as you turn it around.

Hi ho!  :hi:

How ya holding up, man?

Promise us you won't isolate yourself, okay?

If you feel depressed... .don't let that go untreated! You need your strength!

warmly, pearl.