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This morning, my wife suggested our home problems are almost beyond repair. According to her, I am in denial about my deep-seated problems and have not come to terms with them.

One of the few things I've asked of her is to change her tone with me, mostly because it's my "kryptonite." She verbally treats me differently than anyone else when she's in a bad mood. And her mood swings are jarring.

Her reaction to my request is to say I'm thin-skinned. She has resorted to mostly email write-ups, and in the latest one, simply copy-and-pasted a non-professional description of "tone policing." Basically, my request to have her treat me better is only a derailing tactic, and I am only trying to shift the focus away from problems that I refuse to address.

I had seen the articles from both the backers and critics of "tone policing" and understand them. Personally, I think the concept negates my feelings, but if she needs me to be able to blow off her nasty tones, I'm willing to try harder. 

There are three important parts to this.

1. Currently, she is expecting me to admit to my problems. The rub is that I cannot say my problems have anything to do with her. Well, they're all because of her mood swings and depression, so I have been avoiding it. And because I haven't written down/verbalized my problems, she has suggested our home life will not get better. I have not yelled during our arguments for two months. But as of this morning, she said it doesn't matter how many days I can be calm because I don't understand my issues.

2. Another thing that has happened for two months: my new job. It's physically and emotionally demanding, and I'm so tired, I can't seem to process anything I've previously learned here. I'm typing this feeling I'm starting over on this forum. My brain feels too full to process anything else.

3. I think about killing myself every day. I actually called my parents and asked them whether they would like me to fly out to say goodbye. I framed it as "If our marriage fails, I'm leaving the country, and if I leave the country, I would like to say goodbye in a way that makes you comfortable in case I fall off the face of the earth." They both said a phone call would be fine. My mom figured out what I was hinting at though.

What I don't understand is why I just don't end it right now if everything is this bad. What's keeping me from doing it? Other than I don't want to upset anyone, and maybe something to do with the human-genetic "will to live."

Thanks for reading.

NGU I'm worried about you.  It's awful to find yourself feeling so low.  I've been there myself.  You won't always feel this way. 
I'm so glad you have posted about these suicidal urges.  That's a really brave first step.  Have you spoken to anyone else about this?

I have a couple of questions to ask you.  How long have you been feeling this way?  How safe do you feel right now?  Have you thought about how you would do it?

Thank you so much for telling us about your deepest feelings.  We care and want to see you safe and well.  Please keep posting and know we're listening. 

Love and light x

The only person left is my mom. When she figured it out, she asked me whether I was thinking of ending it. I was comfortable admitting it, and pointed out the lunacy of going through with it considering so many other people don't. Including them, who have it way harder than I do, and they're also 76 and 80 years old.


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Yeah. I'm at that stage.

When I wasn't feeling like this, but just being careful about life details, I made lists of all my passwords and contractors. I also named her as a beneficiary of my 401k; the other day, I caught myself thinking "Maybe the money will make her happy, because I never will."

I used to drink to handle her. I stopped drinking four years ago.

I tried psychologists, psychiatrists and medication. Bad, bad idea.

[Edit: I also tried CBT. That was OK. I've also been here on and off. I have two BPD books and "Feeling Well," but my brain is too full to read anymore.]

We moved into our new house about 16 months ago. For the first year, I worked an average of 77 hours a week on domestic chores and home improvements, while she did nothing but grieve for her dad, who had just died. I thought that would prove to her that I'd do anything she wanted, and she could just ask me nicely. Nope. [Edit: I understand that's not how BPD works, but I tried.]

My pushback on her tone leads to fights. Her current psychologist thinks I'm a loose cannon, and that confirmed to my wife that this is all my fault. Her criticisms of me have been way more direct and bold. In the seven years we've been together, there has been only two times she has admitted to having a mental illness.

This was an "oops post," but I'll use it to clarify that my wife has mentioned depression off and on. The two times were acknowledging BPD.

NGU, it sounds like you're feeling quite hopeless right now.  I know you are comparing yourself to others, and viewing their situations as worse.  This doesn't negate your own pain.  We all struggle and your own struggle is just as valid as others'.  We care and are here to listen.  What do you feel caused you to reach this stage?  

Are you feeling suicidal right now?  Do you have a plan to end your life and what you would need to go ahead with your plan?

Please keep talking to us.  You're not alone.    

Love and light x