BPDFamily.com

Posting on cell phone. Freaking out a little. Ok, a lot.
Met uBPDh to get my van. Miscommunication, the guy I bought it from gave the title to h when he dropped off van. H says he signed it and avoids subject if giving it to me. Has it hidden. Then claims he isn't trying to hold that over my head or use to control me. It was not his right to sign or refuse to give me the title.

The guy who sold van has a house for rent. Great deal, but still over my budget. H was pushing me to get the house. Said it's God's will. Said he gave the guy a deposit, changed story on the amount.

He threatened me. Physically intimidating body language and tone of voice. Said he knows where I live, gave address. Said I have one month to move out. Trying to pressure me to move in the house with h.

Tried to force me to kiss him. Groped me. Wrapped his arms around me. I told him that made me uncomfortable. Told him I have to heal from the damage he caused me before I can think about intimate physical contact. Told him he wounded my soul. He scoffed. You can't kiss me or hug me because you're hurt and traumatized? He said. And then tried to force me to kiss him again. Put an unwanted Hickey on my neck and I finally pushed away.

Basically said I am selfish for not moving back in with him because I have a need or want. He's referring to my need to feel safe. A basic human right.

More later. I am really distressed. Feel panicky. I don't know what to do.

Redeemed

I Am Redeemed

I am panicked to... just by reading this.

Your husband just threatened you.  If you don't have a restraining order on him that keeps him away from you and that particular address... please get one.

My guess is this is the kind of behavior that got him in jail in the first place.  I hope he doesn't go back to jail because of something he did to you.

Please take a long break from him... .this sounds very dangerous.

FF

Hi I am Redeemed,

I am concerned too!

Best to back off from this situation and not be in his physical presence. Is he holding the title to your new vehicle?

take good care, pearl.

Are you in a safe place now?  Do you have someplace safe you can get to?  We are concerned and i am glad you reached out to us. 

Redeemed,

I hope you are in a safe place now.  Best as a precaution to have a safety plan.  I agree with Pearl, best to back off and let things cool off while you think the situation over.

Please be careful,

Mustbe

Short answer, yes I am safe. I have a prot ective order. He is not allowed at my home or work. Contact is at my discretion.

Pearl, yes he is holding the title and I am nervous. Even if he did sign it, I don't expect him to have the money to transfer it. But this has happened before, last year when he was using drugs and severely abused me. He lost that title.

Don't know if I could file for legal separation or divorce and see if the court would make him hand it over.

I am scared. This is exactly the behavior he displayed all through our relationship, and the next step is always physical assault.

He went into full on delusional conspiracy theory stuff again last night. Said we are in the middle of a federal investigation. This is a recurring delusion of his. Said he knows drug dealers live in my neighborhood and doesn't want them around his son.

I live in a nice middle class neighborhood near an elementary school. SUVs, dogs kids, mowing grass, cookouts.

Threatened to do background check on my roommate.

Got close to me and whispered in my ear you'll never be able to leave me.

This goes beyond red flag stuff. This is like code orange or something.

I don't want him working on my van. I want the title, I want to cut off contact and move.

My head is spinning. Anxiety.

Poor s2, I was giving his dad a chance to see him and to prove in a small way that he is changing, and is working on gaining trust. Instead it solidified my worst suspicion. He hasn't changed and is in a very disordered and delusional state of mind.

More later

Redeemed

Redeemed

You say in another thread

"I thought he might have some type of psychotic disorder. It was not until I started reading posts on these boards that I realized that paranoia and delusional thinking can be a huge part of BPD and not necessarily a separate condition."

Any more thoughts on this?

OK... .when does your protective order expire or run out?

How did you go about getting it, did you have a lawyer or other group help you do it?

OK... .you are in a safe place.   Think about what you need to do for rest of the evening and for tomorrow.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Have you actually talked to police about your order or have you had to involve them ever?

Is your husband out on parole, probation or bail?  What is his legal status now?  (That will likely influence who I suggest you contact.)

FF

Don't mean to blow it up at a time like this. In this situation what to do next is more important than understanding the cause.

Hi Redeemed,

I am so glad you are in a safe place.  Sounds like you have taken some great steps to protect yourself already and you are in a good location.

I think we mentioned having a safety plan.  Here is a link that may be helpful in creating a safety plan.  Scroll about halfway down and there are questions about relationships.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

   

Mustbeabetterway

So what is next? How did you two leave things... .what did he say at the end? What did you say?

Also, what are the terms of the RO? Has he honored it?  In this case you contacted him, but when you are not contacting him, does he stay in line?

Mustbeabetterway suggests a safety plan... .it would be a good thing to get a picture or the landscape and then talk this through.

You can contact the owner and redo the title paperwork for the van.

---Crossed---

Redeemed,

As you know there are some similarities in our stories and for that reason I've monitored your progress without adding lots of comments as I don't wish to draw too much from my own experience.  We all must reach certain realisations for ourselves if they are to have any depth of meaning for us.  However after reading about what h has said and done I'm concerned right now and want to urge you to focus on the number one priority, which is safeguarding yourself and S2.

I may be wrong but it sounds like you're at the address that h has discovered?  From what I understand he made a point of letting you know he's aware of that.  Please don't count on him making rational decisions at present, like having concern for protective orders.  He's achieved getting you to effectively go against the purpose of the order, which in my country would make it not worth the paper it's written on.  I don't wish to scare you but its important to plan for any eventuality.  Is there somewhere else you can go for a while? If not, are you prepared to do what you must to protect yourself if he turns up?  Namely call the police?

I'd strongly suggest that now would be a good time to contact a local DV service for help and support in taking safety measures.  Do you have an advocate already?  They are well versed in aiding victims of abuse to create personal safety plans to match their specific circumstances.  They may also be able to help with a temporary location for yourself and S2 if you should need one and can potentially help with legal advice.  I cannot recommend these experts highly enough.  They hear stories like ours every day and know how to help individuals whatever their current headspace.  Please get the help and guidance you need.

I've more to say and it can wait until things are more stable.  Right now all that matters is that you be safe.  That also means that vans, h's wishes and anything else all need to be considered as secondary or lesser issues.  Your wellbeing is the most important thing.  Stay in touch and keep us posted how you're doing.

   

Love and light x

Redeemed,
I hope you're OK. This is so frightening. You've gotten stronger and now he's really showing who he is. He obviously hasn't changed in the positive direction that he claims.

Harley Quinn gives some good advice. Please don't wait--contact a DV place soon.

   

Cat

Also, when you are safe and have some time, please take the MOSAIC test in order to determine what level of risk you might be experiencing.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

Here's another link about safety.  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Thanks everyone,

I'm at work currently. For those who don't know, I have been living with my roommate since Nov when uBPDh assaulted me. Eight months in jail, no probation or parole or anything. Never had to involve police since his release. Judge granted me protection order in January 2018, for one year.

He was OK until this last week. Annoying and needy, but not threatening. Something happened, a mental break I think due to my refusal last weekend to take a cab to let s2 see him. I didn't want to be stuck without a ride.

Chitchat, I posted on psychology questions board a couple days ago because I really thought his behavior was more than BPDish. He told me that he was talking to my dead parents.

Then yesterday the conspiracy theory delusions surfaced again. He has made vague reference to things like this from time to time, but this was deeper. His demeanor changed. Dark mood, threatening behavior. Mostly because. I think, that I repeatedly told him I will not move back in with him because I don't feel safe. He is getting no mental health treatment.

I am concerned about him having the title to my van and really mad at myself for giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Don't know what to do about that, or how to approach it. If I back off contact or try not to be alone with him while he visits s2, I expect extinction burst which could be dangerous with him. Or extremely vindictive. He already parallels him keeping the van title to my "keeping his son from him". I think it was a calculated controlling get-back move.

Redeemed

You said he doesn't have the money to file it - I would do a lost title sale with the owner and bypass hubby. You can likely bypass the drama.


Here is the difference between psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia or delusional disorder, and BPD.

Episodes of paranoid thinking, or ideation, can range from mild and short-lived to very severe and chronic. Some individuals with psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia or delusional disorder, tend to have severe, chronic paranoid ideation that has no relationship to reality. In contrast, while many people with borderline personality disorder do experience paranoia since it is part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD, it tends to occur only under conditions of stress or interpersonal conflict.

Redeemed,

I'm sorry to hear about your frightening experience, and can relate to the fear one feels when an abuser's pattern of behavior exactly matches what we've seen before violence in the past.

Your experience was scary, but also lucky, and important for your long-term safety and healing. It is totally natural to hope that your husband will have gotten better, and also natural to hope that he can be present in his son's life.  Unfortunately, you've seen that he hasn't changed, but fortunately you learned that without a more serious incident.

Skip has a great idea about the title, and HQ has important advice about reaching out to the DV folks for support in handling the latest situation.  You can see how important it is to not deal with your husband on the van issue.  Disentangling ourselves from an abuser is not a simple task.  Any contact with them is an opportunity for them to get a foot in the door and manipulate us further.  The local DV folks should be able to advise you on how to minimize contact and stay safe.

Remember to journal the event with your husband with as much detail as you remember, including quotes of everything he said.  You are going to want the evidence in order to renew the order for another year.  You are still going to need it next January.

Can you remind us what the custody situation is with S2?  Do you have a visitation order that requires you to let your husband see your son?  Is CPS aware that your husband is visiting your son, and are they OK with that?

RC

Cat,

I just took the MOSAIC.

My rating was 9 out of 1 to 10.

I don't remember who asked the question how did we leave things, but I managed to de-escalate most of the crazy talk the other night. I did tell him his behavior was scary. He did not see (or pretended not to see) what I meant, and I declined to go into detail because it would not do any good to have that conversation. He was not receptive to it. We did not leave things on an angry note. I tried to remain calm in the conversation, and I am especially proud that I remained calm when he was speaking such frightening things to me last night. My heart was pounding and I was instantly taken back to last year (and the other times) when I lived that kind of nightmare daily, never knowing when he might hurt me.

I think it is important that he does not recognize other forms of abuse besides physical. He seems to think that as long as he doesn't physically harm me, he isn't being abusive. I think he has a desperate need to avoid being abandoned and he has been "white knuckling" it, so to speak, on his self control.

The delusions first showed up five years ago, after a four month long period in which he used massive amounts of methamphetamine. He had a period before that where he was using synthetic marijuana and some type of synthetic speed (maybe bath salts, not sure really) which caused some psychotic-like symptoms. He had a suspicious and paranoid personality when he was not using. I first met him when he was eight months sober. He did not express delusions like the type I mentioned until that prolonged period of meth use. They were really bad then. Started while he was using, and it took almost a year before the severity of most of them wore off. Thought people were plotting to kill him, following him, listening to him, thought the tv guide channel was sending him messages through the programming of the movies on the channels. That kind of stuff. Most of that disappeared or reduced in frequency or intensity. However, the relapse he had last fall when he went back to using again triggered some intense psychosis, and though most of that wore off too, he is still left with the notion about the feds investigating him, among other things. He never did stop believing people were listening to his conversations. These types of delusions would surface when he was feeling the pressure of stress, and he would get angry.

I don't know if the substance abuse triggered a dormant mental illness, or if they caused one. I think he already had the BPD traits, from what his family has told me.

I have been to the domestic violence shelter in our town twice before. Both times they took me to a local homeless shelter. This was not a supportive or positive experience. The staff was verbally abusive and controlling. They had my roommate spy on me, they followed me when I left, they showed up at my job, they took cell phones away from everyone if one person committed an infraction, they accused me of failing a drug test, and (probably the worst) they told me if I knew Jesus, I wouldn't have been in my situation. But I did know Him, and I still do, and I know that what they said was a lie.

I still plan to call the hotline, for more info. It is late and I need to sleep, but I am having trouble.

Regarding the protective order, uBPDh is not allowed to come to my home, the current address I live at that he now knows. He is not allowed to come to my job. There was not a restriction on contact, only that he cannot do those two things plus he is prevented from committing further acts of violence.

No, I do not trust him to adhere to that. However, he did tell me that he knows I will call the police and he will go to jail if he comes to either of those places acting crazy. Hopefully he knows I will call the police if he even tries to harm me again, but my plan is to not put myself in a position alone with him. After what I saw in him last night- no. NO no no.

His mood has flipped around again. After work he called me and said he apologized about the title and that he will give it to me. He says now that it was a lie that he signed it, and it was wrong for him to say that and to not give it to me. Says he did have some "intent" with it but he knows that was not right for him to do. He did not tell me what his intent was, and I did not ask. I really was trying to keep the conversation brief.

No, I do not expect him to give me that title. Tomorrow is another day and another mood.

He said he has accepted that I'm not coming back. I don't believe that either. And I never said that, although I sure was thinking it. I have stated in no uncertain terms, however, that I will not move back in with him and that I do not feel safe with him. He still wants me to lay out exactly what it is that he should do to "get better" so I will feel safe. I don't have an answer for that. He went through a batterer intervention program years ago. He has done counseling and he wasn't honest with them, and they couldn't do much with him because he was resistant to medication and treatment. I have seen all angles tried, and I don't have new answers.

He insists on telling me repeatedly that he misses me. And I just say "I know." I don't miss him. I don't miss the fear and anxiety and stress of everyday life with him.

S2 and i are safe. I will do what i have to do to see that we remain safe. I fought hard for our safety and I will not let it be jeopardized now. It is too important to me.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. I apologize if someone asked a question i did not answer. I will reread the thread tomorrow but I have had a very long and stressful day.

MOSAIC of 9. out of 1 to 10. Wow.

I am so glad I found this community. You guys are awesome, thanks for being here.     

Redeemed

One more thing I forgot, uBPDh has not violated the restrictions of the protective order thus far. Someone asked that, FF I think.

That doesn't mean he won't, or that he hasn't tried to get my consent to let him come to either place where he isn't allowed, because he has requested to come to my work several times.

I will update everyone on the dv hotline call.

thanks,

Redeemed

Practicalities:

Do you have someone or several people, that can go with you to pick up the title.  Perhaps go by his work and get it.

I would only consider this option if he seems to be in good place (you seem to have handle on interpreting his moods).  I also wouldn't get into any other details about staying, going, deposits... .you are just busy with work and school and need to swing by to grab the title.

If there is any doubt to his stability or he seems to be trying to get you alone... .do the lost title process.

Going forward... .is there any doubt about letting him have access to this type of thing?  As far as what we would recommend?


OK... yes it was me asking details about his release.

Please update me.

He was put into jail because?   What was the charge?

He went to trial and was (convicted, held over, some kind of deal)? 

He was released from jail because he (had fine paid, served his time, good behavior?)

Just trying to get technicalities straight in my head.

   

I know this is a lot to think about... .what can you do to be extra kind to yourself today?

FF

This is very good. Calm beget's calm.

You also expressed your concern. He heard it. It may honestly not have computed at the time when emotions were high, but he will have time to reconsider it in his own time.

I would encourage you to contact the vehicle seller and execute a lost title sale.  That process is like stop payment on a check. It avoids any more dealing on the matter.

As for DV resources... .they are notoriously short of money and personnel and it might help to try a different organization or town near you.

He acted responsibly today, I would validate that.

Going back to the paranoia - has it been ongoing or just below the surface, or does it only happen in times of stress?

Redeemed,
It speaks volumes about your strength and coping skills that you managed to stay calm and centered during that experience. 

And today, you are likely downloading a variety of cumulative emotions from many years that you will be processing for some time.   

You are focused on you and your son's safety and wellbeing and that is what matters.

Skip has given you an excellent solution to the title issue. Though it may involve some paperwork hassle, certainly it avoids more emotional hassle.

We are all rooting for you, Redeemed.      

Cat

Yes... rooting for you and very proud of your part in de-escalating.  Solid work!

FF

FF,

Going forward, he will absolutely, positively ,without a doubt one hundred percent in no way shape or form gain any access from me to ANYTHING important such as a vehicle, etc. I can see that I can not trust him to not insert himself in the situation and try to control it. I only wanted him to look at the vehicle and tell me if it was mechanically sound, and to see if it really needed a thermostat because the guy who posted the ad said it did. He has never been wrong about a mechanical issue. I did not orchestrate the exchange of the title with the seller very well. I should have made it clear that we were separated and I did not want h to have access to the title. I have a bit of social anxiety in situations with people that I don't know, and I don't always think clearly because I am working to manage the anxiety. I am working on this in therapy.

Backstory on why uBPDh was in jail:

He has a history of drug use. We actually met at a 12 step meeting. Last fall, he relapsed and began using meth which turned out to be laced with mdma. This is not the first time he has done this. Meth and hallucinogenics together are not good for anyone, but with someone who has had psychosis, delusions, and paranoia that lasted for over a year after the last period of severe substance abuse, this combo was the worst possible thing for him. As predicted, he started believing demons were talking to him, thought I was trying to poison him, thought he was being crippled and dying from some illness... .he has been physically abusive to me both on and off drugs, but drugs always increase the mood swings and hostility. He assaulted me several times in Oct and Nov, even drugging me by putting meth in my drink. I was trying to form a plan to leave, but I was so worn out I didn't know what to do, and my experience with the shelters in our area left me with not many options. Eventually I called the police in desperation over the last assault, and I ended up moving in with a co-worker. UBPDh was sentenced to 11/29 and served 8 months. He finished his time, no probation. I tried to get court-ordered mental health treatment but he was sober enough to manipulate the psych eval.

I could probably find several people willing to go with me to pick up the title. He is less likely to intimidate me in someone else's company. I am trying to keep things light and avoid deep subjects in conversation. I am also limiting conversation. Just this morning I have received a half dozen texts and as many phone calls.

Skip, the delusions and paranoia were intense and constant after he went on a four month binge on meth over five years ago. The intensity of that wore off about a year later, and has decreased since then. He still believes people are conspiring against him, we are part of a fed investigation, etc. but those things mostly come out during times of high emotion (i.e., anger) or stress. The thing is, there is pretty much constant stres in h's life, and mine. Losing custody of your kids and not being able to get it back is very stressful on a day to day basis, plus his gambling causes financial stress.

Thanks everyone for your support, more later, got to get s2 ready to go.

redeemed

I Am Redeemed

I'm conflicted about the advice I gave you to attempt to get the title from him.

The safest bet is to do the lost title thing, yet that has several more moving parts to the plan and would likely take more time.  But you are safe doing that... .

If you attempt to go pick it up... .it needs to be a nonchalant thing.  Hey... out running errands will be close by... need to go by DMV and finish up title... .I'll swing by your work and get it.

If that works... .great.

If he "forgot" it at home, then perhaps he brings it the next day... but perhaps he starts using it to "toy with you again."  Toy with you is another way to say DRAMA.

Skip showed you a pathway to avoid the drama all together.

You'll have to play this by ear.

FF

OK... so he served his time and was released because his sentence was finished.

How was he released from jail?  Did you pick him up?

FF

FF,
I am not sure about the lost title route. The man who sold me the van is in the middle of moving several states away, which is why he is renting out his house.

H did admit that it was wrong of him to keep the title and that he knows I need it to get the tags. And he doesn't have the money to get them himself. Currently he is back to a more or less normal baseline. That of course could change. I believe even if I went to pick it up from him at work by myself that it would be safe. He controls himself very well at work, he tries to give everyone the impression that we are on good terms. They know he was in jail, and they know why, but they gave him another chance at employment.

I did not pick him up from jail. He was upset about it, but I was not sure then if contact was allowed with s2. I had to babysit my co-workers kids, and then go to work myself, and I did not change those responsibilities for him. After he served his time in the first county on the dv charge, they transferred him to this county and helf him for child support accumulated while he was in jail. I paid the purge so he could get out and find a job and start paying the child support, which would have accumulated even more while he sat in jail awaiting a court date. I thought that was well over what would be a reasonable amount of help, and I left it up to him to make plans for himself upon release.

Redeemed

Redeemed,
You've gone out of your way to be supportive and kind to him after he was incarcerated for abusing you. You certainly have been helpful and considerate to him.

Now is his chance to return the favor, chance being the operative word.

Certainly it's less likely that he would dysregulate while at work, but is there someone who could drive you there, so you'd have an added sense of security?

Cat

I could probably find someone to take me, but also he works at a tire shop and I could stay in the front store area where the boss and other salesmen are. I only feel threatened when alone with him because that's how he operates.

He proposed that I go by his motel room before I go to work today and ask the front desk to let me in. He says they will do the. He will be at work until later, much later. Not sure if I trust that or not, but I didn't tell him what time I work so he won't know when I will be there.

He has been amicable today. I think the rapid switch from intimidating behavior to amicable and seemingly reasonable is even more disturbing to me. If he was always a threat, or consistently in a negative mindset and attitude, at least that would make more sense than the Jekyll and Hyde stuff.

I have done more than I think most people would in my situation. Yes, it is up to him to decide whether or not to treat me respectfully or disrespectfully. But I am going to take extra caution to not give him the chance to harm me. I think that would be the most loving thing I could do, given the knowledge I have of his behavior. Allowing an abuser to have the opportunity to offend again is not loving. Now, if he were to seek out an opportunity that I didn't give him, that is out of my control. But I can control whether or not I agree to situations where he may have the opportunity to harm me.

That situation the other night immediately placed me back to the times of abuse I experienced, trapped in the house and unable to leave, because to make a break for it would possibly mean further harm if I couldn't get out. And how do you up and run when you have a two year old? And when he blocks the exits. And you have nowhere to go and no way to get there? Lots of emotions still running their course. Been easily distracted. Accidentally locked myself out of my online class review materials and had to email my instructor.

And I am currently taking care of four kids, under three years old, plus two dogs and a cat that's somewhere around here. Then work tonight.

I am so glad I found this community. Didn't have this kind of support before and felt really isolated. Depression was bad. You guys are helping me stay calm and sane.

Thank you.

Redeemed

WW,

Sorry I just saw your question about the contact with s2. Cps closed the case without any restrictions, according to their file. The worker who did our paperwork was in training and she was the one who was adamant about me not allowing contact until a drug screen was passed. The family court attorney told me that at this point I have physical custody of s2 and visitation is at my sole discretion. There is no order, but I wish there was so I would have something to fall back on as a guideline because now he asks me to let him see s2 every free chance I get, which isn't much. I have little time when I am not working or watching my co-workers kids and I don't want to spend it at his hotel room for visiting purposes. I wish we had something else worked out where I did not have to be in that position, because I am subjected to his emotionally manipulating tactics for reconciliation and he always tries to initiate physical affection that makes me uncomfortable. He wants me to hold hands, kiss him, hug him, sit next to him and he tries to tell me that s2 wants us together and that s2 needs to see us being affectionate. It doesn't matter to him if that makes me uncomfortable. He thinks that I should do it because it's a sign to him that I love him and he has always needed constant reassurance of that. Though it was never enough, not anything I ever did.

He simply wants the reconciliation and forgiveness and is upset because I have not returned, nor given him a list of things to do that he can check off so he can come back.

Thanks again for your support,

Redeemed

It's unnerving how he can switch from menacing to friendly and you're uncomfortable and cautious about being around him alone. It's too reminiscent of what you experienced in the past, when you were physically trapped in the same house with him.

He's suggested that you go by his motel room while he's at work--would that be to pick up the title to your van? Presumably he won't be there since he works late today, but you're not sure if you trust that he's telling you the truth.

Though there is apparently no legal restriction keeping him away from your s2, you would prefer otherwise, since he's so needy about wanting you to spend all your time visiting with him at his hotel room. This is becoming increasingly awkward as he's trying to manipulate you to reconcile and he is giving you unwanted affection.

Knowing that these requests will continue, what are you planning on doing so that you needn't be alone with your son with him?

Keep focusing on getting back to "center"... caring for the kids.  You can figure out what YOU want to do about visitation in a few days.  Take things a day at the time.

You are thinking through the title... .keep it up. 

FF

Cat, yes that would be to pick up the title to the van.

Example of things that confuse and unnerve me:
Phone conversation today about the title, I was not sure if I would have time to get it from the hotel room (also iffy about it) and he said he could have someone drive him by my work and put it in the van for me. I told him I wasn't going to ask that due to the protection order, I know he's not allowed at my work. He said if he wanted to he would go right into my work and hand me the title, because there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing except he's prohibited by a court order from coming there. Nothing definite was settled.

At work, he texted and said he came by but didn't see the van. Said don't ask him to do something if I'm not going to be there, he doesn't have a car.

Now, I never asked him to do that, in fact I said exactly the opposite.

Now he sent text that says he didn't see the van so it must not be in my usual spot.

How would he know that I didn't park in my usual spot.

Said he talked to his mother and he sure would like to go see her and his baby great nephew that she has.

I am sure that was a hint. I have not responded.

I don't know what to do about the pressures he is putting on me. I need a plan because the more I back away, I believe the more aggressive and vindictive he will get. I've seen it before.

Suggestions? I have got to set some pretty big boundaries here.

Redeemed

I guess the first thing to do is to get clear with exactly what you want, and what you don't want. Maybe you could write a list here and we can help you work on boundaries.

Redeemed, as I read your latest updates and deeply frustrated I can't offer any help besides words.

Seconding Cat that if there was a second chance on the table, he has given it up. It does not sound as though you can safely engage with him. 

I strongly suggest you rally everyone you can to your side, friends, family, counselors, employers, church members. Notify them of the situation and your fears about possible violence ahead of time.

Praying for you and please keep us as up to date on developments as you can.

~Roland

Redeemed, am I understanding correctly that when he visits with S2 you are there, and it's just the three of you, and in his motel room?  I was getting the feeling from your description that the situation places an unreasonable amount of pressure on you.  Facing that pressure on a regular basis is not sustainable.  Is there some other trusted person who can help with visitation?

RC

Thank you ROE, good to hear from you! Your support means so much. I have told certain people about what happened the other night. However, few people knew that I was even having contact with him in person, because lots of people (my family in particular) do not understand why I even speak to him at all after the things he has done.

WW, yes, that is the visitation situation. I haven't come up with an alternative other than s2 visiting alone. I have been bringing my laptop and doing homework while they visit. But you're right, I am under pressure every time I go over there to resume the relationship as if nothing had happened. He tries every time to get me to engage in physical affection. Sometimes he will just sit directly in front of me on the bed and stare at me in a longing way. Then he says he misses me. This is extremely uncomfortable. I know he misses me. There's nothing I can do about his feelings. But he thinks there is. He wants me to stop his emotional pain.

This is part of what makes setting boundaries so hard. Without an alternative for visitation, I am facing the choice of continuing to be in an uncomfortable and potentially unsafe situation, or leaving s2 with him alone, or telling him that we can only meet at a public place which would be a restaurant probably. That's how I have to visit my kids, and I have never liked that because I don't get to play with them or really talk to them. If I proposed this visitation scenario to him he will most likely dysregulate and accuse me of being like my sister. He has done that before, and has assaulted me several times when making that accusation against me.

This is tough. Back to walking on eggshells and trying to determine what will set him off. That's not where I want my focus. How do I get back to focusing on what is best for s2 and me and staying safe. I keep thinking about how to keep him pacified while maintaining distance, and then I get angry because I don't have to pacify him. I want to break these thought patterns that keep me feeling defeated and stuck.

Redeemed

Redeemed,
 I echo Roland of Ed: I wish I had something more to offer than my words. I read your post and am terrified for you.
 I also echo those who have advised finding a DV shelter--not even that you'd have to stay at the shelter but that there are frequently volunteers who can help develop strategies to keep you and your son safe.
 Where I live there is an excellent shelter. One of the volunteers offered to go with me if I needed to meet up with my STBX for anything.
  I am really relieved you continue to post because then I know you're safe. Again I wish I had something more concrete to offer, like come stay with me. We'll be safe together.
  Know that I'm thinking of you, praying for you.
 
TMD

What about meeting in a public park, a library--certainly there must be a public place in your area that could be suitable for a visit? After what has happened, it seems like you'd be exposing yourself to a high level of risk should you go to his motel room again.

*mod*

This thread has been locked as it has reached the post limit.  Please see PART 2 here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329199.0