BPDFamily.com

Hi,
First time on here and am looking to explore this forum extensively. I believe my wife has BPD and possibly some NPD mixed in. We have been married 5 years but known each other much longer and have dated several times during high school and in the years after. We have been together consistently for a total of 8 yrs currently, but have a 15 yr dating history.  She is a charming, beautiful, electric, and captivating woman. She can also be as fiercely independent and defiant as a wild stallion while at other times she can be so hurt and upset that she is sobbing hysterically and looks as though her soul has been crushed- all in the same day.  As a brief backstory, my wife had a rather defiant and behaviorally errratic adolescence, while always projecting a very positive and well balanced public image. Behind the scenes she was a wrecking ball at times, and other times a very emotionally upset, distraught and dependent girl. She was diagnosed with ADHD and Intermittent explosive disorder at a young age. She always had a difficult relationship with her mom and went through therapy/counseling with her later in her adolescence. Her relationship with me at a young age was very rocky. At the time I attributed our instability to being emotional teenagers, but now that we're married the behavior pattern is still the same with her.  Getting more backstory from her perspective on our younger years has cued me into her frame of mind both from years past and currently.
Due to our current and escalating marital issues, we have sought counseling on a weekly or biweekly basis for almost a year. During the course of counseling we have worked on both our individual issues as well as how to improve our communication and "love languages". My wife has ADHD and had not been medicated for the first 7 years of our adult relationship. A lot of her behaviors, reactions, lack of follow up or lack of completion of tasks etc was blamed on her ADHD. We were referred to a doctor who briefly evaluated her and  told us he believed she had Bipolar Disorder and the ADHD meds would only make her outbursts and behaviors worse. This diagnosis caught us both off guard and I had a high degree of suspicion that her behaviors were not due to Bipolar. After seeking a second doctor, the ADHD diagnosis was confirmed and her previous medication was resumed. I had high hopes we had finally tackled a primary beast in our relationship and we would both be on the road to an improved relationship. I was only partially right. The ADHD meds helped with her executive function and she improved her organization, motivation, task completion etc. but the outbursts and rages continued. The counseling was of limited help at this point and we decided to find another counselor.
After concluding our counseling with the first therapist for lack of progress between us (if not a worsening of our relationship), I sought a second more qualified/trained therapist. After several sessions with this counselor he recommended to read the Walking on Eggshells book. Holy cow! It was like reading a story of my life. After further investigation of BPD and reading a second book by the same author as well as a multitude of websites about BPD I am fairly certain this is what we are facing. Luckily, she appears to be on the "higher functioning/invisible" end of the spectrum.  So I have tried to incorporate some techniques of the book to try and improve our relationship (with minimal success). We have continued counseling which is much more helpful with this second therapist. I am trying to figure out how to present this BPD awareness to my wife (if at all) and trying to figure out how to possibly get her to seek counseling on an individual basis for the issues that have arisen with her personally during  our counseling sessions. All this said, I am hoping to explore and receive helpful information. Our marriage isn't over and I'm looking to the next phase of improvement.

Glad you found the site 

What were some of the skills you tried with your wife, and what happened when you applied them?

It sounds like your instincts say don't tell her about the suspected BPD. What's your best guess for how she might respond?